u/Realistic-State-4888

You've left a long trail of hurt, pain, and blame. You never experienced real love, just dopamine. When things got real, got scary, you ran. You abandoned. You used people for sex to feel better about yourself. You used people for dopamine because it was easy.

You think you know what love is but you don't, you've spent a lifetime on the outside looking in. It's not your fault because you always blamed the other person, because it was how you coped.

You can't accept you were your own worst enemy because admitting that means you have to acknowledge it was you who ruined your life and it's your fault you devastated everyone in your path. So what's left? You do as you always did. You lie to yourself and then you die alone. Even if you managed to hang on to someone you couldn't drive away, you still die alone.

This is the dynamic of a parasite and host. When the host has needs, the parasite doesn't help the host, it finds another host. It's not personal, you were never a person to them to begin with. That's my opinion.

I was with the same person for 26 years until she passed. For context, that means I'm old. The fa was able to briefly use me to get emotional intimacy while having a boyfriend at home and other hosts to feed from. From my perspective I was getting to know her. In the moment I didn't know of the hosts and the live in boyfriend.

She worked a second job where she had someone else. And a string of ex's for sex. Her manager/proxy/friend thought she was doing the fa a favor by being a bridge between the fa's intimacy hosts and the fa, but the proxy was also being misled and used.

I used an AI when she said no to giving me her number after the proxy said she thinks the fa has a boyfriend at home. Some might believe not giving out your number is a reflection on me but it doesn't really matter.

I only spent about 40 minutes with the fa so it wasn't an earth shattering event. But it was a valuable lesson. I'm not derogating fearful avoidants at all. They have a difficult life. I am also avoidant and it exists on a spectrum. No offense intended by my compressed use of host as a general descriptor of the fa behavior toward the unaware in a situationship, a term I was unaware of. The takeaway is be careful and vett people.

She is 63 years old fearful avoidant. Long story short, she wanted to see me only at her job where I met her.

The FA did eye gazing and let me touch her neck scar. Those were not familiar to me then but I understand now it was to create intimacy. I was married 26 years before my wife passed, so I know what real intimacy it. I just stayed away.

Why do you hide when you see your secure attachment ex in public? For example after leaving them because they had grief over loss of a family member.

Anyone ever have a joy freeze where your vision turns white, you are overwhelmed by happiness? ​