r/depression

I have lots of problems. I'm AuDHD late diagnosed with all the effects of a late diagnosis, that is depression and anxiety. I have bad knees. I'm unemployed. I'm on the verge of becoming homeless. Et fucking caetera.

I can fight every one of these battles and those to come, at the cost of all my energy and probably the rest of my sanity.

Or I can just... Die? And voilà, no more problems, no more stress no more pain or suffering. Everything just ends.

The reason why I say that is because if they did I would have friends and a partner already.

Don't you get it I'm incompatible with the human species?

The only social connections I have are with my shitty family

My partner has had clinical depression for a few years now, on medication and goes to therapy, but some things are just not getting better.

We both tend to feel pretty shocked and hopeless about the state of the world right now. For context she's from the Global South, I'm not, and she has C-PTSD from being raised in a country that's been affected by colonialism, war and authoritarianism, and her family's still stuck there and won't likely be able to leave. It compounds her depression a lot to feel so scared for her family and to have this trauma on top of it all.

In our first few years together she was more hopeful and we would go to protests together or talk about politics, which is important for both of us. Now if I even mention any slightly political thing, or if I go to a protest myself, she will start ruminating on how everything in the world is going to shit and it will quickly lead to suicidal ideation.

She will say that there's no point in enjoying anything because it's just a distraction from the awfulness. And that we're only enjoying things because others suffered for it (e.g. phones, art, even food). That what's the point of even working or living because we're creating waste doing so. I think part of this is also survivor's guilt for her having escaped her country and now living in privilege in a Western country, while her family stays there and are struggling.

And the thing is, she's right about some of those things. Our existence in the West IS harmful for those in the Global South. But while she starts ruminating and gets suicidal, knowing this makes me want to do something about it. But I've stopped having the energy for that because her response just drags me down, on top of already spending all my energy (after work) to make food and clean and be present for my partner emotionally as she doesn't have much energy herself. And because she gets into a depressive episode if I tell her I'm going to volunteer or to a protest.

What can I do to help her?

All I feel is emptiness, and it makes me so uncomfortable and disgusted that I just can't stop crying because I hate it so much. I want to rip my skin off. I haven't been able to stop this feeling for three years now, and I'm tired as hell. I self-harm to make myself happy and get over the craving or get drunk to feel something, but it doesn't make me happy anymore. I don't get the dopamine, and it doesn't take my mind off things so I drank an overly high dose of sedatives today. I hope they make me calmer for tomorrow, because I know it'll be hell living as a disgusting human being such as myself. Why can't I be as normal as other young adults without constantly living in stress and anxiety over bullshit that I can't change? I just want to feel calm and at peace with myself without constantly pushing and harming people around me that want to help me. The truth is - I don’t even want to help myself. The feeling of it getting worse year by year has a weird comforting kick to it, but the sick sensation doesn’t go away

I made the appointment over a month ago. I don't understand what I’m supposed to do. I‘m just not allowed to get help at all now. I can’t wait any longer. My goddamn health and life is on the line but who gives a fuck?

I (23F) am in the midst of a quarter-life crisis. I have been struggling with depression since I was ten years old, and around fourteen or so, I stopped caring about my future because I thought I wasn't going to live for much longer. As you can see, that never panned out.

Now, I have a bachelors degree in Communication Disorders. Which I liked well enough, but I picked it up because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and it seemed safe enough. I went to my classes and did well enough in them. The problem is that well enough means I can't get into graduate school, which is required for the degree to mean anything. So now I have a useless degree.

I love to draw and write, but I draw with the skills of a middle schooler. So that blocks me out of any creative fields because anyone who sees my portfolio will notice that. And writing doesn't get me anywhere either with the overuse of AI. So the one thing I'm semi-good at, I can't get a job in.

On top of this, I have no social life. I have no friends because people talking to me makes me want to run out of a room and hide. But at the same time, I'm so lonely that I've ended up in full-blown tears over it. And when I do want to talk to someone, it feels like I'm competing for attention from their phone or the other person is just...boring.

Now, whenever I think about my future, I get a pit in my stomach and start to spiral. I wasn't supposed to live this long, but I did, and now I'm paying the price for it. I can't talk to anyone around me about this because I have no friends and my family just doesn't understand. I've tried talking to my therapist about it, but I may have to switch therapists soon because it feels like she also doesn't get it.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about everything that has happened to me, and sometimes I genuinely feel like I’ve been dealt an unusually bad hand in life. I know everyone struggles with something, and I don’t want to minimize anyone else’s experiences, but when I look back at everything that has happened, it’s hard not to feel overwhelmed by it.
My dad went to prison when I was 5 and was gone for about 10 years of my childhood.
Then there was the sexual abuse. I was sexually assaulted by more men and boys than I can count. In middle and high school, boys would randomly grab my ass in the hallways or in class. When I was 15, I lost my virginity to a guy who lied to me, treated me terribly, and later insisted that he couldn’t have been the person I lost my virginity to.
After that, things became progressively worse. I was raped while sleeping at a friend’s house when I was 15. At another point, because my parents had kicked me out, I was sleeping on a friend’s couch when a guy started sexually assaulting me. I ran away and locked myself in the bathroom because I was terrified.
Later, while using dating apps and meeting men, I experienced more situations where men had sex with me without my consent, including after I had explicitly told them to stop. Some of these men were adults who knowingly pursued me while I was underage. One man in his late 20s raped me after I met up with him, and it was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
I ended up developing severe PTSD. I went through a huge amount of therapy and was hospitalized during periods when I was experiencing suicidal thoughts and other severe symptoms. For a long time I was constantly in fight-or-flight mode, terrified and hypervigilant. Even now, I feel like something in me changed permanently. I have persistent ringing in my ears and sometimes feel disconnected from physical sensations and emotions. It’s difficult to explain, but I feel like a part of my mind went numb after everything that happened.
My home life wasn’t much better. My dad was absent, and my mom was a narcissist, abusive, and struggled with alcoholism. She kicked me out of the house when I was as young as 13. She called me horrible names, including “whore,” even when I was still a virgin. When I was around 7, she became physically violent with me while intoxicated to the point that I genuinely thought she might kill me.
I’ve also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I’ve sometimes wondered whether there is something else going on with me, such as a learning disability or possibly autism, although I haven’t been diagnosed with either. School became increasingly difficult for me as I got older. By high school, I felt completely behind and struggled to understand things that seemed easy for everyone else. College has been difficult too, especially lectures, reading, and concentrating.
I’ve also always been extremely sensitive to noise and sensory stimulation. I rely heavily on noise-canceling headphones and often feel overwhelmed at family gatherings, in cars when the music is too loud, or in other noisy environments. I’ve noticed that a lot of sensory tools that autistic people recommend—fidgets, putty, stim toys, Loop-style earplugs, etc.—are things that I naturally find incredibly helpful. I don’t know if that’s related to autism, PTSD, anxiety, or something else, but I’ve wondered about it.
Then, at 21, I got into my first serious relationship. My boyfriend became physically abusive. He dragged me into his car, threw me against the car console hard enough to break it, pushed me, scratched me, and slapped me. He eventually went to jail for domestic violence against me.
And somehow, on top of all of this, I feel like I have expensive taste despite having so many problems in my life. A lot of that probably comes from my mom. She was an alcoholic and abusive, but she also made good money and would take me to nice restaurants, spas, and other expensive places. So I developed a taste for those things even though my life itself has been incredibly unstable.
My dad is still making bad decisions and has never really had a stable career, so that’s another thing I worry about. At least I’m not in debt, and I know there are things in my life that could have turned out much worse.
But sometimes I genuinely sit back and think, how did this much happen to one person?
I’ve survived sexual assault, an unstable childhood, an absent parent, an abusive parent, homelessness/kicked out situations as a teenager, severe mental health struggles, and domestic violence. I’m still trying to figure out who I am underneath all of it.
And honestly, one of my biggest fears is that I’m going to end up alone.
I know I’m only 24 and have a lot of life ahead of me, but after everything I’ve experienced with men, family, and relationships, it’s hard to imagine having a normal, safe relationship someday. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve just been dealt so many bad cards that I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to recover from them.
I don’t necessarily know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe I just want to know if anyone else has experienced feeling like life gave them an unusually difficult start—and whether it actually gets better.
survived all this—how do I actually build a life now?
I feel I’m unlovable, and have a hard time opening up about my childhood to anyone I’m seeing. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find someone who accepts me.

Truthfully I don’t know how I feel about this( I am on antidepressants). They say that I am possessed by a demon. And I am still so shocked they overlooked the misery I went through and just contributed it to the devil.
When I started laughing about it because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, they said it was the devil acting up.

what will you do when you are in your suicidal thoughts and have no one to share? I actually still have my parents but they are the cause and if I ever look depressed, they will start mocking and blame me from being too far from the religion. I also have a boyfriend but he's just.. there? he loves me but since I'm a humourous and talkative gf, he asked me to change the topic so I won't get too stressed and started to make a joke. I just have no one to share. back to the question, so what should I do?

34M Never had a girlfriend, never kissed, virgin. I work to pay rent and indulge in mindless escapism, video games, adult videos, anime. Only genuine hobby i probably have is drawing. I have MAYBE one friend. Zero family, I have my mom but she is crazy and other then meaningless small talk to don't have anyone to talk to about any struggles.

When you are a subhuman not one cares about anything that happens to you. Clowned on at work by superior men with wives and families. the negative halo effect is real. Sometimes I think oh i have a few people at work that are cool I get slapped back to reality realizing im just a jester clown to these people. Forever an outcast from the normies.

Head of the department is hellbent on automating my current position. There is no meaning to my life. I will never have a family, will never own a house. I will work until I die and I something happens to me where I can't work, get laid off due to AI and can't find another job its game over I will be homeless or will have to self check out of this life.

Sometimes I think that getting some kind of terminal illness like cancer wouldn't be so bad. I am too much of a coward to do it myself. Going to sleep and not waking up would be a genuine blessing. Wouldn't have to deal with work, or my crazy mother, or living this useless subhuman life

Hello all,

Yesterday I got some really GREAT news at work. I felt great for the rest of the day and then when I got home it was like my brain flipped a switch and I just lost all my excitement and joy and fulfillment with my life. Is this normal for depression? I am medicated and the meds do ok taking care of the highs and lows most of the time but it doesn't touch these destructive episodes.

I would really appreciate any advice

Im 24M and never had a girlfriend only sex with sex workers

I will never find one

I've wasted my prime

I don't know how to approach a girl

These are things u learn from a young age

Now it's so over

Im planning to kill myself in a few years

I want to believe that up there I won't be shy and i will find a sweet girl and i will live my life with her

But not in this life

I don’t really have anyone to talk to about my mental health or anything outside of my therapist, but that’s only once a week for one hour. It’s not enough and I don’t know what to do. My depression is getting much worse than it already was.

I haven't been able to get out of bed for two weeks. The semester started almost ten days ago, and I only went to class on the first day. It’s the hardest semester of my degree program, and I’ve already missed so many classes.

I’m not bathing, doing laundry, or eating; every day I tell myself, "I’ll go to class tomorrow," but I don't. Each day gets worse because of the amount of material I’m missing. It’s like a snowball effect.

I have bipolar disorder; I stopped taking my medication two months ago, thinking the hypomania would return and help me get things done, like cleaning my house, but my depression just got worse. I started taking my medication again two days ago, but it hasn't kicked in yet.

Everything got worse two weeks ago when I was diagnosed with periodontitis and told I needed a root canal. The free healthcare system doesn't cover it, so I have to pay for it myself, and it’s very expensive. I work as a waitress on weekends, but my boss is cutting my hours; he told me not to come in this past weekend.

The only good things are having my partner and my cat, and the fact that I reached out to my university's counseling service. I had a session with a psychologist I really liked, and I have another session scheduled for next Wednesday.

But missing classes and falling so far behind on the coursework is weighing heavily on me.

Thanks for reading

I'm 33 years old and I hate how my life is.. I've never had any friends, never had a girlfriend, never had a job and I still live with my mom.. plus another problem I have is how I always get ignored on all social media! I just wish people would have the balls to tell me why they don't like me it's like I keep asking them and they don't want to answer me. I've tried various times to end my life by swallowing pills with alcohol, burning myself with gasoline, and even by strangling myself but yet nothing works.. I don't know if I want to continue with my life at all.

I'm a 32 year old man. I genuinely have no interest in living anymore. I rage quit my job back in May and haven't been able to find anything else. My parents are dead, and there is no one left who can help me. I thought I could just work hard and live a decent life and be happy, but I was wrong. I don't want anything. I just don't care anymore. I don't want to talk to another therapist. I can't afford it and I've talked to many throughout my life already. This world is absolutely fucked.

I'm going into my senior year. I don't have a driver's license, I work 6-9 hours a week and save my money but don't have enough. I've been dealing with depression since I entered high-school, I know, maybe it's rookie numbers, but it's so bad I really can't bear it anymore.

On top of that, my parents keep yelling about how lazy I am and want me to get another job but I think I'll go crazy if I work at night. No matter what I do my mom is breathing down my neck and undermining my progress and my dad thinks he's the smartest man alive and I'm a lazy piece of garbage. My friends don't contact me. They don't remember anything about me and I'm the only one that puts in effort. I have a mental disorder that my mom won't accept and she minimizes all my struggles.

I am not good at talking to people, so I won't be able to do many jobs that help others like I always wanted to. I don't know what to do after high-school, I know I should go to college but I'm so stupid, I don't even know how it all works. I don't know what career I want and can do. I'm average at everything until I'm below average.

I lose my social skills and personality everytime I go out and talking to others is very stressful. I'm ugly and stupid. I don't REALLY care about what happens to me. No one is concerned about my mental or physical wellbeing. I just want to be gone. I want to rest but I can't, no matter how much rest I get, nothing fixes this heavy feeling I feel in my chest.

I have so much work to do in so little time, I just don't think it's worth it.

I think I wanna bleed out in the woods behind my house. Once school starts, I'll gauge how impossible the future is and then do what I must...

I really just can't live like this anymore. I can't do it.

Anybody else just not care about anything?

About 6 weeks ago, I started slipping into one of my Major Depressive episodes and when that happens, the first to go due to the depression is self care. Well, I’m chronically ill with life threatening illnesses and part of my self care is taking my medications. So lately, I’ve been taking them only occasionally and irregularly which is stupid and extremely irresponsible.

One of those medications is a blood thinner called Eliquis. Well, today I had a CT of my chest which showed the reason for the increase in some of my symptoms recently was…MULTIPLE BLOOD CLOTS THROUGHOUT MY CHEST.

It’s a terrifying thought and my neuro is consulting with a hematologist tomorrow to see if I need to be admitted for 24/7 IV blood thinners. But this is all the result of my severe depression. I haven’t cared to do anything. Not even take 5 minutes taking the medication that keeps me alive. I’m so embarrassed, incredibly ashamed, feel a lot of guilt and also just plain stupid.

None of which is helping my depression. Thanks for letting me vent though.

Yeah, my Mom says I'm great and helpful, and my sister says stuff like that...I know there sugar coating it. I hate having autism and I hate having ADHD, its a fucking curse I swear. This is why I know god is not real, cause if he is, he has a sick and disgusting sense of humor.