u/harlequinn_n

​I think it's time for me to heal. I've been unconsciously denying myself a relationship, both romantic and sexual, because of internalized lesbophobia. I used to label myself as asexual, and while there's a bit of truth to that (I consider myself demisexual), I've mostly been repressing my attraction to women since I was 11. That's the exact age I discovered I liked girls for the first time. I fell in love with a dear friend of mine.

​My mother used to say lesbians disgusted her. She would say she was afraid our lesbian neighbor would hit on her. She would use derogatory slang to talk about lesbians with my father in their native tongue. I even internalized that disgusted feeling toward the word "lesbian" for a long time. Now my parents are accepting but they pretend they always knew I was a lesbian and that they were always accepting. Sure, Jan. My trauma sure doesn't remember it like that.

​Anyway, I can now finally say: I am a lesbian. But I still deal with decades of hatred and disgust toward myself. I wondered if I am the only one, and if not, how did you overcome it? I am done repressing my sexuality, women are so pretty and I want to date them. I am just still not too confident using the label. Thankfully the comphet is gone though.

I deactivated my Facebook account. The website asks you why you want to leave, and I chose "I need a break". It automatically set the reactivation date to 7 days, so I had to change it manually to "do not reactivate". It will do anything to keep you on the platform. So tiring.

So, I am allergic to oats and in the past the dietitians I saw would always tell me to make porridge in the morning. I tried several time but I just end up bloated and feeling unwell. I don't mind eating something salty in the morning to be honest, but I want something plant-based and easy to cook every morning. Any tips to start this plant-based journey?

​Yesterday, I was at the beach with my parents. I was enjoying swimming with my mother when I saw an insect drowning in the water. As I am allergic, I couldn't just use my bare hand to save it, so I guided it until it reached the lifebuoy, but then I couldn't do anything else except hold the string out of the water.

​I kept waiting for the insect to dry its wings so it could fly away, but every time a new wave came, it would be submerged. I spent a total of thirty minutes doing this, somehow I couldn't bear to leave this tiny insect to drown, so I started reciting Om Mani Padme Hum. I knew I might have to let it go because I couldn't save it any other way, and if I got stung, I could die.

​Right as I was reciting the mantra, my mother appeared in the water with a stick. Thirty minutes to save this tiny insect's life and a good life lesson for me. The insect and I both made it safely. I wanted to share this to bring a smile to your face.

May you be at peace, and enjoy your day! 🤲

Hello,

I used to be on both Lithium and Lamictal and I think the Lithium was keeping me away from being manic but the Lamictal never helped my treatment resistant depression. Well, I moved about a year ago and found a new psychiatrist who said he would not diagnose me because I am too young, he did say I was showing signs of psychosis and possibly a mood disorder. I used to have a bipolar diagnosis in my twenties. Anyway, I am currently on 30mg Zyprexa and 40mg Trintellix. I felt good and stable for a whole year on those meds. I don't know why I am getting manic, I guess the mood disorder diagnosis was right, but what triggered it after a year of being stable? Well, I sleep only 2 hours a night and I wake up feeling refreshed, I have a full list of projects I'll probably never finish once the episode goes away and I see my psychiatrist on Thursday.

I wrote him a note to be sure to tell him everything about my current mood and how things are going fast in my mind and my behavior. I even spend a lot of money and my libido is through the roof. Wanted to meet strangers on a dating app to calm down the libido but it's probably best I don't end up doing erratic stuff and catching STDs.

I will accept whatever mood stabilizer he gives me but I wanted to know if there were other options than Lithium (I suck at appointment I never go do the blood work necessary) or Lamotrigine which wasn't that helpful...

Any tips?

I moved and got a new psychiatrist about a year ago. I spent a whole year without a mood stabilizer, though I am currently still on antidepressants and antipsychotics. I believed I was cured and didn't have mood issues. I do want to stop my meds, but I know it's because I am in an episode. I started sleeping three hours a night, waking up feeling refreshed and rested. Currently, I am getting two hours of sleep and am not tired at all. I see my psychiatrist on Thursday. It's going to be an interesting talk. He suspected either schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or a mix of both. I am 99% sure I am currently at the beginning of a manic episode, which hasn't happened in about a year or a little bit more. I deal with psychosis too, but it doesn't happen while I have a mood shifts. Right now my psychotic symptoms are under control, it's the damn hypomanic feeling of being on top of the world, having so many projects lined up because I have the energy to do them. I don't know, I am kind of tired of not having a diagnosis because it could at least help me understand myself better. But yeah, definitely a mood shift. It didn't happen for so long that I thought my previous psychiatrists were crazy diagnosing me with a mood disorder. At least I am not hallucinating and my family encourages me to stay on the meds.

​​Hello,

​I am more on the femme side of the spectrum. I just can't get enough of straight people's confused faces when I say I am attracted to women. About a year ago I fell in love with a woman and it got complicated. I told the nurse I was having a difficult relationship in my life and she started going "you have to talk to him." I remember saying "she's a she" and then her face literally switched from confusion to realization, and she even told the other nurse I liked women lmao. Somehow I have that "straight" vibe about me. Nope, I love women, sorry. 😂

Hello,

I am 30F. I suspect CSA happened when I was younger because I have flashbacks of the abuse except I don't see the person's face. A nurse told me something definitely happened according to her. When I was 7 and my sister was 13 she sexually abused me several times.

I labeled myself as asexual aromantic for almost a decade. It took me jealousy (of another person sexual and romantic life) to understand I am indeed repulsed by sex, not because I am asexual but because abuse and homophobia happened in my household as a kid. I am well and healthy, no matter how much I try to repress my sexuality, I do have libido and I am attracted to women.

My mother used to say being a lesbian was disgusting. I grew up thinking something was deeply wrong with me. I remember watching Desperate Housewives in the kitchen with my sister and two actresses kissed : I knew I wasn't straight, and for me it was hell because being lesbian was "disgusting". I was struggling so much inside myself.

My mother always kept a eye on us when we were dating, we weren't allowed close doors. I did (and still do) have a high libido, I remember masturbating in fear my mother open up the room as she once did when I was a teenager. Everything about sexuality was fucked up in my house. I am afraid of having sex as an adult because I associate it with abuse. I hate that at 30, the best age to experiment, I am stuck fearing my sexuality.

I hate it.

Hello,

I get that I might get downvoted for that but it's a genuine question, let me explain. I am generally someone with a very low libido, it's been this way since puberty, my hormones are fine, blabla... I am just made like that. But sometimes I get intense sexual cravings, they never really last but I never learned to deal with them the Buddhist way. Well, I know a craving is a craving, so it should be treated like a craving... But it feels really intense. I am really uncomfortable when that happens as I am not used to it. I don't enjoy having sex, heck I don't even want to be in a relationship, so it means I can't release it by having safe sex with someone I love.

By the way the choice of being single and not having sex are not related to my interest in Buddhism but by my romantic and sexual orientation.

Thank you for your honest answers.

Hello,

I just recently started to remember bits of my abusive childhood. I can exactly pinpoint the age my schizoid pd started. I was 7, I lost my grandmother and the adults in my life preferred to only focus on my sister as she was older rather than a child feeling grief for the first time. I was left on my own, afraid of death and what it meant. I was put aside as if I was a pet, basically "OP is so young, it doesn't affect him that much." I wanted to sleep with my parents every night because I was so terrified of dying but my father would get angry at me and told me to go back to my room. I was already being abused by my parents in general, but this first grief experience broke something in me.

Growing up, I always was deeply lonely. I don't have friends and never had any. The teachers would call me shy or aloof. I was unmotivated to do activities like other kids, I was just there, barely existing. My English teacher went as far as telling my parents I looked "disenchanted".

As an adult I have no drive to meet new people and I feel uncomfortable when people talk to me. People are drawn to me for some reason. My old coworker told me I always look annoyed when people talk to me. And it's true. I had to put on a mask, ironic that as a schizoid I had a career in the social department. Another coworker asked me if I liked being around people. What am I supposed to answer?

I was wondering if others could also exactly pinpoint the moment something broke in them way before being diagnosed with schizoid pd.