I took the Sakrinorva MBTI test and it told me I was likely either ENTP or INFJ, but when I looked into them it didn’t really resonate with me?? Idk lol. I found out there was this questionnaire, so I tried to fill it out as best I could. I’m hoping someone who understands cognitive functions better can help me out!

Give a general description of yourself. How old are you?

Hi :) I’m 21F and currently in the process of building up a portfolio to (hopefully) find a tattoo apprenticeship! I was recently diagnosed with BPD, and I’m aware that can make personality typing very tricky, so I’ve tried really hard to sit with these answers over the last few days.

I’ve also asked for input from my closest long-term friends, one of which has known me since childhood & has been able to help me answer some of these questions. I struggle with the “unstable sense of self & chronic emptiness” symptoms HEAVILY so sometimes it’s hard for me to remember where my emotions end and I begin. My friends helped to remind me of the things I talk about regularly and have seemed to consistently enjoy/want for myself over the years.

What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not? If you are not working, what kind of job do you want to do or what are you studying?

I’m currently in-between jobs. I had been working at my college as an Art Lab Aid while I was studying, but I’m in the midst of a break because I’ve struggled with my mental health over the last few years & have determined that until I get that figured out I’m only going to continue to do poorly and waste every educational opportunity given to me. I’ve been trying for the last 4 years and still have no direction for myself in my education.

I’ve always been interested in the arts and because of this break, and having the opportunity live with some extended family rent-free over the next year, I’ve taken this as a chance to fully immerse myself in this and build up a portfolio for tattoo apprenticeships. I’ve put out several applications for a new job (server, bar back, bartender, etc) to make money while I figure this out. I’m excited to get the routine back, but without the pressure to perform on an exam or anything, if that makes sense? Idk lol.

Describe your childhood/upbringing. Did it have any kind of ideological or structured influence? How did you respond to it? Did you have any significant negative experiences that may have affected how you think or behave?

I had a very negative upbringing (severe childhood abuse & neglect, chronic familial/caregiver instability, intergenerational paternal & maternal mental health issues, etc — I compare a lot of my experiences to that of many of my foster kid friends growing up, but within my own family lol). I do have to remind myself that it wasn’t all bad, even though I don’t really remember the good parts (dissociative amnesia :p), because it’s really easy for me to sit there and remember how bad everything felt. I really struggle with BPD splitting, especially on my experiences & self, so I’m taking my time with this question to make sure I’m not doing that right now (unintentionally, of course).

Growing up, I thought I responded to it well. I was incredibly angry, but it felt justified at the moment. Maybe still feels justified, but since receiving the BPD diagnosis I have looked back on a lot of my outbursts and realized they were likely early symptoms of the disorder. Despite my emotional instability, I often had to be the “adult” in every situation because even though I was reactive, both of my parents were emotionally immature. I often had to present as agreeable & thoughtful to strangers, extended family, or authority figures (like teachers or even police) to make sure everyone was taken care of. In hindsight, I should have just let my parents experience the consequences, but my little brother has dyslexia and ADHD & always struggled with school. Growing up I thought I had to be the responsible one to make sure he got accommodations at school. And I had a lot of friends in foster care, so I thought it would be easier to just deal with my parents/grandparents abuse/neglect instead of strangers.

As an adult, I have struggled to move away from my overly agreeable and self-sacrificing mask. While Quiet BPD isn’t technically a clinical subtype, my therapist has used it frequently in session to help me better understand my presentation of symptoms. Most of the symptoms I externalized as a teenager (12-17) at home, turned completely inward because of no longer living there and having the experience of learning to internalize all of those symptoms around extended family & strangers.

Do you have any mental or physical health issues that might affect how think or choose to live? Provide a brief description.

Yes, BPD. I’ve kinda already given some insight on how that has affected me. I also have C-PTSD as a co-morbid diagnosis from the childhood trauma. I also have depression and anxiety, but I think they’re being treated more as symptoms of the BPD & C-PTSD rather than as separate diagnoses.

If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?

Both. I think it would depend on the kind of week I had and where my headspace is at. I think, usually, I end up feeling more refreshed than lonely, but I also have a hard time with being alone for too long because I have emotional permanence issues with my relationships. I struggle with remembering that the people in my life care about me still when I’m not with them, so reminding myself that those relationships exist can make a weekend alone very exhausting. But at my core, I think I am very socially introverted, so having a weekend alone would end up being more refreshing for my social battery.

What is your relation with movement and your surroundings? For instance do you prefer a sport or outdoors event? If an outdoors event what is it? And why? If not what type of activities do you tend to engage?

I like the idea of sports & outdoor events, but I struggle with doing them. Once I can get started I really enjoy it and feel incredibly energized! But many of the people in my life aren’t intro those kinds of things, so it can be hard for me to get into them on my own. I get embarrassed easily and if I get in my head about how nobody else is doing the sport or outdoor activity, I convince myself I’m being weird or doing something they won’t like. Which sounds ridiculous typing this out, but I think the idea of the people closest to me hating something I’m doing triggers my fear of abandonment or something 😭🙏 Usually, I end up writing, drawing, or reading, which I also really enjoy. I love to watch hockey and soccer, since I can never get myself to play.

How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?

I think I’m a pretty curious person? I’m always thinking about different possibilities of things, different projects I can start, new things I can learn, how things work, etc. As a kid I remember grabbing random things around the house and taking them apart for fun just to figure out how they work and how to put them back together. I think most of my ideas lean conceptual, though I do care about the environment a lot. I’m always imagining new art or writing projects. I like to know how things form and how they connect to each other, I think. I spend A LOT of time in my head lol.

Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?

Yes and no. When I’m having good days, 100%! Some days I’m really struggling with my mental health more than others and on those days I withdraw & it can be hard to get myself involved. On my good days, I find myself directing & making a lot of decisions within groups.

Do you prefer hands on activities or working with your hands in some form? Describe your activities.

Yes! Art is probably the main thing: painting, drawing, etc. My favorite mediums to work with are oil pastels, charcoal, and acrylic paint markers. I’m also really interested in the creative aspects of makeup, rather than using it to “look” better. I like to experiment with gothic looks, or sometimes very colorful ones. I’ve been interested in learning how to do SFX makeup lately, but I haven’t attempted, yet.

Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.

I think “artistic” is maybe the one quality I feel I definitely am? My sense of self is unstable, so most other traits I feel change frequently (at least in my view), but on both good and bad days I grab for some form of artistic expression whether it be drawing/painting, makeup, fashion, writing, etc. Lately, I’ve been into drawing/painting more horror or surrealism. Though, my style tends to lean into realism. I attached a recent piece I did that’s definitely more realist than anything else, but it’s a still-frame for a novella I’m writing based on recurring nightmares I had as a teenager, so there will be surrealist themes in that lol.

What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?

This is probably the hardest question for me. I think about the past often, likely due to my disorders, and I fear the future so much it sends me into a total shutdown if people ask me too many questions about it all at once. I kinda didn’t think I’d live past 18 growing up, so now that I’m past that I’ve really struggled with finding a sense of purpose and direction for my future. I wish I could stay in the present. I think I’d feel much better about myself, my past, and my future if I knew how to do that.

How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?

I jump up to help with pretty much anything. Most of the time it’s because I genuinely want to help. If I have time and I’m not busy with anything, I don’t see why I couldn’t just help out when someone asks me to. I think it could also be because I struggle to ask for help myself, so I think that I probably am so quick to help because it’s so hard for me to ask I hope that someone will say yes so desperately when I finally do. I want people to feel comfortable around me, maybe to my detriment. I can put off my own needs to help others with theirs.

Do you need logical consistency in your life?

Yes. I think so. If things don’t make sense, I try to make sense of them. I’m always trying to understand how things work and how I fit into that, so I think I probably really value logical consistency.

How important is efficiency and productivity to you?

Kind of? I think I prefer when things are efficient because I don’t want to spend more time on something than I have to, but not at the expense of making sure something is done right. Does that make sense? Productivity is important to me, but I really struggle with it. I can be impulsive and am constantly seeking the option that will make me feel the best. I struggle to know where my emotions end and I begin, I think. Productivity can be hard for me because I often don’t find the productive things interesting enough. Next thing I know, it’s been 2 hours with my laptop open on an assignment and I’m still stuck reading something on my phone that will still be there later.

Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?

I think so. Both indirectly and directly, but never with the intent to be malicious. I lie a lot because I don’t want people to leave me, which can maybe be manipulative. I’m working on that lol. I try to control the reactions of others because it helps me to control myself. If I can keep someone happy, they won’t leave, and if I don’t think they’ll leave, I can keep myself from freaking out on them or myself.

What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?

Art, writing, music (guitar), makeup, fashion, dog training, language learning (been learning russian since high school — 2021ish). All of them give me the opportunity to escape from myself, in a weird backwards way. I give myself a “character” almost, that I can be, when I do these hobbies. So I guess deep down it’s still me, but it never really feels like me. I can turn my brain off and just kind of exist for the first time.

What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?

I think I’m a very visual/hands-on learner. I handwrite all of my notes and study by rewriting them or drawing pictures of certain concepts. I think auditory is probably my weakest learning style. I struggle to follow verbal directions, always have. I also struggle to remember homework assignments unless I have a visual reminder somewhere, whether it be on paper or canvas. My favorite classes have always been art, music, and english. I was good at math growing up, but i deeply dislike it and struggle with it as an adult.

How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?

I tend to improvise and wing my projects. I often wait until the last minute to even get started, to be honest. But I’m good at strategizing and working quickly on my feet, so my procrastination rarely comes at the expense of my grade. I would often start essays a few hours before submission was due and receive 90+ grades on the assignments still. I can also pivot things easily, so if I start a project and find that something doesn’t work, I can quickly think of something else that would work instead and immediately get started.

What's important to you and why?

Understanding myself and how I relate to the world has always been really important to me. Maybe because I’m so confused about it? I want to know who I am because being authentic is something I value, but I struggle to be authentic because I have no idea what I want to be authentic about ??? Idk if that makes any sense. I also find my relationships to be really important to me. I deeply crave connection, even though maintaining it can be hard for me.

What are your aspirations?

I want to build a life where I feel like I finally fit. I want to find stability for myself emotionally, financially, relationally, etc. Right now I want to be a tattoo artist professionally, and I’ve always been interested in that, so I suppose that art could be an aspiration of mine, but I’m not too bothered by having a specific career aspiration or goal. Having too much planned out is stressful to me because I change my mind so much. I prefer to think about what I want right now and build upon the bigger things. I think the smaller things, like my career, or family, will fall into place if I can work on building my stability.

What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why?

I deeply fear abandonment, of course. But other than that, I have an irrational fear of bees even though I LOVE them. They’re so great for the environment. Social interaction can make me very uncomfortable even though I constantly crave it. I’m constantly overanalyzing facial expressions and body language to make sure I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t want people to hate me, or think I’m wrong as a person. I hate slow walkers, people who immediately get defensive when I finally work up the courage to set a boundary, and people who share their opinions on things CONSTANTLY in a judgmental way. I’m 100% understanding of sharing preferences and interests, obviously, but when it turns into “I don’t know how someone could ever like this” or something like that it pisses me off because who cares. And it also makes it hard for me to remember what I actually think about things because of my stupid BPD, which isn’t necessarily the other person’s fault, but it still makes me so angry lol

What do the "highs" in your life look like?

I feel secure in myself, I have more ideas about what I want in life, it’s easier for me to differentiate between who I am and who my friends are, I get up and do stuff without thinking about what it looks like, I get bolder and more experimental with my makeup and clothes, can be more emotional which can maybe look like i’m still actually worse than I am

What do the "lows" in your life look like?

Negative self-concept, I struggle to get out of bed, impulsivity increases, smoking, drinking, severe depressive symptoms, panic attacks, no idea what i’m interested, or what i want, or who I think I am, constant switching between what i think my interests/style/values are, up and down relationships, empty black hole feeling in my chest that feels like it’s burning my whole body under my skin

How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?

I’m constantly dissociating and daydreaming. When I daydream, I’m often still very aware of my surroundings and can snap myself out of it, but when I dissociate I often lose time and can’t break myself from it no matter how much I’m screaming at myself to get out of my head.

Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?

I will probably dissociate through it. My fear of abandonment will spike and I’ll spiral. Maybe split on myself.

How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?

It depends on the decision. If it’s an emergency situation and a decision is needed immediately, I work best on my feet and in fast-paced environments where I don’t have time to think, so I can easily make decisions then and rarely change my mind because I don’t have time to. The more time I have, the more I struggle to make a decision, and the more likely I am to change my decision later.

How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?

It can take me a while to process my emotions, but they’re very important to me. I’m constantly thinking about my reactions and what they mean and why I reacted this way. I don’t always understand how I’m feeling right away, and even after I am able to “label” my emotions, I can still struggle to fully understand the depth at which it affected me.

Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?

Yes, all the time. All day, everyday, at the expense of myself. Definitely ties back to my fear of abandonment and probably ties into the Quiet BPD presentation of “frantic efforts to avoid real or perceived abandonment.”

Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why would you?

I rarely break the rules as an adult because I’m always trying to appease others, but when I do it’s usually because I’m impulsively reacting to something in the moment because I feel unheard, or abandoned & I’m responding in a self-sabotaging way. Typically, in those moments it results in getting fired from work, or something of similar weight. I broke the rules often as a teenager because I was angry and reactive to everything. I think if my BPD had been caught then, I likely would have related more to the classic presentation that tends to be more external. I often struggle(d) with skipping school because I felt threatened by my teachers & caregivers & felt out of control.

What is the ideal life, in your opinion?

Stable. But also free. I don’t want to feel restricted. I’d love to heal in therapy and learn to control my emotions in a healthier way because I want to have kids, I think. I would like to adopt, or maybe just foster. Especially older kids, because I know what it feels like to not be wanted and to feel out of control because of it. I want dogs, maybe a cat or two. I’m a lesbian, so I’d love to get married to a woman one day. I’d like to build up a clientele and open up my own tattoo shop that’s completely LGBTQ+. I’d love for my specialty to be in surrealistic and New Skool style. I want to get into MMA, I think. I would love to have a couple of books finished, too. I just want to feel secure and in control of myself and my life.