u/draint0uch

i swear i am going crazy why they even look at me

i am just trying to act like a normal person and people actually start liking me and it terrifies me. too much to handle for me. even one man seems to be intrested in 'romantic' relationship while i am just pretending to be a quite normal person.

i hate elevators, i hate small talk, i hate relationships, i hate pretending, but i still have to do it to... well, what exactly? to function in society. when i grow up i wanna be a ghost.

all i can hear they talk about are dramas, gosspis and other natalists's shit (i mean - things that fuel the will to live). this feels unreal for me. i wish i didn't belong to society. shit.

i am 400 elo and i have hit a brick wall. literally idk what to do. pathetic. i don't want to give up on the game but it literally drives me crazy.

Can plica cause knee clicking every step I take? I also have a grinding feeling in the knee when I straighten it while sitting (it is on the medial side of the kneecap)? It is also slightly painful at the end of the day. Can the plica destroy my cartilage? :((

i hate when people ask me about anything (the worse it is the more personal the information is) and i keep lying to them but sometimes i am lost in my versions

about your achievements, appearance, others' opinions or whatever

and I cannot fool myself anymore. I do my everyday's shit just to postpone death and that's it. No escapism, just raw suffering. No people can deceive me. I was born just to die and nothing between. I wish I was blind enough to find my way into everyday distractions.

but now when i am sick it hits me harder than ever before and makes me realize how right i have always been. i am just sad that i cannot be wrong and that i have to face the idea practically. i am just... disappointed. i feel fooled, helpless, hopeless and alone like never before. i wish didn't have to struggle with the idea of meeting the reaper. i am speechless. don't make kids. dont let them die.

after over 2 years she's back! it costs me +6 kg and some estradiol meds but still I can't look at myself. I am bigger and I am sad :(( feel like relapsing again...

living together is much easier financially. sometimes i fantasize about having my schizoid. we could be together but live separately. different rooms, groceries, even laundry. we could be still schizoid and sometimes talk about how it is. we could go for silient walks and sometimes joke. we could play chess and cry together. whoa