During deactivation, has anyone still genuinely felt that someone was extraordinary or deeply meaningful to them, while also feeling emotionally distant and withdrawing?
And if so, did you still feel guilt or sadness about the pain your distancing may have caused, even while needing space?
Hello !
In attachment theory, is it possible for a fearful-avoidant person to be in a deactivated state while still genuinely thinking and saying that someone is extraordinary, “the best person they’ve ever met,” or that the relationship felt like an obvious connection?
And is it possible for them to sincerely feel guilty about the pain caused by their distancing/withdrawal, even while continuing to pull away?
Hi everyone,
I’m looking for more balanced and hopeful perspectives, because most online stories tend to say “just leave and don’t look back,” which can make these attachment dynamics feel a bit hopeless or like people are doomed to repeat the same patterns.
I’m in a situation that seems quite similar to many I’ve read here: a very intense and loving relationship in the beginning, with strong emotional connection and talk about the future. But when things became more real and concrete, it triggered something in him and he pulled away.
Right now, he feels confused and lost and is trying to understand himself rather than fully disappearing or shutting down. He is still communicative, has apologized multiple times, and is actively trying to make sense of his emotional reactions.
I also see my part in the dynamic, especially around projecting too far into the future too quickly.
I know this is complex and not just “attachment style = inevitable outcome,” so I’m curious:
Have any of you experienced something similar where things actually improved over time? If so, what were the key ingredients that made it work (or not work) ?
I’m especially interested in grounded, honest experiences rather than just theory.
Thank you.
Hi everyone,
I’m going through a very painful breakup with someone I deeply love, and who still love me too, but who became emotionally overwhelmed and pulled away when the relationship started feeling more "real" and concrete.
We experienced the same pattern as most of you : We had a very loving, intense and meaningful relationship. A lot of emotional connection, affection, future plans, deep compatibility… But as things became more serious, he started feeling lost, emotionally overloaded, and eventually chose to run away instead of facing what he was feeling.
He himself says now that he doesn’t fully understand why he reacted this way. He talks a lot about fear, guilt, confusion, emotional shutdown, and feeling incapable of handling everything emotionally. He says he forgot "how love works" and that he panicked.
At the same time, I’ve also started realizing my own part in the dynamic. I think I projected too much into the future too quickly because I felt safe and in love. I was already imagining our long-term life together while he needed things to unfold more step by step. I can now understand how he may have felt pressured or emotionally flooded, even though that was never my intention.
Right now, we are not together. We’re both trying to take care of ourselves and understand our own patterns. We still care deeply about each other, which honestly makes everything harder.
I’m working on my fear of rejection and he’s trying to understand why he runs when emotions become too intense or when a relationship becomes deeply real.
I know nobody can predict the future.
And I know love alone is not enough.
But I wanted to ask something more nuanced than the usual "leave and never look back" advice, because this kind of narrative can sometimes make things feel a bit fatalistic, as if avoidant people are doomed to never be able to experience or sustain real love, which doesn’t necessarily reflect everyone’s reality.
So, have any of you experienced a breakup caused more by fear, emotional overwhelm, avoidance, attachment wounds, etc… and later managed to:
- genuinely work on yourselves,
- communicate better,
- heal individually, and eventually rebuild a healthier relationship together?
Not necessarily a perfect fairytale, just something more conscious and emotionally stable than before.
I feel like online, we mostly see stories where these relationships inevitably fail. I’d really appreciate hearing honest experiences from people who either made it work… or realized why it couldn’t.
Thank you 🌿
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My ex partner is very likely FA and I’m trying to understand if this relationship still has a chance or if I should let go.
For almost 10 months, our relationship was genuinely amazing. We were deeply in love, very affectionate, emotionally close, and constantly making plans for the future. He regularly called me the love of his life / soulmate and we were honestly very happy together.
What confuses me is how suddenly everything changed once the relationship became more concrete and serious.
Things shifted right after:
he went back to work after a period off,
we started seriously talking about moving in together,
and the relationship started feeling more “real” and committed.
Almost at the same time, he became emotionally close to a new coworker. To me, she seemed to become a sort of emotional escape/safe space once commitment started overwhelming him.
That’s when he suddenly became confused, fearful and emotionally inconsistent. He broke up with me saying he felt lost and unsure about everything.
But since then it’s been intense push/pull:
he came back saying he deeply loved me,
that I was still the person he truly wanted,
that he knew we had something rare and special,
then after seeing the coworker again, he spiraled back into doubt and confusion.
Now he says:
he knows he loves me,
he knows we could be happy together,
he’s terrified of losing me,
but he also says he feels lost, doesn’t know who he is anymore, and is scared of hurting me again.
It really feels like the relationship becoming serious triggered some kind of deactivation/panic in him, and the coworker became an escape route once intimacy and commitment became too real.
Does this sound familiar to other FAs? Can space/no contact sometimes help someone like this regulate and realize what they truly want? Or is this kind of push/pull usually too unstable to recover from?
I’d really appreciate honest perspectives from people familiar with FA dynamics