Help please
My partner 36m and I 37f have been together going on 12 years. The past two years he has been accusing me of sealing his medication, breaking into his safe, cheating on him, among other things. It's become almost a daily thing. I have never done one of the things he's accusing me of and he's broke my heart with some of the hurtful things he says when he's angry. I don't remember what the happy me is like, my spark is gone. But then there are the times when he's the man I fell in love with and I tell myself the pain is better than being alone. My dad died of cancer when I was 22 and he was the only person to understand my grief and how I dealt with it. Like a song you've never heard but you know all the lyrics to. I poured into him when my cup was empty and now I don't even know who I am. We haven't been able to conceive and our biggest dream has always been to be parents. So that weighs on both of us. I love him but I don't love myself anymore and some times I just want everything to end. I have intrusive thoughts all the time. I'm completely isolated from the world with no friends, no job, no money, or car. He's always taken care of but hes become very controlling of that too. It's the most hopeless, lonely feeling. I'm sorry I'm just yapping on and on I just feel clueless as to what to do. I find myself calling the s hotline more than any friends I ever had. Why does he do this to me?! I ask myself that daily as I weep till my eyes burn from the tears. I went to leave...I found a bed at a homeless shelter, and he begged me not to leave him as he cried crocodile tears, promising me he would change. I stayed and now I hate myself for it but I still love him so much, it's so hard. We had an amazing 9 years out of the 11 and I guess I just tell myself things are gonna change. If you've ever been in a situation like this or just wanna give advice, I could really use it. Thank you in advance