r/depression

Last year I was living in a beautiful city with my spouse and our pets. I had a part-time job that, at the time, bothered me because it wasn't in my field, but objectively looking back it was very chill and not a bad job at all. My spouse was okay with me being part-time so having all the extra time was amazing.

During this time I was very depressed, and not for any large life event or anything, but I think I was generally unhappy because of how I approached things internally, and I fixated on the idea that where I lived and not working in my field was the cause for my unhappiness, rather than my own attitude. I did not appreciate where I was living and frequently compared it to somewhere else I had lived in the past. My depression and poor-emotional regulation also caused a lot of strain between my spouse and I, to the point where I'm not even sure if our relationship is over yet.

We started living separately and I lost my job and I had to move back in with family in another state which I like a lot less. We talk, but I'm not sure where things are going (he doesn't want to move back with me). I had to leave my pets behind as well because they couldn't be taken on the plane.

Now I am feeling *even more* depressed because my life is objectively worse now. I am upset that I was so depressed then when things were objectively so good and I let myself "ruin it." I also feel like, "If only I'd gotten help sooner, like DBT, I could have avoided this."

I got really triggered because I was reading old messages with my spouse where I was coming home from visiting my mom's state and he said, "Are you excited to be back? :D" and I said, "I'm not looking forward to returning to my depression den - that's what I associate our apartment with."

Well, now I live alone , I'm unemployed, and we might get divorced, so things are a lot worse. My "depression den" was a beautiful apartment in a gorgeous neighborhood with the love of my life and my two beautiful pets, and now I wish I had appreciated what I had when I was there. I've been crying everyday for months.

edit: wow! thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful replies ❤️ It ​means a LOT to me. I will reply to everyone individually when I have access to my laptop again and am home.

hi im 16M my name is Mikeal ive decided today to take my life.idk who will read this but ig in some weird way i want ppl to know i was here that i was real that i existed. its my birthday today i drank some alcohol so id be less scary, i had this thing where i would tell myself the next birthday i wouldn’t cry once but ofc in the end all i do is sob all it does is suck its as if i can never get a happy day about me its not like im being a baby its just all other days of the year suck i have by far the worst family abusive predators and just draining ppl i give up i just want someone to know i did try i really did i feel alot better now actually because there wont be a next year

I feel so hopeless, I have never felt anything similar.
I feel so broken, so left out. I feel like everyone actually hates me. I have nowhere to go. This pain is eating me alive and I have no clue what to do, except suicide. I am just scared it wont work or is painful…other than that I am ready to leave.

Hello everyone, As you have read from the title above I have decided that suicide will be the only option. I am 21yo . My first years of my lige were actually pretty good. I would say that I was pretty happy until I was 18. After that everything went downhill. The thing is I have friends and a supportive family but still I am not content. There are days where I feel nothing, just a void inside me. I don't think I will ever feel that void. So tomorrow I will be taking my life. I wrote this not because someone of you will change my mind but because I want to announce that I was here and I was also someone. That's all.

This is most definitely a cry for help but fuck it, I hate this world, I hate myself, I am a worthless piece of shit no one really cares for.

Bullies, Teachers, People that call themselves friends, people who ignore/look down on me, bystanders, etc.

Every night in my dreams I kill them again and again.

I took a bath, doomscrolled on Reddit. Read about how unhappy people are, how unaffordable life is, how they have to work two jobs and put every penny towards bills or debt. I realized I can’t do that. I physically and mentally can’t. I don’t want to, it isn’t fun or fulfilling. I can’t live like this.

I’m a failure through & through. 26, can’t drive, never had a relationship, unemployed, broke, being sued for debt, no friends, no attachments.

So, I’ve come to the decision that push has come to shove, so to speak. Not immediately, but inevitably and eventually. I’ll be using the button, on an escape pod out to paradise.

I have come to terms with this decision. I’ve been depressed for over 10 years. My depression ebbs and flows, but is always in the background. Things have just gotten worse. Life isn’t enjoyable or fulfilling, I have no hopes or aspirations.

Gonna start getting my affairs in order & make some plans soon. Being a procrastinator has saved my life a few times lol.

Once it is socially acceptable, I will be calling it quits. I’m closing this chapter. I hope I’ll see you in the next one.

so idk what to write hereee but ive been really sad recently and i think i have depression so idk what to really do about it. if it matters im 13f so idk if i wanna live that long if im going to feel like this forever. idk what to do

now i feel even worse. i've been suicidal for a while, genuinely thinking about writing a will or a note or something just in case i suddenly get the courage to do it. i was just talking with my mother a few hours ago when i randomly started crying and opened up a little about the fact that i've been thinking about killing myself daily, she knows i've been depressed and not doing well for a couple of months now, "what about your boyfriend? think about him" i know, he's the only reason i haven't tried to commit yet, "what about us?" you'd all be fine eventually, "no, if you do it i'll follow you" what. you can't just say that. that's awful. what the hell. "what you just told me is awful too".

i'm feeling even worse now. what the fuck. how the fuck is that supposed to help in any way, shape or form? now i'm feeling even more guilty about being suicidal, and that guilt leads to me hating myself even more. i don't want to talk to her or see her, hell, i don't even want to be in the same house as her right now. i've cried so much already and i'm so tired of everything

Just need advice/recs on coping mechanisms other than food, I have been binge eating too much to the point that I gained around 15lbs in like 2-3 weeks, and that has only made me feel more miserable. I even thought of starting cigs because it kills two birds with one stone: I can cope with the negative feelings and hopefully it will kill my hunger signals so I can lose the weight, but I want an outsiders opinion on this, I want to cope, not to further ruin myself

I have no support in my daily life, its just that i kinda roll through every single day, i drink myself to sleep and i just survive whatever is going to happen tomorrow just to drink myself to sleep again. I miss the times when i had someone to support me and care about me, im pretty sure yall know the ball. Its just so fucking depressing to exist in a life with no support nor intimacy (i dont mean it in sexual way, what i mean is stuff like cuddling etc.)

I’m 25 years old and I’ve struggled with depression and anhedonia for as long as I can remember.
I’ve accomplished things in my life. I graduated college with a 4.0 GPA worked a professional job and recently started a master’s program. From the outside I probably looked functional. But inside I’ve spent most of my life feeling like living is an obligation rather than something I actually want to do.

I don’t know what it feels like to genuinely anticipate my future. I can make plans and pursue goals but I can’t meaningfully imagine a future that excites me. Even when I accomplish something the satisfaction is fleeting.

Over the past several weeks, my mental health has deteriorated significantly. I’m considering medically withdrawing from graduate school because I can barely function. I rarely leave my house, struggle to find enjoyment in anything, and spend much of my time in bed.

I’ve thought about relationships, hobbies, traveling, and other things that people typically look forward to. None of them feel particularly appealing anymore. Even when something briefly interests me, I struggle to imagine having the energy to pursue it.
At this point, alcohol or drugs feel like the only reliable way to experience enjoyment. I’m aware of how concerning that is, but knowing that doesn’t make ordinary life any more rewarding.

I know people will recommend therapy and medication. I’m not opposed to treatment. The problem is that I’m struggling so much with basic functioning that I can’t even bring myself to arrange an appointment or ask someone to help me do it.
I experience passive suicidal thoughts regularly. More than anything, I’m exhausted by the idea of spending another year, or another decade, simply enduring existence.

My biggest fear isn’t that I’ll fail professionally or never find a relationship. It’s that I’ll spend my entire life waiting to feel something that never comes.
I’m not necessarily looking for advice about exercise, hobbies, or productivity. I guess I just want to know whether anyone else has experienced this kind of longstanding emptiness, and whether life ever became something they genuinely wanted to participate in.

I don't want to see another day

I don't want to keep forcing myself through life anymore

I want to go to the other side

I've struggled with depression for around 20 years, I only told someone and asked for help 2.5 years ago. I'm now on my 3rd antidepressant (venlafaxine), I've done NHS talking therapies high intensity CBT and neither have helped. My GP tried to refer me to CMHT twice and they rejected both times without talking to me and just signposted charities. GP is still offering to see me but there's not much else he can do at this point.

Nothing seems to be getting better. From the outside I have a good life, good job, nice house, lovely husband etc, I still go to work (well just returned from two months sick leave) and go to the gym. I feel like I'm doing all the things that are meant to help but nothing is.

It's getting to the point where everything seems hopeless and pointless. Suicidal thoughts and self harm are back stronger than ever. Seems like there's just no help out there and I don't know what to do anymore.

Not really sure what the ask is, but does anyone have any advice for getting better or navigating the NHS mental health system as I'm completely at a loss.

Everything in this worthless life is something I can’t truly control. I cannot stand living this horrendous life. The environment specially: a group of people made their goals to make me have low self esteem and they won I mean what could I do? I hate how society treats subjectively bad ( including me) looking people because of their looks and how women and other people use them for jokes as like they are not humans to. I am never going to achieve love as nobody understand me, nobody loves me, nobody is like me, etc. I cannot hold a conversation with a person because everything feels force. I hate living this life as I keep feeling this feeling of sehnsucht when I know my life will never be happy. In my life there is no color, no sound, or emotion. everything is grey and numb like everything just feels like a void like I am a empty vessel. Nothing makes me go around and say “such a beauty” in my life, never as I always force myself to say that. I went in vacation and I was there forcing myself to be happy when I was truly miserable. I hate the personality I have, the way I talk, I hate the way I look, I hate what I think, I hate everything that I have. There is no beauty in my life and I am born in this fucking miserable character and his thoughts. I feel I am not living life but just watching it. I never had a good life ever. I always though life had experiences enough to make a movie out of but no it’s just a boring void your force to live in. I don’t like the life I have so I will give it back. I use to expect life to be meaningful with beauty but no it’s a lie. Life it’s just a routine with nothing out of the ordinary. Life is grey and evil in this environment. I am stuck in this fucking boring ordinary life at best. Sometimes I ask my mother why would she even have me on the first place.

It never is. My life is just bad from every single end. You can talk about improving all you want, and I've tried so many times. But I've realized that for some people, hope just doesn't exist. My trauma will never erase. It will never go away. I just want to die. I can't do this anymore.

i just really want someone to care about me. I can't do this anymore. I am literally crying gor help i am telling everyone that i am not ok and they just don't seem to care and i probably bother them too, my bf doesn't like it when i am sad i ruin his whole mood and i understand that he wants to be happy with his gf because he is sad already with his own stuff but i just can't help it. I try to hide it only from him but it feels like i have a burden in my heart i don't know what to do. i wish i could kill myself but i have my cats and i don't know what will happen if i died. i have none one to take care of them. i have no one in general as it seems. I just need someone that will make me feel that its worth waking up every morning.

So I just had a new job recently and had to quit on only my the third day, due to severe insomnia and anxiety combined with attention span issues and simply wasn't able function because of it. My supervisor, even had to keep repeating steps to me and it's like my mind couldn't register how to process or remember anything that was said and it felt very embarrassing. Keep in mind that I was unemployed for months prior to this and now I'm feeling even more depressed since I'm back to base one. With no job, social circle, or any income. I'm at the point where I'm questioning if I'm mentally handicapped or something, shit feels terrible. Maybe this life was never in the cards for me.

I wish I could just disappear. Not necessarily end my life, because I don’t want to put my family through that or have them feel embarrassed. I genuinely don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.

I feel so guilty for being unhappy when there are people around me who are genuinely struggling.
I make over $150K a year. I own my apartment (with a mortgage), leased the luxury car I always wanted, and finally finished the renovation I’d been planning for 10 years. And somehow, I feel more empty, sad, and alone than ever.

I grew up relatively poor. My entire life, I’ve always had something I was working toward. There was always that next thing I thought would finally make me feel OK about myself. Once I got the job, made enough money, bought the apartment, got the car, finished the renovation, THEN I’d finally be happy. Then I’d finally feel like I was enough. When I was a kid and was being abused I would take every dollar I got as a gift and save it until I had $100 or more and I told myself that I could one day buy something that will make me OK. Make me not be worthless.

But it never happened. Nothing has ever been enough.

And now I don’t even have another thing to look forward to. There’s nothing left on that list. I’ve accomplished everything I thought I needed to accomplish, and I still feel like shit.
I went through some traumatic shit during my childhood, and apparently, I’m still not over it. I’ve been in therapy for 25 years. I take two antidepressants. I’ve done the work, or at least I’ve tried to, and I still have days when I just want to die.

One of the hardest realizations I’ve had in therapy is that I may never actually feel OK about myself. My therapist tells me that the constant self-deprecating voices in my head will eventually become easier to ignore. But that’s such a depressing thought to me. That after all these years of therapy, the best I can hope for is learning to ignore the voices telling me I’m worthless, rather than actually believing that I’m not.
Sometimes, just waking up in the morning and going to work feels exhausting.
And I can’t even talk about it because I feel like people will tell me I should be grateful. That I have a good job, a home, financial security, and nothing to complain about. And they’re right about those things. I know how fortunate I am. That’s part of what makes me feel so fucking guilty.

But knowing how fortunate I am doesn’t make the sadness go away. I see people struggling and I just makes me feel worse, like what is wrong with me.

I feel so alone. I feel worthless and disgusting. I feel like such a piece of shit for having everything I thought I wanted and still being this unhappy.
I don’t even know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe I just needed to say it somewhere because I’m so tired of pretending I’m OK. Everyday at work I take care of people and pretend like everything is OK with me and I’m friendly and smile. It’s not OK. I want to die.

I’m just at a point where I don’t care about anything anymore. I’ve lost everything. I’m beyond irritable. I just don’t care about the world, life, anything. I’m really just about to lose it.