Looking for some honest thoughts and feedback here, not just validation, for the record!
OK, so to keep it short: I [35F] cannot have an orgasm with a partner. I'm 99% certain it's trauma-related, I've been working on it for a long time, nothing has changed and I feel very little confidence that anything ever will change. I can do so on my own, but only under very specific circumstances that do not allow for the inclusion of another person in or anywhere near me during the act. As it is, sex is not super enjoyable for me - it's a lot of buildup that peters out without a climax, and then I'm too overly sensitive to get myself off for 1-2 more days after the fact. Additionally, I'm not completely incompetent as a top, so usually it evolves into a lopsided dynamic where the other person is getting off but I'm not, and this does not always make me feel so good about myself either! Basically, this issue has for me turned sex from a meal you cook and share together to a meal that I cook and the other person eats while I watch them.
This, obviously, makes dating complicated for me. Lesbians are really proud of our orgasm rates and in any discussion of the orgasm gap between opposite-sex couples, the fact that between lesbian couples, both parties orgasm typically orgasm during sex gets trotted out as evidence of our general superiority, which has always made me feel a type of way. I really struggle with explaining to new partners that no matter what they do, it is extremely unlikely that they will be able to change my body, and I've noticed that every woman I've been with have gotten their feelings hurt by this information, no matter how it's delivered and in what tone or context. And I get it! It sucks to know that no matter what you do, you're not going to get the kind of satisfaction you have with other partners from giving them earth-shattering orgasms! But at this point, after yet another instance of being treated like a disappointment, I'm starting to wonder if this is a serious dealbreaker for more women than I have previously imagined.
Does it even make sense continuing to try to date under my condition? Like, if you met someone and hit it off with her, but then learned that she would never feel satisfied by your partnered sex life because she's not really getting anything out of it beyond the enjoyment of seeing you have a good time, would that constitute an impossible issue to resolve?
I just don't know if it makes sense to even try anymore. I genuinely wish I were asexual and just never felt sexual desire or attraction at all - it would make things so much easier - but I do, and I'm just so lonely and crave romantic and emotional intimacy with another person all the time! I just... can't really get very much out of the physical component, and that makes me feel horrible about myself. So honest feedback here: am I right in thinking that this is probably an irreconcilable issue for most potential partners? Is celibacy probably the correct path forward?