How do I (20f) become a better person
This might be long but I don't know how to help myself. I feel very lost, confused and sad right now. It feels like my whole life has finally come crashing down on my head after I've tried desperately to hold it together for the past 6 years.
For context: My mother passed away when I was 14 and the events around that basically traumatized me. I got very depressed and went into a shell like state because despite her death, it felt like I needed to comfort the people around me. Same year, I had a lot of friends around me that struggled with mental health and I prioritised their wellbeing over mine. This fucked me up bad but i was able to hold it down well enough until i graduated secondary school and that's where a lot of my bigger issues began.
Because I had been grieving and bottling up my emotions, i hadn't thought about my life very far. I honestly thought that i would end it many times but somehow I graduated and I didn't have a plan for after. I didn't know what i wanted to do and didn't have any motivation for anything. My dad and siblings were scrambling for me because i didn't have any answers and they ended up deciding i would go to Canada for CompSci and be living with friends of our family. I went there, had a hard time integrating with the family because I didn’t know them and felt so awkward, and also with school (almost went on academic probation for failing my second semester). My dad threatened to bring me back but my siblings convinced not to, that I can try again.
Last year things were actually looking brighter. I was back in school and passing my classes, me and the family were getting along better, my emotions weren't disruptive even if I was still depressed, I had gotten a part time job and also eventually moved out on my own for the first time. It was dull and I hated the boring repeative life style, but for the first time since my mum died, it seemed like I was okay and people weren't yelling at me. But this April, I didn't pass two of my classes and my dad wanted me to comeback. There was no convincing him this time. He wanted be back ASAP to enroll to a cheaper university near him. I couldn't fight this decision so I quit my job and packed my things to stay with my sister and her husband until my flight back and it is going terribly. Both of us don't get along(she sees me as slow, passive and intentionally non-chalant person but she's literally an angry tiger trying to bite), so the past 2 weeks has been her yelling at me for whatever the reason is that day and finishing it of with some variation of "that's why you weren't doing good in school". But today was especially bad because she was already in a bad mood and I made it worse.
Context over
I just don’t know what to do. It feels like I'm back to the empty shell state I was in before. I have no fulfilling passions or motivations, I don't know what I want to study anymore, I have to restart my life by moving back with dad and all the trouble I had left behind, I feel like a failure that's every move is being criticised to prove that I am one. I'm really the only one on my team.
I want to change and finally become good, happy and successful. I'm tired of being yelled at all the time, and for my stupid depressive habits. I'm only 20 but everyday feels like a new low.