It's pretty common to be told to recover because 'you'll never be able to have kids', and honestly, I personally like that aspect of my ED. Maybe its because I'm a woman, so I do have a genuine fear of being forced without my consent, and I also have no desire to have kids, and getting pregnant is one of my biggest fears. I wonder if anyone else is motivated by this or its just me.
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I'm in a shit spot. Controlling parents read 1 paper and decided I need to be bmi >! 21 !<. (Currently >!48kg 158cm <! ).
They've decided I need to get there ASAP. No idea why. All health indicators, apart from my cycle are fine.
My tdee (medically tested ) is >!1150!<. And im inactive due to disability.
To do this, they are forcing me to eat >!2000cals!< at home minimum (they're tracking. For me that's already >! +1kg!< >!in 9days!<. And that would be without me eating any food between 8am and 4pm.
My question is - if I'm already in such a large surplus, is it ok for me to intermittent fasting between >!8 and 4? !< Particularly for trying to regain my cycle. A surplus of >!950cal!< is obviously sometimes good in UW people but I'm not. I'm also a high body fat %
Also my parents will not budge on this. Don't even suggest discussion. I feel fucking hopeless. No we don't have a medical team, and no I can't get one.
In the past one / two years I've started to feel VERY bad about my general appearance. I have been very stressed in my regular life for sure, and as an emotional eater I've started gaining weight to the point that friends and family are pointing it out, and I can't stand looking at myself in photos.
To top it all off, my hair has been thinning CONSIDERABLY. It is likely a combination of stress and genetics, but it's gotten so bad that I wear a hat everywhere - you can see my scalp very clearly even with just washed hair, and it gets greasy insanely fast anyway.
All of this has led to me going through cycles of comfort eating to cope with my emotions, and doing random diets to get my health back on track. It's nothing extreme, but I feel like it's starting to slide towards a full blown ED.
How do I stop this? What should I do instead to fix this? What the good and healthy alternative to this? I really don't know what to do.
I know the title might come across as hateful, but I think sometimes I genuinely feel that way deep down. I know it isn’t healthy, but I feel so much envy mixed with anger toward people with anorexia. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about how “lucky” they are, and I know that’s disturbing.
I’m at a normal weight for someone with bulimia, and I’m so tired of eating, feeling guilty about it, and then just throwing everything up afterward. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have an eating disorder at all, or that I had a different one.
I don’t know. I just feel exhausted by all of this.
I dont know what to do. On one hand I don't wanna eat because I don't deserve to eat and not feeding myself helps me dissociate on the other I genuinely can't focus and my exam is in 3 days.
The thought of eating myself makes me wanna cry. My bmi is normal I don't deserve to feel sorry for myself like this and what if I'm just looking for an excuse to eat but also I don't wanna fail.
To my brain, any fluctuation up is real weight gain, but any fluctuation down is a temporary fluke. I trust my bloated fully clothed 7 pm weigh ins more than first thing in the morning weigh ins. It’s so stupid because that’s literally not how anything works.
It makes me feel like it’s extremely easy to gain several kg of ”real” weight in a matter of days, but weight loss is comparatively slow as hell even when I’m restricting exactly according to what my ED wants.
So I feel like I am constantly at risk of getting out of control and regaining all the weight I lost during this relapse if I just make one misstep. One bad week could make me gain X kg of fat, even though logically I know those thousands of calories needed for that fat have not been eaten.
I can clearly see that it’s a distortion made by anorexia but it still feels like the truth. It’s so exhausting. Right now I am convinced I have gained several kg of real weight and any attempt to argue with that voice is met with ”you’re just making excuses because [insert anorexic bullying]” from my ED.
I’m so sick of this brain 😭😭😭
I remember they tried to get me to stand on the scale and when I tried to get on I almost fell off of it because the plate on the scale completely tipped and then It was wobbling the whole time while I was standing on it. Then, the lady taking my weight and height just slams that measuring tape thing against the top of my head while I'm still slouched and my feet are apart 😭🙏. So not only was the scale probably wrong but the height was definitely wrong too and then she proceeded to literally yell out the number in my face. I'm lowk still thinking about that appointment it's driving me crazy and I feel like it's fucking up my progress because I've been trying not to weigh myself. Fml
Every time there's another recall, which is often these days, I see all these comments like "well I guess I just won't eat anything anymore".
I know they are just sarcasm, but the recalls feel like the perfect excuse to narrow down my food list more and more and avoiding food is valid. That plus the celebrity obsession with thinness at the moment is a lot. Not a great time to have an ED.
even my parents were like "wtf isn't that an old person procedure." this is embarrassing asf and my tooth hurts so bad. and this is AFTER i've largely stopped b/ping. recover guys it's not worth it
I gained >!1.5kg!< from >!overeating!< as an attempt to recover and now I feel like a failure.........
The only reason I was >!overeating!< was because I felt compelled to finish off food before we go on holiday 😭😭😭😭 but now I feel so gross.....
The problem is just >!binge!< eating isn't sustainable for me because once I start I can't stop eating.... 😭😭😭
Any fellow stoners, have y’all found cannabis making an impact on your Ed/symptoms?
>!While I am not diagnosed (because I've gotten good enough at lying and covering up the symptoms that no one has tried to get me a diagnosis of any kind), I very much so have some kind of ED, presumably ana considering I meet essentially all the diagnostic criteria, but it's atypical. I started out midsize/plus size, and even after some incredibly severe restriction and fasting, I've only just become an average weight for my height, but I'm also just naturally pretty curvy so I look bigger. !<
>!It's fucking miserable to be really sick but never look "sick enough" even after losing a lot of weight. I just look normal. Like a friend of mine who is fully recovered and was much less severe in restriction when they had an ED is still so much smaller than me and I feel like a terrible person for comparing myself to them constantly and for doing things that I'm always worried could trigger them into relapse, but it's a compulsion for me at this point. It's like my mind won't let me feel worthy of help until I look like them (even though logically I know I will never look exactly like them) and it's awful but I don't even want to recover. Like, until I "look sick" and I am visibly too small, I don't want a proper diagnosis because my family will make me get help and I don't want to recover until I'm at a small enough starting point? Because I just look normal, even big at certain angles (at least to me) and that doesn't feel like enough to deserve a diagnosis or treatment.!<
>!I'm just miserable all the time and I hate lying to everyone. Like, I'm pre planning everything I could eat and every lie I could tell for when I'm camping and can't fast, and I've had panic attacks over it, but I just don't want people knowing or trying to get me to recover too soon. And so all I do is lie, and I hate it. I feel awful all the time, and sometimes I feel like I'm making everything up because if I look the way I do, it feels like I can't really be sick (even though I never think this way about other people, I'm a massive hypocrite to myself). I hate having an atypical presentation of whatever the fuck is wrong with me, it's just making me fucking miserable, but there's such a sick satisfaction when I get closer to looking "sick enough" (and I guess also a part of me that wants to choose recovery sees looking "sick enough" as a sign I can really get help) but god, it's awful. It's the worst. I feel like I'll never be able to be taken seriously because of it. Just, everything about it is the fucking worst.!<
I’ve been doing blind weigh ins but my therapist wanted me to look. The number is a lot higher than I expected it to be. I feel terrible. Psychiatrist told me that I look “healthier” What. The. Hell.
I was just prescribed a medication that needs to be taken twice a day with food. I absolutely intend to take this medicine correctly and in the safest way possible, but realistically I won’t be able to change my eating habits overnight either. So how much food is normally meant when medicine should be taken with food? Does it have to be solid food or would something like a protein shake work too? How can I make this work?
That's where my ED stems from ever since I was very young. I looked at my uggo face and was like I can't afford surgery rn BUUUTT I can control my body.... so yeah, still struggling years later, even if I "recovered"... does anyone else's ED stem from this?
I don't give a fuckkkkk if a normal meal gives me energy and makes me feel good. If I'm gonna restrict my intake I better put something I like in my mouth and also it helps me avoid the feeling of being full so no I don't fucking care.
once you learn about calories and get ibssesed with the scale how tf do you stop. i dont get why I care so much. I dont get why I want to be thin. i just want to be qble to count calroies and not gsin weight why csnt i be normal and est normaly 😭😭
I’ll spare the novel I could write about how devastated and sad I am to have lost what should have been a healthy pregnancy. I was long recovered, husband and I prepared for months before conception, nourishing ourselves with the best nutrition and exercise we could. we did “everything right” (went plastic free, natural home cleaning products, you name it). I lost the pregnancy this week.
something in me is almost retaliating, partially bitter at all the hard work we put into trying to minimize the risk of this happening, and partially trying to force some kind of “silver lining“ to this, which, for me right now, is the ever-classic ED assertion of control via losing the weight I put on.
it doesn’t help that I can’t fathom eating “well” since the process of properly nourishing my body now just reminds me of the pregnancy I lost. eating triggers grief, restriction feels like freedom? anyway I’m in hell. send love. please.
I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but a few months ago I started really getting into making songs. It wasn’t ever something I even knew I wanted to do before, but I was in the hospital and terrified, so I just started. It was really therapeutic for me. It was the darkest thing I’ve ever made. By a lot. I made a lot of them. It wasn’t romanticizing my ED, quite the opposite.. it was just.. pain, is the best way to describe it. And it sucks, because I can’t ever let anybody see them. Some aren’t even fully done anyways I guess, I literally physically couldn’t sing some without breaking down crying no matter how many times I tried (I’m not a very good singer as it is so breaking down sobbing really would throw it off 😭)
But I couldn’t ever release them even if they were completed. I’d be paranoid of anybody who knows me personally figuring out they were mine. I thought about just releasing them without my name attached and just not telling anybody, but even then I know it would scare me too much. I know the odds would be low but it still worries me too much. I don’t want it to ever ruin my life in the future, it could impact my career in the future or just my life in general. I don’t know why it bothers me so much that nobody will ever see it, like I said I never even cared to make songs before that but it just does I guess. And I need to get over it because I’ve known for a long time, I think it just gets to me because it’s not like I can even really talk to anybody about it
And I’m still actively disordered so even more of a reason why I can’t release them, it’s not like I could make something after and be like “BUT THEN IT GOT BETTER” because that’d just be a lie, and I wouldn’t want to make something like that when it isn’t true for me
Again, I know the risk would be low. It’s not like I’d be releasing it to get popular, most ED songs aren’t mainstream but it’s my voice, and I feel like that could go very wrong very fast