Confused
Hello all. I have been struggling with dissociation for as long as I can remember. I feel like I have been teleporting through all phases of my life and I am sick of not remembering things that are important to me. I recently got sober from all drugs and alcohol and with that came heavier dissociation, and a lot of confusing feelings and thoughts. I hardly remember getting sober, and it wasn't even my decision to begin with. Part of me feels like an angel took over my body because I was running myself in circles for so many years. I recently went on a family vacation, and the entire time I was dissociated, even during fun things. Sometimes I would get bad derealization at random times, and along with it I would feel pure terror or sometimes not know where I was or what I was doing for no reason at all. At one point I was talking to a family member, and then suddenly I didn't recognize her at all and felt terrified in that moment. I feel trapped in my mind and body and I feel like I have nowhere to go and no one to reach out to. I don't trust my family at all because they are the main source of my childhood trauma. I also had this really weird and confusing thing happen on vacation that I do not understand at all and I don't know who is safe to talk to about it with. I have no idea who I am or who the real me is. I am so confused all the time. I really just need someone to talk to who is educated on dissociation and help understanding what is going on.