Anyone else have any experience being with a partner that isn’t their “preferred” gender to usually be with intimately? How has it went positives and negatives? Long term is it a healthy thing to pursue? Asking because it for me is one of the roots of issues in my current situation and relationship.
It’s so hard to break up when you still(at least think you do) love the person and they still love(in their own way) you. I’ve been told a lot to listen to my gut feeling though and it’s saying that we should end things. I know my gut is sometimes avoidant but I cannot shake this feeling this time around.
Loooooonng story time that I’ll try to make short:
My ex-girlfriend and I live together now after dating right around 2 years. A little longer. We moved in after only like 8ish months which involved me moving states to be with her. We started out in a weird way because her current boyfriend at the time tried to leave her for me, only for him to take it all back, her find out and then her and I became friends and started talking. We talked about a throuple and even attempted one with her current boyfriend who I just spoke of. Welllll that didn’t work, he left, and her and I pursued each other.
For myself I’ve always dated men. I am a trans woman and know I suffer from seeking validation from straight men as validation from my gender. So I go back and forth on whether or not that’s just my attraction or if I’m toxically chasing validation, or both? Lately my therapist tells me a lot “two things can be true” which doesn’t compute well in my brain but it’s starting to. During our time long distance I cheated on my girlfriend with an ex boyfriend. We also had other instances where she would break up with me and then I’d do toxic behaviors after such as sleep with an ex or talk to someone new, and then we’d get back together. We did this for months and then finally moved together hoping it would solve things. The meantime, I’ve felt the whole time maybe this just isn’t the right relationship for me because of her being a woman and not a man. But I truly have come to love her and we do have physical intimacy so it’s not like I’m not into her in THAT way. But not as much as I think I should be idk.
during the almost two years now living together we are basically still stuck in the cycle. I do have FA attachment issues and tend to push people away when they are too close but I also know it gets worse when in an incompatible relationship. I still will go back to toxic behaviors with men such as sexting or posting for attention during breakups and that causes her to feel unloved and then we get back together with the cycle again. And then I’ll grovel and prove I can be better and then doubt the relationship in some form, she’ll push for a breakup and then I do it all over again.
It seems the only time we truly can understand the other person or admit our faults is when we are on the way out too. I’ve planned a return back to my home state a few times now with a job and apartment worked out and called it off to stay and try and take accountability(something I apparently have zero understanding of) and work on the relationship and ourselves. In the long run, we end up just abusing each other again with mean names or actions or yelling or cursing. We cannot respect each other boundaries and her anxious attachment partnered with my fearful avoidant just feels like a lot to overcome while i also try to process my own trauma and growth(another story but i come from am extremely mentally and physically abusive background).
Is it time to walk away or am making a lifelong regretful mistake leaving behind someome who tries so hard to love me for the person she knows i can be if i dont give into my bad sides? Or is it okay to walk away from someome who offers things like that because other basic needs are not being met?
Advice appreciated