u/draint0uch

today i "only" overate but didt do it impulsively. i kept it at bay. it felt weird but i am happy and hopeful i wont relapse

and everybody knows it. how the fuck people can breed facing the fact everyone suffers? i just cant get it. this is utterly offputting. still i cannot believe i suffer only due to being alive. the world is completly fucked up.

due to fact everybody suffers more or less, breeding is the more disgusting, because these people have suffered too and STILL have decided to have kids. THEY KNEW THAT THEIR KIDS WOULD SUFFER AND STILL MADE THEM. i have no words how inhumane this is.

and i know it has been said many times here before but it amazes me everyday. i swear.

i always think about food and how weak i am and when i would be able to eat and how many calories it has and i fight not to pass out and i am always low at energy so i can't even study properly.

the older i am the more things i can see. i refused so many outings due to fear of food. i have lost my period and now i am scared of osteoporosis. i have got rid of muscles what has resulted (along with stregnth and energy loss) in joint injury. i have started suffering from reactive hypoglycemia. bu it is still not enough for me. still terrified of buying clothes in bigger size. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME

Czy komuś z was udało się z tym wygrać? Jak powiedzieć stop tym silnym impulsom? Tak, była terapia, niestety nieskuteczna. Nie, to nie jest kwestia głodu. Nie, białko nie pomoże. Po prostu jedzenie jest tak wspaniałe, że ciężko to czymkolwiek zastąpić. Wstyd mi po prostu i coraz mniej sił do tego:((

Today I heard a reporter saying that kids in Ukraine have to be raised in the best conditions because they are supposed to rebuild the country. It hit me hard. Imagine being a human who is considered as a construction material. Imagine being a child who was born to clean up the mess they have made. Utterly off-putting

Moje ulubione to "Zatracenie" Osamu Dazai i "Lato, gdy mama miała zielone oczy" Tatiany Tibulec.

Poszukuję czegoś bardzo osobistego i emocjonalnego. Nie jestem bardzo w tym zagłębiony, bo dotychczas moje główne nurty to były reportaże oraz filozofia. Niemniej, te dwie książki bardzo mnie uderzyły i czuję niedosyt.

Bardzo je lubię, wydaje mi się, że dobrze komponuję (płatki owsiane + skyr + owoce + orzechy), ale chyba jeszcze nigdy nie udało mi się tym najeść na dłużej niż 2h. Nie dość że ma to 500+ kcal, to syci na krócej niż serniczek. Dodam jeszcze, że to jest taki dziwny głód połączony ze słabością ciała (nie wiem jak to inaczej opisać, ale najbardziej odczuwam to w nogach XD). A może tak ma być?

Why does my body fight itself? Why can't I just be skinny? I can't drop below a certain BMI because I lose my period and my knees hurt. I barely walk and faint but I love that version of me. I hate my current normal body. I don't have money for new clothes. Why can't my body just cooperate with me? what the fuck

as above. write your stories

i know i have been elastic my whole life but until i started working i hadn't known how painful it could have been.

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my first job was in retail and required a lot of standing. it was very comfortable to lock on my hyperextend knees. they were always painful. I spoke to my coworkers if they also experienced knee pain but they denied.

i didn't know what was happening to me.

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my second job was also in retail, but much more physically demanding. i walked a lot, crouched, squatted, and kneeled. and something happened to my knees. they started being crunchy and i couldn't keep them straight due to the weird feeling of fullness.

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i ended up at the rheumatology department with knee pain, hips pain and fingers pain. i swear i thought i will be confined to a wheelchair 🥲

they diagnosed me with.. hypermobility. all blood tests were totally normal.

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i lost my job since i wasn't able to do my tasks even though my manager (knowing what was going on) gave me manageable tasks.

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i am just sad that i will never be normal again. i am so sad that the condition is not visible and i have to suffer in silence proving that i am really in pain.

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i am a student and these jobs were my part time. i really liked them. i am sad i couldn't manage to hold even part time jobs. and i don't know if i ever be able again.

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i hate when people don't control themselves. i hate when they do things automatically like moving their feet, sneezing, breathing too loud, eating too fast (i am the one binge eater who is close to biting off their own fingers which is absolutely pathetic), laughing too loud etc etc. when i am in public i control myself perfectly and this is something that i want others to do. i am writing this vent after eating a whole pizza and sitting in horrible stomach pain. fuck me

i have noticed when i am at school on at work (which i dont have rn due to joint damage propably caused by fast muscle loss and amenoorrhea) i dont eat. i starve but i can get busy at these places, drink water and lose weight so fucking fast. and now i have holidays and all i do is sitting at home and fighting with food. i try not to eat but it is only thing that brings me some happiness.

i am so fucking stupid. that disease brought me joint damage, heart issues, 2+ years of amenorrhea and reflux and god knows what else but STILL i love my overthin body and pants falling off the body.

i cant wait to relapse

i should be dead, i am better off dead

i hate myself so fuckin much

i hate femine things happen in my fuckin body

now i am taking estradiol but oh god i wish i didnt have my period anyfuckinmore

so 9 months ago i picked up a box while squatting at work and felt heavy muscle contraction in my thigh and then i realized that something is wrong with my knee since it felt.. weird (not painful yet). things got worse and had MRI: 1 grade torn meniscus, 1 grade chondromalacia, 1mm plica so nothing that could justify (i think so) my horrible symptoms - literally i could barely walk. my knee was clicking almost every step i took, i had a feeling of fullness/pressure in the knee that aggravated with walking and straightening the leg. i didn't have a full extension!

and now, 9 months later, while i am having arthroscopy in 3 weeks (it was postponed 3 times btw), my knee has started... improving?? healin?? just ITSELF. i can walk (yesterday i did 23k steps), cycle, squat and kneel. it is still clicing (now it is more like grinding actually) but much much much less than it used to.

i dont know what the hell is going now. what am i supposed to do? i lost my job due to this issue and i cant wait to get another one but since my operation has been postpoden triple i couldnt make any reasonable move. i am a student so having a job is not my priority but i miss havig extra activities.

how is it possible that such a pain in the neck could heal itself and why does it take soooo long?

I don't care about anything anymore. I don't give a fuck about my career, job, college, relationships, ongoing happenings. I don't care about politics, eternal life, religion and what you think. I don't really fucking care. I just want to sleep forever and never have to fight anymore. I count days to death.

i can't focus on my exams because i am constantly thinking about food. i suffer from BED but i used to be underweight due to compensations. i was scared of osteoporosis so i decided to recover. now i have healthy bmi and my period back after its absence for over 2 years but i want to be skinny and fragile again. i hate a new me. i can't get rid of food thoughts. i overeate every 2-3 days but i cannot purge. i just fucking cannot. PLEASE HELP ME oh my god i am about to fail. now i am sitting sick of food with stomach ache thinking i am better off dead oh lord i should be deAd but i can't even starve myself to death so fucking pathetic AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

what has ever helped you stop eating pls help help help

how can I make food off-putting to me HELP

how can I stop thinking about food

how can I make myself nauseous

I binge every 3-4 days and I need more and more food to be insanely full and stop eating. Today I ate a bar of chocolate, a bowl of cereal, 2 sandwiches with cheese, a few cookies, lunch, a big bowl of fruits, and a couple candies and I don't know what else. I have nausea but my mental hunger won't let me sit in peace. I hate myself so fucking much. I wish I was never born. My body wants to destroy itself and my mind just helps it. I should be dead, I am better off dead. My existence is a misunderstanding, a parody of life. I am 23 and been fighting with this shit for.. 10 years? I used to control myself much better. I used to binge only on Sundays. I used to be underweight. I used to faint from hunger. Now my BMI is about 19 but it is too much to handle. Just let me die in peace

i hate how demanding it is

used to be anorectic, tired, skinny with no period and happy but I don't know what happened to me and now I binge a few times a week and can't even vomit. WHAT THE FUCK I don't even want to eat this shit. help

this all happened 8 months ago when i tried to lift boxes in a squat. immediately my knee went weird but not painful yet. days went by and i woke up on a sunny day barely being able to put weight on the leg and i couldn't straighten it due to stabbing pain on the medial side.

MRI: 1 grade torn meniscus, 1 grade chondromalacia, 1 mm plica.

pretty normal MRI didn't explain my symptoms. i was barely walking i swear. i cried almost everyday. i couldn't even do 90* squat. i had weird feeling of fullness just below my kneecap that got worse with walking and in hyperextension. the knee was clicking horribly almost every step i took! (it is still tho but much less aggresively??)

i was in a dark place during this winter. i lost my job and i thought i would give up on college. i visited 8 orthos.

2 weeks ago i managed to crouch... first time since... October. it was weird. i swear i thought i would never ever be able to do it again.

what has actually happened i can see the improvemetn? tbh - i dont know. just time has helped me alot. my knee still is stiff and weird. it is still clicking, grinding and catching while walking but way less than it used to. i am having the scopy in 4 weeks to remove the plica that is supposed to steal the room in the knee causing those weird symptoms but... what actually happened to my knee in October?

it takes time. this all i wanted to say.