He broke up, I accepted and moved on. Had been in no contact for a couple of months when he sent a breadcrumb which I declined (I won't go much into detail for privacy reasons). What does usually come after that doesn't work for them? Any experiences?
For context, I believe he was a fearful avoidant.
I’ve noticed a lot of mixed opinions on their behavior and actions. So here’s everything you need to know about them:
Avoidants aren’t bad, cruel, mean or nasty people. This is not an avoidant trait because this is not an attachment style trait. Secure or anxious people could be mean or cruel too.
Their longing for intimacy, romance and building a loving relationship fires up simultaneously with their fear of being engulfed and losing independence resulting in the deactivation behavior. This is why a lot of you experience the push-pull dynamic loop. One follows the other.
It’s like how your nervous system learned to stay away from a hot vessel and only attend it when it is at a safe temperature. Their nervous system learned this exact thing just in terms of intimacy and attachment.
So they pull away when the fear of attending a hot vessel rises and come back when it’s safe for them. Of course, this is not a healthy thing to do and not justified for their partners but they don’t know how to deal with it.
Not all of them come back though. The ones with a high degree of avoidance and least self-awareness don’t always come back. But when the avoidants come back, it means they think they can fix it this time until they repeat their deactivation cycle.
It’s not that they don’t love you. They’ve got hearts too. So when they try to stick with you even after all your venting or mean comments or remarks, they did love you as it takes a gulp of self-esteem to return to you even after all that.
Chasing, calling them out on how they treated you, everything wrong they did to you or texting them multiple times won’t make them come to you. But giving them ample space, being highly patient and being okay with them working on their own terms won’t fix your relationship either.
It’s not about your space, your patience, or your boundaries. When they’re faced with a situation to show up, be accountable and be responsible adults, your relationship will suffer.
So don’t listen to avoidants who say that a secure partner heals them or claiming that they heal within the relationship itself. That’s not true rather that’s a way to avoid working on themselves and putting in the effort and accountability stuff. They’re unhealed avoidants because guess who is to be blamed if even that relationship doesn’t work out?
Rare relationships where people have claimed to have a loving and lasting relationship with avoidants… well, their avoidants were deeply self-aware and it took a lot of mental strength and work to make the relationship successful. Not everyone will be doing it.
Not all the avoidants cheat and not all avoidants need new partners or have backups every now and then. Again, this is not a trait of attachment style. You surely must have come across people who cheat on their partners just because they can. It tells about their mindset and the environment they grew up in.
Avoidants could be deeply loyal too and I think most of them out there are.
Bottomline line is, none of what I said above excuses their behavior but it doesn’t label them as unlovable, undeserving of love too. They’re humans with a mostly disturbed and difficult childhood where they learned to handle their emotions and needs themselves when it wasn’t supposed to be so.
In most cases, you’ll find that they have at least one emotionally unavailable parent.
They’re more willing to spend time with friends and family because the bond with friends doesn’t need to make them accountable of anything. Mostly, it’s just surface level. Have them share an apartment with their friends and they’ll see a lot of stuff too.
With parents, a lot of them have had to parent their parents and of course they love their parents but they have deactivation phases with them too. And one of them is almost emotionally unavailable mostly, so not a lot of pressure.
Dynamics are mostly mechanical in friendships and with parents. That’s why you’ll see most of the avoidants won’t have photos with their friends and family. And most of their photos are resting bitch face lol though they do share some laughs with them.
And yeah, most of them will also have a resting bitch face with you. Though they could be smiling among your friends and family members with you.
Avoidants do know exactly what they’re doing. They know every bit of it but they can’t help it. And in the process, they fail to be accountable, responsible and repair the wounds of the relationship.
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Understand that if your relationship doesn’t give you mental peace, happiness and the willingness to choose the same person every day, it’s not the relationship that’ll last long or be a happy one for the longest time.
Next Time you find yourself with any partner be it avoidant, anxious, secure or anyone… evaluate your relationship based on these factors below, and you’ll know if it’s worth it in the long run. This works even when any person returns after a break, breakup or any of that shit:
1. Emotional Safety: Feeling secure enough to be vulnerable, honest, and yourself without fear of rejection or abandonment.
2. Reliability & Consistency: Knowing you can count on each other and that words are generally followed by actions.
3. Repair After Conflict: Returning to difficult conversations, taking responsibility, and making meaningful behavioral changes.
4. Reciprocity: Both partners consistently contribute love, effort, attention, and initiative.
5. Shared Reality & Integration: Gradually building a life together that includes friends, family, routines, experiences, and future plans.
6. Emotional Responsiveness: Being genuinely present and supportive when your partner is struggling, celebrating, or needing connection.
7. Respect: Honoring each other’s boundaries, dignity, autonomy, values, and legitimate needs even during disagreements.
8. Growth Mindset: Being willing to reflect, learn, adapt, and work on yourself and the relationship over time.
In most cases, the score would be low, lesser than four, and that’s your sign to leave because if you don’t, you’ll be sabotaging yourself and change into a person who you weren’t when you met your avoidant.
Don’t lose yourself for a person. Know when to leave, easier said than done, but the long term rewards are multifold.
If your avoidant doesn’t put in the work and keeps you hanging for long because of the push-pull cycle, ask yourself if you’d want to have kids and build a family with them. Ask what will the bond look like between you and your parents, her parents, her etc. include all the combinations and you’ll have your answer.
The purpose of this post was to understand a bit about them at once and not demonize them based on behaviors you assume are avoindant-traits.
I was with this guy for 6 months. Everything was going really well, we got along perfectly, and he treated me really well.
The only thing that bothered me was that he never wanted to go out with me. He didn’t want to see me very often—we would see each other once every 2–3 weeks. The thing is, we lived in the same area and could easily have seen each other either at school or around town. Whenever I tried to talk to him about it, he just wouldn’t communicate. He would say he simply didn’t feel like going out and that he wanted to sleep.
The last time we argued, I told him again that it hurt me that he never wanted to go out with me and that I wanted us to spend more time together. He ignored me, made some excuse about needing to get a haircut and go to sleep, and that was it. After that, he stopped replying to me.
The next day, I went to his classroom and he treated me with complete indifference. I left angry and kept texting him from Thursday until Sunday. Eventually, I realized that he genuinely wasn’t going to respond anymore. He basically broke up with me without ever actually saying it.
It’s been a few months, and I’m still struggling to get over it. I find it hard to believe that sex was all he wanted from me (I was 19 and he was 18), but I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like shit. I can’t understand how someone can pretend to care so well for so long, only to eventually show you who they really are.
The whole experience has been horrible, and now I’m scared to try again with someone else. I keep feeling like everyone is the same and that I can’t trust anyone anymore.
My avoidant ex recently broke up with me for a second time , he’s an avoidant of some kind . He said :
“Im sorry but I dont think this is going to work out, I am not at the right point in life to enter a long term relationship. Everything's been going downhill and it doesn't look like it's getting any better. And I dont want to be close to anyone right now. I guess im just scared of commitment or proximity or something, but I really need to be alone. Im sorry that im weak enough to run away like this, but I really can't stick to anything or anyone right now. New shit is coming up and everything just seems like it's gonna end soon. I dont want you to have to deal with that, so I'll talk to you later I suppose. Or whenever we meet again. But im gonna try and distance myself from the people around me and see if I can get some control again of my downward spiral. Im sorry”.
Afterwards I didn’t chase or beg this time I simply said ok and if he ever did wanna fix things , or talk whether thats in a couple months or weeks , I respected his decision and held no grudge and cared for him.
Normally he blocks me or unadde me in the past or flatly says me and him will never talk again , but this time he still kept me added . Does this seem like he plans on coming back or contacting me at some point ?
My girlfriend of three years transitioned from an anxious pursuer to completely distant after being placed on a permanent 12-hour night shift as a nurse. In person, she was still affectionate, loving, and attentive, but over text, she pulled away completely. When I pressed for clarity, she broke down, saying she loved me but "didn't know" what she was feeling. After weeks of hot-and-cold reunions, I sent a long ultimatum text. She ultimately told me "not to wait." Is this a classic Fearful Avoidant deactivation due to extreme burnout, or did my own anxiety push her over the edge? For three years, our relationship was exceptionally happy, affectionate, and stable.
Historically, she exhibited an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style—frequently seeking reassurance, saying "I love you," and valuing constant communication—while I leaned secure. Everything began to shift three months ago when she graduated nursing school and was assigned to a permanent 7 PM to 7 AM night shift. The transition shattered her routine; she stopped going to the gym, isolated herself from family, and suffered severe physical exhaustion. While our time together in person remained warm and affectionate, her communication over text deteriorated. I felt increasingly lonely, triggering my own anxious tendencies and leading to a repetitive cycle: I would bring up the distance, she would cry, apologize, and promise she was trying, things would briefly improve, and then her exhaustion would reset the pattern.
The final strain began in mid-July when a patient died on her shift, coinciding with a message I sent explaining my hurt over the distance. Two days later, we talked in my car. She sobbed, told me she loved me, and insisted she didn't want to break up, but repeatedly admitted, "I don't know what I'm feeling." Unable to say the words "we're broken up," she hesitated for several minutes before stepping out of the car, only to text me 26 hours later calling me the best thing that ever happened to her. Over the next two weeks, we cycled between silence and emotional dates where she held my hand, kissed me, and talked about future plans like going to the county fair. Yet, the moment I asked where we stood, she froze and said she needed time. After a great date watching Spider-Man, I asked for a one-month trial to rebuild. She agreed and cried, but when her distance returned over text the next day, panic took over. I sent a massive, emotional text asserting my worth, declaring strict silence, and warning her that she was letting go of someone who loved her deeply.
After twelve days of agonizing silence, my anxiety got the better of me, and I reached out asking if she wanted me to wait. She replied stating that I didn't have to wait, adding that I deserved someone who chose me without hesitation, which she couldn't offer while figuring out what she wanted for herself. I replied respectfully to accept her closure and leave things on a peaceful note, and her aunt later reached out to reassure me that she would contact me when she was ready. I am left struggling to understand if this complete shutdown represents a Fearful Avoidant deactivation triggered by night-shift burnout and the death of her patient, or if my own anxious protest behavior and ultimatums pushed her into a discard by overwhelming her with guilt and shame. I would really appreciate insight on whether her "I don't know" stance is a true avoidant shutdown, and how I should navigate strict No Contact moving forward.
We were together for 11 months — incredibly close, daily routines, shared future plans, both families got on perfectly, and a level of safety and trust neither of us had ever known. She has a history of severe childhood neglect, trauma, and fearful-avoidant attachment. This exact same thing happened before in December: she was hiding things, I found out, she pulled away, ran to her toxic ex… and then came back on her own. This time it happened exactly the same way: July 3rd, I found her hiding stuff again — just like last time — and she immediately called us toxic, said we needed to move on, and then suddenly brought up a serious, never-before-mentioned allegation that she’d never once spoken about during our entire relationship. She used that as the final reason to end things, went straight back to her toxic ex, blocked me on most platforms but left Snapchat unblocked so the door wasn’t fully shut, and still has my things visible in her videos. The ex is already treating her poorly — ignoring her, being hot and cold, making her feel confused and unvalued — exactly the same pattern she always ran from before. She told me for months I was the best thing that ever happened to her, spoke of marriage and a future together, and said she never felt truly safe with anyone but me. This is the almost identical cycle from December — same trigger, same reaction, same ex. Last time she came back. Given the timeline, the attachment style, and everything that’s happened — does this pattern mean she’ll eventually come back again, or is this time different?
This time it seems far more real, like for one it’s lasted a month and half, for 2 the allegation, for 3 she acts like she hates me online, for 4 she’s blocked me on basically everything.
Now last time only lasted 4 days, she still messaged me and still sort of had a foot in the door and came back out of regret.
Now I’ve asked this before but do avoidants come back with big barriers?
We knew each other’s deepest hurts and quietest dreams, and we felt safer, more seen, and more at home with each other than anywhere else in the whole world.
Yet she broke up with me, went in a complete cold/distant phase and seemed to be living a life of distractions. A week after the break up, seen as I didn’t chase, for some reason she drops this nuclear accusation on me, then proceeds to make out online like she hates me.
I’m not gonna go into detail, but all I’ll say is me and her were universally close with memories like no other, she seems so have gone back to her toxic ex and for some reason prefers him. I gave her my full heart without second thought because I truly love her.
I’m blocked off everything and in no contact but deep down I just want her to reach out. Last time we spoke was the 18th of last month and have been separated for a month and 14 days.
Will she come back, I’ve already decided I will take her back after distancing from the situation and having a good hard look at it. And I’ve decided all the good she brought, all the memories, all the times together were we’d laugh and love each other, the routines, the family all of it out weighs how much she hurt me.
So will she come back do you think?
My FA presents himself as an ethical and spiritual person. He constantly talks about compassion, non-harm, mindfulness, etc. But, he will not take responsibility for the hurt he caused. Did I fall for a hypocrite or, worse, a liar?
He claims he wants to be friends. I’ve stated my condition — friendship is possible only if he reflects and repairs. Does he want to remain friends to protect his self-image?
This is my first encounter with an FA. I am here to understand and heal. Thanks.
I’m trying to understand a breakup with someone I suspect may have fearful-avoidant tendencies. I’m not trying to diagnose her, just wondering whether the pattern sounds familiar to people here.
A few months ago she was saying some incredibly deep things to me. She told me I showed her a different kind of love, that I made her feel safe, and that I showed her more “true love” than anyone had before. She also thanked me on Father’s Day for how much I showed up for her kids even though they weren’t mine.
Then not long afterward she started pulling away. She said she was overwhelmed, didn’t have enough time for herself or her kids, and needed space/a break.
The confusing part is that the connection never really stopped. During the break she still called me, asked for help, relied on me emotionally and practically, accepted help with her car and transportation, and we still had some physical affection. So it didn’t feel like a clean breakup.
Then an ex who had hurt her badly in the past started messaging her again. She told me she “legit just started to feel this way” and that feelings for him were resurfacing. This is someone she had previously stopped talking to because of me, and someone she had told me she was still healing from in the past.
When I found out, I basically snapped and ended everything. I felt betrayed because I thought I was supporting someone who needed space because she was overwhelmed, not someone who was also exploring feelings for an ex. I said some harsh things that I’m not proud of and completely withdrew.
What I’m trying to understand is:
Does the pattern of **deep closeness → feeling safe → suddenly overwhelmed → pulling away → getting emotionally activated by an old unresolved ex** sound like fearful-avoidant behavior?
Can someone genuinely love a safe partner and still get pulled toward an ex who represents unfinished emotional business?
Do fearful-avoidant people sometimes feel the loss more strongly only after the other person fully stops pursuing and gives real distance?
And if a relationship ends this abruptly while feelings were still strong, is it common for the avoidant person to later regret the way they handled it or reach back out?
I’m not looking for “she’ll definitely come back.” I’m mostly trying to understand whether this pattern makes psychological sense.
i broke up with him about 3 weeks ago. i just couldn’t handle the stonewalling the silence. Me over explaining how i need bare minimum like communication updates consistent contact. I thought he understood because he always apologized. there were red flags like when we were dating and he was not replying for a day, then telling me he needed space from screens. or when we had agreed on time but not on place for a date and he didn’t ask, when i reached out he told me something like he just assumed i was busy with friend. he assumed a lot. me traveling so i would not want to hear from him. or when i invited him to my friends birthday party and he told me he will come. told me he will try to be there at 6 and apparently he decided i dont need him there bc i am with friend do when i reached out he didnt consider it important that i know… i fucking hate him. i needed to get out. he was also struggling with nicotine addiction and needed to quit bc if healt issue. he needed time and space and even told me he will fight for us and work on the issues and then it was worse then ever. i was reaching out to him. he is not replying currentl. he stopped after wishing me luck on my interview and never replied when i texted how it went… its been like 2 week. i hate that i love him. he replied amazingly quickly to my break up message bc he wouldn’t pick up my call. he said bullshit like i don’t deserve the kind of person he is now. and wished my nice summer. also told me i can text him anytim, to that i laughed
I’m trying to understand a breakup with someone I believe has avoidant/fearful-avoidant tendencies.
We were together for a long time, and I became a huge part of her support system. I helped with her kids, car problems, rides, work stress, money occasionally, errands, and emotional support. She had even cried before and told me nobody had ever treated her as well as I did.
Then she asked for a break because she said she was overwhelmed, needed time for herself and her kids, wasn’t ready for something serious, and felt like everyone needed something from her when she couldn’t even fill her own cup.
The confusing part is that during the break, she told me her ex had been reaching out and trying to fix things with her. Eventually she admitted feelings for him had resurfaced.
Meanwhile, I was still helping her constantly, especially with her car, driving her around and basically still acting like her partner.
Then one day her ex showed up to visit her. She claims she didn’t know he was just going to stop by, but finding out about it was what made me snap. I felt like I was fixing her car and supporting her while she was entertaining another man.
I told her she could fix her own fucking car, flipped out, and told her we were fucking done.
Before that, she had said she still wanted us to be cool even if the relationship didn’t work out. So she ended the commitment, but I ultimately ended the connection and her access to me.
I know I was extremely angry and didn’t handle the ending perfectly, but I don’t regret stopping the boyfriend-level support.
My questions are:
Can an avoidant genuinely be overwhelmed and still start reconnecting with an ex, or was “I need space” probably just a softer breakup?
Can avoidants initially feel relief and then feel the loss later once the other person completely stops chasing/helping?
If she expected me to stay in her life, does me completely cutting off the connection make the breakup hit differently?
Do avoidants sometimes minimize everything their partner did for them and recognize it more later?
Why go back toward an ex who previously hurt you instead of the person who was consistently there?
Can she still miss/regret losing me even while reconnecting with him?
If she ever comes back, how do I tell whether she actually misses me versus just missing the support and comfort I provided?
And the hardest question: was I actually loved, or was I mainly useful and emotionally safe for her during a difficult time?
Hi everyone,
I’m trying to make sense of something that happened after an eight-month relationship, because the contrast between the relationship itself and the breakup has been really hard for me to process.
We’re both in our mid-50s and both have children, from teenagers to young adults. We didn’t meet on a dating app. We already knew each other indirectly through mutual friends and professional circles. We’re from the same small town and went to the same high school.
The relationship developed slowly. It took about three months before we became physically intimate. By January and February we had our own little world: nicknames, inside jokes, favourite songs, shared references. He initiated the first date in November and most of the dates afterward. We texted every day, often throughout the day.
He was warm and very present when we were together. He would reach for my hand, intertwine his fingers with mine, kiss me in public, play with my hair, and during intimate moments he would look into my eyes for a long time, very deeply. I experienced those looks as meaningful. After the breakup, he told me they didn't have any particular meaning for him.
He was actually quite open in many ways. He talked a lot about his children, his parents, his friends, his interests and especially his mother, who had died. He sometimes compared me to her. He remembered plenty of details about me and loved to make fun of me in a loving way. What he seemed less comfortable with was talking directly about his own emotions. I didn't consider that a problem. I assumed he simply needed more time to open up. He could tell me stories about work or his life, and I understood that this was his way of telling me how he felt about people and things.
He also rarely talked about previous relationships. The exception was the last Sunday before the breakup mi-July, when he told me in detail about a painful previous breakup and how abandoned he had felt. It was the first time he had really opened up to me about that part of his life.
April and May were particularly good. He initiated day trips, long days walking around the city, romantic outings and other things that clearly required time and effort. Before a month-long trip in June, he looked at me deeply and told me he was proud of me because of something I had accomplished. He stayed in regular contact while travelling, texted me before his flight home and brought me carefully chosen souvenirs.
When he came back in July, he planned a full day of cycling and a picnic with me. We had a wonderful day, came home exhausted and fell asleep. All day long, he kissed me on street corners, teased me as usual, and told me to cuddle up next to him while we were lying on the blanket in the park. We laughed a lot, as usual.
The next morning we were intimate, had breakfast and talked for a long time about our previous relationships. At one point I told him I had been a little afraid that his trip might have changed something between us. He laughed and reassured me that he was back and everything was fine. He gave me the souvenirs he'd brought me.
Monday was completely normal. We exchanged messages throughout the day. Tuesday morning, he sent me a funny video, as he often did. At night, we texted as usual.
On Wednesday I asked what he was planning for the following weekend and discovered he had already made plans with his family and for himself. I then texted him to invite him to my son's upcoming birthday, which would have meant meeting some members of my family. I made it clear that the invitation was entirely optional, and jokingly added that it was certainly not a commitment to marriage.
That invitation seems to have been the turning point. His response caught me completely off guard. He suddenly became very formal and simply said that he would get back to me about it. I felt he was uncomfortable and immediately replied that it was fine if he didn't want to attend.
Silence followed until Friday.
On Saturday, he broke up with me by phone.
He told me that, to him, the invitation meant the relationship was changing status and that new family ties were being created. To me, it was simply an invitation so he could better understand my life and the people I care for. It didn't seem like a big deal after eight months. He never gave us the chance to talk about it.
He told me that he had apparently known since around April that his feelings weren't going to develop into what he called an "amorous impulse" or romantic commitment. But he had never told me that he was having doubts. He continued behaving affectionately, initiating plans and responding positively whenever I showed interest.
He refused to meet in person. He said that a face-to-face conversation would be too painful and would become an interrogation. I told him that what hurt me was not simply his decision, but that I had been given no indication that he was reaching it, and that he was refusing to have a conversation about what the relationship had meant to each of us. To me, it was simply about respecting what we had shared. We never had a fight and he always told me I was easy to get along with. Even the last Sunday, he said it was easy to talk to me.
He then sent several emails explaining his decision, even though I had told him that if he wasn't willing to meet, I didn't want more explanatory emails.
He said that some weekends when he had taken time for himself should have been understood as signs that his feelings weren't progressing at the same pace as mine. This had happened maybe three or four times over six months. I had considered it completely normal. We both have children, friends, family and our own lives, and we hadn't reached the stage of integrating each other fully into our families and social circles.
He also described my understanding of the relationship as projection. That hurt.
At the same time, in one of his emails he acknowledged that there had been affection, comfort, complicity and many positive things between us, but said that they had never become what he considered an "amorous impulse." He said he was sincerely exploring a romantic possibility.
That's the part I am struggling with.
I can accept that we didn't feel exactly the same thing. But based on everything I actually experienced, I had very little reason to think I was living something fundamentally different from him. That's what I find so difficult to understand.
In February, he planned a concert we were supposed to attend in September. He reached for my hand when we walked. He kissed me in public. He planned romantic outings. He showed me places that mattered to him and places connected to his childhood. He told me he was proud of me. He brought me gifts from his trip. He kept in touch while travelling. He continued sending me funny videos and the little affectionate messages and emojis that had become part of our relationship.
None of that proves he was in love with me in the same way I was falling for him. But it makes it very difficult for me to understand how my experience can now be described as essentially a projection.
After the breakup, I removed him from my social media because seeing him there was making it harder for me to heal. Some of my stories were public and he continued viewing some of them, partly because we have many friends in common, so I eventually blocked him on Facebook and Instagram. I then sent him a voice message explaining why I was doing it.
I chose a voice message deliberately. I wanted him to hear my tone of voice. I wanted to speak calmly and remind him that there was an actual person on the other side of this, not just a disagreement that could be settled through emails.
I told him I was puzzled by his version of the relationship and that I had been deeply hurt by the way he handled the breakup. I told him that the way he handled the breakup had changed the way I viewed him, and that by refusing to meet me, he had made the breakup much more dehumanizing than it needed to be. I wasn't asking him to come back or reconsider. I didn't even ask him to respond.
He briefly replied that we had not been "on the same page."
I answered that I had never really known what page he was on. I wished him good luck. As far as I was concerned, the exchange was over.
A week later, he wrote again.
And this is where the contrast became almost surreal to me.
The man I had known for eight months was warm, funny, affectionate and attentive. The person writing this email was extremely cold, rigid, defensive and bureaucratic. He described my voice message as "scripted" and said that my interpretation of the relationship was a way of avoiding the reality that our feelings were asymmetrical. He used the word "asymmetrical" repeatedly in his emails.
He also said he had closed all communication channels so that I could move on, even though I had already blocked him on Facebook and Instagram. He removed me from LinkedIn, (not blocked me) where we had never communicated.
I found the lack of empathy much harder than the breakup itself. It seemed like I was not even a human being to him anymore.
So this is what I'm trying to understand.
I am not looking for advice on how to get him back. We have been broken up for a month today, and I am actually doing much better. I want to move on, but so many things don't compute in my heart and in my head.
I'm trying to understand how the same person can seem so warm and human during the relationship and then become almost completely detached during the breakup.
The relationship was real to me, and he doesn't completely deny that in his emails. It was real to him too. The affection was real. Whatever his feelings ultimately were, the connection was real. And, to me, it was a relationship in the making. How could it be so radically different for him?
Thanks,
Hi, frankly, I feel like I’ve got nobody to speak to, so I guess I’ll post here. I (M20) just broke up with my (F21) girlfriend and I don’t know if I did the right thing.
She’s got BPD, but she manages it quite well, and I’m FA and working on it. She says I’ve improved a lot, I don’t know, but either way the dynamic can get tiring.
I feel like a terrible person. She’s the sweetest person ever and almost never hurts me, and I on the other hand, always end up saying or doing something hurtful without intending it. I’m tired of being a bad boyfriend, I just wanna be known as a good friend, but when I get into relationships I just become insufferable. It was almost 1 year of being together and I broke it off today for a few reasons:
She told me that I can still think about it, and I don’t know what to think. At moments, I want to be with her, but I also think I’m saving us both pain by doing this. I have no clue, frankly.
Yeah idk, the self awareness makes it feel worse, cuz I know I’m the worse person and she’s never done anything to deserve this horrible treatment.
My gf (27F) broke up with me (34M).
We have been temporarily long distance 3 months due to me having to take a temporary trip to my home country due to health and family reasons.
During this, one day she sends me photos which make it clear to me that she broke a boundary that was important to me and I have repeatedly communicated over the years and was no doubt clear to her that it might make me uncomfortable. She has broken my other boundaries repeatedly in the previous years. I have stressed that before doing something it's always better to ask me upfront if unclear.
I am dealing with an extremely stressful life situation with an impactful disability and was traveling. Seeing that proof made me send her a message that I regretted where I stated i didn't feel emotionally safe to be exclusive anymore. I sent it because it was clear to me that in that moment she didn't care about my emotional safety as a partner. I regret reacting with that message but I can't change the past.
Weeks later she sends a few messages on that she should leave and disappears and ghosts. She hasn't responded in two weeks and I am not going to send her any more messages and will try to move on.
This was end of a 4 year relationship. when I tried to call once and then weeks later in my final messages asked for a call she didn't respond.
I regret my side of it but I can't change it. I sent her explanatory messages. I have been dealing with one of the toughest times of my life when my nervous system was already fried, my disability is a neurological disease and then her sending provocative stuff made me respond in a way that i regret.
But now I can't fix this because while she has read every message i have sent she has already moved out, asked where to leave the keys and has ghosted. I am not gonna Initiate contact anymore and will focus on moving on and forgetting about her.
Sad story but at the same time I feel like I only saw her true colors now about how easily she can discard and abandon me and doesnt even agree to a call. I feel like I don't know this person anymore. We used to live together for 3+ years and spent every day together.
I'm 30M and just went through a 919-day relationship (nearly 3 years) that ended on July 7th. My ex is 30F and she blocked me on Spotify and Instagram a few days ago.After a little time into dating, we saw each other grow emotionally, mentally, financially, and in our careers. We even found out we went to the same elementary and middle school, and her aunt was my early grade school teacher. Given her grandmother's ring after her funeral as a gift, knowing the day of the funeral; I dreamt of my grandmother telling me to give her the ring and hypothetically asked her last week with all the bells and whistles, planning to ask her immediate family and parents without her knowing, with her hand in marriage.We had a solid foundation. My cousin using my old phone knowing I promised to buy him one and used my old phone privvy of my knowledge of him on my old phone. I bought her a phone, tires, bed, forgave her for damaging my car. But there was a trust issue that wasn't my fault; my cousin was messaging girls on my old phone that was paired to the same iCloud, and she saw a screenshot of their messages in my photos.I've been in therapy working on childhood trauma, codependency, and a need for control. I'm doing the work; I'm studying avoidant attachment patterns, holding no-contact, and focusing on my own growth. I have a fragrance business that's gaining momentum, and I'm saving for my own apartment by December.The hard part is I still love her deeply. I'd wait for her until my last breath. But I'm trying to become someone she'd want to come back to, not someone she'd feel obligated to.I'm at 5 weeks post-breakup. The loneliness is brutal, but I'm holding the line. Has anyone else dealt with an avoidant who blocked you? How did you stay strong?
So i (f28) and my partner (m28) have been together since mid 2023 in LDR. Everything was amazing we got close too fast and he even decided that he wanted to marry me and was trying to talk at home with his parents and get them on board. But late 2025 things started to fall off. He would be too busy to call.. texts went down. And even when i was in his city he wouldn't get time to meet me. It was really frustrating but I was trying to be very patient. I lost it when he went on weekend business trip to another city while he had told me hed let me know if he was free during the weekend. And I got to know he was in another city on the day when I asked if were meeting today. Anyway he promised to take care of it and not to do that again but 2 weeks later he went to another country with his boys as a boys trip for 5 days and that same week he told me hed try to meet me. I was very very disappointed but I didnt wanna ruin his trip so I didnt say. After the whole trip etc when we finally did talk which I lowkey forced him for a call I ended up lashing out and saying sth sarcastic that hurt him and he hung up on me and refused to call/text or do anything abt it. The only text id get is anger or just " whyd you say that" etc and i tried not to defend myself and take full responsibility but everytime i said sth that questioned him or made a lot more sense he'd push me back saying " leave me alone" or " i dont want to talk to you right now". Went on for around 5 months lowkey no contact. And then in april 2026 I reached out calmly and surpringly he was willing to let me in. We reconnected and he initiated that we bridge the gap and we ended up sexting although i didnt want to dive right there when we hadnt even talked abt the issue . Lasted 2 weeks before he panicked and said that he cant do it it hurts his heart and when i tried to reason but the same " leave me alone for now". Then 3 months later I reached out because I was done sitting in uncertainty I forced for a call and we finally talked abt what happened and i finally understood that it wasnt the words alone that hurt him. He also admitted that he might be still in love with me which is why it hurts him so much more. It was the tone, my words my face expression and the fact that he thought I removed some frustration of something else on him becahse the comment I passed wasnt entirely related to the issue. He said his trauma was triggered ( childhood trauma abt physical abuse). And the call ended with he saying hed think abt whether he is up to trying again or no and if he says no then he doesnt want further discussion. I agreed but I didnt hear from him for another 2 weeks. I gently reached out and he said he was confused. I tried to tell me him that its ok yo be confused that his mind is trying to protect him from future harm but it does not have to be a future harm. He got defensive. And i should've backed out here but I didnt I tried to reason out and made some good points and he pulled bsck with the same " leave me alone or leave completely" this is when I realised that this is a pattern. I dug deeper esp on his words when he said he tried to fix his heart or his mind but its not working. And I realised that 90% of what he says matches FA. But I don't think he realises this. And idk how to tell him. I can text him but his last msg was to leave him alone. This was our first ever conflict in 2.5 yrs. Im just so confused. Ive thought abt calmly politely trying to explain to him but idk if hed block me or what because I guess that dies hurt his ego?. Ive thought abt maybe sending a reel? But I can't ever be sure he would watch it or even understand it. Im really confused.
Please suggest me someway that i can try telling him so he can work on it on the right way and possibly not push me further away
I only recently came to a conclusion that I’ve been (extremely subconsciously) pushing love interests away for 7 years. Not in the traditional sense of actually ending things myself, but i’ve been putting out extremely avoidant energy, and in turn making my partners insecure and making them feel like they’re not enough for me, and ultimately they end up leaving. I’m really glad I finally came to this conclusion, because this whole time I thought the men were the entire problem, but it’s been my fear too. My problem herein lies, since finding out this problem, i’ve been talking to a really really great guy, and although consciously i feel ready, I know my subconscious is going to flip shit at some point. With this new awareness, I’m so scared of fucking this up. Any advice?
TLDR: realized i’ve been unconsciously giving off avoidant energy for years causing love interests to walk away and Im finally interested in someone and don’t want to repeat the same cycle again. HELP!
So mine has unblocked me about 3 weeks ago on whatsapp and tiktok (our main methods of communication) but no message. Without judgement, what does this mean? When they unblock but dont message? My tiktok especially is on private so what is he thinking??
he is severely Fearful avoidant. we are 3 months No contact post discard.
The last time he saw him he told me how much he was falling for me etc we had plans for the future we never made it too. Then on a random monday he blocked, 2nd time hes done this.
I’ve (28F) known this guy (26M) for about 3 years. We had a romantic/sexual connection in the past that ended badly. About 9 months ago, after a period where he had been fading, we had what felt like an amazing, intimate date, about a week later he ended things. We didn’t talk for roughly 9 months after that. Well just a few messages. I was broken…
About 2 months ago, he reached out, gave me his phone number for the first time, started texting me every day, initiated conversations constantly, made plans, and seemed very interested. Before a recent trip, he would text me throughout the day in every small opening he had. He wanted to see me, stayed up very late with me, was affectionate and was emotionally vulnerable. We had several intense conversations and eventually became physically intimate again.
The connection in person feels extremely intense. There’s prolonged eye contact, a lot of touching and affection, sexual chemistry, and a level of emotional closeness that does not feel casual. He’s also shared very personal things with me. Because of how he behaves when we’re together, I have a hard time reconciling that version of him with how distant he can become after.
Right before he left for the trip, there were small signs of him pulling back. One night he almost bailed on plans, but when I set a boundary, he immediately stepped up. After we spent that night together, I noticed little things that felt different, such as him not asking me to text when I got home. At first he was still texting normally while traveling. But after he met up with his friend, his communication changed. Replies became slower and low effort.
While he was away, I brought up feeling disconnected. He apologized and said he was barely using his phone etc. I later told him I missed him, which was vulnerable for me, and he responded quickly that he “missed seeing (me) too.” When he landed back home, he texted me literally as he landed.
After he returned, though, the pre-trip level of pursuit never came back. He was still contacting me, initiating good mornings, sending voice notes, and being warm, but the frequency, curiosity, planning, and intensity were significantly lower.
Around this same time, he told me his mom was dealing with a serious medical situation. He said it had been going on for several weeks and that she had been hospitalized. I believe that situation is real and genuinely stressful. The timing overlaps almost exactly with when his behavior started changing, so I think it is part of what is happening but I don’t think it explains everything
I directly asked him where he was emotionally because I felt confused. He said he sometimes gets confused about his own feelings, that his head is dealing with a lot, and that he needs time to process. I explicitly gave him an out and said that if he wanted to explore other people or needed space, I would respect it. He responded specifically that he did not want to explore anyone or anything like that and that he just needed time to process everything happening. He has continued talking to me since then.
My working theory has been that he may have a fearful-avoidant attachment pattern rather than simply losing interest. I’m not diagnosing him, but the pattern seems to be: he strongly pursues closeness, becomes very emotionally and physically connected, and then seems overwhelmed/confused and pulls back afterward. He also has some dismissive traits when he withdraws. I’m trying to figure out whether his “confusion” is genuinely about his feelings for me, or more about the pressure/responsibility/vulnerability of what those feelings would require from him
A couple days ago I finally told him more directly what I have been noticing. I told him that almost a month without seeing him sucked; that I wasn’t asking him to justify himself; that I felt something between us had shifted; and that every time we get very close and things feel really good, he seems to pull back afterward. I told him I didn’t know whether that was fear, overwhelm, confusion, or something else. I acknowledged his mom’s situation and said I wasn’t minimizing it. I told him that from my perspective it was disorienting because when we’re together the connection feels extremely real, and then he leaves and it feels like a wall goes up. I said I didn’t need an immediate answer but hoped he would actually reflect on what happens internally for him. I said I felt like I was almost imaging it.
The next morning he said he wasn’t sure what to say yet, apologized for making things confusing me, thanked me for being honest, and said he would try to explain and figure things out when he could.
Last night I spontaneously asked him to get ice cream. He came, and we ended up at his house. We were physically affectionate and almost had sex, but we didn’t.
Something happened there that has now seriously damaged my trust. He has black sheets, and I saw conspicuous white-looking stains that looked exactly like dried semen to me. I jokingly mentioned it and eventually told him what it looked like. He immediately explained that it was from. At first I thought the explanation was completely ridiculous and assumed he was lying.
After leaving, I started researching it obsessively and his explanation is no longer impossible to me. I also asked Reddit and got totally mixed answers: some people said his explanation was plausible and others said they thought it was semen. So the this did not give me certainty.
I left his house before we had sex. Before I left, I said I needed to get home so my dad could sleep and that maybe I’d come back. He said there was no way he was going to fall asleep and told me to text when I got home. I texted him after getting home and he didn’t respond. That made me even more suspicious because he had just said he wasn’t going to sleep.
I eventually sent him a message saying, essentially: I want to believe what you said tonight, but I’m having a hard time. I feel like you’re hooking up with people, and if that’s the case, okay. I just wanted honesty, and now I’m questioning things.
He later responded early morning: he fell asleep & “Fair enough, you have the right of thinking in what made sense for you. Hope you sleep well!” I was confused and he later clarified he’s not hooking up with others but if I didn’t believe him he didn’t know what to say. I’m not naive but I truly with my whole heart want to believe him but I’m struggling.
There is also a social-media layer that has been making me suspicious. He reactivated Instagram after previously deactivating it, has followed some new people. He also seems to toggle his Instagram activity status on and off. I know none of this proves he is seeing someone, but combined with the reduced communication it has made me hyperaware. At the same time, he still continues texting me daily, has initiated conversations, came to see me last night, and previously explicitly denied wanting to explore other people.
What I am trying to understand is:
Does this look more like someone who has significant feelings but deactivates/gets overwhelmed, or someone whose interest has simply declined?
Does his behavior fit fearful-avoidant more than dismissive-avoidant, or am I using attachment theory to explain behavior that is really just disinterest? If it’s disinterest why didn’t he take the 3-4 outs I gave?
How should I interpret his response to my accusation about hooking up with other people?
Does the lack of an explicit denial seem meaningful, or could it reasonably be defensiveness because he already explained himself?
Based on the overall pattern, is there meaningful evidence that another woman is involved, or am I filling in uncertainty with the worst-case explanation?
If his mom’s medical situation is genuinely serious, how much weight should I give that when interpreting the dramatic change in his communication?
Most importantly, does this look like a connection that has some realistic chance of stabilizing if I give him time, or am I prolonging something that is fundamentally going to repeat the same cycle?
I’m not looking for “you deserve better” or generic advice to just leave. I’m specifically trying to understand the psychology and behavior as objectively as possible so I can make my own decision
I also think it’s relevant that I’m probably a healing fearful-avoidant myself, but with him I tend to lean more anxious. I’ve done a lot of work on my own attachment patterns over the years, so I recognize a lot of the push-pull dynamics from the inside rather than only from theory. That’s part of why I feel like I understand him in some ways: I know what it’s like to want closeness and then feel overwhelmed by it, to have fear distort what you’re feeling, or to create distance when something suddenly feels too vulnerable or high-stakes. At the same time, because I’m more anxious with him, his withdrawal activates me hard and makes me seek clarity, reassurance, and explanations. So I’m aware that I may be both accurately recognizing some avoidant dynamics in him and becoming more hypervigilant because his distancing hits my own attachment system.
Lets say the girl did you no wrong at all , but you abruptly ended things due to your own trauma/fears.
I have been unblocked 3 weeks ago on Tiktok.....