i want to feel normal
All I feel is emptiness, and it makes me so uncomfortable and disgusted that I just can't stop crying because I hate it so much. I want to rip my skin off. I haven't been able to stop this feeling for three years now, and I'm tired as hell. I self-harm to make myself happy and get over the craving or get drunk to feel something, but it doesn't make me happy anymore. I don't get the dopamine, and it doesn't take my mind off things so I drank an overly high dose of sedatives today. I hope they make me calmer for tomorrow, because I know it'll be hell living as a disgusting human being such as myself. Why can't I be as normal as other young adults without constantly living in stress and anxiety over bullshit that I can't change? I just want to feel calm and at peace with myself without constantly pushing and harming people around me that want to help me. The truth is - I don’t even want to help myself. The feeling of it getting worse year by year has a weird comforting kick to it, but the sick sensation doesn’t go away