u/MammothAd8918

I feel so horrible about my past, now that im in a good relationship.

So, a bit of backstory, when I was 15 I started dating this boy who I thought would be the love of my life. Obviously, I was young and stupid, but at that point I had never been in a relationship, never felt beautiful or desired by anyone. I was also struggling pretty hard with an ED. All of that to say, when this boy acted like he was into me, I fell fast and hard. But he wasn't a good guy, SA'd and coerced me into sexual things, left without an explanation after 2 years, and convinced every boy at my school that I was the reason we broke up, said horrible horrible things about me and my friends that made me lose a lot of people. Basically tormented me the entirety of senior year (We broke up a couple days before it started). And all of this made me so so untrustworthy of men and of relationships that i fully convinced myself i'd never love anyone again. He had basically told everyone he didn't find me as attractive as my friends, said things about my body, basically compared me to my friends in every way, so I felt insecure and sought validation, started posting myself and working on myself.

But now im with a man who broke my walls down and made me feel like i can actually be loved again. It's not easy and i know im hard to love, and i just feel so horrible about my past of talking to other guys. I havent done anything sexual with guys except for my boyfriend (i've never even had sex.) But I don't know, my boyfriend has never had another girlfriend before and has only talked to a few girls, so I feel like I'm horrible and bad for having talked to and flirted with other people before I started dating him.

I also am in the process of getting diagnosed with (R)OCD so I'm not sure if that has anything to do with this. But who even knows i feel like that's just something im telling my brain to make me feel better about how im a horrible person.

I don't know.

I'm 20F and I have known my now boyfriend (21m) for a year. We started officially dating in June and we are long distance, we live in two different states.

I've been friends with my two guy friends since highschool, known them both since freshman and sophomore year. My friendship with them is strictly platonic. One of them I barely talk to or see since we go to different colleges, but the other I see often because we go to the same college. My boyfriend and my two guy friends have texted before (briefly i think) and so he knows them.

He doesn't really have female friends and i prefer it that way honestly, though I don't think I'd mind if we lived close together and I knew his female friends. But he doesn't really have any so we have never run into that issue (?) idk if I can call it that.

Here's the problem: I feel like he doesn't like that I have guy friends. I mean, he says he doesn't mind it, but I just feel like he's lying or he's too sweet and perfect to say anything. I have ROCD and I go in circles about these things every day and it stresses me out so much. I don't want to stop being friends with my guy friends, though I would if he asked me to. In my previous relationship (which ended horribly and left me with a lot of trauma) I shut out all my male friends completely, my female friends partially, and after it was all over I felt so alone and isolated and I vowed to myself that I'd never do that again.

But my boyfriend is so perfect and sweet and he's the only person I could ever see myself with. My ROCD makes me think thoughts that I don't want to have and I feel evil and horrible and like i'm cheating even though I would never and I've done nothing wrong.

I don't know. I want to stop feeling this way. I love my boyfriend more than anything and I obviously don't want to hurt him but i'm battling with what feels like losing myself to my relationship to make him happy.

Hi, I hope I am posting this in the right community, as this is my first time posting on reddit. I just need advice.

So, I am a rising sophomore in undergrad, and I am on a pre-med track at a state school that is widely known for its research and pre-medical path. In my freshman year, I was cold emailing a ton of professors to see if I could contribute to their research labs, and I finally, FINALLY, landed a position at a lab. It is a neuroscience/bioengineering lab and I was over the moon when I first got it, just because it was the first and only response I had gotten, though I had emailed well over 50 professors. I was interviewed and taken onto the lab, and have been working there over the summer. However, I feel horrible. I feel like the work that i am doing is meaningless, and I know I am only an undergrad and this is my first research experience and I should be grateful, but I don't understand half of the work I do and the concepts that we study are so abstract that its hard for me to wrap my head around. Also, I am very much a biology/neuro minded person, and as I mentioned, the lab is heavily bioenginnering/computer based. Every day I sit at a computer and do the same work that a toddler could do if they were trained to, and I dont particularly enjoy it. I also am quite a reserved person, and I was so anxious about starting this lab that I barely talk to anyone besided my PI. I havent talked to the actual professor who runs the lab at all, as everyone (even the graduate students) say that they are quite intimidating. I want to work in a wet lab, or with people, or just doing actual experiments, but I havent done any of that. And since the lab is so enginerring/computer forward and everyone in the lab seems to be the same way, I feel really stupid and out of my depth here. I dont enjoy it, but I dont know what to do about it. I dont know if ill be able to get any other research, because it was so hard to get this one. I dont know. I'm confused and overwhelmed and I was hoping I am not alone. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.