​

I’m not spiraling, but I recently came across a TikTok video about avoidant attachment styles and the most hurtful things they say in relationships. Looking through the comments, I realized he has said almost all of them. He might word things slightly differently, but the core messages are the same (honestly, it feels like there’s a secret avoidant manual out there). The phrases that stuck out to me the most were things like, "You deserve better," and "Find someone else who can give you what you need." He used to tell me to find someone else to "date and yearn for," and I’m certain he’ll say it again if I bring up relationships.

The crazy part is how contradictory his actions are. When he thought I was dating a girl named Maya, he would give her death glares and completely stopped talking to her, even though they were cordial before. If I seem too comfortable around anyone else, he gets visibly annoyed. Even when two of his close friends showed interest in me, he openly mentioned how much he despised them for it and hated how comfortable I allowed them to be around me.

Before he got with his girlfriend, Chloe (whom he no longer likes), I used to joke around and tell him to find a girlfriend. When he actually did, it turned into a massive mess between us. Yet, he still tells me to find a partner, while simultaneously admitting that he feels a sense of "ownership" over me. If he sees me spending the whole day around someone he thinks I like, it becomes a huge problem because he gets visibly hurt and annoyed. He tells me to be selfish and not worry about his thoughts, but my actions clearly bother him deeply.

The Mixed Signals & Effort:

Despite all this, his friends tell me he treats me completely differently than his exes or his current girlfriend. He values my opinion on an incredibly deep level. When he rejected me, he literally told me he was doing it to "protect me from him." Yet, he always shows up, stays consistent, and tries his absolute best to never make me upset. If I do get mad at him, he will ask why; if I don't tell him, he gets withdrawn for the rest of the day until we finally talk and solve it. My best friend even swears he blushes around me.

He acts completely obsessed. I wonder if he tells me to date other people just because he knows I won't. A month ago, he told me he expected me to be dating by now and noticed I seemed hesitant because no one interests me. He definitely has this detached, "lone-wolf" persona where he dissociates from people, talks about not letting humans get too close, and claims only one person from his past has ever known him up to 90% (and that took years).

But with me, he has admitted I’m the only one he has ever gone this far with. He pushes me away when I get too close, but at the same time, he doesn't have a hard time being vulnerable with me the way a typical avoidant would. He actively avoids saying things that would hurt me because he knows I’ll withdraw, which makes him feel like a jackass and causes him to shut down.

Our Dynamic:

If the question is whether he wants me, I think he does. He doesn’t have an issue with liking me; he just chooses not to fully act on it. He listens to absolutely everything I say—if I tell him to do or not do something, he follows through. He lets me get away with things he would never tolerate from anyone else.

He is completely in sync with my moods. He always knows when something is off, checks on me, and genuinely tries to comfort me even though he’s usually bad at it. He actively works on parts of himself that he knows will upset me because he genuinely hates and fears me being mad at him. Whenever we get into an argument or I try to cut him off, he gets so hurt and annoyed that he asks, "Why do I even try?" But even when things get bad, he never stops trying until things are good again.

I know if he ever saw me kiss someone else, he would spiral badly. Our eye contact is captivating; even if we are talking to other people across the room, we will just lock eyes for as long as it lasts. The tension is unreal. He usually hates people being overly touchy, but he never stops me—in fact, he encourages it. We are both incredibly possessive and obsessed with who gets each other's attention.

The Push-and-Pull Cycle:

Honestly, I know I can be bad for him too. I send him through hell with my attitude and I can piss him off easily, but no matter how much he complains, he never actually leaves or stops making me a priority. He might do things to "punish" me or try to change my behavior, but he stays. We text every single day. If we don’t, he assumes there’s a problem. When I try to give him space thinking he needs it, he gets upset, hurt, and wants me to miss him. He constantly tries to morph into what he thinks I want, even when he doesn't know what that is.

In the beginning, he used to be the one threatening to cut me off. Now, after big arguments, I'm the one who blocks and ignores him. He gets hurt, and so do I, but because I don't show it, he thinks he isn't important to me. He’s so used to me cutting him off now that if I threaten it, he doesn't believe me or just asks, "For how long?" Our "no-contact" phases never last more than a month before we start speaking again. He insists he doesn't sabotage things and tries his best not to.

Another weird thing: when I say "I love you" to my friends, he genuinely freezes up with a look that is a mix of shock and hurt (I have never said it to him). And when we aren’t speaking, he constantly finds indirect ways to force us to interact, getting annoyed if I still ignore him. He also watches me constantly when we are out, tracking my movements and interactions, and will text me about it later, once saying, "You shouldn't be surprised that I see you when you don't see me."

Conclusion:

In person, our dynamic is amazing because I torment him playfully and we have a great time. Over text, it gets messy. I can honestly see why he won't fully choose me. Because of his behavior and his struggles with communication, I feel like I would get exhausted over time in an actual relationship, and we’d probably just break up anyway. I’ve accepted this side of him, but we are completely stuck in this limbo of wanting each other.

What is your conclusion based on all of this? Is this textbook avoidant behavior, or is something else going on here?

TL;DR: I’m stuck in a high-tension limbo with a guy who uses classic avoidant phrases (telling me to find someone else, pushing me away when close), but his actions are incredibly possessive, obsessed, and attentive. He treats me completely differently than his exes, gets intensely jealous, and we are stuck in a constant cycle of arguments and making up. What is going on with him?

I would really value some insight, especially from people who identify as fearful-avoidant or who have successfully navigated an FA reconnection. NB: I do stray into pop-psychology terms at times, it is for ease, I know it is not how things are irl.

The short(ish🤦🏼‍♂️) version:

My ex and I (both in our 50s) had what was, for around 10–11 months, a genuinely happy relationship. We broke up about five months ago following a period of extreme external stress in her life combined with increasing relationship weight. Looking back afterwards I discovered attachment theory. I recognise my own anxious tendencies (more the over-accommodating/fawning style than clingy or reassurance-seeking. I do not do "needy" and I am taking steps to catch/stop the over-availabilty), and I know she fits a fearful-avoidant pattern.

After about a month of no contact we gradually started to rebuild things, at least we gravitated back to each other. There was a couple of months of slow messaging. Then for the last couple of months we've been seeing each other again, entirely at a pace that has developed naturally between us. Neither of us has labelled what we're doing, but it is clearly way more than friendship. We have not talked about it directly, only made occasionally sideways references to it. We have both built this, innately playing our parts, this is not something that one of us has done - it has been co-authored.

The pattern I'm noticing:

Whenever intimacy or emotional significance increases, we seem to move two steps forward, then one step back.

Examples:

• The first time I stayed over again, afterwards there was an unusual messaging delay.

• As things became more obviously "date-like", there were more pauses after emotionally significant moments.

• Last weekend was our biggest emotional evening yet. She opened up about work, family and health, admitted part of her wanted to keep going while another part was internally saying "what are you doing?", and as I left she quietly said "Love you". I replied "I love you too." I'm not building everything on those words, but it was clearly a significant moment that slipped out while her guard was down.

This weekend she declined seeing me because of family commitments and ongoing health issues (something that's been affecting her for several weeks so she is possibly a bit worn out, depleted). The reply felt emotionally flat, but after I simply wished her a good weekend she immediately replied "You too." So there is still connection there, she isn't distancing from me as such - it just seems a processing lag. (Similar to what happened a week before, but she came back stronger after the gap).

My question:

To me it feels as though when we're together, everything is easy. We reconnect, laugh, relax and are physically and emotionally close. It is just effortless comfort and ease.

Then afterwards, when she's alone again, her system seems to need a few days to regulate before she leans back in. (I fully expect to see her again, this seems one of those processing gaps).

Does that fit with how fearful-avoidant attachment can feel from the inside?

Is it common for reconnecting relationships to look like:

• closeness,

• then a brief pause or withdrawal,

• then gradual re-engagement, rather than one smooth upward line?

I'm not trying to avoid triggering her attachment system completely anymore—I suspect that's impossible if the relationship is becoming meaningful. Instead I'm wondering whether the goal is simply for those "recalibration pauses" to become shorter and less intense over time as enough safety is experienced. In essence, through gradual exposure 'to me' again, her system is building up familiarity/resistance - like inoculation, followed by nothing bad happening.

For context, I'm not chasing, demanding reassurance or repeatedly pushing for answers. I generally give space, keep messages low pressure and let her come back at her own pace.

I'd really appreciate perspectives, particularly from people who've experienced this from the avoidant side. Does this pattern sound familiar?

And for those who have navigated this successfully, did the baseline of safety eventually override the "alarm system" just by keeping the environment steady, or did there come a point where explicit communication about the pattern itself became necessary?

I fully expect to see her again and this to be ongoing after she has had this pause, probably this coming weekend..

I got him therapy, why isnt he fixed.

Hello all. I started seeing a guy a few months ago. For context, he seems like a classic fearful avoidant. As a child, he witnessed the violent deaths of both his mother and father. He has recieved therapy for this. He is now extremely independent, values his own space, and tends to keep to himself. His only long term successful relationships have been with women who travelled frequently for work.

Right from the start, he warned me that he was very good at running from relationships. He talked about getting close to people, then becoming scared once his feelings grew. At one point he even told me that I scared him because he was developing feelings for me, and that those feelings threatened the independence he had built his life around.

Things between us became really intense. He said he wanted to do life with me, told me I was perfect for him both in looks and personality, and said I understood him in a way nobody else had. I believe this to be true because I took a lot of time researching his personality type and mental health problems he has. Ironically, he came on very strongly in the beginning and seemed more anxiously attached, while I felt quite secure. That has completely reversed.

Out of nowhere, he developed cold feet about us spending more time together. He told me he couldn’t give me what I want because of logistics. I’d had enough of the excuses so ignored, and then he came back with “but I love being with you so have a think”(?!). He told me I deserved better than him, that he was not the man for me, and that deep down I already knew that. I accepted what he said and pulled back, but as soon as I did, he started pursuing me again with constant check ins and phone calls.

Eventually I set a boundary. I told him I could not do a casual texting situation and that either we were working towards something meaningful or this would be my last message. Since then, nothing. He has completely frozen and it has now been over 24 hours and counting.

Am I being unrealistic to think he might eventually break the silence, or should I accept that this is over and move on?

Do you think hes still attatched to me and planning to come back? Opinions, no advice please

This is the 3rd time hes left. The 2nd time he specified he is coming back but needed space for therapy as i just got him to get therapy. 3rd time he shut down like the 1st time. Im still treating this as permanent regardless.

In march i accidentally added him bc i was stalking his page (i know) i unadded him then he immediately added me back.

He asked to see pics of me bc i told him i dyed my hair, he told me about his life, he successes, he showed me his new lego set he bought. told me he missed me and would never pass up an opportunity to talk to me when i said i felt like i didnt mean much

He said none of this had to do with me and if he felt like he could he would 100% be with me. He said he feels incapable of having friends or relationships as "thats who i am" and he told me he still dreams of me. I was really upset and begged him to just stay in contact which is out of the norm for me and he said he wants to but cant.

He said his biggest fear of disappointing me so he treats it like shrodingers cat. He said he doesnt want to push me away permanently and shut down and that he cant even imagine his own future. He said when he says rest of his life he means like 5 years maybe and that he cant say anything definitively.

When i asked if this bs was forever and he said i dont know maybe? I started to get upset and shut down. I asked him if hes just happier wothout me, said no he just feels more in control. He said hed love to still have a connection but he feels like he would be failing me. He gave me half assed suggestions to appease my need for connection with him (its personal and would require explanation so im not divulging here)

He said this was a "hard" descion for him. He said it isnt me that causes anxiety and stress and it has nothing to do with me, it his inability to handle anything between us and we get along so well that hes scared of screwing it up.

I got pissed off, asked him to just check on me for once. Then unadded him.

I later found a playlist called "i want to" with songs called "i was all over her" or "i just want to hold her" or "limerence" or literally anything else similar. All the lyrics about missing and loving a 'her' im the only girl hes ever dated so is this playlist about me? He was listening to it as recently as yesterday. All his other Playlists are just named after the artists he put in it and none of them have the songs with romantic themes. Am i crazy for thinking tbis playlist is about me?

Idk is this just another shut down or is this his permanent goodbye?

I just wanna know bc i want to understand bc i still dont. Any perspective would be nice. Its only source of closure.

Thanks yall

Hi everyone,

I was dating a guy for 8 months. Around 6-7 months I asked if we could be exclusive. At first he said he wasn’t opposed to the idea of it. However, he said he need to see if on our second trip he could relax and be himself. Our first trip he said he couldn’t . Granted he was dealing with a lot of emotions and he realized a traumatic experience he had that he didn’t realize before. He also said he didn’t like the movie I chose that we watched in theaters. I didn’t really enjoy it either but that’s ok. He didn’t think it was ok from my understanding. He went on about how he felt like something was wrong with him and asked why him. I tried to be supportive and understanding. In June is when we took our trip. I thought it went ok and overall I enjoyed it. He didn’t seem to act like he didn’t enjoy the trip. The following week he was still affectionat, he would call me a couple of times, he would make plans to see each other or bring up things we could do. Then the next week on Monday he planned a three part date where we would eat, go to a zoo, and a museum. He asked if I could drive. On Friday,in the morning he was still affectionate. He did say he had a really bad headache. I asked if he wanted to raincheck he said he was still down to go but would have to see how he felt as the day went by. At the restauran, we were eating and talking. He said he felt overstimulated. I said maybe you should go outside or the restroom for a bit. He said no he was ok. Then he asked how I thought the trip went. I was honest and said I felt anxious and that I was being evaluated. Then he said that’s what its like. Then he turned it on me saying how he felt anxious because I felt anxious. Then he said he felt pressured by me because he felt I tried to pressure him to get a two day rental car instead of one. I said no we only agreed on one day. Then he said I was gaslighting him. We went outside and then he said we should be friends because he doesn’t feel like he has the capacity for a LTR. We ended up walking and talking about what he was going through and he felt like he was people pleasing people and that he has a lot going on with his parents, work, and friends. I asked if there might be a chance in the future if he did gain the capacity and he said maybe. We then went to Starbucks he offered to buy my drink and said I could get the next one. I refused. He asked what I wanted to do. We went to the zoo and museum and during this time he was talking about what I was doing wrong in the relationship basically things that can be worked on. he said he wanted me to finish things even if I didn’t enjoy it, being consistent by doing that, etc… He started questioning me about what I want in life, life and death, belief in God, opened up about a trauma. I dropped him off at his place he hugged me really tight for a long while and said see you and talk to you soon. We messaged each other and I asked him for clarity. Trying to understand how he could go from planning dates to breaking up 4 days later. He couldn’t really answer my questions and would say he didn’t have the capacity or could give me the reassurance I needed. He said he couldn’t do a LTR right now but then changed it to we aren’t compatible because ’m not consistent because I don’t finish a model kit completely or that I am nit picky. that I should finish things even if I don’t like it. The he needs someone who can travel while on his work trips or for fun. I have more vacation days than most people like every month. The he doesn’t feel heard when he is vulnerable because I don’t specifically say I am so sorry, it must be difficult, I am holding space for you if you want to talk about it you can if not that’s ok. Do you want to go get ice cream and build a model kit? That I don’t remind him to pay him back (I always pay him back), I don’t say thank you enough for gifts or sharing a restaurant with me(I say thank you everything he gives me a gift). Another one is essentially I didn’t mind read how he wanted to be treated or say exactly what he wanted. To me these were just excuses to push me away. These are things that could’ve been worked on. He asked for two weeks no contact to process everything. Did he really want to break up with me or was it because he didn’t like how I responded about the trip? Why did he make me drive if he was going to break up with me? What if I got really emotional. Why does he even want to be friends? He seemed down or low when he broke up with me. Will he change his mind or did he me a what he said?

So I think I may be dealing with a FA (he’s also an Aquarius for those into astrology lol) We started talking 6 months ago. First couple months we literally messaged all day everyday, morning to night, even during the work day..talked about anything and everything. We’d send music everyday, Q&A during the workday, messaging at night.. it became a solid daily routine. During that time he was asking what my love language was, what my dream house would be, what was on my bucket list. one of his bucket list answers was wanting a wife that’s his best friend that he can be himself with, offering to help me with things around the house, etc.

A couple months in I admitted I was starting to have feelings for him, which he gave me this long reply about how truly amazing and genuine I was and it was definitely not me but he was too vulnerable and couldn’t be anything more than friends at the time (he’s been hurt a lot in the past) So we kept it at that and things went back to normal for the next few weeks. Home life got stressful and the hot/cold began.. one of our last texts he promised me he wouldn’t completely disappear on me, and then went digitally silent. 1 text in 8 weeks. BUT, this whole time since we’ve been talking, even during the silent weeks, he still come into my job every single week and he only comes to my line. If I’m busy he’ll stand to the side and wait for me, he won’t go to anyone else. Some weeks he seems really nervous, doesn’t say a whole lot. Not sure what to make of it.. I felt like there was a connection and it was heading somewhere.. did I just imagine the whole thing? I’ve been trying to give him space by not reaching out, but I don’t want him to think I don’t care, so navigating this is difficult as it’s my first experience dealing with a FA.

Thoughts and insight?

Hi all, recently discovered I am a fearful avoidant attachment style currently going through divorce and all my worst fears are happening. All in all I have the want and desire regardless of the situation to heal from this I feel also very solid childhood trauma even in my teen years too. I have been doing a lot of reading and a lot of research into trying to heal but I am only new to attachment styles. I have recently discovered that I have a deep seated belief (or story) which is "something is wrong with me" this explains a lot, through the years of my marriage constantly running to doctors etc to try and find a diagnosis and fix me. I have repressed memories which doesn't help to try EMDR. Where would a good place be to start on this journey. I have a counsellor willing to learn about DBT which I feel would be a start, but any other feedback or advice would most definitely be welcomed.

I’m FA/AP leaning secure. I’ve been in therapy for 8 years and me and my therapist have been touching on childhood wounds further for the past 2 years.

I met someone who was FA leaning DA. I felt like I found my person when I met him. I gave him so much benefit of the doubt, we talked for hours, shared our childhood, just I’ve never felt more myself with anyone..told me he can’t eat sometimes when talking to me.. but then..he’d tell me my emotions are one sided, or tell me he’s dating someone else and when I try and move on…he’d reach out to me again. Say protective things.

Everytime he did this, I would softly tell him how he’s acting and he’s crash out or reject me. I’d give him space and it would start all over again with either one of us reaching out.

The last straw was when I finally just asked him out and he told me he was talking to someone but can keep me separate. We had intimacy and agreed to an FWB. I just left an abusive relationship and just wanted to see how I feel. My only rule was we talk honestly and he changed the rule and told me I’m a backup plan to this girl and that he likes her after he slept with me.

I cracked. I told him he’s cheating on her. I told him he doesn’t respect me. I told him he’s manipulative and doesn’t deserve any of this. I told him how every time I try and leave he chases me and it’s confusing. That I care more about his wellbeing than he does about mine. His response? He’s been clear. I didn’t respond. I’ve just been crying on and off for 2-3 weeks feeling like I’m stupid. Feeling like he’ll pop back up.

You can be patient, understanding, and loving to someone with FA but it DOESNT mean they’ll realize what they have and grow and change. No one MEETS someone and goes “let me be the best I can be for this person”. It’s a fucking trap.

He’s made me feel so delusional for actually loving someone with my whole heart only to be called a backup plan. I can’t stop crying

Me and my gf broke it off about a month ago, it was evidently clear to me then that she was likely a fearful avoident. Couldn't handle another person's feelings, didn't want to hurt me, didn't know if she actually "loved" me (despite saying so), scared of deep intimacy etc, etc. Regardless it was a clean break, and we both left still having a lot of care for eachother.

She was always upfront with me about her struggles, however I don't think she ever learned about attachment theory beyond buzzwords. She always expressed a lot of self awareness already, and a deep want to work through her mental issues, including DBT workbooks and group therapy–as 1on1 therapy is far too expensive for her right now–and medications (for depression and Bipolar).

And so I can't help but wonder, if she had looked into her attachment patterns, would we have stood a better chance? If she did learn would it be worth a second chance, for me and her? From your experience did learning about it make a significant impact on your relationships? Or is this just me in my bargaining phase of grief?

​

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for honest opinions because I've spent almost two months trying to understand what happened.

I'm 26M, she's 22F.

We started talking at the end of February and dated for around 2–3 months (5 dates in total). We weren't officially together, but we were seeing each other consistently and things felt like they were naturally progressing.

She genuinely seemed invested.

Some examples:

After several dates she'd text things like "I loved it!!!!"

She told me she really enjoyed the time we spent together.

She once suggested we should "put things on the table" because there were too many unspoken things between us. Then she completely avoided that conversation.

She offered to film videos for my music project, which felt like a genuine act of care.

She came across as sincere, empathetic, very independent, does plenty of sport, politically engaged in her city, active in organizing events within her university class, and generally emotionally intelligent.

She seems to have a strained relationship with her parents, especially her mother, who works in the same sector as the one she is studying in.

Throughout the relationship, communication was our recurring issue.

One time she cancelled because of exam stress, saying that stress was taking over.

Then, once her exams were over, she was actually the one insisting that we should grab a drink, although that plan eventually fell through.

So the change wasn't sudden.

It felt like a progressive emotional distancing

She wasn't consistent with texting.

Several times I told her that I simply needed a little more clarity because she'd disappear for several days.

Each time I was ready to walk away, she came back.

The first time, she replied literally within a minute saying:

"It would be a shame to throw everything away because of a misunderstanding."

The second time, she came back two days later apologizing, saying:

"I'm really not being cool. I don't want you to think I'm rejecting you, far from it. I really love the moments we spend together."

The third time, she apologized again and explained that she was simply like that: always having a thousand things to do, inconsistent with messaging, and that she understood if that didn't suit me. Unlike the previous two times, she didn't really try to stop me from leaving. She mostly acknowledged my feelings and apologized, but didn't actively fight to keep the connection.

Then came her internship.

She temporarily moved away but came back most weekends.

During that period I noticed a gradual emotional shift.

She slowly became more distant.

After around two weeks without talking, I simply texted:

"Hey, how are you?"

She answered warmly and immediately seemed genuinely enthusiastic about seeing me while she was back for the weekend.

Toward the end (May 9), I admitted that I was very attracted to her and also confessed that I had sometimes doubted whether she was attracted to me.

Looking back, I realize that probably came from anxiety and unintentionally put pressure on her.

She didn't opened the conversation since then.

After that I apologized.

I tried to calm things down.

My final message (May 26) simply wished her the best and said I thought it was sad that we'd drifted apart.

I've respected complete no contact ever since.

So the last message I ever received from her was May 9, before my confession.

It's now been almost two months without a single message from her, and over one month of complete no contact from my side.

Here's what confuses me the most.

She was the one who suggested that we should have an honest conversation because there were "too many unspoken things."

Yet when things actually became emotionally complicated, she completely avoided that conversation.

I expressed my need for clarity several times.

She never actually gave me any.

Instead, it's almost as if she behaves as though everything has already been discussed... even though it never was.

Another detail that confused me:

Through Facebook I later realized she's still connected with her ex there and on Instagram. I'm not saying they're back together or that it necessarily means anything romantic, but it made me wonder whether she's someone who tends to keep old connections rather than cutting people off completely.

Also, according to Instagram, she hasn't even opened our conversation since May 9, despite continuing to watch virtually every story I post, often within an hour.

She hasn't unfollowed me.

She hasn't blocked me.

She never reacts.

No likes.

No messages.

No breadcrumbs.

Just... silence.

I'm genuinely not trying to diagnose her.

But I also can't ignore some things that make me wonder about attachment style:

- difficult family relationships,

- very high independence,

- work/studies always seemed to come first,

- gradual withdrawal as the relationship became more emotionally involved,

- does plenty of sport

- maintaining contact with an ex,

- avoiding difficult conversations despite previously saying we should have one.

Does this sound like someone who became overwhelmed and withdrew (possibly with avoidant tendencies)?

Or does it simply sound like someone who gradually lost interest but didn't know how to communicate it?

Has anyone been on either side of something similar?

I'm genuinely not looking for false hope.

I just want honest perspectives because the contrast between how invested she seemed in the beginning and the complete silence afterwards has been incredibly difficult for me to understand.

Thanks for reading!

This happened a month ago. I was dating a fearful avoidant who, after 5 months of dating asked if we can "pause for the time being".

Prior to this, he was clearly activated and would take days or weeks to respond. I didn't chase, never double texted, gave him space. This happened for around 2 weeks. At this point I have resigned myself to the fact that it's over and we may be breaking up. I felt so disrespected as he wouldn't reply to time sensitive important messages.

After 2 weeks he sends the text asking if we can pause. I tell him it's all good, I understand but we should break up instead. He deflects with humor (this is his way of avoiding difficult topics). I tell him I'm fine being friends (for real, I am friends with some of my exes). He then says yes absolutely I should "keep bothering him" and we should keep seeing each other. Which I felt was over reaching given he just disappeared on me for weeks and we just broke up. I was also annoyed by his framing that I should bother him (his way of saying we should keep talking) as it implies I keep chasing him. So I told him I was never a bother, I'm always a delight, and ew we're not gonna keep seeing each other for the time being because he asked for a pause and I'm gonna respect that boundary because I'm a decent human being.

I believe avoidants cannot handle dealing with a secure attached person. It has been silence since. I think I broke him.

Hey everyone, I really need some brutal honesty and advice from people who understand the Fearful Avoidant (FA) / disorganized attachment style.

The Background: My ex and I had a very intense, beautiful weekend together, but shortly after, he completely panicked. During our final breakup conversation 6 weeks ago, he literally collapsed from emotional overwhelm and nervous system burnout. He told me he couldn’t do this anymore because of the chaos in his head and went completely radio silent. We had 0 contact for 6 weeks.

Three days ago, out of nowhere, he broke NC and texted me this:"Hello, I hope you are doing well. The way we parted ways was stupid. I think about it and about you often, and I want to apologize for my behavior and the way things went. It was always on me, never on you, that it turned out the way it did. Please forgive me 🙏 I don't know if it's too much to ask, but would you like to go out for a coffee with me? PS.: Great profile picture.... and you still have a sweater of mine. Warm regards."

My Response: I wanted to guard my heart. So I waited a bit and replied politely but with boundaries: "Hello, thank you for your message and your honest words, I really appreciate it. We can gladly go out for a casual coffee sometime. Just suggest a time when you are free, and then I’ll see when it works for me. Warm regards."

It has now been 3 full days of absolute silence. No suggestion for a date, nothing. I am terrified that my message sounded too cold, too distant, or like a rejection to his hyper-sensitive FA radar, and that he has bolted again for another 6 weeks out of shame. On the other hand, he is the one who left, so I felt he needed to do the heavy lifting and make the actual plan.

Was my reply too harsh or did it give him the necessary space?

Is this a classic "vulnerability hangover" because he opened up so much in his text?What should I do now?

Should I break the silence to soften my tone (maybe make a joke about his sweater), or should I absolutely hold my ground and wait?

Thank you so much in advance.

This is my first relationship with someone I believe has strong avoidant tendencies. We’ve been together almost two years.

From early on, I questioned whether we were compatible because we have very different needs for connection, consistency, and time together. He says he wants marriage, but his vision of marriage seems much more independent than mine. I want to build a shared life with my partner, while he seems happiest living mostly separate lives and spending time together occasionally.

Over the last year I’ve tried several times to talk about whether we actually want the same kind of relationship. I wasn’t asking him to become someone different—I was genuinely trying to figure out whether we’re compatible. Those conversations usually ended with him becoming defensive or the issue never really getting resolved.

Almost two weeks ago we had the same conversation again. This wasn’t the first conversation about our compatibility—it was probably the fourth or fifth over the course of the relationship. I was emotional, and because I had to leave to pick up my kids, he said, “Let’s put a pin in it for today.” He hugged and kissed me goodbye, and that was the last contact we’ve had.
Normally we text every day, even if it’s brief. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without speaking.

At this point, I’ve accepted that if we want fundamentally different relationships, we’re probably done. What I’m struggling with is whether this silence is an avoidant way of ending the relationship or whether he’s genuinely taking space to process.

I’m considering sending one final text:
“I’m trying to understand where you stand. We’ve gone almost two weeks without talking, and I don’t know whether that means you’ve decided you’re done, whether you needed space, or something else. Can you tell me what the silence has meant from your perspective? I’d rather have a clear answer than keep guessing.”

Part of me feels that after almost two years, we should be able to explicitly tell each other if the relationship is over. The other part wonders whether reaching out simply restarts the anxious/avoidant cycle and that the silence itself is my answer.

**For those who identify as avoidant or have dated avoidants:**

Does this sound like someone who is deactivating and processing, or someone who has already decided the relationship is over?

Would sending that text be productive, or would you leave the silence alone?

TW: suicidal ideations/threats
Long post ahead... So I've (41M) been in an extramarital affair with a partner (43F) more on than off for the better part of 4 years. I'm more anxious attached and she's more fearful avoidant. It's also long distance...

We initially ran a business together and would meet at conferences every 2-3 months. She would (what I know now was deactivation) need space every 3-4 weeks with gradually increasing intensity and this predictably made me very anxious. We agreed early on neither of us were willing to leave our spouses so that never factored into those initial fights.

The intimacy and chemistry between us has always been very strong, esp sexually - which isn't surprising given the dynamic and that both of us have ADHD as well.

After a little more than a year, she left our business and blocked me for the first time. I used our business social accts to contact her and I threatened suicide for the first time. She eventually calmed down and we apologized to each other but didn't resolve anything (mostly because we didn't actually know what the underlying issue was).

6 months later (March of 2024), her sister killed herself after a lengthy battle with a benzo chemical dependency. I was the first person she called - not her husband. And we basically stayed on FaceTime for a week until the funeral including me helping write the eulogy. She deactivated again the day of the funeral and I spiraled hard.

We saw each other about a month after and everything seemed copacetic (the irony of ironies for an anxious-avoidant trap). Then she melted down a couple weeks after that and initiated the first break up screaming at me telling me she hated me, threatened a restraining order, told me she never wanted to see or hear from me again. She blocked me but I found a way to maintain comms via Google Doc which she eventually blocked too. Finally got her to talk by sending an info request on her website 11 days later and her first tearful words were "I love you. I miss you. I'm so sorry." We had a joint session with my therapist and tried to establish a backdown protocol for when things got out of hand (April of 2024).

The backdown protocol didn't really work because neither of us followed it so things were bumpy off and on with dozens of mini-deactivations for the next year until the next break-up which was actually peaceful and I offered to step back, let her block me and said when she was ready to reach out, I'd be there. then i see that she's watching my stories through her own biz IG acct and so i message her and get no response even though she read it. I didn't realize that the day I sent the message was the one year anniversary of her sister's death... When she finally replied via WhatsApp, it was from a place of deep hurt and anger but she agreed to meet with my therapist and me again. the meeting was productive and we slowly re-engaged (which for us, slowly was 3-4 days...)

We saw each other a few weeks later and had a great weekend together (March of 2025).

We maintained more of a detached but overall stable co-existence and saw each other 2 more times in 2025 (May and June) and then at the end of July, we had another meeting with my therapist and tried to split amicably - which worked for about 11 days before I broke the silence on my birthday. We facetimed for a bit and she broke down sobbing uncontrollably and had to go. I was calm about it and we talked again for a few days and then she ghosted me and I melted the fuck down sending threats and awful messages for several days with no response. She messaged my therapist that we needed to meet and when we did, she just screamed at me for an entire hour while i cried so hard i couldn't breathe. then she blocked me. i reached out with a goodbye letter via google drive a few weeks later and got no response, then again a couple weeks after that, and then from fake numbers and finally after 65 days, I gave up and stopped trying.

during this time, she was periodically messaging my therapist and corresponding with a mutual friend, keeping tabs on me on twitter, and listening to my podcast.

i was an absolute mess almost the entire time because my assumption was that everything she said in the meeting was true and that she hated me, never wanted to see or hear from me again etc.

on christmas day, she told our mutual friend to tell me merry christmas which was the first olive branch 4 months later.

then on Jan 8, 2026, I decided to risk messaging on WhatsApp. As soon as I saw her profile pic pop up, I knew I was unblocked. So I told her I was going to be close to where she was more than likely going to be for work in a week and a half and that I'd love to meet up. She responded about an hour later telling me she was going to be somewhere else and I told her I could adjust my travel plans to meet her there.

she got upset pretty quickly but i gave her the space to process and the next day, she said she'd love to see me. so we ended spending most of the following weekend together and it was about as magical and intimate as you could imagine to the point where i even told her i wanted to get a divorce (irrespective of my involvement with her) and that id eventually want to marry her. she asked if i was asking her to leave her husband (in a way that was like her begging me to say yes) but i told her i couldn't do that and she said that she wouldn't leave him. regardless, for the next month and a half, things were better than ever and we even survived several potential fights.

then we got into one that ended up last 5-6 weeks off and on, including during an in-person visit.

at one point she accused me of being a narcissist whose whole plan was to control and manipulate her to get what i wanted.

eventually we calmed down enough to see each other one more time and we fought almost the whole time culminating with her agreeing with what some troll said about me online being the worst person in our profession and me threatening to jump off the same parking garage as her sister (which was 3 blocks away).

we had sex twice after that fight in the middle of the night and the next morning and had a calm convo over breakfast and as she took me to the airport. we didn't really conclude or resolve anything but when i got out of her car after she hugged me like she never wanted to let go, i said "i guess this is it" and walked away with tears in my eyes.

a couple days later, she spiraled and said she was done and i asked if we could have one more therapy session which she agreed to but said it wouldn't change her mind.

As i walked into the session and got my computer ready to get her on zoom, i asked my therapist if i should even include her based on her saying it wouldn't change anything and he said probably not. so i messaged her that i didn't want her to come and put my phone on DND and went into the session. she messaged me in disbelief and tried to facetime multiple times and then said that she was going to block me if i didn't respond in 5', which i obviously didnt (this was May 11, 2026).

this was upsetting but understandable and i was actually stable for the first 10 days or so. then i sent a letter via google doc apologizing and explaining why i didn't want her to come and asking for us to go no contact for the next couple weeks. She didn't respond but she was reading it every few hours for several days, so i tagged her and asked to talk and she immediately blocked me.

we were planning on meeting at a conference june 18-20 and i didn't have clarity on whether or not that was still happening so i kept trying various ways to reach out.

finally, 2 weeks before she sends a message through our mutual friend that she had a minor surgery that was more involved than anticipated and that she was cancelling the trip. i was predictably devastated but also skeptical given how many times she threatened to do that before. i tried reaching out a week later and then she sent another message through my friend confirming that she was in fact canceling because she was on antibiotics and her recovery was pretty rough. that was 20 days ago. i sent one final goodbye letter through a google acct she hadn't blocked and she blocked it soon after. i decided to go NC that day (19 days ago).

i went to the conference without her which was extremely hard, but i survived. i published a podcast shortly after that i'm 99% sure she listened to based on analytics data, but i'm not on twitter anymore and she blocked me on IG from all accts so she has no way to keep tabs on me. our friends wife doesn't want him texting women she doesn't know so that's out the window and she hasn't messaged my therapist.

i'm pretty determined to use NC to heal and work on myself but I'm still devastated from the breakup and would love to reconnect because I know we love each other deeply and have a deeper connection than with anyone else we've ever been with, including our spouses.

during each breakup, she told me after that she was monitoring me, checking on me, thinking about me constantly, missing me, never stopped loving me etc. but i still find myself spiraling about my worst fears being true and that she's not doing any of that this time.

And I know some of you are going to read this and be like "this is super fucked up" and while i don't disagree, those comments aren't constructive.

and yes i know that if there's any potential long-term future, we both need to leave our marriages.

what i really need is reassurance that reconnection is possible, and how to chart a path towards that reconnection given that i have zero comms with her in any way, shape or form. do i maintain NC? and for how long?

and maybe some reassurance that my worst fears aren't actually true and that she's still thinking about me, monitoring me (somehow?), misses me and loves me...

TIA

I was always the anxious person in the relationship with my ex and he was avoidant, but at the beginning it was opposite, idk how it changed from me becoming anxious, To a point i got nervous overdrive and it ended somehow thank god.

I found a good man who i actually liked and admired for a while but, the day we talked entirely, I realised how much I started liking him because he genuinely felt like the connection I needed, the balance my heart was aching for, but I just told him I was getting drained because he talks less, Now i cant understand if that was the case or Did i actually made it up, then he said he respects and understands me and thats what he repeated over and over again, I genuinely dont know why I would block him and tell him he was draining, even though I enjoyed our conversation :). We bothbonded over our little siblings and what not , whenever i’d say I wont talk over, we would have our funny moments going on, Me asking him to call me daddy even though I’m a female. I genuinely didnt miss my avoidant ex even after dating him for 1.5 years, but this guy that I hoped to see something with? I miss him so much, it genuinely aches, I want him to reach our to me like he always does in the name of a meme, or just some excuse.

why did i block him? I really want him in my life

Hey All FAs,

It’s common for FAs to end things when they become overwhelmed in a relationship due to things getting too close or moving fast.

If this happened to you and caused you to deactivate and end things, did you ever reach back out again once you had gone through the relief phase and calmed the I overwhelm down? Or was it just done for you?

Please excuse me if my thoughts are a bit messed up and me sharing some details in general. I may be anxiously attached to my avoidant.

I am 24m and she is 20f. We met in a students dorm and we have been together for 1,5 years, it was a good time. Our first relationships, first intimacy etc
Things I noticed
- she didn’t like to talk about herself that much
- no hobbies but wanted to work all the time
- couldn’t spend money on herself at all
- intimacy was kind of always initiated by me
- when she felt criticized mood went south quickly
- she screamed extremely loud when she felt criticized or generally if something was very stressful, when she was stressed she aggressively walked in her room back and forth
- her parents show not a lot of love and it looks like they only cared about her grades in school, not saying they are terrible but they felt emotionally not present
- was not able to cook for me due to being scared of being criticized by me or herself

Now, during a more stressful time due to work and studies she started to become anxious about stuff , she was not able to meet me for time and emotional reasons and then after some time she left me, we met one final time for a week, was really painful but also good, crying, sex, you name it. She said the main reason she needs to break up is because her head and mind is not right + we had a long distance relationship, she wanted to be sure about how the future looks like, problems wouldn’t exist if I was from her country and was able to speak it fluently (for some reason that was important she wanted me to have the skill to tell jokes in her language etc, i was learning it but yea)

She regretted the break up 1 week later, but for same said reasons it had to stay like that. She went to some sort of therapy, but she didn’t mention a specific reason and I only know it was like 10x max. We had good contact for 2 months, she even applied for a university in my country next to my hometown. Everything was looking like we could figure it out. Then 1 tiny thing upset her for no reason, chats went dry we were in no contact for 1 month. Now I broke it since I heard she contacted an old friend she swore not to text so I thought maybe she is afraid to text me. I was right. She will go to this university next to my hometown, but is not planning to get back into a relationship or anyone, „for now“. She doesn’t know where she will work in the future so she doesn’t want to commit to not have the same result as last time. She told me at times she felt like I pressured her emotionally and she wants to fully focus on her studies and career. We could meet up, but with no expectations whatsoever. She misses me, but her mental health is importantly.She said our priorities and ways of life are different as I am spontaneous, study and have a small business, but she likes it straight forward with study career etc since that’s easier to follow and plan. But she respects what I do.

Now, she will start her studies in 2 months. It was my first relationship for me and her, the thought of her getting together with someone else is extremely painful, especially if it’s just casual dating (she never did that and doesn’t seem to be that type but who knows)

I also am the kind of person who chooses someone and sticks with this person, I hate dating and I really wanted to live my life with her. Giving all the context, what do you guys think should I do?

Realistically, does this have a future or not? I am working on myself right now and I am also in contact with someone from BetterHelp since it’s a painful experience for me, but does anyone have some experience or thoughts they want to share? Thanks in advance :)