u/The_Batcap_72

I was trying to explain to some friends that, yes, during Pennie's sickness there were times that I would think about what it could possibly be like if she died but the truth of the matter is that it is infinitely worse than anything I could have possibly imagined. The loss, pain and loneliness is so much worse than I could imagine. It is always with you, there is no respite from her not being here anymore. Every second of the day her memory hangs over me. The hopelessness is almost to much to bear, her birthday just passed, our two son's birthdays, 21 & 25, were this week and our daughter started 7th grade today and before you know it Halloween, Thanksgiving & Christmas are just around the corner and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through all of this. Today I start my therapy for the trauma that her CPR left and everyone is so proud of me for asking for help but it still brings no relief and very little hope. She is gone. My heart is broken. I feel like a ghost walking through my day to day. The one thing that I have come to realize is that there are times I have said I wish it had been me that died instead of Pennie but I don't feel that way anymore, I wouldn't want her to have to feel what I'm feeling and going through right now. I'm glad that I'm the one that is suffering through this, there is no way that I would want Pennie to have to feel this pain, loss and loneliness. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to the simple fact that this whole situation is beyond imagination and so much worse, thank you all for always being here and listening.

It has been 57 days since I told the doctors that it was ok to stop CPR and to let you go. I had to tell the kids that I decided to let you go, they understood and agreed with the decision, they are such a credit to the woman you were. They boys' birthdays are this week, 21 & 25, can you believe it? Our daughter is getting ready to start 7th grade next week and I was able to get all her paperwork done correctly and on time, she was proud of dad. Our niece's wedding is in October and she called me in tears asking if it was ok to write both our names on the invitation because she couldn't bear to not put your name on it. She also wanted to know if it was ok to have an empty seat with cherry blossoms to honor you at the ceremony. So many miss you.

57 days and my life is a walking nightmare. Everyone around me pats me on the back and tells me how much they admire me and how proud they are of me and how strong I am and that they couldn't ever imagine handling the situation as well as I have. I have so much support surrounding me and so many that want to be there for me but the truth is they are all fooled. I am not strong, I am not resilient, I am not handling the situation well, I am a shell of the person I was 57 days ago. That person died with my wife, I don't think he will ever return. I'm haunted by the visions of her tiny size 5 feet jiggling back and forth as they performed CPR and hear the doctors saying EPI in every night when I go to bed, the therapist says that it's definitely trauma, no duh.

57 days and I want one thing more than anything, I want to hold your hand again. I long for it. I drive around and there is nobody there to hold my hand anymore. My hand is empty, my heart is empty. Thank God for my daughter otherwise I'm not sure I could come up with a reason to keep going on, it would be completely wrong for me to abandon her and I go through the motions of life for her benefit. My wife is going to miss her graduation, her prom, her sweet 16 this isn't fair to either of them and I know that life isn't fair, her death has proven that to no end.

57 days and I can't even fathom it getting better, each day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed, life just seems like a dark abyss of nothingness. Sorry for howling at the moon, but you all are really the only ones who have any understanding at all what the pain we share, thank you for listening.

It's only been 48 days since she passed and I can't even begin to imagine that this is going to be my life. I'm 53 and she was 51 when she died and we had been together since we were 16 and knew each other since childhood, I have never not had her in my life and now she is gone. Last night I swear I felt the bed shift like it did when she climbed into bed, could have done without that considering what happened the day before at the hospital (Those of you who read my previous post). Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am that I have such wonderful children, and yes they are wonderful and I love them so much but they are in no way a substitute for what I had with my wife and I don't think that they are supposed to be either. They are all so cute taking turns babysitting dad, but they can't go on like this forever and neither can I. I have turned this into the summer of yes for our daughter and allowed her and encouraged her to do so many things that she didn't get to do because of her mom being sick, that's the only thing right now that is bringing me any kind of joy but it sure is fleeting. The nightly flashbacks and visions of them doing CPR on her haunt me every night so sleep is rare so I met with a therapist yesterday, I'm proud of myself for taking the first step and he said that we are definitely suffering from some post trauma that is going to need to be addressed and I'm open to it for my daughter's sake. Is living for my daughter's happiness going to be enough? Will she get older and resent me for making the decision to stop the resuscitation and let her go? Am I going to crack up and mentally crash? There is just so much up in the air but at the same time there is so much that is certain it's all so confusing I just feel like I'm adrift. I try explaining to people that I feel like I'm walking in a dream, I know I'm awake, I know this is real but it FEELS like I'm in a dream and going to wake up but deep down I know it's not. Sorry, just needed to howl at the moon a little, you are all so supportive and I appreciate you all!

So Saturday my 12 year old daughter came to me to let me know that she had a boil on her rear end that was bothering her, my heart sank, that was the first sign of the lymphoma that took my wife just last month, I didn't tell her that but yeah, didn't need that one but the hits were just starting. So we went to Urgent Care and they said it looked like an infected ingrown hair, no biggie but they wanted to drain it and would rather her get some topical anesthetic which they don't have at Urgent Care so they sent us to the Emergency Room to get it taken care of. That was the first time I had been in the ER since I had to rush my wife in a week before her passing, oh, it get better, after an hour of torturous waiting in the waiting room we finally got a room and guess what..., Yup the same room that my wife was in before her passing. God seriously must be really pissed off at me for some reason. So my daughter is looking at me as she patiently waits, are you OK Dad? What am I supposed to say? I'm fine sweetheart I'm just frustrated that you have to wait was the best excuse I could come up with. So another hour of waiting in the room where my wife was surrounded by all the lovely sounds of the ER, if I wasn't traumatized before, I sure as hell am now! As if all of this isn't horrible enough yesterday just took the cake, it was like being continuously kicked in the groin for two and half hours, this isn't going to get any better is it?

Every night I close my eyes and I see her lifeless feet giggling back and forth as they do cpr on her and I hear EPI in, every night when I close my eyes. I know it’s only been a month but we spent 28 years married, 10 years before that and knew each other since childhood. Why that moment to relive over and over? Why can’t it be the first time she took off her top or something like that? I’m seriously going crazy, will it ever end? I’m dreading going to bed at night. Sorry rant over!

I lost my wife of 28 years last month, we had known each other since we were 8 years old. I'm completely lost. 5:00 is the worst time of day, that was when I had dinner ready and she was getting home from work and we all had dinner, now all I can do is have a smoke and talk to her at 5:00. I feel horrible because I have not been able to set foot in the kitchen. My daughter has been asking when I'm going to start making dinner again. This week I had everything set up to start dinner, looked at it all on the counter and said, yeah fuck this we're eating out. That's happened the last 3 times I've tried to cook dinner. I can't even bring myself to do the dishes and have had my daughter doing them. This wasn't on my bingo card of mourning. I feel like I'm letting the kids down by not cooking and I've told them that I'm sorry but I'm struggling with being in the kitchen, they are great and say they understand but I just feel like such a loser because being in the kitchen is debilitating. I've been able to do so much else, I've packed and donated her clothes, packed away some of our things that are painful to look at and set up a nice remembrance space for her instead of having stuff all over the place, but I just can't cook, WTF is even that? I've never drank in my life but have started to, not a lot but Friday nights were our movie/show night and now I'm all alone on Friday night so now I have a drink while I watch whatever was still on our list. The kids are doing their best to babysit dad, they are such rock stars but the loneliness is crippling. We would sit on the couch and I would rub her feet every night while we watched the Dodger game, now I'm watching the game by myself. I know it's only been a month but how can the rest of my life be like this? I have many friends and family that are there and doing their very best to be there but it's a bitter substitute and there really is nothing they can do, I know they are trying and I'm letting them help but it's more for them then me, it really isn't doing much for me but I know it makes them feel better so I find a little solace in that. She suffered so much at the end and she is no longer in pain and I don't regret making the call to let her go when the time came but there really is nothing left, I love my kids so much and have a 12 year old daughter to take care of but I feel so much like she's the one that's taking care of me. I just can't see it getting any better and everything I do and say to everyone is performative, is that what life is going to be like? Acting like everything is OK so that I don't alarm those around me? Am I slowly going to sink into alcoholism? I just don't know, I feel so lost, I feel so lonely and I feel like the best part of me is gone. The pain is unbearable, sorry that this is long and rambling but I'm sure out of everyone you all problable understand more than most.