I didnt listen to my best friend when he came to me, he then took his own life
I didnt listen to my best friend, later that night he killed himself
This is going to be a hard one to get through for me, and hard to read for a lot of people.
When I was in High School, now 24 going on 25 I had a friend who I called my best, for this thread will call him Chaz but that isnt ofc his real name. As the title suggests, one day during study hall he came up to me seeking advice and help because he was down in the dumps. He said im going to kill myself and asked for advice about his i believe relationship at the time, (the details of that talk i honestly cant remember) however this was during the time that every kid was saying they were also going to kill themselves, i had no reason to believe that he would end going thru with it.
I have for a very long time felt this guilt that I could've helped and saved him, and I honestly still feel that way, I should've done something to help him. But I didnt take his words seriously.
I remember the next day at school when we all got told the news together, we got called to home room for a last minute meeting, the topic... Chaz. The words my teacher then said have been at the surface of my mind for years, no matter how much I try not to think about it, its still there.
Chaz was the most talented person I know/knew, he could pick up any instrument and play it with the eloquence of a master musician. He was in a few bands, made music, super into gaming, which is how we first got to be friends, our mutual love over Zelda! Thats how we connected, I love the arts, partly because of him but my interests were there prior to meeting him, only refined afterwards.
Chaz isnt the only person Ive lost, just like many people im not special in my trauma or anything; but that same year I almost lost my mother due to a botched hysterectomy. She bled out a lot of blood after being discharged from the hospital (side note I hear thats common? But like wtf, im not an expert on female anatomy surgery so you tell me), later that month or sometime after my grand father who i hadn't seen in over 7 years at that point had gotten bone cancer. Quickly after getting diagnosed he passed, we live half the country away in the PNW and couldn't get a plane ride sooner, he ended up dying as we were flying out there and we didnt know until we landed. Later that summer, my and chaz's friend (lets call him Ben) Ben took his own life, he struggled with bad schizophrenia which is said to be rare in teens, but hes in a better place, not to be tormented. (Last one I promise, for now) a week after the news about Ben gets out, underelated, my friend Alex dies in her bathtub after having a seizure...
I dont mean to come off as just trauma dumpy, but again, all this happened with in the same year... my late freshman/early sophomore years. After these events, I shut down. Didn't give a damn about anything, my parents didnt care nor really did anything to check how I was doing, they're in their own world, my dad especially didnt have any sympathy for those who took their own life, which I understand his viewpoint. I think the last thing someone grieving someone who committed suicide would be to belittle them and call them weak.
All this happened in 2017. Later in high school I would over come and be a better person than I was before his passing, i was ready to graduate and go off to college and pursue my dreams of being a teacher and studying in the arts alongside, as a way to keep in touch with Chaz... the world ig had different plans and when I was about to graduate... a little thing called COVID-19 hit... I didnt get a graduation. No ceremony in memorial for the students who passed, no nothing. With the world being shut down, what was I to do? My plan for college seemingly got thrown out the window as I cannot and will not do online school, I need that physical environment to really learn anything.
I dont mean to give my life story here, this is something that ive been struggling for YEARS and only recently am getting into a better mental state. Therapy and meds are helping a lot tho rly I am just now starting them so we will see how it goes.
Should I feel the guilt I have? How do I actually move on from this? While I may have come to some terms its not something I can simply just get over, everyone I tell this story to tells me to grow up, but idk. As to what I expect from this post, just keep it cool. I wanted to put this out there so if you have someone who comes to you, fucking listen to them and hear them out. You may just save their life.