u/JaySparks21

I'm going into my senior year. I don't have a driver's license, I work 6-9 hours a week and save my money but don't have enough. I've been dealing with depression since I entered high-school, I know, maybe it's rookie numbers, but it's so bad I really can't bear it anymore.

On top of that, my parents keep yelling about how lazy I am and want me to get another job but I think I'll go crazy if I work at night. No matter what I do my mom is breathing down my neck and undermining my progress and my dad thinks he's the smartest man alive and I'm a lazy piece of garbage. My friends don't contact me. They don't remember anything about me and I'm the only one that puts in effort. I have a mental disorder that my mom won't accept and she minimizes all my struggles.

I am not good at talking to people, so I won't be able to do many jobs that help others like I always wanted to. I don't know what to do after high-school, I know I should go to college but I'm so stupid, I don't even know how it all works. I don't know what career I want and can do. I'm average at everything until I'm below average.

I lose my social skills and personality everytime I go out and talking to others is very stressful. I'm ugly and stupid. I don't REALLY care about what happens to me. No one is concerned about my mental or physical wellbeing. I just want to be gone. I want to rest but I can't, no matter how much rest I get, nothing fixes this heavy feeling I feel in my chest.

I have so much work to do in so little time, I just don't think it's worth it.

I think I wanna bleed out in the woods behind my house. Once school starts, I'll gauge how impossible the future is and then do what I must...

I really just can't live like this anymore. I can't do it.

Tw: thoughts of violence and self harm.

Talking to my mom about my sister and my sister always brings this terrible, terrible attitude that sends my stress levels too 100. Insulting me, telling me to shut up, giving me these dirty looks and everyone expects me to not be upset.

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She walks off, I kick her in the back of the thigh, she turns around and kicks me way harder in the crotch/hip/pelvis. I fall. I'm angry of course. My mother doesn't care, she only cares about making sure my father stays asleep.

I pace around the house and can only think of how much I hate all these people and this place and how I want everything to be gone. I want something terrible to happen to them and for them to perish or something, whatever gets all these people away from me. But that won't happen, so if no one else is going to kill themselves, I will. Thats what I think.

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I feel so prickly. How am I supposed to survive the world where people think its ok to act rude and not expect consequences? I'd never cause that much harm to anyone, even to my sister I kick in places that won't harm her and its with the side of my foot for impact rather than making her fall and hurt herself, not that she returns the favor.

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I go back to my room and I just rock back and forth and beat my head a couple times while staring at the door handle I locked. There's so many ways I could hurt myself. No one outside my household knows of my violence or anger problems. I was thinking about how a teacher said I was unique and had a great outlook on life— i don't care about what in earth happens to that guy. I don't carw about anyone at all.

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I just want to live peacefully, I want to have a happy family and take care of people and learn to love, but I keep going crazy and I know my brain isn't normal and I can't do anything about it. I only feel this way sometimes, but its strong and sudden.

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What do I do? How do I stop all these things from flashing in my head, all the objects in the room, hypothetical scenarios and stressors that play on loop for no reason. I just want everything gone, how do I make it stop.

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I don't want to live like this anymore, and I don't want to live as who I am anymore.

- Mine is very irregular. I've never bothered tracking it if I'm being honest. I know a lot of people pay attention to the duration and start, but I just wait for it to hit and don't pay attention to my mood before or after.

- But what I HAVE noticed is sometimes it will just skip large portions of time. Like, 3 months at a time.

Every once in a while there will be a day I use the restroom and a little something is there but then I'm clear for the rest of the week.

- OR, When I think I'm due to have one it shows up as every 2 days, so I'm confused as to how much I should commit to handling it.

- It's been like this since I got it, and I got it later than most at 14. NOW, it seems like I've had an off-and-on period for this entire month, but its never enough to do anything about until suddenly one day its heavy and more like other people's.

Why is it so irregular? I'm not changing anything in particular. Any info or guesses would be helpful, thanks!

I was working on something for hours and was being stupid and didn't save it and suddenly it closed my score for no reason and opened a different one in its place. Now its GONE and I need it back. Its nowhere to be found. I was working on this for hours, I know its my mistake not saving it, but this has never happened before.

How do I live without something to love? That's my question.

(Except my dog) There's not one person on this earth I can think of that I would stay for. I love humanity, I also hate it. I feel outside of all other people. I don't love anyone. My heart doesn't care for anything.

Story: (can skip)

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I think I was in love once or twice before— it was more of me getting excited for attention and wanting more and more of it. It was exciting because I couldn't have it. I fantasized being treated as an equal by these people. I wanted them to think about me and remember me in any way, until I got into high school and all of a sudden, I didn't care anymore.

I always wanted friends to think I was noble in some way, or that I was responsible, caring, and smart. I wanted teachers to believe I was sympathetic and sensitive (which I am rather sensitive) but now, I don't really care if people know how much I don't care.

My family? I've had a rough relationship with them since I started middle school. I was confused about peers, lonely, and isolated, and they only blamed me and my character. I grew up to find some of their flaws as unforgivable or "not worth it." They spent so much of my childhood saying I didn't love them (which I always found it awkward to say) until one day, it was true. I didn't.

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End of story:

This might sound like because I don't love anything or anyone, I view myself as better than others, but I don't.

Love is a good feeling to feel. What is a life without love? If there's nothing in the world, we have love, right? Wrong. I don't. It's yet another thing I'm lacking and its the very thing that should be giving my life meaning.

Am I a sociopath? Have I gone that far? Even as a kid, I wanted bad things to happen to me and others and, while I always did the right thing and was nice, I didn't actually feel anything in my heart. I feel no empathy. Is this something to do with being in the spectrum? Or am I truly that far gone.

Please help me know this. What is wrong with me, and how do I live without something to live and love for?

I don't want to drink water, I don’t want to wash myself, I don’t want to text, I don’t want to play games or listen to music, I don’t want to read, I don’t want to eat meals. I lay in bed and wait for time to pass, I scroll on my phone for hours- but its not even fun, so I stop, but then I have to be awake, and I don’t want to be awake.

I'm supposed to be thinking, I'm supposed to be planning what I'm going to do for schooling or a job, or a future career, but I can't seem to think past today.

I don't want to hang out with anyone, and I don't want anyone else to try and hang out with me.

I'm supposed to working on writing a movement to a symphony for my school— people are relying on me right now and all I do is star the email that tells me all the responsibilities I have to do right now.

I've only worked 2 days this week, but I'm so done with it all. I'm not happy with my behavior at all, and I'm still functioning to look presentable and happy in the real world, but I really don't want to do anything at all anymore.

I've felt this way for a long time, but now I have nothing to distract myself with as no one is checking in on me or wanting to hang out.

I feel incredibly stupid. How do I change?

*edit: i meant drinking water and stuff for my wellbeing, I don't do alcohol or anything

I hate when people tell me to get a hobby. I have so many hobbies and things I'm good at. I've done so many great things and have stuff to show for it.

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I hate when people tell me to move around more— I know it helps with hormones and serotonin, but I've competed in sports and been out and about with using my body in sailing and running, it doesn't make this feeling go away.

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I hate when people tell me "you need to eat something" like being a little thirsty is why I feel like this all the time. I had a friend tell me i had to lower my expectations in life when I'm already planning on dying and then she tells me I should drink water and take a break since I'm suddenly grumpy.

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My mom and dad say I'm lazy, and its true, I can't make myself do anything anymore, but they start telling me its about my age group and teens being addicted to their phones. I was making childish plans to live in a dream forever long before I ever had a phone. People my age are really productive, it's not an age issue, its a me issue. My brain or whatever on earth it is.

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I hate how everyone just attributes my anger to me having a bad character. Everyone else is allowed to be negative besides me because the second I don't look happy, I'm getting yelled at for "trying to ruin everyone's mood" and "starting fights" when all I was doing was looking off into the distance at some clouds or something.

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Everyone thinks that because i have trouble with something— that I'm not trying. And rather than labeling me as stupid, which honestly I'd prefer, they say I'm being lazy and not putting my mind to it.

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I hate how everyone assumes I'm so black-and-white. No one thinks I have any real feelings because I act different from them. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but everyone just dismissed anything that I may feel or assumes I can't ever be sad about something. No one thinks I can love anything or be depressed in any way.

Everyone just thinks I'm a flat character with no depth or feelings, and that itd be impossible for someone like me to feel this way.

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Its been years, man... I've been living with my stupid head for years and I really can't take it anymore.

I really can't.

And the worst part is (despite people thinking I'm incapable of feeling these meaningful feelings) is that when I die, they'll blame me for:

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Not having enough integrity or grit

Being to lazy

Being so negative and only seeing the worst in people (which is wrong)

Trying to prove a point

Trying to ruin everyone else's life

Trying to make a statement or simply throwing my life away for the heck of it.

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I bet they'd say my death came out of nowhere. Someone like me would never commit, or when I do— they'll talk about how impulsive and crazy they always said I was. They'd take everything I've told them when I was asking for help and use it to explain how I was truly doomed from the start.

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[Solved] I heard a conversation between some friends of mine and they said basically,

The main character can't really die, and if they do die, they just come back.

The entire world has some certain ability, they said something about knowing the difference between sugar and salt, (idk if that was from this or an example)

And if the main character dies, they will just get the ability back anyway.

Please and thank you!

I don't want to drink, I don’t want to wash myself, I don’t want to text, I don’t want to play games or listen to music, I don’t want to read, I don’t want to eat meals. I lay in bed and wait for time to pass, I scroll on my phone for hours- but its not even fun, so I stop, but then I have to be awake, and I don’t want to be awake.

I'm supposed to be thinking, I'm supposed to be planning what I'm going to do for schooling or a job, or a future career, but I can't seem to think past today.

I don't want to hang out with anyone, and I don't want anyone else to try and hang out with me.

I'm supposed to working on writing a movement to a symphony for my school— people are relying on me right now and all I do is star the email that tells me all the responsibilities I have to do right now.

I've only worked 2 days this week, but I'm so done with it all. I'm not happy with my behavior at all, and I'm still functioning to look presentable and happy in the real world, but I really don't want to do anything at all anymore.

I've felt this way for a long time, but now I have nothing to distract myself with as no one is checking in on me or wanting to hang out.

I feel incredibly stupid. How do I change?

I'm 17, graduating 2027. I'm so tired of all these things. I can't put a name on the feeling I have, the feeling is simply "done." From the first week of school to now, I have felt off and on suicidal thoughts, but this time, I don’t feel like they might be irrational. Living is too expensive. I cannot afford to live as an adult. I'm not there yet, but I know.

People always irritate me. I cannot change their behavior, I know, I can only change my reaction. I don't react in the moment at all, I just add it to my list of reasons.

What is it that I'm tired of?

I'm tired of my lack of emotion. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of being below average in every field. I'm tired of being an eyesore and caught experiencing life. I'm tired of feeling like I don't have the right to be present or enjoy myself.

I will eventually be poor and will have not been able to travel the world. I cannot communicate with people as well as others can, so I will not make any friends and will be alone at a workplace. I will be disappointing myself by moving forward from this day.

I think I might find a way to end my life this summer or maybe after next school year starts.

I'm never happy. I'm nothing special and I'm too ugly to ask for the pity of others. I have very little emotions and I don't feel any love for anything in my heart. I'm tired and can't lean on anyone.

I don't know how to do anything. I'm not good enough at school. I've got a 3.61 GPA but I'm just generally stupid and it's all catching up to me. If something falls through and it turns out I'll have to spend too much on car insurance (I haven't even gotten my permit) or college / I don't get any scholarships, I think I'll just commit suicide before I have to make any large payments.

I wish I cared. I wish I could come home and hug someone for hours and just go to sleep. But I can't. I have to come home and eat or go to work. No one at my job likes me. I'm more different than anyone else and was only hired because my mom is a manager at a different store. Everyone is all popular kids and I don't know how to talk to people so I just stand alone by myself and clean or think about how I want to die while selling ice cream.

My two managers are the only people who ever talked to me, plus a coworker that already quit, but they're all quitting (one in May, one in june)

I'll have no one. No one will want to talk to me or remember what we talked about on my previous shift.

None of my teachers think I'm special, and most of them don't even talk to me. I only have one friend here, the rest tire me and make me feel sour. But I've been such a drag, I'm sure she would understand why I did what I did.

My old friend has been moved schools 3-4 years ago and she's so responsible and talented. She's doing so good, I can't bother her. Plus I don't want her to tell my mom what I'm thinking of if I say it.

If my parents find out and make a big fuss about it, I'll do it earlier. I don't like them very much, so their worry will be wasteful and I'd rather not have it.

Every day, I just can't stop thinking about it, but there are no mountains or cliffs where I live. How do I die? I don't know how to without traumatizing everyone. I can't stop thinking about it. All day long even at school I'm hiding these feelings and looking out the window almost falling asleep to the thought of jumping, but I know I'd survive the fall. I really can't stop thinking about it.

I will quit while I'm ahead. This year. I'm graduating next year and the struggles will only continue.

I will commit suicide soon and I will save myself from the anticipation.