u/ThrowRA_32432

My partner has had clinical depression for a few years now, on medication and goes to therapy, but some things are just not getting better.

We both tend to feel pretty shocked and hopeless about the state of the world right now. For context she's from the Global South, I'm not, and she has C-PTSD from being raised in a country that's been affected by colonialism, war and authoritarianism, and her family's still stuck there and won't likely be able to leave. It compounds her depression a lot to feel so scared for her family and to have this trauma on top of it all.

In our first few years together she was more hopeful and we would go to protests together or talk about politics, which is important for both of us. Now if I even mention any slightly political thing, or if I go to a protest myself, she will start ruminating on how everything in the world is going to shit and it will quickly lead to suicidal ideation.

She will say that there's no point in enjoying anything because it's just a distraction from the awfulness. And that we're only enjoying things because others suffered for it (e.g. phones, art, even food). That what's the point of even working or living because we're creating waste doing so. I think part of this is also survivor's guilt for her having escaped her country and now living in privilege in a Western country, while her family stays there and are struggling.

And the thing is, she's right about some of those things. Our existence in the West IS harmful for those in the Global South. But while she starts ruminating and gets suicidal, knowing this makes me want to do something about it. But I've stopped having the energy for that because her response just drags me down, on top of already spending all my energy (after work) to make food and clean and be present for my partner emotionally as she doesn't have much energy herself. And because she gets into a depressive episode if I tell her I'm going to volunteer or to a protest.

What can I do to help her?

My partner has had clinical depression for a few years now, on medication and goes to therapy, but some things are just not getting better.

We both tend to feel pretty shocked and hopeless about the state of the world right now. For context she's from the Global South, I'm not, and she has C-PTSD from being raised in a country that's been affected by colonialism, war and authoritarianism, and her family's still stuck there and won't likely be able to leave. It compounds her depression a lot to feel so scared for her family and to have this trauma on top of it all.

In our first few years together she was more hopeful and we would go to protests together or talk about politics, which is important for both of us. Now if I even mention any slightly political thing, or if I go to a protest myself, she will start ruminating on how everything in the world is going to shit and it will quickly lead to suicidal ideation.

She will say that there's no point in enjoying anything because it's just a distraction from the awfulness. And that we're only enjoying things because others suffered for it (e.g. phones, art, even food). That what's the point of even working or living because we're creating waste doing so. I think part of this is also survivor's guilt for her having escaped her country and now living in privilege in a Western country, while her family stays there and are struggling.

And the thing is, she's right about some of those things. Our existence in the West IS harmful for those in the Global South. But while she starts ruminating and gets suicidal, knowing this makes me want to do something about it. But I've stopped having the energy for that because her response just drags me down, on top of already spending all my energy (after work) to make food and clean and be present for my partner emotionally as she doesn't have much energy herself. And because she gets into a depressive episode if I tell her I'm going to volunteer or to a protest.

What can I do to help her?

We have been in a 5 year relationship that has felt loving and understanding, but when we started out I had a lot of communication issues I worked my way through in therapy. I thought I'd got better but recently I've been causing many arguments and stress for my partner.

For context, she has trauma from abusive family and I have ADHD. I'm worried she's settled for me because I'm not as bad as what she's gone through and that I'm excusing abusive behaviors with "it's my ADHD".

Here are the issues I've been causing:

- I'm emotionally immature. I don't really know how to communicate my emotions (or even what I'm feeling sometimes) and I tend to shut down and stop talking if I'm upset or overwhelmed. So usually in stressful situations where she needs me. She's told me it's upsetting and confusing for her.

- I have anger issues. I'm irritable, I get frustrated easily (usually I have it under control but it's got worse in the past month). Usually it's a response to myself making mistakes or breaking something, at which point I'll start swearing, sometimes slamming doors or hitting myself. I've never ever had a violent urge towards my partner. I might snap at her out of embarrassment if she notices how childish I'm being. But still I know it's scary for her and stresses her out, she doesn't want to feel unsafe in our own house. She's told me it reminds her of her abusive family and it devastated me.

- I don't support her enough when she's struggling. She often tells me that I tend to freeze or become passive, asking the wrong kind of questions like "How can I help you right now?" when she needs me to know what she needs. It's caused many arguments in the past and I always defended myself that whenever I do act without asking, she pushes me away if I don't do the "right thing" but now I feel like that's incredibly manipulative of me. She just doesn't want to feel like the "parent" in a relationship where I should also be an adult who's capable of being there for her

- I make things about myself a lot when we disagree on something or argue. Like I'll be really stubborn, not really understanding her point, or just start crying if she tells me I hurt her, and I'll apologise and tell her I promise I'll do better, and then she feels like she has to comfort me instead.

- It's really hard for me to get over things when I'm upset. She bounces back quickly and tries to cheer me up but I just stop feeling any emotions for many hours or even a full day. I tried to justify it as not wanting (or not being able to) fake what I'm feeling but what if I'm just making excuses and really I'm punishing her for arguing with me?

I love my partner so much and I hate to see that I'm upsetting her. I want to do better and I am on a waiting list for therapy again. But I'm scared that I've done more than just upset her, I'm worried at this point this is emotional abuse. Can I make things better?