r/ActualLesbiansOver25

I pretty much use apps but when I 1st started using them I was afraid to initiate conversations. Now I have no issues doing it. I find I initiate maybe 50/60% of the time. However I find when I initiate, the conversations don’t last long or go anywhere beyond the app. Everyone I’ve dated with the exception of 1 person they messaged me first. So maybe I just need to let people message me 1st lol. Anyways if you do find yourself mainly initiating, how successful are you? Do you get dates or do most of the conversations fizzle out? If you don’t initiate, what’s the reason?

I’m frustrated with the shows I have seen that are *supposed* to have lesbian representation. They all feel like either porn or a political statement like, “hey look, we have lesbians!” It’s so annoying!!

Reading another post about Orange is the New Black reminded me of this. I know all shows are overdramatized, that’s what TV is, but where are the regular lesbian couples in every-day situations?? Like, I want a show like Friends, Big Bang Theory, or New Girl, but with lead characters that are gay. Not just for the “Ooo look at us we have a gay,” but for the actual purpose of normalizing representation.

My wife just started a new job and she’s having trouble adjusting. She’s been jn a work from home job for 5 years and she just started a new in person job with long hours(4 10 hour shifts). She was telling me today she’s overwhelmed and feeling tired already. I was thinking i could start getting up with her and making her breakfast and pack her lunch. I already am trying to tackle dinner on every work night so it’s ready when she comes home.

Is there anything else I’m not thinking of that might lighten the load? Is there anything your spouse does for you or vice versa that really makes a difference? I work from home and have a very flexible schedule so I have the capacity to take more on.

This coming Wednesday my wife and I (both 27F) have been invited to a girls night out with our cousins who are visiting from the south. They are very religious and apparently also MAGA. I have hung out with them in the past and things have gone fine but my mom just called to inform me that my dad went out to lunch with them today and apparently they spent the whole time talking about Charlie Kirk and how great of a guy he was and Trump being a great president. She told me this to suggest that I avoid bringing up politics and if they do to change the conversation.

After getting off the phone I just can’t help but think “fuck that”. Why should I have to keep my mouth shut while they spew a bunch of bullshit for the sake of keeping the peace? I have always been told to keep politics to myself but my very existence and marriage is political and they support the side that is blatantly against it.

I just find it so frustrating because most of my immediate family is pretty left/liberal but they are at the same time completely apologetic for the Trumpers in my family. They always talk about “family before everything” but I personally don’t want to be family with people that have such vile views. My wife is also Hispanic and I am white so there are layers to this besides just being gay.

Those that are in similar circumstances, how do you deal with it? What would you do?

I’m 27F, and this is an last n final update to the situationship breakup I posted before. I think I’m finally coming down from the emotional crash. After six months of talking, she reached out saying she made sure to wake up early just to catch me because she wanted us to hang out. We finally did one of the activities we’d talked about since we met—we went to an escape room, had a great time, and even won. On the drive home, I jokingly asked, “So what was today for? Were you trying to savor something?” She immediately became irritated and defensive. When she asked if I meant “savoring the connection,” I admitted that I really liked what we had. From that moment everything spiraled. I was accused of having an attitude, yelled at, insulted, and told that because I spend so much time in bed, I’d end up begging people to love me and no one ever would. The irony is that she was the one who reached out to spend time with me. She begged me in the past not to block her because she thought blocking was childish, yet she ended up blocking me anyway. Now that I’ve finally blocked her to protect my own peace, she’s calling me from No Caller ID and different numbers just to call me a bitch and threaten to fight me. I genuinely don’t understand what kind of person says they care about you one minute and then goes out of their way to intimidate and degrade you the next.

What hurts the most is that this is the second woman this year I’ve cared deeply about who has repeated the same cycle. Every time I tried to walk away after being disrespected, they fought to keep me around, acted loving for a while, and then the insults, disrespect, and emotional volatility returned. This woman spent three days straight with her friends, called me every night saying she missed me, and then the one day we finally spent together ended with me being degraded over a harmless comment. During one of the hardest periods of my life, when a medical complication left me unable to walk, sit up, or even sleep on my side for months, these were the same people who showed me kindness. It’s painful to accept that they’re also the same people who eventually made me question my worth. I never asked for perfection. I even told both of them that if they found someone else or wanted something different, I’d rather they just be honest than stay and slowly tear me down. Instead, I was met with broken promises, disrespect, and now harassment simply because I chose to walk away. I’m heartbroken that months of fighting to keep these connections alive ended with us becoming strangers, but I’m trying not to let these experiences convince me that this is what love is supposed to look like. I still want to believe that one day I’ll find people who communicate instead of insult, respect boundaries instead of punishing them, and fight for the relationship with kindness instead of trying to win through fear, manipulation, or disrespect.
Really need the older lesbian to shine some wisdom on me cuz I feel like doormat.

I’m almost 30 and I’m sitting in bed, listening to the song that was playing when she first kissed me, thinking about how much I want to propose but I know we’re just not physically independent enough to get married yet.

I’m looking to travel for my (November) birthday from the PNW area of the US and am wondering where you’ve travelled solo that you’d recommend.

Not looking for as much nightlife or super strenuous hiking type vibes as a beautiful place to explore and relax in.

Previous trips include Cuba, Tulum, Puerto Vallarta & Mexico City, Iceland, London, Ireland, Scotland, Puerto Rico & Vancouver BC.

50+ white, visibly queer, tattooed & hard lefty politically, sadly only speak English so sticking to tourist areas in non-english speaking countries is a must.

Alternately, if you live somewhere amazing and want to make a new friend, maybe I’ll come meet up for day trips/hanging out! Definitely not looking for a place to stay or a romantic connection, just up for meeting new cool folks.

TYIA ✨

It feels like it's hard to find someone these days 😔. I really hate this lonely feeling. Does anyone feel this?

I (32F) am dating someone new and I really like her. We met just 5 times but everything feels so nice and easy with her and I honestly can't remember the last time a crush felt like this. I don't see any downside or potential red flag or things that make me second guess (if i had to point out one thing maybe sex could be better but i think it's because there is still bit of shyness and need to discover each other better because i can already tell that our likes are aligned and non sexual intimacy is great. we probably just need to talk about what we like explicitly instead of trying to guess). We have a very similar lifestyle, connections in common, I never get anxious over texting because I feel oddly secure and safe and everything is super smooth.

Every other past dating experience I had I could always spot something that I wasn't sure about. My mindset was always "this is nice, let's see how it goes" (but always knowing it will not last) and now it's "i want this to work out, i can see a future together" and I am in equal part happy and terrified of being hurt.

I know dating is kinda of a trial period where you see if you are compatible. I know I haven't seen much of this person yet and that she hasn't seen much of me, that we only have met the part of each other that is easy to like. I know that I have a romanticized idea but i still can't help this feeling.

I guess my question is: how do you enjoy something that feels really promising without getting carried away? If you've had a relationship that started like this, what helped you stay grounded while still letting yourself be excited?

I (27F) was in a 6-month situationship with a 26F who treated me like a partner in many ways. She cared for me while I was recovering from a serious medical issue, introduced me to her family, talked about us like “two moms,” legit playing house, her mom wanted mt number and told me she had feelings for me on mutiple ocassions, was always pushing for I like you, I love you, daytime hang outs, public dates, pda,gift giving ,etc. I never intended to go anything farther then hook up buddies but she kept pushing for more and now we made it to this point we’re my feelings have grown more then I could imagine. But whenever I asked what we were, she gave conflicting answers, saying she wanted a relationship, a situationship, and friendship all at once. She also admitted her plan was to sleep with me until she found someone else, which left me feeling hurt, confused, and emotionally used. Even after seeing me cry, apologizing, and saying she loved me, she later admitted she didn’t mean it. Since then, we’ve taken some space, but she continues reaching out, mainly to hook up, while I’ve realized the emotional trust is gone. I grow super emotional after sleeping together and crying to her that fact it will never be that?

How do I deal with a situationship breakup when I know walking away is the right choice, but I’m still grieving the person I thought she was? I don’t think I can go back to being casual because the emotional connection is too strong, and the mixed signals have left me exhausted. What’s the healthiest way to let go, heal from this, and move on when the other person doesn’t seem willing to let the connection end?

I'm 27, from around the Ottawa area in Canada, and I genuinely don't know where and how to meet people. Like I've never had a girlfriend.

I've tried dating apps a few times, and every single time they absolutely destroyed my mental health. So now some of my friends are like, "Get off the apps!" while others are like, "Put yourself out there!". Okay but I genuinely don't know where to start truthfully.

Like I work in event management and at a farmers' market, so I meet a lot of people, but it's vendors, customers, families, and coworkers so not exactly people I'm looking to date.

I also don't really drink, bars and clubs have never been my thing, and most of my hobbies are pretty independent. I like photography, bugs (yes, I'm absolutely the weird bugs girl lol), art, gaming, etc.

I also don't have a huge friend group. One of my friends is trying so hard to help me, bless her heart lol, but aside from that, I don't really have this big social circle. So when people say, "You'll meet someone through friends!" I'm just here like okay I need people for that??

The part I struggle with the most is that I'm 27 and I've never been in a relationship. Maybe it's just my own insecurity, but sometimes it feels like people hear "I've never had a girlfriend" and assume there's something wrong with me before they've even gotten to know me. Whether that's actually true or not, it's hard not to feel that way sometimes and it honestly sucks.

I'm actually happy with my life too, I like my job, I love my hobbies, and I don't feel like I need someone to be happy but I just really want the chance to experience that kind of love someday you know?

So for those of you who met your partner without dating apps, how? Please teach me your ways lol.

I have a requirement that my partners shave their bikini region before oral sex.

I don't really know how to bring this up with a new partner. It's already affected our sex life that I haven't said anything since I'm used to a lot of oral sex but I have this requirement attached. I feel ashamed like a misogynist man for having this requirement. Is this an appropriate thing to bring up with a partner?

Hello, I am a 25 year old soft masc - ill be 26 in November. Ive had a situation going on since may and it just seems to get worse and worse. I wont go into too many details unless its deemed they are needed.

So back in my love of 8 years (25) ended things abruptly- even better she ended it before I had to go to work 🙂.

It was very tense but I guess things didnt work out and we were enjoying life mid june. It was nearly nostalgic. Well the last week of june she calls me before I gotta go to work 🙃 shes crying saying shes pregnant. From what i "know" it was an accident and the father left her because he didn't actually like her.

Here's where we jump into if im naive or not. Thats my love, I have the automatic urge to take care of her. Even if it hurts in a way. She says the father is only back because of the baby, which drives me mad because you need to also cherish the woman carrying your child.

(I grew up with traditional men, but also grew up in a house hold- it didnt matter someone's intentions or how many times they use you, you show kindess and love)

This man hasn't really been involved, ive been there more for her than he has. I wont even let her exert herself because I believe she deserve the most rest and pampering. My problem is I know she doesnt want me, and im still involved with her family and her. And im putting all this effort in to take care of her. I just dont believe in leaving her all alone even though she ultimately betrayed me. No apologies, no thank yous. In my good conscious I still cant walk away. Am I stupid? I know i have everything I need to run, but I cant. I know shes going to fully cut me off and I know itll wreck me. I dont know, I told her dad if I had to id step up and co-parent. I keep getting called brave, honorable , and a great character. I guess this is more of a rant. I love being there for her, shes my love, we grew together through a lot of hard things. She doesnt know it. But I have family in texas getting a room ready for me because I was so bad when she broke things off, I can sense how bad ill be when she fully leaves. I am happy for her it just destroys me she just threw it all away like that.

I know, ive answered my own question. I should cut and run. It's just against what I feel. I just dont understand after all ive put into the relationship. This was supposed to be our year, we were going to move and take vacations. And now I'm not workong for 2 anymore. Just myself and I don't like that. I just want to see the best for her. She deserves it, even if im not in it.

Hello any girls in Toronto to hang out and be friends with? I need friends to show me the best spots to hang out around and all the events

I (33 F) developed a really quick friendship with someone (28 F) last year and she identifies as straight. She is also very vocal about her Christian faith. I have already told her I’m lesbian and she did not have an issue with us being friends. We would hang out all the time and often just the two of us. We started seeking each other out and it was during these times when I started developing feelings for her. I fought hard to suppress it because i know i’d risk losing her as a friend. I made it a point to be honest with her at every point of this “confusion”. She’d clarify if us holding hands was platonic to which i said it was ( because it really was to me! i had no intention of falling for her). She’d ask if I thought she liked me, to which i said no I don’t think you do. It was never, I don’t like you, it was always “do you think I have feelings for you?” As time goes by we’ve become physically closer to the point where we’ve held hands many times. I make note of this because she’s not the type who would be physically expressive with her other friends. One time we were hanging out and at my house and we held hands again but this time it felt different - we held hands for a good 20 minutes, in the dark, with our fingers interlaced, in bed after watching a movie, and we were just talking. She got up to go use the washroom and came back to hold my hand again. i had asked her what that meant and she said it didn’t mean anything to her and it wasn’t a moment for her. She got silent and struggled to explain why she wouldn’t let go of my hand. She also said she was getting a little annoyed that I wasn’t believing her but I wasn’t being pushy. That crushed me and we once again had a conversation where I told her it’s deeply platonic but I often find myself wondering why i want to be close to her. She asked me if I wanted space and I said no. We decided boundaries should be in place because she said “it might escalate into something else”, but we started having a lot of fights because of how much suppression I was feeling. Finally after a huge blow out, and after realizing my feelings for her weren’t going to go away, I told her that my feelings were indeed romantic. She had asked for space until we figure out what kind of friendship we were going to have. I have an inkling we might not be friends anymore after this, but she did say that it was just a “break” and not a breakup. I had checked in and she said we need more space but assured me that she still values our friendship.

I don’t have an exact question because i don’t want to speculate and I want to believe and respect what she says and how she identifies. But it does make me wonder if there was any part of her that wanted to explore deeper feelings that she didn’t want to simply because her faith doesn’t allow? I thought I was going insane and maybe I am. Just wanted to get this off my chest too.

My kid is as best ambivalent about my GF. I do not understand why because she is great with kids and great with my kid. My kid just does not respond.

I would marry her if I did not have my kid.

I unexpectedly had a lot of time off from work for a month. I just got back from 5 days in PA with my kid. We spent the weekend with my GF and her daughter (same age as mine) last weekend, then Monday-Thursday were in PA.

The plan for this weekend was to go to my GF’s (she didn’t have her daughter this weekend) this afternoon and stay til Monday.

My kid was literally in tears that she just wanted to be at home for a little bit.

It’s a very long story but I had to move back in with my mom and my brother ( I love him but he never launched) and her uncle is her favorite person.

So we stayed home.

My GF is mad at me.

I’m not thrilled to be at home. I wanted to go see her. I wanted to spend the weekend with her.

But I’m not going to put my selfish desires ahead of my kid just wanting to be home after being away.

She’s an amazing mom. If anyone should understand that it should be her. But she’s mad at her.

I get it. She had a hard day at work.

But…we can go up tomorrow and she has Monday off

I’m torn because her and I are fucking great. I love my kid. I got tricked into having her (it’s a long story) but I love her before everything else. But I’m annoyed that my GF is mad at me for not dragging my kid out when she desperately wanted to be at home. And my kid would have been miserable at her house and been shitty to her too.

She hasn’t even texted in 5 hours since I told her that I wasn’t going to come because she was so upset.

So I don’t know where I’m at.

As the title states, I have severe social anxiety. Im curious, is there a discord or spmething i could join? Im 29f if that helps.

Just looking to make friends for myself or for my wife and I.