None of it was your fault.

None of it is your fault.

Absolutely none of it.

I used to be a very empathetic person but now I have trouble feeling empathy. I can still feel it but is very dull. People are very cruel and I feel drained. I don't belong in this world and it is making me sick

These are mine:

-depression

-anxiety

-paranoia

-insomnia

-muscle weakness

-lack of motivation

-hypersexuality

Has anyone else experienced symptoms like this, and what could be causing them? I’ve had a constant (24/7) sense of unreality, fatigue, head pressure/aching, and pain in my neck and shoulders for over two months. I’ve tried massage and physiotherapy, but neither helped. I also tried muscle relaxants, but they didn't work either. I had been unemployed for one year and then i got highly physical job which i did for two months and in the very last few days my symptoms started. I liked doing the job and the work environment/friends were nice. I’ve been unemployed for a couple of months now, so I don’t think it could be burnout or exhaustion. My thyroid levels are fine, too and other blood tests have been ok.

Apologies if this is not an adequate forum to discuss this. If this is true, please disregard.

I have times when I like look in the mirror or a photo and be like that's not me when like it is me but it genuinely doesn't feel right like something's off? Or like I'm sitting somewhere and I look at me legs or hands or smthn and I'm like those aren't mine or sitting and are like I'm not supposed to be here, like this isn't my body? And also like I sometimes will feel like I'm looking at everything in 3rd person??? It's so weird. It used to happen like rarely but it's almost everyday now. And it genuinely throws me for a loop. And it'll happen with places sometimes too or other people? Like "you look like so and so but something's wrong you can't be" or "this might look like this place but it's lying". And also I have the constant feeling of "they're lying, waiting to trick me and watch me fall" with almost everyone. Even super close people and strangers. I feel like the latter is just me being paranoid??? But I genuinely have times when I have to find ways to remind myself I'm human, and in the past that had resulted in SH as I could see and sometimes feel the things reminding myself I'm me. But sometimes it's not just that I'll see myself in the mirror but I'd be so convinced it's not me. It really shakes me to the core especially looking back at times. :P anywho anyone else get this? Or like if I'm crazy anyone know anything about it so I can research it? My therapist is currently not responding to me pfft (summer Vaca since I use one through a college)

I've spoken with a friend who commonly dissociates but they said they experience some of that but the not believing you are who you see or the places or other people is definitely not it.

I just wanted more input and possibly a bit of guidance if anyone does know what it is or just simply I'm fine and I need to get over myself??? Haha thank you!

sometimes randomly when im sitting or just doing really anything, my hearing will go out either in one or both ears, replaced with spoty vision and ringing in my ear. but then i come back. am i chill? can i just ignore this?

Okay i was half raised on a farm and half raised in a city, one side of my fam is herbalists and all natural the other side its very pragmatic and scientific and in pharmacy; so i just have a natural curiosity towards these things.

My gran was visiting and telling me how she picked a basketful of this herb for this lady, i be curious and look it up rq (used in depression, anxiety, and sleep) i resonate with all that so i asked for some.

Now before i get into juicy stuff i must to warn⚠️

Do not use OR AT LEAST BE SO CAREFUL if taking hormonal birthcontrol, taking SSRI's, youve issues with blood, have hiv, struggle with stomach issues-
Also please do not take good few days before any surgery.
You might also want to avoid these foods with the combination; aged cheese, fermented/aged meat, soy products, overripe produce, alch and yeast

The biggest unwanted side effect that ive seen and experience is photosensitivity.
For me lights just linger in my sight of vision- ngl havent been outside yet though. But also reports that people physically burn in the sun much easier.

Ive the literal plant; the choice of consumption and extraction matters alot here. Its not very water soluble but theres still effects for me, you could also do like a milk (fat soluble) extraction, but the most effecting is alcohol extraction- tinctures. Depending on method, results vary, alcohol being the strongest would also give you harsher side effects as much as benefits.
-
Now thats out of the way, what im sincerely fascinated by is that it does work, its smooth and subtle but it works. Ive ptsd so im often very anxious about sleep and try to avoid it smtimes to not get the nightmares.
Ive done my share of experimenting and its just like a chill, almost like a benz lowkey but less sedative.

I am treatment resistant, ive sincerely tried many methods over a decade and diffrent combos of prescriptions (got up to over prescription 10pills a day with no to lil effect before quitting).
I seem to have a functional issue with my GABA receptors; they aren't properly regulating my brain's inhibitory signals and filtering out overexcitation.
>!(i find this interesting, i am absolutely unable to visually trip from psychedelics too- and yes lmao i have tried plenty).!<

Pharmacokinetic overview for nerds:
SSRIs are highly pure, single-molecule synthetics with high bioavailability (70–90%) that strictly block serotonin reuptake; they have zero direct interaction with GABA receptors, which often leaves downstream signaling broken if your GABA pathways are already compromised. In contrast, St. John’s Wort is a complex, fat-soluble plant matrix with low bioavailability (14–21%) that acts as a broad-spectrum inhibitor, directly binding to and elevating GABA levels right alongside serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. This distinct dual-action allows St. John's Wort to bypass the single-pathway limitations of SSRIs by directly engaging the GABA system, though its compounds take much longer to absorb (4–8 hours) and aggressively induce liver and gut clearance mechanisms.

Theres said to be withdrawls if relient on this herb, but i think i will be using this. Im currently drying it up to use in tinctures.

Theres many fascinating treatments with herbs available if you take your time to get into it.

But im curious to know if anyone has their own experience with SJW specifically or herbal solutions to everyday issues (being a pothead is included lol)

I get suicidal thoughts everyday but i don't planon acting on it. Life is not good for many people and I don't like to pretend that it is. Id rather be realistic

Has anyone else retrieved traumatic memories only to "lose" them shortly after?

Hi everyone, I wanted to ask if anyone else has experienced this.

Recently, I’ve recovered some memories of trauma. It’s not just one specific episode, but more like a block of memories regarding things that happened over an extended period of time—so I don't vividly remember every single detail, but I generally know what was happening.

But as time passes, especially by the next day, these memories start to fade. They become so blurry that I can no longer "bring them back to mind," even though I still rationally know what it was that I remembered.

It feels like my brain is locking the door again. Does this make sense? Has this happened to anyone else? I feel like I'm going crazy.

31 M. I have struggled a lot in the last 10 years with a hyper sensitized nervous system, and struggling to properly feel “self-contained” /fully embodied and grounded in my body , as if there became a duality between myself and my body, creating a lot of hyper-vigilance and tension.
This happens to be the same time period I started drinking alcohol regularly, and I don’t know how much of a correlation there is.

When you stopped alcohol for several months or longer did you notice an increased interoceptive ability to feel grounded and embodied in yourself and the feel the “container” of your body? Or no difference?

Hello! A lot has happened, and in therapy I recently started exploring the idea of structural dissociation and I’m wondering if anyone relates to any part of this because I’m trying to make sense of things.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a way of organizing my internal experiences into what I call “energies.” I’ve given some of them names over the years (for example, Katherine, Lucian, and Faustus). They’re like…recurring emotional/behavioral states that have stayed the same over the years.

Katherine is confident, manipulative, and socially skilled. Faustus was impulsive and reactive. They each have consistent emotional and behavioral “flavors” that I’ve recognized for years. Naming them has always been my own way of mapping my internal state, and a way to cope since I was young I guess.

Until recently, they all still felt like “me.” Different versions of me, but still me. I always felt like I was in the driver’s seat, even if one particular energy was influencing how I thought or acted. Over the past few weeks, though, something has changed in a way that feels genuinely new. It doesn’t feel like one of those familiar states anymore. It feels like an older, deeper pattern has become active for the first time in my life.

The best metaphor I’ve come up with is this:

Normally, if one of these energies is active, it feels like I’m in the passenger seat. I can still object, redirect, or take the wheel if I need to. This new one feels different. It feels like I’m locked in the trunk. I still remember everything that’s happening, but my normal internal “braking system” doesn’t seem to engage.

Normally, if one of my “energies” was active, it felt like I was in the passenger seat while someone else drove. I could still object, redirect, or grab the wheel if I needed to. But typically it’s fine. This new one feels more like I’m locked in the trunk. I still know what’s happening. I know the new one shouldn’t have the wheel, but…it’s almost like when it’s in charge, I’m not even in the car. Not in a “I’m gonna wake up 2 months from now and not remember anything because I wasn’t here” kind of way. But in a I forget that “yeah, I have objections to the way the new one is running things.” It’s happened before where I sort of just…forget my brain (my regular self, Katherine, all of them) and the new one is just in the car…alone.

An example that sort of…confuses me is the fact that when this new one is driving, it has no issue breaking my rules. Katherine and the others (even Faustus) are wild in different ways, but…they follow the rules. Stuff like the ethical rules for my spirituality. When it’s driving, it breaks the rules. Katherine, or any of the others that have ever existed have NEVER done that. The behavior itself isn’t what confuses me—it’s that while it’s happening, I don’t seem to care in the way I normally would. Later, when I’m back to feeling like myself, I look back and think, “That really wasn’t like me.”

My therapist and I are considering whether mania could be contributing, and I’m taking that possibility seriously. At the same time, these particular experiences don’t feel identical to previous manic episodes I’ve had, which is why I’m trying to understand all the pieces rather than assume one explanation.

Another thing that feels relevant:

Since I was a young child, I’ve had the same recurring dream. I’m in an elevator that keeps descending. The farther down it goes, the more intense this absolutely primal fear becomes. Not ordinary fear—closer to like the fear you feel when you see a bear out in nature. Primal. But also a bit deeper than that, like it feels the kind of primal feeling that goes beyond any sort of reason. Hard to describe. I almost never make it to the bottom before waking up. Even as a kid, I think somehow knew the elevator represented my own mind. The deeper I went, the more frightened I became.

Recently, I’ve also realized that memories, language, and emotions connected to Ghana (where my father is from) feel strangely “behind a door.” It’s not that they’re gone—I know they’re there—but it feels like there’s some kind of barrier I can’t quite access yet. Around the same time I noticed that, this new internal state also started becoming much more noticeable.

For context, I’ve also had an extremely stressful past few years (DV to the point of fleeing a state, stalked and threatened in two separate states, best friend/roommate was in the ICU, etc) My therapist and I are also considering whether I might be experiencing mania, so I know that could be contributing too. Though, I know my brain. And mania might be contributing to things, but it’s more than mania. I’m trying very hard not to jump to conclusions about any one explanation.

I guess my question is:

If anyone relates or could point me in the right direction, I would love some links to resources! Research makes me feel better and is grounding. Also, has anyone with structural dissociation, ego-state work, trauma-related dissociation, or even just complex trauma experienced something that felt like a genuinely “new” state emerging after years of having a relatively stable internal system?

I’m not asking whether this means I have DID or OSDD. I’m more interested in whether anyone has experienced an old pattern becoming newly accessible, especially during periods of prolonged stress, and how they made sense of it.

Thanks for reading.

I used to have big goals but now I don't really care anymore. Dissociation has made me realize how meaningless life is. People might judge but they never had dissociation

I can't connect to anything. I feel stressed and anxious. Even simple things takes me a long time. I am tired of coping. Should I just end it?

I turned 50 this year, and I feel like I'm waking up from a life I never fully lived.

I grew up as an only child in a home where my father was an alcoholic and my mother was emotionally absent. They provided for my education, but only on their terms. Looking back, I don't think they knew how to raise a child emotionally. Most of my childhood was spent either fighting them. 

I did well academically and graduated from a good university. But while everyone else seemed to know they had to build careers and lives, I drifted. It's hard to explain. It was as if I was living inside a magical bubble—floating through life rather than participating in it. I now realize that what I called my "bubble" may have been dissociation.

People assumed I was depressed, and I was treated for depression, but nothing really changed.

From the outside, I looked fine. I was the person friends came to for advice. Many people described me as a walking encyclopedia. Yet they also said I was "different." Relationships never came naturally. I found it difficult to become emotionally close to someone unless they were unavailable, and intimacy was almost impossible unless I felt completely safe. I reached the age of 50 without ever having a meaningful relationship. Girls always found me strange and can't be understood. 

My refuge became my own inner world and my hobbies.

Years of therapy for what was believed to be complex trauma changed something. For the first time in my life, I cried. Now I cry easily. The chronic anxiety I'd carried for nearly thirty years has slowly eased, although it once led me to become dependent on sedatives just to numb a pain I couldn't even explain.

I've also begun to feel something I buried for decades: anger. Anger toward a father who provided materially but was emotionally absent, who could be violent, who threatened my mother and me, and who left me carrying fear long into adulthood.

Then I lost my job during an economic downturn. Since then, I haven't been able to find the motivation to look for another one. Now, at 50, I'm discovering how difficult it is to start over. Age matters in the job market, whether people admit it or not.

The hardest part isn't unemployment. It's the realization that my dissociative life seems to be ending. The bubble that protected me for so many years is disappearing, and I'm left asking questions that feel overwhelming:

What happened to my life?

What would my life have looked like if I hadn't spent decades surviving instead of living?

Sometimes it feels as though I'm waking from a coma. My memories are painfully vivid. I can still feel the emotions as if they happened yesterday. I become angry over small things. I struggle to deal with everyday problems. Recently, I've even begun experiencing episodes of vertigo.

I don't know whether this is recovery, grief, depression, or simply what happens when someone finally stops dissociating after decades.

I do know this: the pain is almost unbearable, but for the first time, it feels real.

I'm sharing this because I wonder if anyone else has experienced something similar, especially later in life. If you've emerged from years of emotional numbness or dissociation, did it feel like this? Did it get better? How did you rebuild a life that suddenly felt both painfully real and frighteningly empty?

Is this dissociation ending or I am getting depressed? is this life a lie?

i don't know what this is. i have a talk therapist who agrees that i'm dissociative, but i feel like a fraud and like i’m looking around in the dark and guessing.

maybe i just have really bad depression. i'm always low. i have this mode i kick into around people where i appear animated and energetic and friendly, all while feeling trapped inside, like the awfulness can't really get out around friends and family. i’ve been doing better at letting the hopelessness and pain show outwardly recently, though i can only really do it alone. sometimes i’ll find myself performing as if i’m around people – laughing at things when appropriate, reacting as if i'm excited and full of energy, and it's weird feeling myself do it.

i did this performance stuff a lot through school. i struggle with tension i often don't even notice is there until i remind myself to check on my body after i get randomly fatigued when im doing nothing at all, either in public or in private.

dissociation sounds more severe in other people, though. i don't lose chunks of time. i can still feel my body physically, though emotions are confusing for me and like im constantly chasing the trails of them rather than feeling them outright. i have this persistent feeling of awfulness, and then trails of other emotions i can kind of reliably guess at, though they're foggy and distant.

it's possible i'm not even describing any of this right.

i also have ocd, and ocd related to all of this emotion labeling and feeling stuff. but i don't think it's just ocd here. i think maybe there really is something seriously wrong and numb about me emotionally and ocd just makes it all worse. but i don't know.

doors any of this resonate with the people here. i'm tired and hopeless and constantly waiting for sleep

I am a 32yo intersex trans female, 5' 10", 60kg and white (UK).

My medications: immediate release venlafaxine, vitamin D3, only estrogen patches (2 years (prev) 1.5mg, 1 year (now) 4.5mg).
I don't do drugs, smoke or drink alcohol. I am vegan (7 years, 21 years vegetarian) with only D3 noted as a deficiency, likely because I mostly stay indoors. Besides possible Long COVID I have no known infections (I am also not sexually active). I've had chronic visual snow and autism since a child, and a genetically inherited cataract in my left eye.

History of venlafaxine:
I was put on sertraline 1.25 years ago followed by venlafaxine 1 year ago (change due to sexual dysfunction side effect) and that was because I had a chronic feeling of not getting enough air even though my heart and lungs came back ok. I took it as 37.5mg in tablet form. I was not given this med for anxiety or depression, though I have always felt "unease" and tension in my body so my doctor thought it might be good to try, and I was desperate due to the air hunger sensation I have, unaware of the side effects of these medications.

Primary issue:
About 3 months ago I developed this unsettling feeling where I feel like my brain isn't fully conscious, like my brain is messed up and my consciousness isn't fully there. Things seem unreal, and moving from room to room and task to task I feel like I just "woke up" or "teleported" like there's a lag between realising I'm in a different room kind of. This doesn't impair my ability to do things somehow, except sometimes. In fact doing things can help distract me from panicking from the feeling but the feeling is constant. This is now chronic and I feel like my brain is dying and I can't escape. It's like every few seconds or microseconds my brain has gone blank (like a blink) and it makes me hyperfocus on where and how my consciousness exists, It's like the experience I have is fading out of existence, or the universe, or I am becoming a philosophical zombie. But note these aren't just thoughts, it's the feeling - it's hard to put it into words.

Around then I was only taking 1 tablet a day instead of both of them, as they weren't helping with the symptom I have, as per my GP's advisory. I tried coming off them by skipping the dose or only taking half every 1, 2 then 4 days and I developed brain zaps. Now I'm having half a tablet a day as per GP's suggestion, since I'm trying to come off but am unsure if that doesn't make it worse.

I feel like something is missing like a loss of weight on my head, which I wondered may be if that's my brain feeling an absence from me not having a brain zap so much now as the weight reminds me of the sensation of brain zaps and that in turn reminds me of the feel of sleepy hormones in my head I'm on half of it daily just before noon. I was taking the half at end of the day but kept waking up feeling extremely unreal to the point I had panic, tachycardia and high blood pressure (possibly from the panic).

I'm not sure if it's the venlafaxine withdrawal or the drug itself that's done this to me, or if it's an evolution of the sensation I had before (air hunger) that may be because my brain not getting enough oxygen (Spo2 levels were ok).

Honestly I don't even know if venlafaxine is the reason and even if it is I have no idea whether something like this can get worse, be permanent or lead to seizures and/or death like somehow my brain's neurons themselves aren't right. I did also wonder if my loss of sight in my left eye might play a role in pruning my brain function on one side, since I do feel like parts of my brain aren't awake and are waiting to "zap" awake.

Thanks

TLDR:
- do other people with dissociation use lanyards /physical signifiers that they have a disability

- If i use a sunflower lanyard i feel like i’ll be misusing it as i’m not using it for accomodation reasons (except perhaps it might help people be more patient when i’m struggling ?) , more i want to use it to see if it improves fatigue caused having to pretend to be not mentally ill.

- do other people who dissociate and don’t have autism dissociate due to sensory input, find it hard to emote or control their expressions when dissociating, and experience difficulty talking / become nonverbal. Trying to figure out whether these are normal dissociation things or not :’)

—-

I’m currently trying to convince myself it’s okay to use a sunflower lanyard and was wondering if anyone else who struggles with dissociation uses a sunflower lanyard or any other physical indicator that they have a disability?

I have had chronic dissociation for almost 10 years and it’s completely changed how i think, function and relate to people. I think a part of me thinks i function quite well so why do i need the lanyard? I don’t want extra help/support. I know dissociation can be debilitating for allot of people, but personally i feel my dissociation is around because my brain knows i need to be high functioning despite the negative things in my life.

However another part of me thinks maybe it would help take some pressure off. Sometimes i find socializing incredibly tiring due to brain fog /dissociation, my brain literally can’t keep up with people without incurring extra fatigue, and the fatigue and dissociation can make it hard to even attempt to emote normally because i’m trying to mask the fact that i feel weird and tired and my brain is struggling. I also find loud environments trigger dissociation and brain fog, verbal instructions can be hard for me, and i can be quite slow communicating sometimes.

I don’t necessarily need help from people, how i exist currently is fine, but I don’t like feeling like i have to “pretend to be normal”, and hide my cognitive issues, it’s so so tiring, but i don’t think that’s the point of the lanyards. I do sometimes dissociate to a degree that is worrisome and makes me quite vulnerable to other people if they were to have ill intent, and it can shut down my ability to communicate either partially or fully, but that’s not frequent, but i guess it would help to have the lanyard with some cards on to explain to people that i have lost my thinking and communication skills temporarily.

Unrelated but do other people also dissociate like this ? I talked to a GP about my dissociation a while back and they said it sounded more like autism causing dissociation than just dissociation by itself :’) i haven’t given it much thought because i just assumed this was typical dissociation but if non autistic people don’t dissociate like this maybe i should look into it.

For context - sunflower lanyards are used to signify to people you have a hidden disability, i think it’s often used for people with conditions like autism, learning disabilities, pots or seizures so they can access accommodations easier or get help when needed either in an every day sense, like if you’re in a shop or school or airport, or if they are having a lapse in their health it can help people understand that they have a disability and how to help them. I don’t know if they’re used so much by people with mental health issues tho, which is not to suggest they shouldn’t be, i just haven’t heard of it before.

I've recently experienced a traumatic event, and i think ive been pretty heavily dissociating recently, i just need to know if anybody has any strategies to ground themselves. I feel like im just floating behind my body watching it do things while im at work and i just feel so detached. Sorry if this isn't the right place for this kind of thing i just dont know how to cope with this

I wanted to ask if anyone has experienced something similar. I used to speak multiple languages much more naturally, but over time I’ve felt like I’ve lost access to them. It’s not that I never learned them—I did—but now I struggle to remember words, switch between languages, or speak as fluently as I once could.
I have a history of childhood trauma and later domestic abuse, and I also live with PTSD, OCD, and PMDD. I’m wondering if chronic stress or trauma could have contributed to this. Has anyone else experienced losing language abilities or feeling like parts of their brain became less accessible?😭😣

I’m fluent in five languages, or at least I used to be. The strange thing is that I still know they’re there, but when I try to communicate, it feels like my brain just shuts down. I struggle to find words, switch between languages, or express what I’m thinking. Sometimes I know exactly what I want to say, but I just can’t get it out.
‼️Ive started taking Sertraline for a eight month almost, haven’t seen any improvement.