r/CPTSD

None of it was your fault.

None of it is your fault.

Absolutely none of it.

Real talk: Do you have supportive people in your life? Friends? Partners? Family Members? Fur babies? How do you manage with companionship?

I hate this about Reddit. I’m 26 and have temporary physical health issues that make me unable to do a lot of stuff including working, driving, or going to school. As a result I’m living with my abusive mother unless she goes through will kicking me out. My plan is to go back to work and school once I’m better and move into university housing. I posted on here looking for advice about a current situation with my mother that involves my meds. Ive had people invalidate me because I’m not financially independent, assume I am exaggerating my physical health issues, and that my mother is correct about my mental health. What the actual fuck is wrong with these people?

I do
Cause Animals never hurt me like people did

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Does anyone else get mistaken for being in the military often? Idk if it’s a cptsd thing or maybe just my demeanor but I get mistaken for being in the military a lot by people both in and out of it.

ETA: it makes me uncomfortable bc i feel like im giving stolen valor or something but im always very quick to clarify that im not

I had a minor interaction with a coworker today. They didn't say anything mean. They just gave me a look—a slightly impatient look—because I was taking too long to find a file.

And that was it.

I spent the next four hours in a dissociative fog, fighting back tears in the bathroom stall. My entire body told me I was in danger. I felt like I was five years old again, standing in front of my parents, being told I was "too much" and "too sensitive" for simply existing.

Logically, I know that look meant nothing. But my nervous system doesn't know logic. It only knows that I am fundamentally wrong. That I am a burden.

The worst part is that I smiled. I laughed with them. I made a joke about my "messy desk" so they wouldn't see the terror in my eyes. I spent the whole day performing "normal" just so no one would ask if I was okay. Because if they asked, I would fall apart. And I cannot fall apart again.

I feel like I am walking around with a gaping wound inside my chest, pretending it isn't bleeding all over the floor. I am so profoundly tired of trying to be human when being human feels like a manual I never received.

I have this core belief that I cannot be loved. Not the real me. If I take off this mask, people will run. And honestly? I don't blame them. I don't even want to be around me right now.

Sometimes I wonder if this feeling will ever end. Or if I am just supposed to spend the rest of my life managing this pain, waiting for the next trigger to knock me down.

Does anyone else feel like their entire existence is just a performance to hide the fact that you are breaking? How do you keep going when your own mind feels like an unsafe place to be?

Most of my time is just spent sitting around waiting for my nervous system to regulate itself. Its like all the feelings I've built up throughout the day decide to come out once I'm home and in a safe place and then I just have to let those emotions flow through me until they're done and I'm exhausted. I've gotten better about it but the time I could be spending doing things I enjoy has to be taken up by getting back to baseline.

I dont even know the solution to this problem because I know I need to process everything but I'm so burnt out and I feel frustrated trying to keep up. I wish I could just be done with it all and enjoy my life but I know I have to address everything before I can be ok, I just wish it wasn't that way. Do you ever reach the end or does it just keep going?

I've been subjected to awful things by my "family," and I worked hard to secure my grand escape plan. I got a fullride scholarship and a spot in a top 50 university so I have security to cut them off next year, for good.

July 29th is my escape date. It's getting closer and closer.

I'm so excited to be free from them, but I'm also scared to move across country (1000 miles away). I just don't know how the real world works and it's not that I can't handle myself, I can-- I've been doing everything alone since I was a kid-- but I mean like, idk. Like there's MORE stuff I have to do alone and teach myself because my "family" failed.

I'm also kinda upset, like I won the fucking lottery you guys. Bill Gates Scholarship at a top 50 university and I'm moving alone. They're not even happy that I'm going up there. You know, they tried to make me unable to enroll in the first place? Refused to pay the 500 dollar deposit EVEN THOUGH EVERYTHING ELSE WOULD BE FREE and insisted on "talking to your therapist before I'll pay" and my father even told me to stop trying to go to the top 50, just stay in state. When I said no and paid it anyways they told me I was selfish, rude, and a know it all. That I don't give a fuck about any of them. That's not how it's supposed to go....but it aligns with the previous events. I just wanted them to prove me wrong for ONCE in my life.

I think about cutting them off next year a lot and the sacrifice it is. My dad has 14k in savings for my car + I'd get 2.8k a year if I stayed on their health insurance (which would require me being on good terms w them) and I just...I logically want the money. But emotionally it's not worth it. It's fucking w my mind bc they do this thing of "ugh just deal with the abuse. Here's 20 dollars to shut up and say nothing" (deadass) frequently. So my brain subconsciously wants to continue doing that-- especially since it's such a big amount of money that could really help with my car.

Here's what I've settled on: asking my dad for the 14k when he's in a good mood and giving the half truth of "well Gates is paying for my apartment next year so I need transportation and you won't be up there to buy it yourself so I'd like to hold onto it and experiment." If he says no, which he most likely is, I'm not gonna sweat about it.

I'm serious about working up there to make up the loss of money by cutting them off Jan 2027. The 2.8k can be made in 8 weeks, assuming I get 12 an hr and work 30 hour weeks. Anything above or below is adjusted but the point is: making the money isn't hard-- it's just an inconvenient thing they force me into.

This decision really hurts. Cutting them off. 4th of July, my last holiday with them, is over. I've gotten every recipe I've wanted from them. They have nothing else they can offer me. It's sad I won't ever see my dad cooking steaks anymore, it'll be me over a small apartment grill instead of the country porch.

I'm only 18 btw. I keep thinking that this is a lot for an 18 yr old to go through and decide. After Jan 2027, I'm only in contact with 1 family member, my middle sister, because she's the only reasonable one.

These last few weeks are a weird limbo. I WANT to be productive and journal, make art, exercise, etc, but I can't. This house is evil. It's just an awful beacon of neagtive effects. I think daily about how I hate it here and just want to leave.

And I heard that when you DO leave, you're not even out the woods yet. Your body might like have mental breakdowns or whatever to like...make up for all the masking and survival mode you've been in. Atleast I have 20 days in an Airbnb before uni starts to kinda rehydrate myself and get in the right headspace for this vital period of my life.

Thoughts, advice, support very appreciated. I'm still in so much turmoil and anything helps.

I used to go out all of the time but now it's a struggle to leave the house. I can't tell if it's because of my cptsd or just getting older. Anyone else?

Lately my desire for a relationship has just increased and increased. I’m bothered by this intense craving because it’s followed by overthinking and daydreaming about possible partners. My thoughts have been circling around this topic so much lately. This longing for love often goes along with feeling inadequate and just extremely lonely. 

It bothers me a lot that I seem to be so depended on a relationship to get these needs met. I had an isolated childhood and through much effort managed to make nice friends. Still it never seems to be enough and I feel desperately lonely. I’m not sure why friendships only feel like a light version of the feeling I’m craving. It might be the need for a deep bond and physical comfort that’s missing in them…

Any words of wisdom for me?

20F

From ages 10-13 I was a victim of sexual abuse from a family member. It made me extemely uncomfortable with my body and lead to me being a late bloomer with a lot normal experimenting.

I have an amazing boyfriend of 5 years, but every time we're intimate its extremely uncomfortable. Its not that hes doing anything wrong, or that I don't want what is happening. Hes gentle and understanding, but theres something in me that just makes it impossible to fully relax and be in the experience. My body physically won't let go, but I genuinely want to enjoy these experiences.

Weed was the only way I could get myself to physically relax and enjoy what was happening, but due to personal reasons I have stopped. Has anyone had anything similar or any tips?

I’m wondering if other people get these - where your mind keeps bringing up the bad things that happened to you in the past, bad things that were said to you etc, and it just puts you in a garbage mood lol. Sometimes I’ll wake up in one of those “rumination” phases, and it almost ruins the entire day. I was on antidepressants which stopped these, but since I’ve stopped taking them, they’ve been happening again. I would really rather not be on antidepressants. 

For me, I find that exercise can help. Being around other people can also help to take my mind off it. Deep breathing is good too, as well as journalling. Despite doing these things, it still happens. I’d like to hear from others if they get them, and even more so - what helps them when it happens.

I am starting my journey and holy cow i would never say to someone to "heal" Nobody can prepare for it

People lie, healing is outcome, process is hell, how many horror stories happend this way?

Most of us are already alone, and handle it well.
I have been living alone for 6 years, and I love it. It would be even greater to have a pet, but since I work long hours I don’t have the means to take care of one perfectly right now, so I don’t have one.
People, well, often even therapist just throw at me the advice (without ever asked) “You should learn to be alone. Try a few years with no partner, no friends, no roommates, and no kids. Preferably no kids ever.”

I find this kind of attitude damaging. I know how to be alone, I love living alone. I would be fine living alone until the end of my days. Still, I would love to have friends, I prefer to have a partner (though if my current relationship were to end I don’t see myself dating again because we get on so well, I can’t imagine being this close to an other person again), I prefer to have friends, even if I only see them rarely, and I would love to have children if I could (trauma likely made me infertile, but still hoping).
“Just be isolated until you heal completely” is probably the worst advice I have ever heard on healing from a professional. Noone has ever healed in isolation. Not to mention healing is a slow, million-step process that we do as long as we are alive. There is no such moment of “being perfectly healed” as long as one is alive.

I’m trying something new: saying my shame triggers out loud instead of hiding them and letting go of some of the shame.

If you want to, add yours to this post too.

Maybe we can bring some of them out of hiding together.

I feel ashamed that:

• I’m 39 and still don’t know what I want to do with my life.

• I wake up with no plans, no direction and nowhere to be.

• I can spend an entire day doing very little.

• I struggle to start things, even things I genuinely want to do.

• I watch my phone ring and can’t make myself answer it.

• I feel behind everyone else in life.

• I want to be held and told that everything is going to be okay.

• I’m grieving a childhood I spent most of my life believing was fine.

My ex shared with me he was really into girls with anger issues and that it turned him on. And he told me when he saw me arguing with my mom that it did something for him. Literally me just getting really angry turned him on. He seemed to be okay and down to be with me until our very first argument in which i lashed out and said something really mean. I did apologize cause i felt bad but he said he didn’t want to date me cause he saw what i was capable of. I don’t understand why guys date “broken girls” if they can’t handle them or at least help them? It’s just so weird cause i didn’t even want to be in a relationship with him and i tried communicating that countless times to just take it slow and let’s be friends but nah he pushed me and then i felt uncomfortable. Idk, i still struggle a lot with my mental health and being mean, and i tried to communicate that with guys and yet they all turn into a fetish immediately and say something along the lines of “that sounds so hot” but when we have our first argument they are shocked and they say it’s too much. Tbh, it’s just weird and annoying at this point, and a red flag. I’m done dating cause it seems they just see me as a fetish instead of a person. I have no idea how “broken” people could ever date and be loved. I seriously feel no one is ever going to love me and that i don’t deserve love cause i am who i am and idk how to change or if its even possible just feel mentally too tied to my beliefs.

"And what about your career path?"

" Well, I've spent fifteen years fighting suicidal ideations and self-destructive behaviors due to my upbringing. I don't trust people, I'm always hypervigilant, i'm EXHAUSTED after social interactions and I'm unable to support an abusive boss or unhealthy coworkers on a daily basis. I don't know how to promote myself and my goal in life is basically to HEAL from the nightmare that is cPTSD.
I'm currently recovering from relational, professional and existential burn out."

This is what I think but can't tell people.

Instead I'm forced to mask and pretend that my life hasn't been about survival all along.

Just mentioning professional burn out, even if very legitimate, triggers shame and feelings of inadequacy.

I wish people wouldn't define themselves by their career path.

33 F.

Even after years, spending time talking to people in social settings, I feel incredibly awful afterwards. I like to genuinely chat and listen back to them, but am left feeling ashamed, embarrassed and with the unshakable feeling that I should just fall off the face of the earth.

Even talking to and making connections with people of same interests doesn’t help either.

I just shouldn’t be here, I have no place here, that it’d be better if I just vanished.

Sounds horrible to say, but I wish someone would make me a missing person.

Just wondering if anyone else feels like this.

Because I now convinced something is fundamentally wrong with me. I should just stay away from everyone. I wish nobody knew me.

Something I have noticed with people who behave abusively, especially in group dynamics, is that when they feel exposed, there is often a split second where the mask slips.

It can be a flash of panic, discomfort, a hard glare, or a moment where you can tell they know you have seen through them. Then almost immediately, the performance returns.

They may smirk, act calm, pretend you are invisible, look amused, or speak in a controlled voice. Suddenly they become the “reasonable” one, especially if other people are watching.

Sometimes the fake smile they give to the person they are talking to looks almost stretched, like a performance. You can tell they are still listening to you while pretending to be deep in conversation with someone else.

I think this serves a few purposes. It lets them spin your reaction as instability. It helps them save face. And it turns the interaction into social theatre, where the truth matters less than who looks calm, who has social backing, and who controls the narrative.

When you have lived through scapegoating, bullying, group rejection or emotional abuse, you become extremely observant. You notice micro-expressions, tone shifts and the split second before someone puts the mask back on.
But because they perform so well in front of others, you can end up feeling like you are the only person who saw it.

The smirk is not always confidence. Sometimes it is a mask. The calmness is not always innocence. Sometimes it is strategy. And the target’s reaction is not always “instability.” Sometimes it is the visible result of being pushed too far for too long.