FA making making ex jealous after break up
31M (Secure?Anxious?) 29F(FA)
About 2 weeks ago i was discarded by my gf who I believe is an FA as she fits all the textbook attributes. However she is unaware.
This is a LDR and it started off very passionate and beautiful.
I never had a relationship with a FA, I didnt know the signs.
I guess the first flag was when i asked her what a strong relationship would look like. I said open communication, conflict resolution, while for her idea of a perfect relationship is no fighting at all. I couldn't comprehend that but I made nothing of it.
In the beginning there were signs of hot and cold, love and anxiety. She told me many times how much she loved feeling like she was able to truly and freely express herself. For the first time she felt a very genuine and deep connection like no other. She told me I showed her something she never knew she wanted, the depth of our emotional intimacy and emotional security. She has dated many people but doesnt sleep around. She has always told me all her relationships are less than 1 year, and the longest being 2 years. She claimed that no relationship has ever felt so special.
After 1 month of talking we were already talking about marriage, moving in together and starting a family. We became official shortly after that, and started planning when we would meet. I wanted to originally take things slow, but she wanted to come as soon as she could, the next day even. We finally met after 3 months of talking (1 month officially together) and spent a week together at my place. It felt perfect, it felt more than perfect. We melted into each other and surpassed all expectations. We were so in love. We tried have a child from our meetup. 2 weeks later, she ended up with miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) and it completely devastated her. It was her first pregnancy and its something she wanted more than anything (shes never consented to children before).
I was on vacation when this happened (she knew this before meeting me) and I was unable to go see her (she also didnt want me to after I had offered to leave my vacation to go be with her).
After this miscarriage she changed entirely. She was no longer sure about our relationship, a switch flipped. The previous version of her was still there, but there was what felt like another version of her constantly trying to pull away. I tried everything I could to compromise, to be patient, supportive and loving throughout this experience knowing that she is going through something traumatic, and is very hormonal.
I shouldered the grief, I turned my cheek when it came to my needs needing to be met. 4 months of this becoming a much more push-pull dynamic. Constant reassurance and intimacy lead to constant pulling away and avoidance. We were still romanticizing about trying for kids, she told me she didnt want to give up and that she still believes in us. But she kept cancelling trips to visit each other.
She has now discarded me as of 2 weeks ago. Which is messing with my mental, because a week before that, we were intimate. We were still saying I love yous, we were still sleeping on call at night. She was sharing songs about how she felt about our relationship.
When she ended things I asked her if there was anything I had done, if I was a bad partner etc, but she had no answer. There was nothing she could say to make me seem like a bad person or mistreating her.
She also left me with a sweet message telling me how she wanted to name our baby my middle name if she didnt miscarry. She told me she wanted this baby to be just like me, because of my values, my morals, and my 'tender heart'. Telling me that if more men like me existed it would make her feel more comfort in the world. When i would ask why we cant keep trying, she would simply just say 'Im tired'.
She drunk texted me 2 days after the break up to see if I was doing ok. I told her I was even though I wasnt., and then she called me 2 days after that 'to hear my voice one last time'.
After that last call she rebounded IMMEDIATELY. Like the NEXT DAY. She started flaunting and parading this new partnership (i dont believe its romantic yet) since then.
I confronted her about how it looks like to me (1 day after), that it looked like a rebound, and how it made me feel when I see it. You would think if she cared how I would feel she would atleast tone it down? No, it became even more obnoxious.
I began NC after i confronted her about the rebound. But she is continuing to obnoxiously show her new partnership.
I feel like she is trying to make me jealous to break NC. I want her back, I miss her. I view her as someone who is incapable of processing things securely or regularly. My anxiety is now gone through the roof as I am trying to heal and process the grief of the baby, our future family, our dream, and even my identity.
Not only is she flaunting her relationship visibly online, she also post screenshot of chats with her new partner in a discord server where this new person isnt even in, but I am.
Like why?
Is she trying to get a rise out of me? Or is it really just to soothe her pain of guilt for ending things?
Her reason as to why she had to end things is because she cannot overcome the hurt that is associated in our relationship.
I feel like she walked away from our family and our dream, that we've been romanticizing since the beginning, and continued to after the miscarriage. But now she says 'she doesnt want to try anymore'. I cant wrap my head around how everything went from being so perfect, to chaos and distance so quick. She told me she normally could do clean breaks so easily, but in our last calls she told me this time shes having so much trouble to do so.
It has now been 1 week of NC and I continue to see her parading around. It feels like such bullshit, everything shes said ,. She told me she never wanted to lose me and yet she was the one to walk away.
I dont believe she wants another LDR (with this new partner), she didnt want one to begin with (she hates LDR), but I was the exception. I am constantly wondering how easy it is to replace me, if its already started to become romantic to numb the feeling of leaving me.
Im seeking therapy this week, as I have been disassociating a lot when I work, when I play sports. I have not been well. I want to let go, but its so difficult to accept. However the resentment building with the jealousy is definitely helping.
I want to break NC just to give her a piece of my mind as I feel so powerless, helpless, hopeless and confused. But maybe burning the bridge and outing her with her new partner being present, would at least give me some peace that I was able to leave with a little bit of what I was able to control, being the justice in my feelings and possibly burning their relationship too. I know thats petty, but this has become very toxic., and I have almost no patience left.