u/penguionaroni775

I (21F) recently fell and hit my head on the way down, it was so bad that I had to call 911. I live alone and I was really terrified as it happened in the middle of the night and my friends and family were all asleep/in another city. I ended up with a concussion and had to get stitches done. It was my fault because I usually pace/run around my room at night while listening to music at full volume. Not sure why I do this and it's weird for sure but I always pace around a lot and think about what my life would have been like if I wasn't such a failure. I live in my head a lot because real life never really works out for me. Sometimes I even do my makeup and dress up and pretend I'm getting ready to go out but nobody wants to go out with me.

The day prior to this I failed an exam. I used to have a pretty good GPA but I have just watched myself get more stupid, more lazy and less capable each semester. It hurts me in a way that is difficult to explain. My good grades and polished resume used to be the only things that kept me going and now I don't even have those. It feels like my value as a human went down and now I don't see why anyone would want to be associated with me.

The whole time I was waiting for the ambulance I just realized how much of a mess I am. I live in an apartment with trash and maggots everywhere, stains, rotting food, clothes on the floor etc. My bed is broken so I sleep on the floor. My fridge is broken and I haven't submitted a maintenance request because I can't clean my apartment well enough for the building manager to enter.

When the ambulance came I was embarrassed when they saw the state of my apartment, they saw I was all dressed up at 4 AM and asked me if I had gone to a party or had anything to drink but I hadn't. The whole time I was going to the hospital I was just so embarrassed and asked for a blanket because I was cold but also because I didn't want anyone to see my body. The same body that nobody has ever loved or found attractive. There was blood on half of my face but my lashes did not come off because I spent many hours learning how to do them properly. Without the lashes I am quite ugly. I felt so embarrassed that all I do is lie around all day and feel sick but there are people like emergency responders working hard every day to help people. I don't think I could ever be as mature or as smart or as capable as the majority of adults.

When I was in the ER they brought in a peer support worker before I got my stitches done and I ended up crying to her about everything except my head injury. About how I stopped replying to messages and stopped smiling and how I drink alone sometimes but have nobody to drunk call. How I used to be prettier and smarter and used to like what I studied but I'm just the shell of the girl I used to be. I told her about the guy that had refused to hug me when I didn't do when he told me to do and how he found a new girl who is beautiful, had a top job at a tech company and I earn minimum wage and she has a group of friends to go out with on Fridays. I don't know what is wrong with me and why I cannot look that beautiful and why doors keep closing all the time for me. I ruin everything in my own life.

It wasn't supposed to be like this and I was supposed to do better and I have just failed as a woman

Sorry this may be a bit long. I am 21F and I have always done well academically until up to a year ago when I started struggling with severe burnout/depression which caused me to fail many exams and eventually drop my program. In my first two years of uni, I did way better and had close to a 4.0 GPA as a math and physics double major and did research with 4 groups at my uni and also had a job on the side.

However I always kind of struggled a lot with depression and social isolation. I still do to this day, I got an autism screening done but I was told I was below the threshold. I always felt that I was a weird kid and that I was not very attractive and I assumed people didn't really like me. So I would always eat lunch alone in the washroom even in high school. I never did anything reckless as a teen because I put so much pressure on myself to be academically flawless because I didn't really think I had anything else going for me.

I'm not sure what happened but when I came to uni I started getting more attention for things other than academics. A lot of people would compliment my looks and I started being able to make friends more easily because I improved my social skills a lot. So by the time I turned 20 (third year) I guess I kind of got sick of pushing myself so hard academically and started living life on easier mode. My screentime has consistently been 10-12 hours a day and I stopped working out completely. I started drinking and going out more and also became more of a shallow person. I will now care more about whether my lashes and nails look good instead of whether my assignments are in on time. I didn't have any social media until 2023 and now I'm on it all day. I no longer read, write, or self-study things anymore, all I care about is posting on Instagram, trying to look more beautiful, and talking to men and seeing men at night.

I did very poorly on some of my finals and finished several courses like E&M and complex variables with a C/B-. I did not even bother to learn Maxwell's equations. I dropped 4 classes. I started having severe depression and would wake up at 4 PM sometimes, stopped attending lecture, stopped going to the library to study. My GPA dropped quite a bit and my research performance suffered.

I think I just failed my stats final yesterday and I cried for many hours but I think the old me is gone. The girl that used to be able to get a 95 on all her physics exams, the girl who would stay up all night learning topics in math just does not exist. I also look so different now. As a teen I would wear no makeup and would genuinely shop at Walmart for my clothes, now I am a fake blonde with fake lashes, fake nails etc. I used to talk in a super formal, polite, soft-spoken way as well and now I curse a lot and get described as very chatty.

Just wondering if anyone else has been through the same thing and whether it ever gets better. I feel so disappointed that I started off with so much potential and then just became everything I tried so hard to not be. I haven't felt like myself in a long time and I really hate it myself sometimes I never knew what it was like to go to an exam unprepared before; now I always show up unprepared.

TL;DR Don't feel like myself anymore, lost everything and I don't try at my academics anymore/don't really have a sense of purpose. Used to have potential and I think I lost it all

I (21F) have been struggling so much with severe depression in the past year that I can barely recognize myself. I stopped replying to messages and stopped taking caring of myself completely. I sleep at weird hours, eat mostly fast food, and I've stopped exercising. I used to do a Saturday long run every week and now on Saturdays I always wake up at 3 PM. I don't think I can run very far anymore. My screentime is usually around 10-12 hours a day. Sometimes I drink alone but not a lot. Sometimes I buy myself a lot of nice clothes and makeup that I do not deserve. I never reply to texts anymore. Therapy isn't helping. It's been like this for over a year but I was always in a state of low-grade depression for most of my life.

My grades used to be good. I maintained a 3.9 GPA in my first two years of uni as a math and physics double major. I got to do paid research three times. Then in third year I failed all my finals and my GPA plummeted. Today I just took my stats final and I don't think I got more than 30% on it. I cried all the way home because I had gotten an A on the midterm after a whole year of bombing all my midterms. Threw it all away though.

I used to be quite pretty and in shape. Now I haven't set foot in the gym in over a year. I used to be able to run a half marathon, now I don't even want to walk to the grocery store. I quit my part time job as a lifeguard. My apartment is a mess and is full of flies, rotting food, and trash. I probably have cavities now, my skin is bad, I'm no longer toned, and my face is bloated from my fast food diet. When I get home all I want to do is sleep. I used to have trouble falling asleep because I was too excited for the next day. Now I can sleep anytime.

I cry daily now and usually I just think about how badly I need a hug. Nobody ever really loved me even when I had that 3.9 and a good figure though. It made me sad back then too but now I am just devastated. In a weird way I feel that I used to work so hard to prove to myself that I would not be overlooked or replaceable. I hate how I am not the independent person I want to be because at the end of the day the one thing on my mind is just a boyfriend. Which is just a stupid thing to say because yes I kind of did all the things on my resume to prove on paper that I am worth something.

About a month ago I booked a trip for myself to another city. I went alone. It cost me about $1500 for a few days. I did some hiking and shopping and bought myself ice cream 4 times. But honestly the only reason why I went was just to meet a man. I only went because I met a man there that cuddled me the whole night just like what I thought about my whole life.

At the end of the day not being able to date and having nobody really like me makes me feel extremely undesirable, unlovable and lonely. Almost every night I cry myself to sleep sometimes pass out and wake up with a headache because I hate how I look and I hate my personality and I wish I could be anyone else. I’m not that smart and I’m not gorgeous and I don’t have many friends and no matter how hard I try I simply am not good enough I stopped eating breakfast a long time ago but I just can’t be beautiful. I am wasian and I hate how I look. I work multiple jobs and try to get good grades but I am not happy my GPA isn’t perfect and I am not the best at my work. I feel so devastated that nobody cares enough about me and the things that I have done just for a hug are honestly insane. I have probably posted myself here on Reddit over 100 times and everyone says I am average I can’t deal with that I just want to know that I am not so easily replaceable and I am not going to be overlooked every time and someone will like me. I feel physical pain in my body every night and have had to call crisis lines but still am struggling so much

At the end of the day not being able to date and having nobody really like me makes me feel extremely undesirable, unlovable and lonely. Almost every night I cry myself to sleep sometimes pass out and wake up with a headache because I hate how I look and I hate my personality and I wish I could be anyone else. I’m not that smart and I’m not gorgeous and I don’t have many friends and no matter how hard I try I simply am not good enough I stopped eating breakfast a long time ago but I just can’t be beautiful. I am wasian and I hate how I look. I work multiple jobs and try to get good grades but I am not happy my GPA isn’t perfect and I am not the best at my work. I feel so devastated that nobody cares enough about me and the things that I have done just for a hug are honestly insane. I have probably posted myself here on Reddit over 100 times and everyone says I am average I can’t deal with that I just want to know that I am not so easily replaceable and I am not going to be overlooked every time and someone will like me. I feel physical pain in my body every night and have had to call crisis lines but still am struggling so much

21F and I’ve never been on a date or had a boyfriend. People always tell me to focus on myself and be comfortable being alone first. And that if I am too desperate then nobody will be interested in me. But I find this confusing because I actually am quite comfortable being alone. I have travelled alone and I tend to be very open minded about joining new clubs and activities. I am involved in full time research every summer and take evening classes as I am working towards a double major in physics and math and a minor in stats. I have been told I am quite serious in terms of my personality but I only ever get men asking me for low effort hookups or I get ghosted.

My friends get gifts all the time from men but I don’t. Once men get to know me better in person they seem to be less interested in me and do not even try to hug or hold my hand. However they like to keep me around as a friend and sometimes treat me like a therapist while actively asking out other women. Why does this happen to me? Many people tell me that they think I am hardworking but at the same time most men think I am comfortable with casual, low commitment things which I am not into.

21F and I’ve never been on a date or had a boyfriend. People always tell me to focus on myself and be comfortable being alone first. And that if I am too desperate then nobody will be interested in me. But I find this confusing because I actually am quite comfortable being alone. I have travelled alone and I tend to be very open minded about joining new clubs and activities. I am involved in full time research every summer and take evening classes as I am working towards a double major in physics and math and a minor in stats. I have been told I am quite serious in terms of my personality but I only ever get men asking me for low effort hookups or I get ghosted.

My friends get gifts all the time from men but I don’t. Once men get to know me better in person they seem to be less interested in me and do not even try to hug or hold my hand. However they like to keep me around as a friend and sometimes treat me like a therapist while actively asking out other women. Why does this happen to me? Many people tell me that they think I am hardworking but at the same time most men think I am comfortable with casual, low commitment things which I am not into.