r/Schizoid

i have a boyfriend. i like some things. i sometimes crave physicality, but more often i feel like i have to clamor away. im polite enough to hide it. in some vague sense i guess i care or that i know i am supposed to. but when im alone i don’t miss him or think about it. i know cognitively what a cruel thing it is to say and do. i dumped a girl like this once and never think or feel a thing but i know it is cruel how little i remember or care.

i don’t know if i stay because of a fear of harming him or because i know what little intimacy i do want would be unbearable and impossible to find anywhere else. he’s never felt like “home” just as nobody else has but i know in my mind what will happen next with him and thats enough. i’ll probably just stay along. if i dumped him i might as well quit my job, which i have a similar feeling of disconnection from. eventually im sure i would do nothing at all, but of course i need money to live

despite my disclosure here i imagine i might be fine to those who don’t know how empty i am. i try to pay attention and do nice things for him even if part of it is knowing that all of my time is equally aimless and consequently “why not”. i have never shown the cruelty of someone who cares too much. but cognitively i don’t want to hurt him, and i don’t want my life to go to shit, so i stay

i am jealous of people who genuinely feel about relationships, in a way. i guess it feels like my mind is trapped in a constant business negotiation. money, money, me me me. despite my need to live i feel apprehensive about the harm to all involved. but pull the trigger every day. if it wouldn’t be so cruel to tell him i think i would just apologize. but that would end the game and so i play. nevermind the fact that in the end my greed and self interest outweighs the vague impression of empathy i can think myself toward.

Did anyone else ever experience this?

Nowadays I rarely enjoy anything. But when I was younger, I would sometimes find things I was interested in, or even enjoyed doing, but it never lasted long. I would try out a new hobby or something, or read about a topic, and I enjoyed it. But it all faded very quickly. It was almost like, every time I did the thing, I enjoyed it a bit less. Until no joy was left and the thing had become just as boring as everything else. Some things wore off after only a few times of doing them, others lasted slightly longer.

It's almost like my brain gets used to any feeling of joy very quickly, and then starts correcting itself back to the baseline. Like getting used to a drug until it doesn't work anymore.

Sometimes I think this mechanism is behind it all. My brain just wants to feel nothing, and keeps dialing things down to what it thinks of as the "base level". I cannot feel joy, because when I do, my brain changes the threshold.

This is also why my anhedonia slowly gets worse as I age: The older I get, the more things I've tried, and the more things have worn off already. Finding and feeling anything new and "fresh" becomes harder and harder, and once something has worn off, I can never enjoy it again.

I don't know if the same would happen with interpersonal feelings as well, I've never gotten this far. Would be interesting to know if I have the same problem with other types of feelings, but I can't tell.

Not sure if any of that is a schizoid thing, or even real, but... Anyone else?

i swear i am going crazy why they even look at me

i am just trying to act like a normal person and people actually start liking me and it terrifies me. too much to handle for me. even one man seems to be intrested in 'romantic' relationship while i am just pretending to be a quite normal person.

i hate elevators, i hate small talk, i hate relationships, i hate pretending, but i still have to do it to... well, what exactly? to function in society. when i grow up i wanna be a ghost.

all i can hear they talk about are dramas, gosspis and other natalists's shit (i mean - things that fuel the will to live). this feels unreal for me. i wish i didn't belong to society. shit.

I am quite sure I am agender at this point. I saw a comment awhile ago that suggested one way to cope with schizoid pd is to essentially reinvent one's self. You are formed from the ground up in your childhood, and can do the same as a new person in adulthood. This idea struck me, as it would seem to be highly connected with the idea of transitioning. After all what greater way is there to reinvent yourself than by changing your name and gender? It had me wondering if, maybe, if I can successfully transition, it might help me cope with my schizoid pd.

What's there to live for?

1. Friendship- nope, too selfish to be anyone's friend, don't like responsibility, schizoid
2. Relationship- nope, anti-sexual out of disgust for life and human body, asexual, don't like responsibility, schizoid
3. Relationship with family- can't get along with any family members, estranged from brother and father, mother-on and off, getting too old for her lies and bullshit
4. Food- too much work for the result, don't like pooping as a consequence
5. Entertainment- only TV series, don't like going out(don't feel safe outside, don't like being around people, don't like getting dirty(OCD thing))
6. Talents-zero
7. Hobbies- baking but losing interest
8. Mental issues- ocd, adhd, anhedonia, gad
9. Conclusion: I need euthanasia.

I assume not very. I may be a darker person than many of you, yet I've never been one to fight or hurt anyone. Still, I have thoughts. Quite intense, sometimes. Compels me to ask you. It's too much trouble, isn't it? Why bother? Why cause problems for yourself. And anyway, I don't care. They can't hurt me. I don't have those hang-ups that they assume I do. They really dont have to walk on those eggshells around me, like they're used to doing- I know how "normal" people are. But I do think of... well, you know. Sometimes I wonder if I have a limit. Try to find it. Not there. Only darkness. Still scares me. More familiar now, and that's not good of course.

I wonder what my prognosis is. Do I heal? Is this healing? I've changed, in the past few years. Darker. More confident. More aware of my own nature. More numb. I am a covert schizoid. I wonder if the faculty responsible for masking has other effects, or side effects. Byproducts. Interesting. Good that it is interesting. I often tire of thought, of solving puzzles, especially my own.

Well, how violent are you, my comrades? Careful what you say, of course. The walls have ears.

I know this sub is schizoid, not schizophrenic, but maybe just maybe schizoids have a higher risk of psychosis than the average person. Not sure about that. It is part of the schizophrenia spectrum after all.

For me personally, I had experienced psychosis for quite some time last year. About late January until mid April. I got into some trouble at school and started believing my thoughts were being broadcasted for everyone within a certain radius could hear. It was being used to embarrass and shame me. I also believed the teachers at uni were secretly in on at (yeah…) I didn’t get violent but secretly resented one poor teacher.

What else, I also believed I was being spied on. My phone camera was being accessed by people on the dark web (didn’t help that I watch dark web horror stories, which are exaggerated anyway)

It was hell. Thankfully, I didn’t get violent but got so angry I almost threw something at someone at work. I forget the exact timeline but I took antipsychotics and eventually got over it

For schizoids that experienced psychosis, I’m curious to hear the details

My partner has not been formally diagnosed but he himself is a neuropsychologist and has mentioned he may be schizoid. My question is whether the silent treat or stone walling is a common defensive, for example I left a water bottle cap off a bottle of mineral water for a few hours and I got the silent treatment because he’s upset, minor things like that seem to set him off and he feels like I don’t appreciate him or respect him.

Lately I've been considering telling my psychiatrist that I think I might have SPD but there's one thing that doesn't fit, atleast according to my knowledge of SPD. A few years ago I had this friend I met online, we talked to eachother everyday but after a year of being friends he broke contact with me for no reason and after that I missed him for close to a year. The way I would describe my feelings during that time would be that I didn't miss him as a person in specific but rather the experience of talking with him and the routine in general, I tried to find replacements that had his style of typing (kinda weird I know) but that didn't work. I'm not asking for a diagnosis or anything but I don't know whether to tell my psychiatrist about these suspicions or if I just have schizoids traits (a lot of them but still).

You know, when someone talks about sex outside of an explicitly sexual connotation — it always throws me off.

It gets even more jarring when people — who are clearly not horny — start basing their goals on achieving sex, as if it's something that has worth in itself — and not just a nuisance that gets in the way of other activities.

It's a bit like saying "I really REALLY want to use the bathroom in a few hours!". I mean, if you want to go, then go now. How do you know if you would want to use it in a few hours? It just sounds funny.

To me, it's like a bodily function that only matters when it arises — as soon as it's dealt with, the thought never even crosses my mind.

If you're horny, can you not just masturbate and go about your day?

I view myself as straight — however — clearly their sexuality transcends the normal bodily desires and into the normal, everyday goals of their existence.

Surely, sex can't be that interesting? :/

One of the reasons why I am so messed up or relate here as well, is the fact that I have attracted so many bullies and passive aggressive people - I wondered if I did something and I guess I did - but I want genuine and kind people, I don’t want this in my life… honestly I am usually just very honest and vulnerable and many people seem to hate that and prey or take advantage.. that’s why I am so sad or just wondering, why.. why can’t people just be vulnerable and flawed and kind..

Do you relate? Did or do you attract people like that as well?

I decided I should try and be social and go to an in person meetup. Like I do once every few years. I thought I might meet someone interesting romantically or platonically. And I honestly don't know why I ever try. I'm also autistic and ever since a very socially traumatic thing happened to me a few years ago I can't mask for shit and every social interaction feels like some fucked up game of Dance Dance Revolution where I keep making all the wrong steps and losing the game. Everyone else seemed to find it so easy, they were laughing and connecting effortlessly with each other. I could only fake it whilst internally feeling nothing.

I guess in the past in these situations I was too blinded by anxiety or drunk or high to realise that I literally feel nothing? When everyone else is sharing each other's joy, sadness, whatever, I can't feel anything. I just try to mirror them and probably fail. And seem weird and cold. But I literally can't express anything, maybe because I don't feel it. It was a queer event and there were a few cute girls, one was really cute and friendly. But I just couldn't connect with them. idk I feel like an alien trying and failing to be human. And I know it's not just an autistic thing because lots of other people are also autistic but they don't seem to struggle this way. They all have friends and seem to enjoy connection. They'd be horrified to learn I have just one and that I spend most of my time alone.

idk man I hate that my life is like this, it fucking sucks. It feels like feeling the need to eat but you don't have a mouth. And you constantly watch other people eating delicious looking food and it's like torture.

I’ve read so much about masking that I wonder why schizoids feel the need to do it. What are they trying to protect or achieve by masking?
Would others be afraid of you if they meet your true self? How do others react when they get to know you without your mask? What is this like? Thanks for answering

I relate to AvPD way more than Schizoid. But the main thing that makes them seem to lean schizoid is my lack of motivation to socialize and flat affect.

In truth I don't know *why* I isolate. It just feels like there's this invisible barrier that prevents me.

Apparently it's normal to be very fake, it took me almost 30 years to realize I wasn't weird, I was just hanging out with people not as crazy as me. At least in my case, social situations are hard because of the fakeness, if I can be myself it's nice.

In the last few years I gave up almost all social norms, I give no fuck anymore, my rule is clear: if im not harming anyone I don't care if I offend a certain belief or what a random stranger might think, it's way harder to get close to someone but when it happens it's a real connection.

I'd like to hear from you guys, do you also struggle with it? Have a job or something like that which forces you to wear a mask?

Starting dose was like 58 or something. Being treated for SzPD, AuDHD, MDD, PTSD. It do be dissociative. I like it

Hi im 14 and i have had schizoid symptoms and maybe schizotypal symptoms(?) for a few years now and im wondering if I could get diagnosed? Or maybe just recognized for these traits? Im not sure how to bring this kind of stuff up to a therapist. Or to even bring up the possibility of it in general. I cant really say that I had these symptoms as a child because I dont remember my childhood and from what people say about me I was the opposite

I am diagnosed with ADHD and have been medicated for over a year but I still display these symptoms pretty prominently and it does affect my schoolwork and my life. I do online schooling so I dont get out of the house much. The only prominent emotion I feel is anger and otherwise I dont feel much for other people. Whenever I go to therapy about my really bad anxiety, I can never relate to anything they give me to manage it because I dont really feel that way? I dont know how to explain it. I have looked into autism, but I am not sure of that anymore because I dont really relate to it much. As well as depression, I take care of myself and I don't have any bad thoughts or anything. I have some conduct issues and cluster b traits in general but obviously I cant really say that because im 14 and it might be normal????dunno. I also suspect I probably have OCD because my mom has a LOT of symptoms of it and also schizotypal traits but shes not diagnosed so I cant say for sure. I dont know what to do about it and I feel empty a lot of the time

Im realising these things are not things he wants i have to get my head around. He is close to me but no one else. What happens when I pass away. Hopefully that's 30 years away. I would just love to hear for people who have this so I can understand him better and can support him. Thanks.

This feeling has been embedded somewhere in my brain's fundamental settings since birth. It's as if everything around me is hostile and uncomfortable, and I lack the strength and inner support to cope.

Unconsciously, I always expect the world to throw a curveball.

That's why I've always had a calm and loving attitude toward my own death. Death is a way out of an unstable and unsafe place. It's peace and liberation from unnecessary, meaningless tension.

Is this something schizoid? What do you think about it?

0.8% incidence rate is low, but that still means millions of people have it. I would presume there is a much higher rate of SzPD among academics, mathematicians, writers etc.

I can think of Kafka and Perelman as probable examples.

Who else do you think is one and why?