u/iatemygrandmah

I believe I was sexually abused by my sister. When we were little, my mother would leave us to work for about three or four hours. During those times, my sister would make me sit on her lap, touch me, and tell me overly sexual stories about us or any individual. We were both very young at the time i was about 6-8 years and she was 13, but I didn't realize what she was doing was wrong; I thought it was out of love. She would kiss me on the mouth, using her tongue until I could choke, then suck on my lips and tongue and hold me down on the bed. Since my body was much smaller than hers, she would crush me beneath her saying the weight and suffocation would feel good, she would rub her genitals against mine ,sometimes through my clothes, and sometimes she would show me her body which i clearly didn't want to and was the only thing i knew i shouldnt be seeing but she forced me. She would put her hand inside my clothes and touch me, and she would grab my buttocks while explaining what was happening in the story, making sounds to keep me engaged. I obeyed my sister blindly out of the strange feeling i felt and again i thought that she loved me and that what live is. This went on for about two years of horrific and indecent things. At the end of the second year, I started to understand what had happened to me, but I never told anyone because I knew everyone loved her and no one would believe me. So I started begging My mother insisted I go with her to work, and my sister initially offered small gestures, but eventually stopped. Now I don't feel comfortable around her; I feel suffocated,i hate her, and i don't,but i definitely dont want her near me i immediately feel like throwing up. She hasn't apologized and acts as if nothing happened. Now my family blames me for not allowing her to hug or kiss me for long periods, saying I'm harsh. Everyone seems to dislike me, and I don't know what to do. I hate seeing her loved by everyone around her, with everyone defending her and saying she's kind, when I know she doesn't deserve it. She also says she loves children, but I'm afraid to leave any child from the daycare where we work with her for fear of their safety. I don't know what to do, please help, plus our family is strict and we don't leave the house unless necessary, and i can't ask for help and the don't believe in therapists and i can't move away from the house ... Oh god.