r/ActualLesbiansOver25

Last year we didn’t see my family so I just didn’t get anything but this year we will be with them.

My wife refuses to work and any money they do get they spend on their crippling weed addiction they don’t care to fix.

I just don’t want them to look like a bum in front of my family so I’m gonna give them the gifts to wrap and give to me.

Legit so pathetic.

We've been together over 2 years. Not a single fight, just one short, mature and calm disagreement. We agree on practically everything in life and our values; it's been the most positive, fun, healthy, and fulfilling experience of my life. She recently asked for my ring size and an inspo board. We're both saving up money to buy a house together.

Then on Friday, she broke down and said she doesn't know if she can continue.

The one thing we disagree on is diet choices. She's been a vegetarian for over a decade, I used to be but stopped. I have been told by several medical professionals and 2 therapists that I should never be on any restrictive kind of diet due to my history of ED, OCD, autoimmune disorders, and other issues. She knows this. She has never dated a non-veg person before and thought she could handle it, but not she isn't sure anymore.

I told her I would be as respectful as possible and eat most vegetarian if we lived together, but I could not promise to cut it off altogether. If anything, I'd have one special pan I'd cook meat in and only when she wasn't home. If I do eat meat, I floss and brush my teeth before I kiss or touch her. I try to be respectful. I love how dedicated she is to animals and her lifestyle. She doesn't think she can even handle that, she can't stomach the idea of me eating meat ever anymore.

She doesn't expect me to change for her, but she secretly was hoping she'd influence me and I would change.

I feel so blindsighted. It took over 2.5 years of knowing each other for her to come to this realization now? I know she's going through a really rough mental place right now and she said she thinks that's why this is all coming to light, and I feel bad for her suffering. I do. But it just feels like I was.. lied to in a way. I thought she was okay with it. She was always supportive "babe, eat what you want! I'll get my vegetarian dish and you get whatever" but now I feel like it was all lies to pacify things. Which I hate because I feel she was uncomfortable and didn't speak up when I asked if she was sure she was okay with this one difference between us for so long.

She's now deciding if this is a dealbreaker for her while she starts therapy next week and works through things for the foreseeable future. I 100% support her starting therapy and have been encouraging it for quite some time. However, I feel like I'm just strung along and waiting to be broken up with for the foreseeable future.

Not to mention my son is so attached to her. He talks about all living together as a big family and how she's his favorite person in the world. He would be so devastated if we broke up.

I'm so broken hearted. Part of me feels like we should just end things while she works on herself so that way I don't get strung along and she isn't stuck with someone who has a lifestyle she abhors. Then again, it feels so silly to end a relationship that's otherwise healthy and stable besides this one thing.

I'll. Probably delete this later. I have only told 1 friend because I'm so ashamed to tell anybody else, we've been literally perfect up to this point - literally everybody says they adore us as a couple and we've perfect, when's the wedding etc - and I hate admitting we've lost that. I'm just bawling and had to put my feelings out somewhere.

I’ve been single for 2 years which is the longest I’ve been single since I was 18. I did date a couple people last summer but I realized I wasn’t over my ex or in a healthy spot to date so I stopped and focused on myself for a bit. Got back out there this summer and it’s been lackluster. I’ve went on some dates but it’s a lot of mixed communication, people not over their exes, or just red flags. When I tell people I’ve been single for 2 years they don’t believe me. I noticed most people aren’t single long. If they just got out of a relationship they are already looking for the next. It’s almost like if you’re single too long something is wrong with you. It makes me feel pressure to be in a relationship. I don’t hate being single. I do like the freedom to be able to pour into myself and my friendships but I do miss being in a relationship. I just haven’t met someone who I would be open to getting on that level with. Those of you who are single is it by choice or not being able to find a compatible partner?

i posted in here a few days ago about how i was seeing a girl who has been struggling with mental health issues recently and how i felt like she was losing interest in me, but have since deleted that post. for clarity, i am 28 and have only been out for a year. i have only had one other relationship with a woman that did not end very well based on a lot of factors.

i finally stopped being avoidant and finally asked her last night if she had lost interest in me or if it was just her mental health that has made things change. she told me that she hadn’t lost interest in me but there has been things on her mind about us, like how i have made comments about never wanting kids and how that is a non negotiable for her because she wants to be a mom and that with how she has felt lately she doesn’t know if a relationship is the right thing for her right now. the kids thing kind of threw me off because my hinge profile says that i don’t want kids. i feel like if that was something that meant a lot to her that she should have had that conversation with me pretty early on on whether i may change my mind about that someday. i had no idea or indication that having kids was something that she wanted.

i asked her if she still thinks that there is a future for us after she works on herself and she said that she doesn’t know. her words were, “i could say yes now and mean that but i don’t know if that may change after i work through things”. i asked her if i should just try to be there for her as a friend or if we just keep doing things how they are and she said that she doesn’t know what she needs but that she doesn’t want to quit talking to me everyday but that’s selfish of her to ask of me. i told her that i could be whatever she needed me to be and that i didn’t want to stop talking to her either. last night when i laid down, i at least felt clarity and like maybe we could make this work eventually, but this morning i feel like i have this a million pound weight on my chest.

i don’t want to stop talking to her. i have never had someone ignite these feelings in me like she has. all i can think about is how i felt so comfortable and safe wrapped in her arms and how i had kissed her more that the one time we met because i was so nervous. i thought i was going to have the opportunity to do it again but now i feel like that’s just lost. i don’t want to stop talking to her, but i am hurting. i can’t eat, i can’t sleep. i just sit here all day looking at my phone waiting to see a text from her. i know it’s not healthy but i don’t feel like i can stop. i know time is supposed to heal things, but i am so scared that i will never find this feeling with someone ever again. that i will look for pieces of her in any relationship with someone else in the future. i feel like i can’t voice any of this to her because i do not want to make her mental health worse. i am just lost and don’t know what i am supposed to do.

Throwaway account because my friends follow me on my main account.

I’m a teacher. I started a new job in mid-August. There is a girl at this new job who I know from high school. We’ve been talking relatively frequently, and I think I’ve developed a crush on her. It’s kind of weird though, I don’t feel butterflies or stuff like that like I thought I would, I just feel safe around her & being in her presence makes me feel happier no matter what we’re talking about.

I know she has attraction to women, I think she’s bi but she hasn’t outwardly labeled it. However, I don’t know if she has feelings for me like I do for her. There has been no flirting that I know of. I’ve wanted to drop subtle hints, I’m afraid of weirding her out.

I’ve been holding these feelings in for a while now. Most times I’m content to live with this secret & hope she makes a move at some point. However, I don’t think she will do that, and there are times where my feelings are so intense I just want to come right out & make a move (I have no clue what that even would look like but I want to).

What can I do? I have a feeling that if I do nothing I’ll stay in this loop until either I leave or she leaves (and I doubt that happens for either of us- this district is phenomenal & we’ve talked a couple times about how much we love it here), but I also don’t want to make things awkward by making a failed move. We interact fairly regularly on a professional level, and I don’t want to make that weird.

I’m so damn attracted to the looks, character and accomplishments of this woman who has made it clear that she wants to explore something serious with me if I demonstrate that I’m in it for real and pursue her. I don’t think she realises how into her I am, I worry she thinks I’m just fooling around.

However I have life circumstances in the way that prevents me from moving forward, most of all having to sort out my social situation, clean up my romantic life and build my income streams, meaning that this isn’t the moment to start something with her. I have made some bold moves to change my life up and need to lock in. I don’t think she’d be into someone who is in the middle of figuring everything out and I personally don’t want to add to the current complexity of my life either.

We don’t know each other all too well yet so I don’t know what dynamic I’d be walking into, but I am scared I’ll fall head over heels and either get hurt like hell OR just be really damn distracted from building my life. She already has my head spinning for days sometimes so I can’t deal with any more emotions while handling business.

I find it disrespectful to ask her to wait because I’ve already hurt her so I’ve just been silent but damn I want her so bad it hurts. I will FOR SURE make a proper move when the time comes but it might be she’s just over me by then and tells me to fuck off.

I know this must sound juvenile because it FEELS juvenile. I’ve just never really experienced this before and all of it is making me feel wildly insecure…
I’m 26 and femme, my gf is 31 and butch. We were introduced by a mutual friend (who is also butch) who thought we’d hit it off because we have a lot of the same hobbies, and we did! We’ve been together about 3 months now and we’ve been really happy. Then I did some dumb shit and now I’m questioning if she actually is.

Our mutual friend (I’ll call her V) has known my gf wayyy longer than I have. When V offered to set us up, I jokingly asked her something like “oh, is she an old flame?” and V laughed and said NO, gf is ONLY into femmes and would never consider dating someone else who is even a little bit masc. she stressed this a lot and said that being butch and dating only femmes was VERY important to my gf. I’ve never had a preference and have dated all sorts of women, but I wasn’t too concerned because I know a lot of lesbians do care strongly one way or the other. I’ve always considered myself to be pretty femme. Then about a week ago I stumbled across a picture of my gf with her ex.

…she is HIGH FEMME. She literally looked like a beautiful Zara Larsson/Elle Woods combo. I’m not proud but I did some ig stalking and she’s absolutely gorgeous, petite, skinny, has long blonde hair, and is almost always wearing dresses or skirts. I don’t feel like I can compare to her at all. I don’t want to get all “she’s got glasses and a ponytail… she’s got paint on her overalls!” about myself, but that kinda IS me in this situation, lol.

I’m chubby, heavily tattooed, just recently cut my hair shorter and dyed it black, I don’t shave, and overall I’m much more of a goth Ms Frizzle type of femme. I saw my gf’s ex and was kind of crushed because I immediately got why V stressed gf’s preference so hard. My gf’s ex is the epitome of a beautiful feminine woman, and I feel like I look like a creature in comparison. I saw V the other day and talked to her about it (hopefully coming across as casual??) and she talked about GF’s other exes and said they pretty much all looked like that and my gf had a typical “type” for petite, blonde femmes. Again, I cannot stress enough that I am NOT that type, and I don’t think I could be even if I tried. I’ve been more insecure in the past week than I think I’ve ever been before, and the thought that I could be some sort of “personality hire” & that my gf is not actually physically attracted to me is killing me.

Now I’m overthinking everything… my gf has never directly said anything that made me insecure, but now I’m replaying conversations where I gave her the benefit of the doubt and I’m wondering if that’s what she was getting at. Times where she’s told me I should go to the gym with her even when I said I didn’t want to, when she’s bought me clothes that aren’t my typical style, said I’d look “hot” with makeup/hairstyles different from what I usually wear. One time she made a weird comment about how most of the girls she’d dated in the past were bi and only had boyfriends before, and how she’d have to “try harder” as a partner to impress me since I’d only been with other women. I made it clear I didn’t like that way of thinking, and she immediately apologized and said it was a joke that came out wrong. Now I’m wondering if this is her “thing”… like, finding straight-passing femme women and playing out those typical gender roles with them. I know lots of people are into that, but personally that’s NOT what I want in my relationships.

If we’d met organically in the wild and she had approached me on her own, I don’t think that I’d feel this way. But we didn’t, we were set up by a friend who’d been telling me “hey, give (gf’s name) a chance! You’ll like her!” for a while, and I can only assume said the same to my gf about me…

I feel stupid and immature and silly. I feel like I’ll either come across as crazy or get heartbroken if I mention this to my gf. I really love her so much, I’ve never met someone who’s interests have aligned with mine so perfectly. She makes me laugh, always takes care of me, and I think she’s the most stunning person ever. Even with that, I don’t want her to be stuck with me unhappily when I won’t ever be able to live up to the type of the women she’s dated in past. What do I do here? Has anyone else experienced this?

No idea how a 3 month situationship ending has me in a chokehold, but it does.

Tips on how to get over her? What do yall do in these trying times 😩😂

A girl and I have been trying to schedule going on a date for awhile but it hasn’t been working out. 1st time she canceled because of a family emergency, 2nd time it was my fault because I sent her a confirmation text and she didn’t respond until 6 hours later i.e 1 hour before the date. Because I didn’t hear from her I made other plans but she still showed up even though I told her I went on with my day because I didn’t hear from her. Next time she canceled because of work. Yesterday she texted me asking to change the plans because something came up. I said okay that’s fine. I asked if 1pm worked. I didn’t get a text from her until today and it’s a text saying she’s at the restaurant. No confirmation saying yes that time works or that she was leaving or anything. I feel bad because it was like a 45 minute drive but she didn’t respond so I assumed it wasn’t happening.

I’m struggling with how much this hurts after years of dating disappointment. I am getting older and I just want to settle down.. experience genuine love. I’m feeling incredibly discourage and sad.

This is long 😅 thanks for reading haha

I’m in my mid-30s (lesbian) and have been single for about 10 years. I’ve had a lot of experiences where I really liked someone, only for things to end because they liked someone else, weren’t over an ex, or just weren’t in the same place emotionally. I’ve always respected that and let people go when they didn’t choose me.

Recently, I met someone I genuinely really liked. We were seeing each other a little over 2 months, and I finally let myself get excited about someone again. I could actually see the potential for something serious. I was so excited. Everything was going so well.

Then I made a communication mistake.

The situation was involving a mutual friend who we met through from a dinner. She had a conversation with the woman I was dating about the friend I was visiting, and I wasn’t there. Their accounts of that conversation didn’t completely line up. According to the woman I was dating; our mutual friend brought it up Expressing that “do you know who’s she visiting?” and “there are somethings you should know and I wouldn’t be okay with” etc. making it seem as if I was hiding something. This happened after she expressed how excited she was about us. I’m really struggling with the two different stories that I was told? It’s all been very confusing and hurtful. My friend said that the woman I was dating is lying about what happened said that conversation didn’t go like that at all then switched it up, and said the conversation was close. Before all this, my friend never said anything really positive about the woman I was dating (amongst other weird things) which I found strange but, I just ignored it.

I had previously told the woman I was dating that I had a close friend I’d had romantic history with. My friend and I briefly dated 4-5 months almost 5 years ago. (talking stage) What I failed to communicate was that the friend I was visiting was that same person. In my mind, the history is old and the friendship is completely platonic, so I genuinely didn’t think I was hiding anything nor did it even occur to me to put 2 and 2 together before I visited my friend and her girlfriend. But I understand why it hurt her, especially because of something similar she’d experienced in the past. While I was there, I was actively texting her while there, sending photos etc. I even wanted my friend and her girlfriend to meet her (they were so excited for me and wanted to meet her to) that I suggested we all FaceTime before I left to visit my friend :( that never happened. I wasn’t trying to deceive her. I wasn’t secretly pursuing this other person. I wasn’t choosing my friend over her. I wasn’t living some double life.

She ultimately told me that even though she really liked me, she didn’t want to continue dating me. I respect her decision and understand but I’m just really sad, man.

And it hurts that something I genuinely experienced as a communication mistake had such a huge consequence?

I think I’m grieving more than just her. I’m grieving 10 years of things not working out.

I’m tired of hearing “the right person will come when you least expect it.” I don’t want another cliché. I just want to know what it’s like for something to finally work. I’m just feeling really bummed and struggling to process this all.

EDIT - to clarify we were not in a relationship just in the talking stage but we were only seeing each other and it was on the road to being serious

It's my 25th today. I'll be volunteering in the daytime then I'll party all night. This is actually the first birthday I've celebrated :)

I have also made huge progress with accepting that I am a lesbian (bc of family background and other barriers).

How are you all doing today? Anything you're proud of this week?

So long story short my partner of 1 1/2 years went basically off the deep end. After almost a year of violence and making it really hard for me to leave due to, emotional, and physical abuse I was able to leave the relationship after the state im in charged her with domestic violence. I have an emergancy protective order against her and have my final hearing next week for a long term one. She really went off the rails this month and has been in and out of jail with the last charges being a few felonies and additional charges. All not being relevent to our relationship and what we had.

Ive been checked out of the relationship for months and her dv arrest against me helped me start my new life. I have a new place to live (with housemates im 33f), im doing great at my job, and have really became super close with my friends which I couldnt do in the relationship.

Ive been on one date so far with a woman who was great. Im just questioning myself. Im still in the midst of dealing with the relationship fall out. I imagine I should be feeling grief over the failed relationship but I just dont and feel so disconnected.

Im in therapy and my therapist is so proud I went out to have a coffee date but im feeling like a walking red flag for someone trying to date.

Im not looking to jump into a relationship but I feel conflicted about feeling ready but also having all of this baggage over my head.

Advice?