The Affects Of Losing An Adult Child
More than five years have passed since we lost our 23yr old daughter. It was sudden. It is hard to articulate just how difficult our lives have been since we lost her. Everything and everyone left in our household of three is different, and everything has changed. Losing her was traumatic and we could never have imagined how difficult it would be to continue in a world without her. As I stated, everything is different now. Our world view is different, our family ties and friends are almost non-existent. She died in December 2020 when the Covid Pandemic was in full swing. To make matters worse, she died from complications due to Covid-19, suddenly without any warning. People were social distancing and isolated, which made it more difficult to get the type of support we needed from those whom we needed it from most. We also had to wait 8 months to be able to pay tribute and honor her openly, ceremonially. My daughter had a large list of friends, more than 100 people whom I had to call to give the horrible news of her death. I was unaware that a human heart could endure such intense heartbreak, over and over again until I wondered if I would survive. The hardest person I had to break the news to was her younger sister.
We didn’t get to say goodbye. It was sudden. By the time we reached the hospital, she was gone. Enough said about that part of it.
It felt so odd and surreal, we were in shock and disbelief, and then it was time to leave the hospital without our precious girl.
I cried an ocean of tears during those first few months, with an intense tightness in my chest. After seven months, one of my heart bypass grafts failed and was torn. I was lucky to survive.
Over time, friends and family connections unraveled. This is not uncommon. Nobody is to blame, it is just the unintended consequence of child loss. This meant learning to deal with more loss. It has been a very sad, lonely time for us. We struggle to find purpose and meaning. I was very angry for a long period of time, and very disappointed with family and friends who I had hoped would be more supportive. How could anyone have really known how much we were struggling or what we needed?
The way she died, the pandemic, the political turmoil created by the current regime made things even more difficult. I became more resolute where I stood politically and morally. The experience of intense grief brought about more clarity. I had to rethink my life from the ground up. I retired the following year, which added to the feeling of isolation and loneliness, but I made peace with it. Nowadays, I prefer to spend my time alone, partly because I feel so incredibly broken, and I don’t socialize very well any more. Suffices to say, it is better this way, trust me!
My wife and I grieve together and support each other. It is no wonder why many marriages do not survive this type of loss. At least we have each other: I can’t imagine surviving this alone. I have gotten closer to my other daughter, and I treasure the time we have together.
After more than five years, things are a little less difficult. We are more resilient in some ways, more hardened in other ways. We don’t do well when even little things don’t work out, which is a type of PTSD. Like I tell people now, we are not the same any more. We have a dead daughter, and we are always sad under the surface of whatever facade the rest of the world sees.
My grief is a testament to the love I have for my daughter. I honor her in ways only I am aware, whether through my actions, through pain, or even through whatever joy I may find in life. Yes, I can still experience some joy and happiness. She would want this.
Grief over the loss of an adult child is what I call forever grief. I have experienced other losses of loved ones, and I can only speak from personal experience. These past five years plus some have been pure hell! But I am still here, trying my best to keep living, trying to be the best person I can be. It is a struggle to overcome this feeling of pointlessness. I am struggling to find meaning to all this. I miss her sooooooo much!