r/FearfulAvoidants

I originally made this as a comment to a post here, but realized it might be useful for the wider audience.

How was it back then? When I was still FA I’d just sit out deactivations. And subconsciously expect and hope my partner would come and we make amends (even if it’s me who did the damage). It works for small conflicts, but not for the break ups. The break up “sit it out” was just soooo long, that by the time I am okay and can look at things with clarity, life moved on. It was just odd to reach out someone who is 6 month ago used to be your partner. And in the mind there was a finality of the relationship at a time (longing was there, but I assumed chapter is closed).

The relationships were a territory of instability. I’d have a positive outlook going in, but eventually grudge and conflicts would pile up, and I’d assume “ok, we are not meant for together”, natural lifecycle of the relationship I guess. There was no self awareness that a lot of the situations could have been solved, that I may be upfront about needs and boundaries and not simply expect a match. And most importantly, I wasn’t even aware what is it that I need. Throughout the relationships I’d eventually ruminate a lot, think we’re moving too fast, would play out different ifs and assume partner expectations from me. Like “they’d want this and that from me”. Oftentimes, when I later brought it up, the partner would say “lol, no, eventually maybe, but nobody is dragging you into it”. I would still distrust these words.

I did two rounds of therapy to connect with the body and to unavoid. The first one was purely about noticing. When conflict happened what emotions do I have? How do I register them in the body. You may laugh, but I had no such skill. It a sharp escalation, uncontrollable, but I couldn’t name anything — whether I feel anger, fear, panic, hurt, or any more delicate emotions. Either “I feel bad” or “I feel numb”, that’s it. It also was a state where I’d hyperfocus on myself. I couldn’t communicate efficiently with a partner, it just pumps me up even stronger. Couldn’t process their words either. They made no sense even on the rational level. When I’d come back and reread the conversation later, it would oftentimes shift my perspective.

Noticing the body made the situation more controllable and gave me ability to speak about things. And even communicating the feelings to the partner. “Hey, when this happened, I felt this, can we talk about it?”. And with the good partner I had at a time, I’ve seen that when this shift in communication happened, we repaired situation. Suddenly I didn’t need to run away to calm down, I could discuss what happened, and experience of repetitive repair teached me I can “cope” through the partner. Not solo on my own. Conflict => I feel bad => we can address my feelings => I feel good. It was a positive cycle.

I was still reactionary though. Meaning often times I’d still deregulate and enter this space of conflict. That made me go deeper. Ok, so -why- do I feel the feelings. I get it it’s a fear, but what made me fear? What my defenses react to? And thus further helped to incorporate repair, because we could address the root causes of the problem. I’d propose something that really keeps me safe and calm, not just surface level things. It also made me shift to a heather boundaries, instead of externalizing expectations silently. Not “I don’t want you to flirt with another people”, but “in the relationship I choose I need to feel exclusivity and commitment, here is a markers how I feel it, here is the danger zones, does the other person mean it? If they don’t, how can I see their perspective” etc

Over time it helped to build a much much healthier relationships. It also helped to repair quicker, stronger, and avoid triggering situations and remove a lot of triggers, to be explicit about what is it that I need, not just expect we click in, somehow magically.

It took me:
- one terrible break up, where I was a major component
- 4 years of therapy in two rounds with space in between
- a very loving and understanding partner; they were not “safe” in a classical meaning of secure attachment, they were anxious, but were able to vocalise their struggle too, so we both moved through the process on both sides

Okay so I recently reconnected with someone I hurt a few months ago after completely shutting down emotionally and avoiding everything. At the time I genuinely convinced myself I didn’t even have feelings for her anymore, but after a lot of reflection (and therapy), I realized the feelings never actually disappeared. I just deactivated HARD once things started feeling emotionally real and vulnerable.

Now we’re talking again and honestly I want her so bad bro like I want closeness with her, I want affection, I want domesticity, I want all of it. And she knows how I feel too. We’ve had very honest conversations about it and she’s basically said she wants to take things slowly, find a nice path forward, and give me space/time to show consistency instead of rushing anything.

The issue is my nervous system reacts to closeness like it’s a life threatening event even though emotionally it’s what I want most. I’ll spend all day thinking about her, wanting to talk to her, wanting to see her, but then I’ll suddenly get overwhelmed and anxious and start overanalyzing everything. I wake up anxious sometimes, I get nauseous, I lose my appetite, and when I get REALLY overwhelmed I emotionally detach for a bit and my brain starts going “run” even though that’s not actually what I want.

And the confusing part is that the second I calm down or think about actually seeing her in person, hugging her, hearing her voice, etc., the feelings are immediately there again very strongly. Like immediate butterflies. So it’s not that I don’t care. If anything I care too much and my brain freaks out because of how vulnerable it makes me feel.

I’m in therapy now and actively trying not to repeat old patterns. I’m communicating instead of disappearing, trying not to react impulsively when anxious, and being honest that I need things to move slowly because I don’t trust myself to jump into something intense right away without getting overwhelmed again.

I guess I’m asking if anyone else with fearful avoidant tendencies has experienced this weird disconnect where emotionally you want closeness so badly but your nervous system keeps interpreting it as danger? And how do you actually regulate yourself enough to stay present instead of wanting to run the second things feel real?

My apparent fearful avoidant ex fiancée moved out and broke up with me over the phone while I was on a trip with my mom and blocked me on everything stopped sharing location and told me he needs space… no real reason just said that and left after being so perfect for so long. My therapist told me and the FA shit but I was left in our home alone with zero explanation and a long time ago after a situationship w him he ghosted me then too for over 6 months but this time we lived together and got engaged. Not sure what it’s about or if he’ll be back or u block me. Anyone else ? 😅

Hello I am currently going through what I feel is a FA breakup. I do have screenshots of the conversation. I feel blindsided by the situation as they work out of town and got called out while I was at work. They broke up via text. I did respond but I feel I was careful with my words. And I know each relationship is different and what not. We have/ were together for over 2 years and living together for 1. And yes we had discussions of marriage and growing old together. Up until 2 days ago. Then last night happened. I can send you the screenshots via DM for context. I will not post it publicly out of respect.

Smoke and mirrors

The games I wouldpn't play

Manipulation i saw through

The excuses

The "no-show"

The. delays

The ghosting

The breadcrumbs

The eyes always watching , everything i say, where I go, who I interact with, and see on screenall

The one's chosen over me

The push and pull

The magyk thrown my way

The nasty words spoken behind my back

The anger at me with no cause

This is a manual that I received a long time ago go. It describes "the mask" you wear, the one you've chosen to stay in, the one that keeps you stuck on repeat. You wonder why your numb, bored, youve built walls so high thinking its protection. Its not, its keeping you in this tiny world where you are no longer at the helm. Lack of new experiences, new people only hinders new thoughts, new ideas and creativity! Instead you have been slowly succumbing to a world of fear. It grows like a cancer in your brain and keeps into your body.

I've been fortunate to see you without the mask. The first time I saw a great king, a leader, a man with great integrity and stood solid in his authentic self. A man with great passion and stood on solid ground on his core beliefs. Being you, just you is the most beautiful thing i've ever known. Your mask is your ego and it has caused you more pain, struggle and that constant yearning for satisfaction. That's what drives your impulsive behavior, the urge to feel satisfied, which never happens. Numb! That's what you get, more and more numb. It makes me sad to see the man I love hold onto a mask so tightly, when he should be holding me.

I don't like you in this moment, you weren't being nice. However, I am on solid ground with my love, and I've not once wavered on how I feel. Take it as u wish, do with it as you want. However, look deep and choose the path that suites you. I'll not stand in your way, look closely i am not the enemy. Just because I choose me and no longer allow others in my energy that treat me poorly. I have been patient, translucent, vulnerable, kind and l will always love you. However, i draw the line has been drawn. It's your choice as to how we proceed (u always want to control the outcome and share your version with your fans, so now they can see clearly that there aren'tany victims here, just choices)

My ex (18F) and I (18M) dated for 3 months but had been close for 7, said I love you 6 months in. She has diagnosed anxiety since childhood, a difficult relationship with her father, and a past experience of someone using her vulnerability against her. She identified as FA after I pointed it out and she did her own research and confirmed it.
The relationship was consistently warm and loving until near the end when I started sensing her pulling away and began asking if she still loved me, which I think triggered her avoidance. She broke up with me saying she needed to work on herself. The breakup night was the most vulnerable we’d ever been, we finally opened up about our family issues which were strikingly similar. She told me I was the first person she ever said I love you to.
Before me she had a pattern of 3 to 4 month talking stages that never converted into relationships plus one toxic relationship.
After the breakup I begged for 3 days. I made presentations and speeches trying to convince her but nothing worked. She told me she had come to this decision months ago. We eventually went no contact.
Since then there’s been a month of mixed signals. She met me after I left a rose and we spent 3 hours together that felt like we’d never broken up. She was liking my reposts and stories and rewatching them. After some time had passed she also unsent a “hey how are you” message to me.
I then decided to wish her 7 months from the day we started talking, something we did every month. This led to us talking dryly again and me asking if she would have said it if I hadn’t. She admitted she thought about it but didn’t think she should since I hadn’t replied to her previously. When I suggested meeting she said ending it was hard enough as it is. Instead of replying I just waited, and she ended up sending me a genuine heartfelt 5 paragraph birthday message. However she unsent it before I had a chance to reply, so I essentially responded to an unsent message. She had sent it while she could see I was reposting other stories and not replying to her, and unsent it when I still didn’t reply.
Two days later I wished her a safe flight and we started talking again dryly with a lot of ghosting back and forth. During this period I posted a targeted story for her and she replied to it but then unsent her reply too. I sent a small heartfelt paragraph on what would’ve been our 4 month anniversary and she responded with what felt like a goodbye, saying I was an amazing guy who deserved the best. She then left me on seen yesterday. Today she responded saying she doesn’t think it’s best for us to talk, that it’s not easy, and that it only makes it harder. Around the same time I found out she removed me from her private Instagram and added a new guy. What makes this harder is that she was probably already talking to him during the period we were dryly texting each other, which hurts deeply.
She had told me at the breakup that she wouldn’t jump into another talking stage because she never gives herself enough time to heal between people. I’m not angry, I’m just trying to understand her and what she’s going through. Is this classic FA avoidance using someone new as a distraction from real feelings? Or is she genuinely moving on? And if there’s any realistic chance, how do I actually get her back? I’m not ready to give up on this.

I don’t know if this is relevant to FA’s or not - by ex is fearful avoidant and it’s like she’s had a personality swap. We broke up a month ago and the way she texts me is like talking to a brick wall, plus she takes hours to respond which she never did before.

Is this still deactivation? Or should I just let go

Hi, I am FA, female, an adult, learning psychology, and most importantly, an empath (I used to be an empath w/o boundaries, and it consumed me). If anyone is looking for answers to their queries regarding this topic, seek them in the comments below. Would like to talk and help.

Love

Why is it always the other person's responsibility to become secure and never the avoidant's responsibility to meet the other person half way in all these youtube and tiktok videos? Why is everyone else expected to 'baby' and cater to or accommodate the avoidant? And if others don't accommodate the avoidant, avoidant people or other people say 'just don't get involved with them then'. "A truly secure person wouldn't even get involved with an avoidant"...as if being secure makes someone immune to want connection with an avoidant. I'm really tired of avoidants being catered to and every else is expected to either self-monitor endlessly, don't get involved at all, or get painted as 'too much' while the avoidant gets painted as the 'true victim' who gets away with everything and who everyone should either swallow their tongue or bend over backwards for or walk away from. Just seems like there's no middle ground.

Hello !

In attachment theory, is it possible for a fearful-avoidant person to be in a deactivated state while still genuinely thinking and saying that someone is extraordinary, “the best person they’ve ever met,” or that the relationship felt like an obvious connection?

And is it possible for them to sincerely feel guilty about the pain caused by their distancing/withdrawal, even while continuing to pull away?

Discard after nearly a dozen years of us. Worse activation I've witnessed of him, so much so to the extent I recognized that the way he was was indicative of a problem as he was so far from himself that I couldn't just categorize it as upset or frustration or anything lesser than an actual issue. This is the beginning of the eighth week since discard which has included the greatest most intimate closeness I have felt with him for a very long time as well as a three hour conversation at his place that was the worst three hours of my life, simply trying to understand why it is and what it is and how it is that he would choose to separate us now. Then we were getting closer and he began to soften and open up and then a couple things transpired and now we've been no contact for around a week and a half. I'm dying simply just wanting to know what's going on in his mind. I mean this came out of nowhere and it has been 11 years almost 12...I can compose conjecture 101 different ways to explain and understand why he would be choosing to avoid me, but on the other hand, I'm just shocked and astonished that he has no curiosity.

I nearly want to suggest a texting dynamic that I could be a response board that swears will not erupt or press too heavily of emotional response.., like basically ask him if he'd be interested if I were essentially an AI of myself. He could explore and pick my brain without the fear of being attacked or otherwise...

The pain of being completely shut out from the man I love who proposed just a year ago is unbearable. I'm very worried about him. I feel as though he needs me. And the more I understand about this the more I can see how when I express the fullness of my heart and pain and confusion, it regresses him and I would be OK to reel that back to support him and to at least be able to talk and figure things out and be clearer for the both of us.

Can anyone offer suggestions of if it would even be OK to reach out and offers something and if so, what that could be and/or function as?

Thank you in advance,
C

Seriously this is just a place for people to dogpile on FAs because their ex dumped them. Sometimes I wonder if the people here have any self awareness.

31M (Secure?Anxious?) 29F(FA)

About 2 weeks ago i was discarded by my gf who I believe is an FA as she fits all the textbook attributes. However she is unaware.

This is a LDR and it started off very passionate and beautiful.
I never had a relationship with a FA, I didnt know the signs.

I guess the first flag was when i asked her what a strong relationship would look like. I said open communication, conflict resolution, while for her idea of a perfect relationship is no fighting at all. I couldn't comprehend that but I made nothing of it.

In the beginning there were signs of hot and cold, love and anxiety. She told me many times how much she loved feeling like she was able to truly and freely express herself. For the first time she felt a very genuine and deep connection like no other. She told me I showed her something she never knew she wanted, the depth of our emotional intimacy and emotional security. She has dated many people but doesnt sleep around. She has always told me all her relationships are less than 1 year, and the longest being 2 years. She claimed that no relationship has ever felt so special.

After 1 month of talking we were already talking about marriage, moving in together and starting a family. We became official shortly after that, and started planning when we would meet. I wanted to originally take things slow, but she wanted to come as soon as she could, the next day even. We finally met after 3 months of talking (1 month officially together) and spent a week together at my place. It felt perfect, it felt more than perfect. We melted into each other and surpassed all expectations. We were so in love. We tried have a child from our meetup. 2 weeks later, she ended up with miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) and it completely devastated her. It was her first pregnancy and its something she wanted more than anything (shes never consented to children before).

I was on vacation when this happened (she knew this before meeting me) and I was unable to go see her (she also didnt want me to after I had offered to leave my vacation to go be with her).

After this miscarriage she changed entirely. She was no longer sure about our relationship, a switch flipped. The previous version of her was still there, but there was what felt like another version of her constantly trying to pull away. I tried everything I could to compromise, to be patient, supportive and loving throughout this experience knowing that she is going through something traumatic, and is very hormonal.

I shouldered the grief, I turned my cheek when it came to my needs needing to be met. 4 months of this becoming a much more push-pull dynamic. Constant reassurance and intimacy lead to constant pulling away and avoidance. We were still romanticizing about trying for kids, she told me she didnt want to give up and that she still believes in us. But she kept cancelling trips to visit each other.

She has now discarded me as of 2 weeks ago. Which is messing with my mental, because a week before that, we were intimate. We were still saying I love yous, we were still sleeping on call at night. She was sharing songs about how she felt about our relationship.

When she ended things I asked her if there was anything I had done, if I was a bad partner etc, but she had no answer. There was nothing she could say to make me seem like a bad person or mistreating her.

She also left me with a sweet message telling me how she wanted to name our baby my middle name if she didnt miscarry. She told me she wanted this baby to be just like me, because of my values, my morals, and my 'tender heart'. Telling me that if more men like me existed it would make her feel more comfort in the world. When i would ask why we cant keep trying, she would simply just say 'Im tired'.

She drunk texted me 2 days after the break up to see if I was doing ok. I told her I was even though I wasnt., and then she called me 2 days after that 'to hear my voice one last time'.

After that last call she rebounded IMMEDIATELY. Like the NEXT DAY. She started flaunting and parading this new partnership (i dont believe its romantic yet) since then.

I confronted her about how it looks like to me (1 day after), that it looked like a rebound, and how it made me feel when I see it. You would think if she cared how I would feel she would atleast tone it down? No, it became even more obnoxious.

I began NC after i confronted her about the rebound. But she is continuing to obnoxiously show her new partnership.

I feel like she is trying to make me jealous to break NC. I want her back, I miss her. I view her as someone who is incapable of processing things securely or regularly. My anxiety is now gone through the roof as I am trying to heal and process the grief of the baby, our future family, our dream, and even my identity.

Not only is she flaunting her relationship visibly online, she also post screenshot of chats with her new partner in a discord server where this new person isnt even in, but I am.

Like why?

Is she trying to get a rise out of me? Or is it really just to soothe her pain of guilt for ending things?

Her reason as to why she had to end things is because she cannot overcome the hurt that is associated in our relationship.

I feel like she walked away from our family and our dream, that we've been romanticizing since the beginning, and continued to after the miscarriage. But now she says 'she doesnt want to try anymore'. I cant wrap my head around how everything went from being so perfect, to chaos and distance so quick. She told me she normally could do clean breaks so easily, but in our last calls she told me this time shes having so much trouble to do so.

It has now been 1 week of NC and I continue to see her parading around. It feels like such bullshit, everything shes said ,. She told me she never wanted to lose me and yet she was the one to walk away.

I dont believe she wants another LDR (with this new partner), she didnt want one to begin with (she hates LDR), but I was the exception. I am constantly wondering how easy it is to replace me, if its already started to become romantic to numb the feeling of leaving me.

Im seeking therapy this week, as I have been disassociating a lot when I work, when I play sports. I have not been well. I want to let go, but its so difficult to accept. However the resentment building with the jealousy is definitely helping.

I want to break NC just to give her a piece of my mind as I feel so powerless, helpless, hopeless and confused. But maybe burning the bridge and outing her with her new partner being present, would at least give me some peace that I was able to leave with a little bit of what I was able to control, being the justice in my feelings and possibly burning their relationship too. I know thats petty, but this has become very toxic., and I have almost no patience left.

Hey everyone,

I am currently on Day 10 of strict No Contact and need some outside perspective on a sudden, completely illogical breakup.

The Context:
I (M, 30) met her (F, 33) on Tinder 1.5 months ago. She is separated from a 7-year marriage (for about 6 months) and moved to a new city. The chemistry was instant; we kissed after just an hour on our first date because the vibe was so deep and familiar.

For 1.5 months, everything was completely harmonious. She showed real investment: she let me sleep in her bed even though I snore loudly (she moved to the couch so I could rest), she wanted to share traditional Colombian food with me for my birthday, and after just a few times together, she consented to completely stopping protection (no condoms) at my request. She also mentioned that during her period cycle, she becomes hyper-emotional and deeply craves physical closeness.

The Trigger:
1 day before the deactivation, we had a beautiful phone call. We talked about a trial day I had at a new job, and I opened up, telling her how nervous I had been on our first date but how comfortable I got after our first kiss. She felt a strong connection and said, "It's crazy how similar we are." We agreed I would come over to her place the next day (Wednesday).

Later that evening, she texted asking if I wanted to go to a specific Latino club with her on the weekend. The club is in a notorious, sketchy area near a main train station. The next morning, I texted her back, apologized for the late reply, and gently told her that clubs aren't really my world, asking if we could do something else instead.

She completely ignored my message for almost 24 hours. Since she ghosted me, I didn't drive to her place that night. Then she suddenly sent a text on the next day cutting everything off, claiming I was "rejecting her culture" and "disrespecting where she came from."

The Fallout:
I texted her back trying to clarify the misunderstanding. We spoke on the phone a day later (because she called me) She completely shifted the goalposts, claiming the breakup wasn't about the club, but because I didn't show up on Wednesday and she "had to throw away all the food she cooked." But she had ignored my texts all day!

During the call, I lost my frame due to the shock. I was trembling and screaming, and when she kept pushing unfair blame, I got angry and said, "Can I even look into your fucking head?" She got extremely loud and defensive, before she snapped, "Think whatever you want, this is too stupid, I'm hanging up," and slammed the phone down.

Where we are now (Day 10 of NC):
Absolute radio silence since. However, immediately after the cut, she went back on Tinder (using her old anonymous profile with a fake name/no clear face pics, the same we met on). She just mutually followed a new local guy on Instagram who is immediately liking all her photos, and she has been aggressively posting IG stories for 3 days straight (very untypical for her). Her period is also exactly due this week.

Did she just use the club/Wednesday argument as a cheap, rationalized excuse to discard me because she suddenly lost attraction? Or is this a classic Fearful Avoidant deactivation triggered by the increasing intimacy? Will an FA ever reflect on their unfair behavior once the emotional dust settles?

Thank you for your thoughts.

My ex partner is FA and aware but I don’t think he is working on it. After a sudden break up, I reached out to him 5 weeks later to see if he was ok. None of it made sense. I wondered if he wanted to discuss what was going on for him at the time because I didn’t actually get any details regarding why things ended apart from he was exhausted and had wanted to make it work but realised that he couldn’t. His response to my outreach -

Hey! That’s a nice message. Poor whale. Not sure I can or would be able to articulate clearly. Given time I could try. Thank you for the open door.

Does your attachment style also show up when spending time with your kids? Or would it be the bonding that you can actually feel safe with?

I (21M) was in a 5-month relationship with a (20F) Fearful-Avoidant leaning anxious. The relationship was very deep she was extremely attached, vulnerable, and often told me she had never opened up to anyone like she did with me. She even said she believed God brought us together. We had a lot of plans together.
About 7 weeks ago, she broke an agreement we had by getting blackout drunk with friends, we spoke about it and she didn’t argue at all, she admitted that she’s wrong and said that she disappointed me and herself then we had like 2 hours speaking about everything. The next day, she initiated the conversation and she had a business meeting after that a dinner with her co workers, she kept me updated about everything (( that what she usually do )) and everything was going a bit normal, then she asked me that if she can go with the same group she was with the day before to a hot tub and i didn’t reject it. That night, after 2 hours she came back from hanging out and left me a message that she’s back home then went offline (( which is extremely odd cuz she always call me when she’s back )) she completely shut down, The next day she told me please not to text or call her and that she’s overwhelmed and need some time with herself and to think about things. Since then, she has been in strong avoidance.
She recently deactivated her Instagram few days ago, has been very quiet, and recently started hanging out again with the same friends she was with during the night that triggered her. She still has me on Facebook, WhatsApp, Telegram, Discord, Xbox, and still have my number and never removed our relationship status. She hasn’t blocked or removed me anywhere. However, she only seen my first message as I sent her one after 11 days of NC then another one after a week she hasn’t opened my second message and hasn’t reached out at all.
I’ve stayed in no contact and haven’t chased her.

I’m trying to understand if this is just typical Fearful-Avoidant deactivation due to guilt and shame, or if she’s slowly detaching. I also don’t know if I should keep waiting or start emotionally detaching at this point.
Has anyone experienced something similar with a Fearful-Avoidant ex? How long did the avoidance last, and did they eventually reach out? Any advice on whether I should keep waiting or start moving on?

Writing this as a sort of “AITA” because please tell me if I am out of line with how I am feeling.

AITA for canceling a weekend with my long-term partner after years of feeling emotionally neglected, and now feeling devastated that he seems to have withdrawn?

I (42F) have been in a long-term non-monogamous relationship with a man (43M) for about 3.5 years. We both have other partners/anchors. We are part of the same niche creative/performance community and our relationship started there. We have a deep emotional and physical connection, but our communication styles and emotional needs have always been very different.

To be fair to him: he is not a cruel person. He is reliable in many practical ways, kind in day-to-day interactions, intelligent, generous with hobbies/interests, and emotionally steady compared to me. He also has a tendency to avoid or shut down around difficult emotional conversations, especially if he feels criticized or overwhelmed.

I am much more emotionally expressive and attachment-oriented. I need reassurance, emotional closeness, collaborative repair after conflict, affection, and proactive communication. Over the years, I increasingly started feeling like I had to minimize my needs in order to preserve the relationship and avoid “heavy conversations.”

This has become especially painful because our relationship used to have a lot more physical and emotional intimacy and ritual around it. For almost three years, twice a month, every time he drove into the city to visit me, he would call me during the drive because he was lonely and wanted company. The car ride talks were one of the most consistent ones we maintained throughout. We would spend entire evenings together at community events cuddling, talking, reconnecting, then go on to have a nice weekend together, and feeling like a unit. We have spoken pretty much every day since we met except for a few short instances of “needing space,” which were always communicated ahead of time.

Over time those rituals and that emotional and physical closeness slowly started disappearing.

At the same time, he continued building connections with newer women in the community. I agreed to non-monogamy and never expected exclusivity, but I started feeling increasingly emotionally and physically abandoned while watching him offer excitement, attention, flirtation, and intimacy to newer connections that I no longer felt from him consistently myself.

I can also admit that over time I became reactive to witnessing him being so attentive to other partners even if the connection was tenuous or platonic, that I did have emotional reactions (crying, sulking, stress response), and I understand that over time that had led him to feel stressed about sharing the space - but all the rituals I asked him to help us both were rejected as controlling for example: routine check ins, boomerangs, verbal reassurance. It was all kind of framed as me being controlling of him because he was “spending the weekend with me anyway” so why was I upset that he was attentive to someone else for a few hours?”

He didn’t seem to understand that it hurt to see him holding hands with someone and cuddling when that’s not something he would offer me in the same space.

I offered to step away from the community space so he could pursue connections without the “pressure” of worrying if I’ll get upset with him for it. I realize this is me grossly over-functioning in the relationship.

Outside the shared space I also many times tried to address the lose of closeness and intimacy and was rebuffed often - eventually yes I did get pushy and emotional about it and he admitted it made him not want to be intimate or close to feel like he was “on trial” and overwhelmed. To be clear I do “angry cry” a lot but I do not believe my harsh hurt words fell into the abusive or toxic sphere - the worst I’ve called him is “kind of a jerk,” and “selfish”. He also rarely admitted that he was the one to withdraw intimacy without real cause or explanation in the first place - eventually he would admit to me he had mental health struggles or family stress at home, but a lot of the time his behaviour simply went unexplained - guys he stopped saying my name for like six months at one point. I have just felt so alone and like the only one that cared to acknowledge the changes and growing distance between us.

One recent example: we had talked multiple times over the years about someday taking a trip together related to our shared interests. We last spoke about a shared trip two weeks ago! Just this week he told me he booked that exact kind of trip solo and later told me he was nervous because it would be his first time traveling alone in almost 20 years. It was almost as if he was underscoring going by himself… when I had offered to travel with him many times in the past - something he seemed to want as well in the past, but not this time. So, that absolutely crushed me because it felt like I had been erased from a shared dream we had actively discussed together.

A month ago, he made plans to come into the city Friday night to spend time with a newer connection at our shared community space and then stay at my apartment afterward for the rest of the weekend. I tried to talk to him about it two weeks ago because I was already feeling anxious and emotionally unsafe about the setup. The conversation didn’t really go anywhere because he said he wanted a lighter conversation at the time and later admitted difficult conversations can take away his excitement about seeing me.

He never offered me a time or solution for how to have “heavy” conversations.

That comment really broke something in me emotionally because I realized I had spent a long time trying to phrase things “correctly” and suppress difficult feelings so I wouldn’t ruin closeness or create tension. But eventually things would still bubble over because the underlying issues were never actually resolved. At the end of the day it didn’t matter if I brought things up and asked for reassurance or repair or if I tried to stay positive, the relationship closeness continued to decline with only the most minimal improvements - to give you an example he stopped kissing me consistently maybe 2 years ago. So we went down to like one kiss a month unless I initiated it, but the last time we hung out he kissed me like four or five times.

So maybe it’s “emotional girl math” but a few kisses while so lovely and so welcome don’t exactly erase months of neglect. In the moment I was happy it happened and told him so but in the big picture I was still feeling like that was such a tiny step up a steep steep hill.

But he would see my complaint about “not enough kissing” and say he just kissed me last time he was here so why am I still complaining?

That’s what I have to deal with balancing - showing appreciation for the small steps and the effort he DOES show me while not erasing the larger picture of long term decline and neglect. The deficit of kisses can’t be erased by one nice weekend of kisses. Right?

So here we are!

Yesterday (Thursday morning) I realized I could not emotionally handle the weekend as planned and canceled.

I felt in my heart that I would be waiting all of Friday night for him to come home - he never volunteered what his plans were and what time he might be back, so feeling anxious and rejected about the recent trip and with no recourse for reassurance or support from him after he told me heavy conversations were a turn-off, I kind of became scared of getting upset, crying and “ruining the weekend,” when he eventually came home.

Folks, I was spiralling because after so many years of being told I am controlling and manipulative when I wanted clarity and clear plans and expectations when sharing time and space with other partners, that I felt genuinely afraid to even ask him “what time are you coming home on Friday after your meet up with [new partner]?”

I didn’t admit that to him.

Instead, I told him I felt overwhelmed, afraid to have needs, and exhausted from trying to stay positive all the time. He engaged in the conversation somewhat and asked a few clarifying questions, but after that… almost nothing.

No goodnight. No good morning. No “I’m processing.” No reassurance. No discussion about what the weekend plan now even is.

Meanwhile he still appears to have gone ahead with his plans to meet the other woman tonight. Omitting our usual long drive call, giving me just nothing at all.

I feel devastated because I have never canceled a weekend before in three years. He has canceled on me before because of relationship tension or emotional issues and I never froze him out afterward. But now that I finally hit my own breaking point, I feel completely alone.

Part of me is furious and wants to burn the entire relationship down publicly because I feel like I have spent years overfunctioning emotionally for someone who fundamentally cannot tolerate reasonable relational discomfort long enough to actually repair anything. Another part of me still desperately wants him to call me, hug me, tell me he loves me, and come home tonight.

I honestly don’t know anymore whether I’m dealing with an emotionally avoidant but caring person who is overwhelmed, or someone who has been slowly emotionally abandoning me for years while I kept trying harder and harder to save the relationship - and failing obviously many times.

AITA for feeling super hurt by this silence after canceling the weekend and feeling like this relationship has become emotionally unsustainable for me?

You've left a long trail of hurt, pain, and blame. You never experienced real love, just dopamine. When things got real, got scary, you ran. You abandoned. You used people for sex to feel better about yourself. You used people for dopamine because it was easy.

You think you know what love is but you don't, you've spent a lifetime on the outside looking in. It's not your fault because you always blamed the other person, because it was how you coped.

You can't accept you were your own worst enemy because admitting that means you have to acknowledge it was you who ruined your life and it's your fault you devastated everyone in your path. So what's left? You do as you always did. You lie to yourself and then you die alone. Even if you managed to hang on to someone you couldn't drive away, you still die alone.