Meal Deals of the Stars: Harry Kane
Good Lord it's the UK skipper himself Harold Kane!
As with most footballers, Harry has a deep, dark secret - that he never actually wanted to be a footballer! Instead, the striker ba-yearns for the life of a 1970s light entertainer!
As soon as England duties are done, Hazpops hops aboard the PJ to tour the Piers of Northwest England, telling cheekily off-colour jokes about the Irish whilst wearing a frilly polyester shirt and sweating profusely. Unfortunately, the summer world cup this year has meant his planned residency on Blackpool's North Pier has been curtailed and seized ruthlessly by Joe Pascquale and whichever Grumbleweeds still draw breath, leaving him only a tiny hour-long slot to spout tired bollocks about Mothers-in-Law.
Harry doesn't fret about this and whilst the sparse crowd is expertly warmed up by the superstar tag team of Tommy Cannon and Phil Cool, he pops to the nice new Sainsbury's by Blackpool North to pick up his meal deal.
The 70's light entertainer's diet rivals those of long distance runners in terms of calories, and Kane must choose his options carefully to maintain both tit girth and likelihood of cardiac arrest. The miniature-faced goal machine chooses a Beef and Horseradish sandwich for his main, careful to pick out and lob the distressingly modern Rocket garnish into the road. For his snack, he breezes past the more continental options of olives and fruit and greedily gets his mitts on the giant Jammy Dodger. For his drink it has to be the classic 500ml of full fat Irn-Bru, recommended to him as a soothing tonic after a particularly wild night with the Krankies.
This concoction ensures that when back at his boarding house on Central Drive later that night, he will block the hatchet-faced proprietor's bog with the densest leavings yet recorded by science.