r/selfhelp

So the other day (this Monday as of posting) me (15m), my brother, and my stepdad were watching a show together, and he got a call from my mom he had to take. Normally if he has to listen, he asks us to pause it, but he got up and walked away. Cut to an hour later and I’m in my room (I got bored waiting), and my mom walks in, which I didn’t expect as she said she was going to be at a club thing all night. I don’t think much of it and she tells us to come upstairs. She tells me that one night, my dad was out at his apartment’s pool when they had to chase him out. The next morning, he didn’t come to work, so the company he works for called his apartment complex, and they checked his room. They found him, and he was gone. It’s been a few days and his funeral is next week. My parents were divorced so I was only with him every other weekend, but this was so sudden I dont know what to do

Sorry if this is really long I just needed to get this out there

Hey y'all! New to the reddit. I'm curious what coping strategies are most effective for y'all. Hoping that this can turn into a list for anyone else that ends up struggling in the future.

I’m wanting to learn the power of “letting go” and hoping for any personal tips or books or anything I can look into to help me get better at it.

I tend to have strong feelings towards different matters - sometimes justified, sometimes not. I know these feelings aren’t necessarily ‘wrong’ but I’ll let the feeling bother me for so long until it’s basically consuming. I just don’t seem to know how to let it go of change my thinking.

I’d like a book to read to help me learn more but also open to any personal tips that anybody wants to share as well

Im a chronic fuckup, always have been. While part of it could be because of my intense cptsd its not an excuse. I've been unemployed for 2-3 years now leeching off of my husband who works day in and day out to support me and our animals and while I do make some money off my art its not close to being a job substitute. I lie about things to self preserve (cptsd thing) which isn't great in a relationship. Im probably the worst cook ever, im horrible at cleaning, I half ass taking care of our animals which I am the only one taking care of since my spouse works all day.i fall asleep mid day, I dont notice things,im clumsy, im not the smartest, im extremely forgetful. When I do work I get intense anxiety after every single mistake I make in a job that I start spiraling into thoughts of all my coworkers hating me and that they're going to fire me that I end up quitting. My spouse has been so patient with me and trying to help me the best they can for the 6 years we've been together but it just gets to a point. I provide nothing but stress to the relationship and my spouse has said if I dont become better we'll divorce. Without them I really have nothing I have no family whatsoever so id be left on my own. I want to be better so bad but I dont know how

I'm not doing okay.

I’m currently in Grade 12, and I’ve been feeling extremely burnt out with school. I procrastinate a lot, and I’ve also become overly reliant on ChatGPT for my assignments. I’m fully aware of the effect it has had on me. I feel like I can no longer form decent paragraphs or organize my thoughts properly without relying on it, and sometimes I genuinely feel like I’m getting dumber.

My parents often call me lazy because I procrastinate with house chores as well. Sinasabi rin nila na pampagulo ako ng bahay because I keep putting chores off. They have to repeat their instructions multiple times before I actually do them, so eventually napipikon sila. I understand why they get frustrated, and I know that I have to take responsibility for that.

I’m almost in college. That honestly scares me even more because I feel like I’m supposed to be preparing for adulthood, yet I feel like I’m becoming more dependent, more burnt out, and less capable of doing things on my own.

The worst part is that I’m aware of all of this, but knowing that I have a problem doesn’t seem to be enough for me to change. I procrastinate, feel guilty about procrastinating, become overwhelmed by the guilt, and then procrastinate even more. It feels like I’m stuck in this cycle.

I don’t know if this is burnout, lack of discipline, academic pressure, or something else. I don’t want to use any of these as an excuse for my behavior because I know I still have responsibilities and flaws that I need to work on. But I also don’t know how to get myself out of this anymore.

I guess I’m scared that I’m becoming a worse version of myself. I want to be able to think and work independently again. I want to be productive without feeling like my entire worth depends on academics.

And the thing is, this isn’t actually the first time I’ve felt like this. I’ve noticed that these feelings usually come back whenever I feel like I’m being left behind by my peers, or whenever I start comparing myself to them too much.

I’ll see other people doing well academically, being socially confident, managing their responsibilities, or simply seeming like they have their lives together, and I start questioning why I can’t be like them. I become hyper-aware of everything I think I’m lacking, and eventually it turns into this feeling that there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.

It’s almost like the more I compare myself to other people, the worse I perform. Then I feel even more behind, which makes me compare myself even more. I know logically that everyone has their own pace, but I have a really hard time actually believing that when I’m in that mindset.

For those who have experienced something similar, how did you get yourself back? How did you deal with burnout, procrastination, and feeling disconnected from your peers? I’d genuinely appreciate any honest advice or perspective.

i’m gonna be 17 in september and i just realized that next year i’ll be a grown adult. i’m growing up. i’ll be graduating (maybe), driving, working a job, applying or going to college, moving out, and just all these horrible things that i didn’t expect to be doing so soon.

time feels like it’s going too fast now. i didn’t realize how much older ive been getting. i’ve been so stuck in my own head dealing with depression, anxiety, loneliness, and all these other things that have to do with my mental health for the past 6 years that i didn’t even realize i’m genuinely about to become an adult and have my life completely flipped on its head. i’ve become self aware of where i am in life.

i feel terrible and miserable and left behind. i still feel like a little kid. i’m over here in my room playing video games and drawing and rotting in bed while scrolling instagram when i could be doing anything else at my age. anything productive, anything that will help me with my future prospects. but no, i’m still acting childish and not doing anything with my life. i’m failing at school, i’m failing at social life, i’m unemployed, i can’t drive, i can’t do anything.

what am i supposed to do? i’m gonna have to move out already at 18 right?! i’m gonna have to already be working by then. i’m gonna have to be paying bills and taxes or whatever the hell adults do. i’m gonna have to go to college. i can’t handle that. i can’t even handle ordering food at a restaurant by myself or being in a loud classroom. i can’t even handle school in general.

life is going too fast. i feel so overwhelmed right now. any adults out there, give me some advice! i don’t want to grow up, i don’t want to be an adult. how did you guys handle becoming an adult? is it awful? have i already wasted my teenage years away? what should i do right now?

due to my depression, ive always thought my life would end before i turned 17-18. but my birthday is less than a month away. of course my death could still happen, but it seems a little less likely due to other personal things happening. and because of that, i’m stressing tf out.

any responses would be appreciated, thanks for reading. <3

I am 19 years old and I want to get my shit together for once. I want to better myself, become the man that every guy strives to be, and set myself as well as my family up for life. I'll be honest, I've NEVER been the most motivated or self disciplined. For years that is what I've strived for, is just a little motivation, but I am realizing that it will never just fall into my hands and I need to take action now. I want to wake up in the morning and strive for success, I want to workout, eat healthy and right, clean my house, perform good personal hygiene, and take care of myself. For so long, all of this and more has been so difficult to even push myself to begin somewhere. I just recently got fired from my job and yeah it sucks for sure. I feel like a bum and a disappointment to myself along with those around me. I don't want to be that guy, I wanna be the guy that someone looks at and thinks "wow.. how do I become like that?" Honestly it feels corny thinking like this, feeling like this, but I need something to push myself forward. Im going to start trying to write a motivational journal for myself, along with opportunities that could potentially set me up financially in just a few years. Yeah, there's a good chance I could just give up this little strive for success in just a few days, but I hope that doesn't happen. Out of all, I just ask for the people that read this to give me advice to continue this drive, continue this adventure and lock in. Could you also give me ideas of a possible business to look into? Ive always wanted to work towards a long term business or something that takes a lot of patience. For example, day trading (not the best option at the moment), online business, business automation, freelance programming, local business services, skilled trades, e-commerce brand, investments. Anything helps! I hope to hear what people have to say🙏

TW: vent entirely surrounding sexual trauma.

I feel like I know the answer, but I’ve been ruminating for way too long and honestly crave someone else’s perspective. Google says she was but that validation’s kinda impersonal and the AI nonsense doesn’t help.

Anyway. I’m a 20 year old woman now, but all of my separate sexual trauma has been haunting me for the past week or so. More than the baseline. It’s annoying. It has me considering my wretched mother too. Most of my issues with her are emotional- her clear resentment of me, the scapegoating, the hitting, the neglect, the whole shebang. I’ve been thinking back on the sexual stuff too.

I have memories from the ages of 8-14 of her groping and squeezing my backside. Fondling? It was a habit, almost. I also remember tearing up and begging her to stop. And her maniacal laughter. I forgot what her justification was, if there was any.

From my understanding, she’d primarily do this when there weren’t any other people around. She wouldn’t lead me to her bed or anything- remember being in the kitchen so many times and her popping up behind me. Micromanaging what I was cooking or planning on eating or even yapping about how much I resembled a grandmother with my hair in a low ponytail like that as per usual. All of a sudden, she’d just reach down and squeeze my backside. Like it was some kind of joke. Often with random comments attached that I can’t remember.

This went on for years. I don’t think anyone her. She’d also make weird comments (once remarked that my red underwear was visible through my lighter pajamas and strangely, my father actually told her to stop). IDK whether he was aware of the constant groping or not. She also once said I’d make a lot of men happy one day when I happened to be kneeling on the counter cleaning something. I was fourteen at most.

I guess I came on here to ask if this qualifies as molestation. Again, I’m pretty sure I know the answer, but I long to hear it from a human being.
Sorry for rambling. One more thing before I finally end this ridiculously long ask: I’m considering pursuing criminal charges.

Not right now; in a couple years. Apparently, the state of NY has extended the window for survivors of child sexual abuse to report it. Suing her would likely be easier but I want her in jail.

According to the minimal research I’ve done, it’s possible that what she did could be prosecuted as a Class D felony. Up to 7 years in prison plus sex offender registry. I think it’s called course of sexual conduct against a child, second degree? IDK much.

The consequences of this would extend far beyond the court-ordered ones, so I will have to think about how that’ll pan out as well. I do have a little sister to worry about too.

Again, sorry for rambling. I think I’m just trying to make sure Google was actually right.

This is really embarrassing, but please, please tell me the truth if you’re reading this. I can’t handle not knowing if “you look just like your mom” means “you look like a child molester” too.

My partner 36m and I 37f have been together going on 12 years. The past two years he has been accusing me of sealing his medication, breaking into his safe, cheating on him, among other things. It's become almost a daily thing. I have never done one of the things he's accusing me of and he's broke my heart with some of the hurtful things he says when he's angry. I don't remember what the happy me is like, my spark is gone. But then there are the times when he's the man I fell in love with and I tell myself the pain is better than being alone. My dad died of cancer when I was 22 and he was the only person to understand my grief and how I dealt with it. Like a song you've never heard but you know all the lyrics to. I poured into him when my cup was empty and now I don't even know who I am. We haven't been able to conceive and our biggest dream has always been to be parents. So that weighs on both of us. I love him but I don't love myself anymore and some times I just want everything to end. I have intrusive thoughts all the time. I'm completely isolated from the world with no friends, no job, no money, or car. He's always taken care of but hes become very controlling of that too. It's the most hopeless, lonely feeling. I'm sorry I'm just yapping on and on I just feel clueless as to what to do. I find myself calling the s hotline more than any friends I ever had. Why does he do this to me?! I ask myself that daily as I weep till my eyes burn from the tears. I went to leave...I found a bed at a homeless shelter, and he begged me not to leave him as he cried crocodile tears, promising me he would change. I stayed and now I hate myself for it but I still love him so much, it's so hard. We had an amazing 9 years out of the 11 and I guess I just tell myself things are gonna change. If you've ever been in a situation like this or just wanna give advice, I could really use it. Thank you in advance

these last 3 years of my life has been the worst. i go 1-3 days and then relapse or sometimse 4 but thats it. longest i've gone is 9 days when i really liked a girl, i just didnt even think about porn but of course it didnt go well cuz im a fucking loser this addiction is ruining my life in every aspect. i tried everything, tried to stop using my phone but at the end i still pick it up. and if someone says "try replacing it with a hobby" i have several of them but when i get the urge, i just forget all about it. idk what to do

I’ve noticed something about myself that I don’t really understand. Most of the time I’m perfectly fine with myself and can talk to people normally, but around certain people, something completely changes. I suddenly become awkward, overthink everything I say, and sometimes I even put myself down or make myself look smaller than I actually am. The worst part is that I feel like I make my insecurity obvious, even though I don’t want to.

Then when I’m alone again, I start thinking about everything that happened and wonder why I acted that way. I’ll replay conversations in my head and think, “Why did I say that? Why did I make myself look insecure? Why couldn’t I just act normally?”

It’s frustrating because I know I’m capable of being confident. It’s not like I feel insecure around everyone. It seems to depend on the person or the situation, which makes me wonder if I’m somehow subconsciously intimidated by certain people or worried about how they perceive me.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you stop yourself from putting yourself down or becoming awkward around people who trigger your insecurities? I’d really like to understand where this comes from and how to break the habit.

I need advice on navigating disclosure about problematic behavior from my childhood, particularly regarding relationships and sexual intimacy.

Background: Between ages 8-13, I engaged in several instances of harmful non-consensual sexual behavior toward others. I won't minimize or excuse these actions. Specific incidents include:
Age 10: Touching someone without consent while they were asleep, including an attempt to remove their pants (did not succeed)
Ages 12-13: Non-consensual dry humping of classmates without their knowledge
Early adolescence: Additional repeated incidents of unwanted physical contact similar to above
Various times: Voyeuristic behavior and invasive touching (brushing hands against breasts/chest area, looking through clothing)
These were not peer-to-peer explorations — they involved clear lack of consent and power imbalances.
Since then:
I've made amends with some affected parties who have forgiven me
The behavior stopped completely years ago
I have no current harmful urges or risk factors
I understand healthy boundaries now and have no intention of repeating this

However, in working to understand myself, I recognize possible contributing factors from my childhood:
Early exposure to pornography (before age 10) before I had the maturity or context to process what I was seeing
Possible lack of impulse control at that developmental stage
Other childhood experiences that may have shaped my understanding of boundaries

My Situation: I'm a university student with no prior dating or intimate experience. As I consider moving forward with relationships, I'm struggling with several interconnected concerns:
My Main Concern (Sex & Disclosure): Every time I think about dating and intimacy, I freeze up wondering whether I should disclose this past before becoming physically intimate. If I don't disclose before sex, I worry it feels like deception—like my partner couldn't give fully informed consent about physical intimacy. But if I do disclose, I'm afraid of rejection before giving us a chance, especially since this behavior is resolved and years old.
My Other Concerns:
Therapy Access: I've been advised to see a therapist but am not in a position to do so right now. Does the absence of professional support mean I should pause dating entirely, or can I pursue relationships responsibly while planning future help?

Disclosure Timing: If disclosure is advisable, when is the appropriate threshold—before kissing, before any physical contact, or only before sexual intercourse? What constitutes "intimacy" in this context?

Privacy vs. Transparency: I've heard conflicting advice. Some say full transparency respects partner autonomy; others say past behavior doesn't obligate permanent disclosure if resolution is complete. Where's the ethical line?

What I Want:
To be honest without oversharing graphic details
Not to build intimacy on incomplete information that could feel deceptive later
To move forward with my life without indefinite pausing
To ensure I'm not making new mistakes through poor decisions about disclosure

My Questions for Guidance:
Is withholding resolved childhood harmful behavior before sexual intimacy ethically deceptive, or is privacy acceptable given the passage of time and completed amends?
If disclosure is expected, what's the appropriate timing threshold in a developing relationship?
Can I responsibly pursue dating without immediate therapy access, or does the absence of professional support mean I should wait?
How do I balance being truthful with protecting myself from unfair permanent judgment?

I'm genuinely lost and want to do the right thing—for my partners and for my own growth. Any guidance on navigating this ethically while still allowing myself to move forward would be deeply appreciated.

Hi I am very depressed about my career and i don't have anything to do and I just stay at home and see my parents fight which really affected my mental health i really want to do something in life i didn't join college as I wanted to do mbbs but I got bds plus I am not getting enough support from my father idk how much scope is there in India about bds and it is low but I don't want to prepare again for the competitive exam and he is just arguing with me and my mom I need serious help I have past sh history and now i am four months but I really filled trapped in this home my preparation was hampered by this but my father is blaming me for all the mess now I feel i can't do anything in life and i just wanted to just end my life I am suffering a lot my mental health is going down and my physical health is also going bad this all started when I in class 9 idk what to do i seriously need help and some advice and courage to talk to my father he speaks I'll and doesn't care if it hurted me or not if I cry he will call me weak see a random say rubbish to me I won't mind but being my parents they should mind their words I feel like I am losing everything

I (21F) recently fell and hit my head on the way down, it was so bad that I had to call 911. I live alone and I was really terrified as it happened in the middle of the night and my friends and family were all asleep/in another city. I ended up with a concussion and had to get stitches done. It was my fault because I usually pace/run around my room at night while listening to music at full volume. Not sure why I do this and it's weird for sure but I always pace around a lot and think about what my life would have been like if I wasn't such a failure. I live in my head a lot because real life never really works out for me. Sometimes I even do my makeup and dress up and pretend I'm getting ready to go out but nobody wants to go out with me.

The day prior to this I failed an exam. I used to have a pretty good GPA but I have just watched myself get more stupid, more lazy and less capable each semester. It hurts me in a way that is difficult to explain. My good grades and polished resume used to be the only things that kept me going and now I don't even have those. It feels like my value as a human went down and now I don't see why anyone would want to be associated with me.

The whole time I was waiting for the ambulance I just realized how much of a mess I am. I live in an apartment with trash and maggots everywhere, stains, rotting food, clothes on the floor etc. My bed is broken so I sleep on the floor. My fridge is broken and I haven't submitted a maintenance request because I can't clean my apartment well enough for the building manager to enter.

When the ambulance came I was embarrassed when they saw the state of my apartment, they saw I was all dressed up at 4 AM and asked me if I had gone to a party or had anything to drink but I hadn't. The whole time I was going to the hospital I was just so embarrassed and asked for a blanket because I was cold but also because I didn't want anyone to see my body. The same body that nobody has ever loved or found attractive. There was blood on half of my face but my lashes did not come off because I spent many hours learning how to do them properly. Without the lashes I am quite ugly. I felt so embarrassed that all I do is lie around all day and feel sick but there are people like emergency responders working hard every day to help people. I don't think I could ever be as mature or as smart or as capable as the majority of adults.

When I was in the ER they brought in a peer support worker before I got my stitches done and I ended up crying to her about everything except my head injury. About how I stopped replying to messages and stopped smiling and how I drink alone sometimes but have nobody to drunk call. How I used to be prettier and smarter and used to like what I studied but I'm just the shell of the girl I used to be. I told her about the guy that had refused to hug me when I didn't do when he told me to do and how he found a new girl who is beautiful, had a top job at a tech company and I earn minimum wage and she has a group of friends to go out with on Fridays. I don't know what is wrong with me and why I cannot look that beautiful and why doors keep closing all the time for me. I ruin everything in my own life.

It wasn't supposed to be like this and I was supposed to do better and I have just failed as a woman

This might be long but I don't know how to help myself. I feel very lost, confused and sad right now. It feels like my whole life has finally come crashing down on my head after I've tried desperately to hold it together for the past 6 years.

For context: My mother passed away when I was 14 and the events around that basically traumatized me. I got very depressed and went into a shell like state because despite her death, it felt like I needed to comfort the people around me. Same year, I had a lot of friends around me that struggled with mental health and I prioritised their wellbeing over mine. This fucked me up bad but i was able to hold it down well enough until i graduated secondary school and that's where a lot of my bigger issues began.

Because I had been grieving and bottling up my emotions, i hadn't thought about my life very far. I honestly thought that i would end it many times but somehow I graduated and I didn't have a plan for after. I didn't know what i wanted to do and didn't have any motivation for anything. My dad and siblings were scrambling for me because i didn't have any answers and they ended up deciding i would go to Canada for CompSci and be living with friends of our family. I went there, had a hard time integrating with the family because I didn’t know them and felt so awkward, and also with school (almost went on academic probation for failing my second semester). My dad threatened to bring me back but my siblings convinced not to, that I can try again.

Last year things were actually looking brighter. I was back in school and passing my classes, me and the family were getting along better, my emotions weren't disruptive even if I was still depressed, I had gotten a part time job and also eventually moved out on my own for the first time. It was dull and I hated the boring repeative life style, but for the first time since my mum died, it seemed like I was okay and people weren't yelling at me. But this April, I didn't pass two of my classes and my dad wanted me to comeback. There was no convincing him this time. He wanted be back ASAP to enroll to a cheaper university near him. I couldn't fight this decision so I quit my job and packed my things to stay with my sister and her husband until my flight back and it is going terribly. Both of us don't get along(she sees me as slow, passive and intentionally non-chalant person but she's literally an angry tiger trying to bite), so the past 2 weeks has been her yelling at me for whatever the reason is that day and finishing it of with some variation of "that's why you weren't doing good in school". But today was especially bad because she was already in a bad mood and I made it worse.

Context over

I just don’t know what to do. It feels like I'm back to the empty shell state I was in before. I have no fulfilling passions or motivations, I don't know what I want to study anymore, I have to restart my life by moving back with dad and all the trouble I had left behind, I feel like a failure that's every move is being criticised to prove that I am one. I'm really the only one on my team.

I want to change and finally become good, happy and successful. I'm tired of being yelled at all the time, and for my stupid depressive habits. I'm only 20 but everyday feels like a new low.

I feel so horrible about my past, now that im in a good relationship.

So, a bit of backstory, when I was 15 I started dating this boy who I thought would be the love of my life. Obviously, I was young and stupid, but at that point I had never been in a relationship, never felt beautiful or desired by anyone. I was also struggling pretty hard with an ED. All of that to say, when this boy acted like he was into me, I fell fast and hard. But he wasn't a good guy, SA'd and coerced me into sexual things, left without an explanation after 2 years, and convinced every boy at my school that I was the reason we broke up, said horrible horrible things about me and my friends that made me lose a lot of people. Basically tormented me the entirety of senior year (We broke up a couple days before it started). And all of this made me so so untrustworthy of men and of relationships that i fully convinced myself i'd never love anyone again. He had basically told everyone he didn't find me as attractive as my friends, said things about my body, basically compared me to my friends in every way, so I felt insecure and sought validation, started posting myself and working on myself.

But now im with a man who broke my walls down and made me feel like i can actually be loved again. It's not easy and i know im hard to love, and i just feel so horrible about my past of talking to other guys. I havent done anything sexual with guys except for my boyfriend (i've never even had sex.) But I don't know, my boyfriend has never had another girlfriend before and has only talked to a few girls, so I feel like I'm horrible and bad for having talked to and flirted with other people before I started dating him.

I also am in the process of getting diagnosed with (R)OCD so I'm not sure if that has anything to do with this. But who even knows i feel like that's just something im telling my brain to make me feel better about how im a horrible person.

I don't know.

I am unemployed and my mother hates me for it. 22f btw. i keep getting jobs and losing them cuz i dont have a social security card. all i do is hang out with my friends and go to punk shows or play shows (in my own band.) i am fat and very slowly losing weight, at least. I have a broken tooth that makes me scream and cry out in pain. i have no direction in life and don't know how to fix myself. my mother is beyond ashamed of me and i am ashamed of myself- she doesnt believe it tho because i dont do shit to fix it. dopamine addict. nicotine addict.

I’m a young adult living at home with strict traditional Indian parents. I’ve been in a serious long-distance relationship for a while. I kept it private because I knew how they would react. Recently my mom went through my phone and found out. She got very angry, said I broke their trust, and now the consequences are extreme: I’m not allowed to leave the house, they took away my phone, they’ve completely shut down any idea of me going out of state for college (which I was planning for college to be closer to my girlfriend). She also knows the situation i am in and wants to help me out.

I still love my parents and don’t want to cut them off. At the same time, I love my girlfriend I love her more then anything and don’t want to lose her. I’m also financially dependent on my family (they have businesses I may eventually be involved in), so just walking away isn’t simple.

I feel stuck between wanting more independence and not wanting to destroy my relationship with my family. The situation has been really heavy and overwhelming.

I’m not looking for “just run away” advice. I’m looking for realistic perspectives from people who’ve dealt with strict traditional parents, especially around relationships, control, and gradual independence.

Any advice on how to navigate this without making things worse would help.

please please I beg you please