Idk i dont think many others would get where im coning from with this post, not saying my hopes are high that yall would just at least lil attacks idfk.

It has been an insane few weeks.
Theres alot to unpack in the time frame but im here to talk about my pet. My precious girl. She has been a ray of sunshine, and selfishly my reason to get out of bed.. she was also used as a way to control me as dramatic as it sounds. A family member convinced me to stay here by getting me a pet as they were "concerned" about my isolation and my weird life style, she was an excuse to coke check in me etc no they dont care about her and find her gross lowkey. Anyway.

Small town, small vet, small minds ig.. (i sincerely do ask of you to not scramble and pull out random solutions- ive thought of everything possible, ive reached out everywhere i could. Ive done what i can period). This dumbass creature (shes actually freakishly smart, smarter than some people i know)- she began auto cannibalising (literally). She had some lipodema and i guess its been bothering her/ so she decided to start eating it.. one lump legit fell out after i cleaned it with peroxide.... fell out- a chunk- bit smaller than her head.. other one as i was gently dabbing -she twitched, it fucking *exploded... it sounds dramatic and im honestly still shocked bc wtf i just wouldnt recommend witnessing it to anyone.
Oh ofc youre prob thinking "but vet" no shit, that shouldve been the reliable suggestion. Ive brought her over as soon* as i noticed a wound, i brought her over when the wound widened, i brought her over when it fell out. I did. I paid. I talked. He said "shed be fine" he didnt even give her stitches,, he didnt even give her any painkiller NOT EVEN wound dressing. Now im very lucky that a girl im friendly with recently graduated vet uni so she was giving me suggestions, but she hopes i sue for negligence.

Ive slept a bit and taking breaks when shes better, but ive basically been staying up to manually mind her incase shes nibbling, honestly im very glad ive been having no appetite bc id hate to vomit on her.

I do love her, or maybe im incredibly selfish and i need her as an excuse.
But i know that me waiting is cruel.
So the vet said i should diy anesthésia, so thats pretty insane. Idk bout yall but i dont even kill bugs, if any at home i will capture and release. Im not sensitive to gore (shout out to my teen years >!of spending on best gore dot com and olympics!< and shit, honestly dont look anything up especially if sensitive- jve had surgeries and shit we all have innards yk) euthanasia isnt an easy decision as is. Doing it yourself isnt at all either.

And honeslty,, shes alive for similar reasons that i am. Death is heck of a commitment lol,, she has days when shes better, shes eating and she cuddles and i love her and shes strong but i cant be cruel to her. Shes innocent collateral damage in my life and she deserved so much better than me and this and i wish i couldve done better and i still so.

I was given a humane way to do it, and i hopefully will tonight im just stalling. And id looove to off too with her bc i cannot imagine life without her even though shes not really old like that (at least exclusive of her species).
But im prob gonna go on an adventure after, idk i want to live fir myself even if i die on this hill.
But i too deserve better, and i too have been failed by nearly everyone in mylife. And im just a sorry human, im sorry i couldnt provided better ? Im sorry shes hurting, im sorry for making her stay so long?
Idk :/

As in literally ? How do you decide ?
Bc i dont want to do anything, i know im a decent artist, i know im curious and empathetic.

By no means am i unique here but my life has been very chaotic, i was already paying for my rent before finishing school, i missed 6 months, i missed alot due to responsobilities and survival.
Ended uo slipping through cracks and getting a somewhat shady job, nothing against the law lol but most wouldnt aim for this.
Im about to be 25 soon. Since quitting i did study but i didnt live much at all. Had few odd gigs now i work with my childhood friend, shes very ambitious and i like that about them- but im not. They finished law, data processing and now studying finance- we talked about it but they just say "where do you want your career to go" like nowhere. I dont want to be rich, i dont want to be admired, i only want peace and happiness and to be away from my family- and if i get a really good job that would never happen.
I tried move away but he followed across the country. They still try and i do have a good court case that i worked on in teens but i dont see why should i fuck my brother over with my bs- hes happier than me i dont want to take it away.

I just dont know what to do, ive though about offing since 12 thats what i want to do but its not really an option is it. Ive already been having a weird identity crisis that i got contacted by someones quite big for a business opportunity. I dont want * to and its lowkey shady but i wouldnt mind, id be away, id be free. Its a low goal but i dont have any.

Hi listen idk wtf i have or is wrong with me.
Im 25f, my pet is currently very sick and dying soon (i fucking assume). Its graphic and frankly gross.
And ngl i dont regret not eating bc shes diahreahing and im glad ive nothing to vomit on her ..

Idk i have this thing where when im stressed my stomach shuts down and i just involuntary vomit everything back up, even water sometimes. Sometimes it lasts up to few months. I have been to many doctors and hospitals, its stress induced, anxiety; treatment "be less stressed" 😀😐🙃

At first i tried rice, i couldnt keep it down. Moved onto them instant chicken soups, at first i could some then not.
It has been over a week since ive last had any solid food..

Ive been living on coffee with creme and sugar or condensed milk. I know its not enough (at first 5 cups now maybe 2 a day),, i do feel lightheaded, my muscles twitch.
Id prob be fine with starving myself for like few months but right now, i need to be stable for my pet.

I was able to keep down a broth few days ago. Today i made dumplings with chicken broth.
Ive sipped broth, but its the dumplings. Im not a texture person nor do i aim for thinnes (actually somewhat opposite im 5'4 id love to be bigger for safety) (ended up vomiting ngl)
Today i made buckwheat for my pet and ate some too, had a cracker too. Im glad to be improving but if im ti be honest it feels horrible in my stomach.

Its the gluten wrap it feels horrid on my teeth, then the meat.. it has zero appeal.
But its legit been over a week since any solid food and i prob really fucking should eat sm.
but my throat clamps up, idk how to bite it. I live alone and im glad no one is seeing these theatrics :/

Any advice 😅

In teens i did have bulimia, my mom def was a diet gal. Id eat and feel guilty and all that jazz.

Idk what to do.. thanks for reading and your time.

Are there any possible spells, rituals; anything i could do to help my pet ?
Im not even trying to save her life, she just doesnt deserve to suffer like this.

Yes,,, ive obviously tried vets, pet shops and asking breeders. This is a hail marry.

Ive been to the vet over 3times in the span of this week... small town/small country/old school bs, hes incredibly useless in this case. Im furious and tired.

Refusing a surgery over complications; fine, i can understand.. (yea i did pay for the consultations)

But refusing stitches, wound dressing, or painkillers is negligence. Im lucky to say ive a friend who graduated vet school recently (abroad) so shes been helping in ways, but even she says ive all grounds to sue -idc i just want her not to suffer.. i will not be posting pics bc its graphic af, idm gore and myself had surgeries but i am truly disturbed.

Ive been praying, ive been foraging and looking for remedies. Ive had some luck but not nearly enough lowkey. Shes still curious, cuddly, she eats a bit and drinks and still even tries to play.
I cant eat (i just feel too sick - is a stress thing) ive been up for almost a week now, am sleeping but she requires alot of attention. Im fine just a lil too wired or dissociated to feel like shit, all of my attention is on her rn, shes my priority.

I love her alot, ofc im considering euthanasia it seems like the kindest option- but again... the vet is refusing help.. shes 3, shes a rat, she has tumours, she began eating them.. one fell out and is an open wound, one exploded all over me yesterday (i was attempting to clean her wounds and she twitched too hard, im just thankful i was in shock to react in the moment).
Her condition is progressing fast for the worst.
She deserves better :/

yeah if no suggestions to help her ^ but also if anyone has ideas to speed up his karma id also be grateful too. Im morally gray, she means alot to me, and he deserves to pay for making her suffer, ive has a chaotic life already idc about getting the taste of my own medicine either.

Hi i posted here literally few days ago on here. Ive been to the vet 3 times in the span of those few days and shes having a surgery on the 4th.
I do think at this point the kindest course of actions would unfortunately be euthanasia.

Until then !
WTF DO I DO ??? (All suggestions are appreciated)
So she had a lump, and she began eating it. She was finally eating (food) a bit and she got bit messy, went to clean with peroxide that i was given by the vet. THE LUMP FELL OFF with her skin.
(The vet said "no it didnt its still there" lol)

But yeah...
Uh
What do i do with a huge open wound and a rat that keeps chewing.
Ive made an awesome cone and used electric nail files to buff all the rough edges but the lump is right at her shoulder/neck so i cant even put it on.
Im keeping a close eye on her, shes in a smaller cage to prevent further injuries, and shes basically just sleeping and chilling by me 24/7

Ill likely post pics in the comments be warned

Ive been thinking about her for a while, ofc Im aware shes pretty tough, i need that though lowkey.
Im honestly not looking for anything here just yaps,, maybe strength or words of encouragement.

I* take mental health very seriously and been in councelling since 12 (therapy for over a decade now). Ive cptsd from family and my fam is very traditional and old school to put it lightly. Ive stopped fighting with most of them for a while bc its like talking to a wall.

They tried to so a surprise visit and i was freaking out, so i prayed and offered my wine with dark chocolate and asked for resilience.

Got told straight to my face that i have no family here, theyd rather believe the abuser, i dont blame them its easier ti relate to him lol than to me.

But thats crazy, i just wish i had the strenght to undo all the generational trauma but im the only born girl in few gens here.

Sorry for yapps, its been a hard day.

So during christmas i happened to got my hands on a bunch of poppyseeds and i got bit experimental with it ig. It was from my gran lol. she went a bit crazy thinking itd go well with bread and buns but she had too much and gave me a good jar or so.

Originally i infused a hot choc drink with them just to see how they feel, ngl call me crazy but i didnt enjoy the fuzzy warm tingle from them.
But after i made a much diluted water milk mixture for my crazy headaches that no pain killers can help with.

However since then ive gotten much better aches and im pretty sure it has sort of gone off.
Think i tried it a month a so ago but it ended up have a slight foot like kick and just overall not as strong.

I feel like this just sounds like a wannabe edge lord thing but its quite opposite imo.

I am such a hermit bc social interactions just feels its like taking all my energy, very introverted. I did grow up with narc parents, and i noticed as a teen as soon as i stopped reacting to their provocations or just be nonchalant like "ok lol" while theyre screaming and throwing shit, theyd get so much more angry and start calling me demonic and a leech (?) i mean abusive parents just kind of be like that lmao.
However people actually do get pissed off or uncomfortable when i look at them or into their eyes; idk man i like eyes, theyre fun to draw also "windows to the soul". I also look into body language so i do quite literally try to read people. I kind of have a flat effect in my face and not very over physically expressive so ig my eyes are more expressive than my face and the desyn of it creeps people out ?

I recently began playing with the concept of storing my own energy in jelewry or objects to help me not be as drained when having to go to social events, ive been really liking it so far.

I do love nature and very frequently like to "touch grass" and recharge alone. I was touching a tree, in a bit of a trance state ig and i noticed how it just felt warm under the bark, as if it was almost vibrating on the inside. It kind of reminded me as a kid how i used to love feeling warm drinks, just having it in my hands feeling that heat, i did often feel like it was flowing into (i did express it but obviously its jusy like "well yeah the cup is warm, you feel warm")

Also idk my mother was into reiki but im less so- but i do like to "pluck" though-And honestly idk but when theres a sick pet near me i kind of do this weird thing where i move the stagnation and kind of do the weird plucking motions.

Maybe should mention this part too,, this has been sincerely bugging me for years now; ever since little, strangers just come up to drop some random lore bomb onto me. Honestly i find it more annoying than anything, i could be walking, i could be sitting with headphones on, i could be reading, i could be with a friend doesnt matter and its just like "idk who you are ??".
This didnt benefit my introversion much at all lol.

I will say that i had some experience working in social media and as you could imagine theres much trolls online, but ive always liked it ? I think its fun to spar in comments, i get a bunch of entertainment out of it. But sometimes it prob does look like toxic behaviour- personally i avoid the "low hanging fruit" i wouldnt troll anyone who didnt start or bait but i could go for a while..

This is kind of randomly popping up as im starting to work with hecate, ive held my life on pause for so long in fear of attention.. im getting kind of old enough when its getting pathetic, i dont really live, ive survived alot of bs but i just never wanted to be anything like them and possibly hurt anyone.

I feel like i dont have much of a choice but to step into myself, i just actually want to get to live my* life finally..

Anyway idk twilight is my comfort movie i love the cringe lowkey. Im obviously not literally equating pop media to this.. i just kind of never dove much into this rabbit hole before..

My apt is old and theres deep history in this country (also many many cemeteries and expanding near my local woods). Also btw i live alone with a rodent pet (she lives in a cage)

But i felt it as soon as i moved in; it just seems liminal or like time is stuck. I would see many shadows too and strange flickers and it almost always feels like someone standing behind a door.

Also i notice they really appreciate being acknowledged ? For example when i concentrate and study it just gets weird, the athmostphare feels so thick and it feels like some is running back and forth ??
I kind of cope by saying aloud "not now/later".

But i genuinely believed i was going insane for a while, and talked to my gran about it. Shes a slavic herbal woman, she heavily suggested i leave dumpling out (ngl i didnt at the time bc i dont want spoiled foods) but shes often retelling me the same story about a 'domo-voi'. She actually even has snuck a priest inside before to have him bless the apt just in case too.

Idk why recently things just been moving, a display plate fell (maybe its old sure it happens sometimes).

Then sometimes i wouldnt find things where i left them (i have anxiety and do tend to be forgetful when stressing, but i cope my anchoring memories like, "i am placing my --- near ---", its mostly to stop myself for double and tripple checking, like def with "okay i just locked the door, if pushed doesnt budge its officially closed")

Im making this post bc yesteday when i was eating a salad the cutting board on the counter top (i was eating at a table) just fell, pretty violently ? Like someone smacked it down. I just kind of said "okay you didnt have to do that 😑".

Today i was sitting at my laptop doing work (i was on a couch), infront me there was a table (it is most definitely flat). The windows were closed- all of them. And then my lipgloss just rolls across the entire lenght of the table (even if there was some sort of draft it rolled towards the windows). My pet is in the cage and not like she has hands, i was typing and busy- why did it roll ? What made it roll so much ?

I called my gran again to ask her if she had any experiences like this before she said no. But yeah ill be leaving a cup of water and sweets as an offering.

But also i semi recently made a post here about smelling bubblegum/rootbeer and everyone was telling me how thats what embalming fluid smells like.
But also lowkey as a kid ive been seeing a shadow figure standing near a closet - so maybe its a me thing. ( i have genuinely gotten a mental assessment over this and treat mental health so seriously, the medical staff thought i was simply faking/lying about my statement of seeing things/hallucinating because i just dont. Its exclusive to this place in time..)

Okay i was half raised on a farm and half raised in a city, one side of my fam is herbalists and all natural the other side its very pragmatic and scientific and in pharmacy; so i just have a natural curiosity towards these things.

My gran was visiting and telling me how she picked a basketful of this herb for this lady, i be curious and look it up rq (used in depression, anxiety, and sleep) i resonate with all that so i asked for some.

Now before i get into juicy stuff i must to warn⚠️

Do not use OR AT LEAST BE SO CAREFUL if taking hormonal birthcontrol, taking SSRI's, youve issues with blood, have hiv, struggle with stomach issues-
Also please do not take good few days before any surgery.
You might also want to avoid these foods with the combination; aged cheese, fermented/aged meat, soy products, overripe produce, alch and yeast

The biggest unwanted side effect that ive seen and experience is photosensitivity.
For me lights just linger in my sight of vision- ngl havent been outside yet though. But also reports that people physically burn in the sun much easier.

Ive the literal plant; the choice of consumption and extraction matters alot here. Its not very water soluble but theres still effects for me, you could also do like a milk (fat soluble) extraction, but the most effecting is alcohol extraction- tinctures. Depending on method, results vary, alcohol being the strongest would also give you harsher side effects as much as benefits.
-
Now thats out of the way, what im sincerely fascinated by is that it does work, its smooth and subtle but it works. Ive ptsd so im often very anxious about sleep and try to avoid it smtimes to not get the nightmares.
Ive done my share of experimenting and its just like a chill, almost like a benz lowkey but less sedative.

I am treatment resistant, ive sincerely tried many methods over a decade and diffrent combos of prescriptions (got up to over prescription 10pills a day with no to lil effect before quitting).
I seem to have a functional issue with my GABA receptors; they aren't properly regulating my brain's inhibitory signals and filtering out overexcitation.
>!(i find this interesting, i am absolutely unable to visually trip from psychedelics too- and yes lmao i have tried plenty).!<

Pharmacokinetic overview for nerds:
SSRIs are highly pure, single-molecule synthetics with high bioavailability (70–90%) that strictly block serotonin reuptake; they have zero direct interaction with GABA receptors, which often leaves downstream signaling broken if your GABA pathways are already compromised. In contrast, St. John’s Wort is a complex, fat-soluble plant matrix with low bioavailability (14–21%) that acts as a broad-spectrum inhibitor, directly binding to and elevating GABA levels right alongside serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. This distinct dual-action allows St. John's Wort to bypass the single-pathway limitations of SSRIs by directly engaging the GABA system, though its compounds take much longer to absorb (4–8 hours) and aggressively induce liver and gut clearance mechanisms.

Theres said to be withdrawls if relient on this herb, but i think i will be using this. Im currently drying it up to use in tinctures.

Theres many fascinating treatments with herbs available if you take your time to get into it.

But im curious to know if anyone has their own experience with SJW specifically or herbal solutions to everyday issues (being a pothead is included lol)

Im just excited lol, idk anyone who gets the hype over herbs lol.

But i got a basketworth of St Johns Wort off my fantastic grandma !
If anyone has any suggestions for uses im all ears.

Idk she just had it and i did a lil search and asked to have a branch but she outdid it.

Anyway i looked at magick associations but ALSO the botanical benefits.

Yall imma be sleeping good and be protected AF <3
(I struggle with ptsd nightmares- so im legit just so excited lmao)

Im thinking of drying a bunch and using in teas, and making tinctures and i do want to try to smoke it but i doubt itd be worth it.

Im so excited lol im looking at my lil bottles and my imagination is going wild with possibilities

Idk i get it but i dont. The concept is honestly confusing to me ???

I was raised in christianity, i left the faith very early- but the idea of worship exists.
Ive read the bible lol and peeped at other scriptures, vei looked into history, even took a religion course to get the hang of the ideas.

Today if i had to label myself; prob a mix of mysticism and animism. Im not very comfortable talking about woo much so dont judge too hard 🌚
I understand the idea of psychic senses- to cleanse, improve, puzzle pieces etc.

But like how do you connect it all together. How do you work with deities ? How do you worship ?

I def think too many concepts are spinning in my mind and i just havent made it up yet.
I studied prayers and meditation as lil kid, later my mom got really into energy work- i was a curious kid and wanted to read so i read what she wasnt reading too. I personally dont get along with the concept of christianity as im often considered demonic for being left handed and curious - which >!is kind of the least of issues when itd comes to demons ig..!< In teens i had my edgy streak and ive began looking jnto symbolisms are metaphors- branching out to witchcraft and occult.

Now i really appreciate theories and philosophy, im fine with not having an answer, but i think knowledge is one of the few driving forces in my life; so i tend to get in loops or "research" to find out that one thing out i cant figure out.

I worship nature ig. Nothing unique yk, if i get the chance to catch the sunrise id be very happy that i got the chance 'to meet the light/brand new day', i like to watch it set too and sometimes think about things to let go and do. I love the stars and the moon, ive watched them for years as im insomniac af. I was raised by my gran thats a big herbalist so i just love plans and herbs, she thoughts me much teas and benefits, my first friend was a lilac tree 💀 and wind bc im introverted af.
I do write 'thank you's in the ground, and take a moment of air before a brace, walk around barefoot and touch grass.
I appreciate the season change and the 'miracles' of nature, no matter how you cut its still impressive to me how everything works out so neatly yk.
Sometimes (i live alone) ill make an extra cup of beverage to 'enjoy a moment'. Idk my gran actually wants me to do offerings for "visitors" but she hasnt gone into much detail about all that yet.

I know worship is a deeply personal thing or at least thats how i view it or thats why im* bit uncomf at the subject. But how does your worship l'ook' like ? How does it work ??? Do you just show up and assume ? ive read that its just kind of somewhat like a barter system; the more energy you pour into the worship, the more the deity would have energy to 'work' with you. I dont really particularly want anything specific tbh so the idea of "working" with a deity seems a bit off to me.

Idk help lol

Ive met readers who read my cards before, definitely seen a tarot box in my families clutter for a while.
Personally i go for pendulums as weirdly enough thats what ive the most history with.

But i do find tarot interesting and fascinating, cards in general are cool.

Yall ive been dabbling in this for over a decade now im just awkward af and avoid whats on the apps in regarding to these topics; people seem to go a bit feral or maybe somewhat elitist in relation..

Anyway... im just very curious how would yall feel if i posted at some point some regular playing cards used as tools or maybe possible art for original designs ?

Idk i find the concept very fascinating.

I have this pet; everyone who sees her or when asked says- she looks like a "Molly"; which is just kind of random tbh, but she does look a Molly or at least thats the impression she gives off.
I wanted a boy bc theyre a bit lazier lowkey, but this weirdo made eye contact and the choice was made instantly. Shes very asocial and doesnt get along with other rats, she always had issues fitting in- and i did try to cage her with mates but that didnt go well for anyone so now its just her and i.

Ik this is a weird unorganised yap;
but ive often said my rat is a reason for me being functional,sane or even alive- shes my reason to get out of bed. Ive had a good few pets before but i love this crazy lady.
Shes genuinely so annoyingly smart, sometimes is a handful and attempts of my friends babysitting/watching her often ends in chaos and then being out of wits.
She figured out how to open her cage and undo knots, shes does escape sometimes- but she just runs to my room, or the kitchen. She weirdly has stolen before my vape (back when and yes maybe the sweet smell), keys, wallet, and random personal items like toys or statues etc. (Shes getting older now and not as excited about the idea of escaping- i ended up attaching a leash clasp to get cage that would stop her from opening. She doesnt run away often and hasnt in a while even if i forget to attach the clasp entirely- >!simply providing context here!<)

I was the weird introverted kid that would rather hang out with critters or with plans rather than peeps.
Like as a kid i wanted a friend robot to not hang out with people lol- now as an adult i feel strange how thats reality for many.
I love hanging out in cemeteries or liminal spaces, idk it just does feel less stuffy and magickal to me.

Ive always had bonds with wild animals, or be carelessly chill about their presence, like when i was 9 im pretty sure i befriended a wolf- or at least a big dog that lived in the woods that ended up giving this girl bite and she had to be taken to er immediately..

Im now an awkward young adult, im a hermit by choice~ but ive always had pets and simply feel better with animal presence, moved closer to country to be closer to wildderness ig ???

Tbh my mind is not quite made up, but i believe in animism but not quite coincidences. I truly do believe Melly is special, at very least to me she is and thats kind of all that matters.