r/EDAnonymous

After a few prolonged periods of heavy restricting I made a commitment to my therapist that I would eat >!500 cal a day!<. I did so for the first few days and was on track today and something broke in me and I ate a lot more. >!Ended up purging 3 times throughout the day!<. Feel so hopeless. I feel like I let my therapist down, because we’ve been working on not purging. And I’ve let myself down because committing to recovery is so hard. I’m >!Suicidal and self harm as well!< so today has just been a shit show. Hopefully I can get back on track tomorrow.

I displayed pretty severe anorexic behaviors for a year or two at the tail end of high school. I wasn’t originally skinny or ever underweight, though, so I was never diagnosed as anorexic or even had people noticing the red flags. In fact, everyone praised me for losing so much weight and looking skinnier.

I recovered, eventually, all by myself. I don’t talk to anyone about it because of the stigma. I gained the weight back and watched the way people treated me decline as my tummy returned. I now hover on the edge of “normal” and “overweight” at about >!24.5!< bmi. I still hate the shape of my body, but I eat. I listen to content about body positivity from traditionally attractive women and pretend I accept myself, because that’s what recovered people are “supposed” to do.

I want to lose some weight again, healthily and safely this time. Being skinny was the best I’ve ever felt in my body. I want to like myself, and I can’t like myself like this. All I want is to safely lose maybe >!20!< pounds to feel less heavy and sluggish - not make myself a skeleton.

However, I’ve recently found out that if you have a history of ED, people will act like you can never try to lose weight ever again. If you tell people you want to lose weight, people will tell you that you’re “not recovered enough” and that you shouldn’t try to lose weight safely because it’s dangerous for “someone like you”. I ask for help navigating weight loss with an ED history and the only advice I get is “don’t” - that I need to be happy in my body as is, even if it feels impossible to love.

Y’know who does offer to help me? The GLP-1 “microdosing” industry. The unhealthy diets. The people peddling extreme calorie deficits. All these ways to lose weight I know I shouldn’t touch. They don’t care if you’re disordered, as long as you pay them.

When I go to the healthy people, the only advice I get is “don’t do that”.

Do you see the problem here?

The unhealthy ways to lose weight want you no matter what. The healthy people only want you if you’re not one of those dirty eating disorder people. Your choices for losing weight when you’ve had a past ED are relapse into something unhealthy, or try desperately to figure out how to do it safely with zero outside support.

One of those is a lot more tempting than the other.

so i want to get out of my room because i'm so bored, and i think i'm probably going to go to a local grocery store and just walk around and look at stuff. i do this pretty often. i think it would be really embarrassing if people noticed me doing it and knew or whatever. i get pretty embarrassed when i think people can tell. so i usually end up buying random groceries just to look like i'm shopping (i'd rather just walk around and i don't have that sort of money either).

my town is not super big (it's not like a CITY city) so it's the same workers working the same shifts roughly, and potentially running into people i know.

Why is it that when I try to make myself throw up, it’s literally impossible? Like only a tiny bit comes out? Am I just doing it wrong?

Every time I go to my friend's house, I feel forced to eat.

She has an eating disorder and is very self-concious.

If I say I'm not hungry or am not comfortable eating with people who arent also eating because it just feels so awkward, it's a problem because "she already ate today and if she's the only one who ate then she'll be fat."

So fine. Whatever.

I go grab something small.

Nope.

She starts cooking a full course meal for me everytime.

And I feel obligated to eat it because if I don't she'll starve herself for the rest of the day.

I always end up sick.

Same case when she's hungry and I'm not, I have to go eat something with her anyway or else she just won't.

Sometimes I hate hanging out with her even if I do love her.

currently going through a binge cycle the now thats genuinely so difficult to get out of, need some reassurance that this type of phase will end because it feels like I have no control of my body anymore.

I want a really addictive hobby preferably with low barriers to entry

I’m recovering from an eating disorder and trying to eat intuitively. Unfortunately, I still restrict myself, especially during the first half of the day.

However, sometimes, even when I’m not hungry, I go to the fridge. Just to put a tick next to the Eat dinner box (aka Not starve myself, care about myself). And if I do, it almost always ends in a binge.
It feels like I’m scared of ending up hungry, even if I’m not hungry in that moment.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you manage?

I literally feel like my brain just stopped working, I also find it hard to concentrate on anything, I keep forgetting things and I’m just overall being extremly slow

I can't stand it, especially when my family tells me to eat, I don't want them to think about my habits or even when I eat, I don't want them to worry, I don't want other people telling me to eat or asking me what I ate and encouraging me to eat, I don't want them to offer me food I just want to be solely in control of it. Anytime anyone tells me to eat, I cry (obviously not in front of them) because I hate it so much, and the worst part is I feel so guilty because they don't even know about my disorder since I don't like telling people. I went out with my friends last week and they're so pushy about "eating all together" why do I HAVE to eat just because you guys think its some moral, correct thing to do when you go out for everyone to eat? I ended up eating, but if I'm fine not eating anything why do you have to be so forceful? And they spend abhorent amounts on a tiny bowl of food (£20 for a ramen soup I could have made at home). I hate this so much, I just want to enjoy eating again without guilt. Without detesting people for bringing up food at any point. I think it's because of how ashamed I am when I binge eat...

I dont feel bulimic or anorexic, and I spoke to a specialist about feeling like bulimarexic really encapsulates my experience..the constant pull between the two states, restricting and control and purging and binges that aren’t big enough to be ‘real binges’. She said my eating disorder is like anorexia with a mixed presentation with bulimic tendencies but I’m average weight. She agreed the initial term that was used for people that seemed to be torn between the two makes sense for my ED. Anyone else feel this way?

I don't wanna go into details, but throughout the post there will be some mentions of weight and physical state (no numbers) and also female cycles stuff (in case that makes anyone uncomfy), so decide for yourself whether you wanna read!:D

As for the introduction, I'm 16 and >!underweight.!< I've been struggling with an ed >!(restrictive)!< for quite a while, but this is the first time I feel like my period might not come.

My period has always been fairly regular. The intervals were usually 20 ish days (3 weeks). Just my last one was irregular and lasted longer due to >!a sudden weight drop!< while it was happening. Nothing big.

Welp, now it's been 32 days. I know about all the "you're still young, your period will be irregular" and everything, that's why I'm asking...

Is it really just not a big deal, or is there a possibility it's related to >!low body fat!<, and how seriously will the doctors take it? I'm sorry if this is like a weird question, I just don't really know where to look for answers.. how long should I wait before it becomes concerning and I should visit some medical professional?

I'm sure it will come back eventually (I'm in recovery- or at least, I'm trying), does that mean I just don't have to be concerned at all?

Bit of a vent and bit of asking if anyone else feels this way and how they dealt with these feelings.

So I definitely have some disordered behavior, but I feel like im not skinny enough to really justify changing. Im >!160 at 6'1!<, very low muscle mass, so im definitely not skinny. I eat a >!260 kcal!< protein bar when I wake up, a handful of granola throughout the day, and >!300-400 kcal!< dinner. Whenever anyone finds out how much I eat they always tell me that's unhealthy and all of that. I used to just brush that kinda stuff off, but past couple months ive kinda realized that this isn't normal. Whenever I think that i always just tell myself im just making excuses or playing the victim. What sucks is I really like the attention people give me when they're worried, I think that's pretty common but idk it just feeds into making me feel like it's just for attention and not a real issue. As cringe as it is, those stupid ed-tok edits really messed me up, seeing how little everyone's eating makes my intake seem like a non-issue. I just feel like everything is resolved and validated if I just get skinnier, even though im aware that's not true.

Sorry for kinda rambling I just don't really know what to do and need some advice on literally anyway to change something, and i kinda needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for any help you can give and just for reading

I adore cooking. Like if i had to cook and feed people everyday every second, i would. I legit have developed so many recipes and i’ve even created my own cookbook. but the thing is these arent like ‘low calorie high protein’ type stuff, these are genuine recipes that take taste, mood and combinations into account. My sister loves eating what i make, but she doesn’t really like sweet stuff so i’m not able to cook that and test them out because i wouldn’t eat them. I wish i had a person who would just taste my recipes and lmk what theyre like because aint no way im eating what i make😭
now before u come at me saying ‘u wont eat what u make yourself so why r u gonna feed it to other people’
i follow very precise macros when i eat. If i go one or two numbers above or beyond it i get very anxious and completely lose my mind.

Does anyone relate to me or is it just me😭😭

Okay so I've never made a post on this sub or on reddit before but I think this has gotten pretty bad and I think I need help in this particular situation, so for reference I'm a minor I am underweight but the problem is for the past couple of days I've been purging and binging literally everyday constantly almost anything I ate , I've never really purged this much before and I even threw up blood I don't know if it's because I scratched myself or something, I am feeling very weird and extremely thirsty wich obviously I of course know why I did buy some electrolytes that you put in water but obviously it hasn't helped, I am alone at home and have been for the last couple of days and I keep eating to the point that I feel sick then purging , Im also feeling very cold...so...do I need to go to the hospital....the problem is I'm obviously not going to tell the doctors that I've been doing this on purpose but also do you think they will actually help?I'm really thirsty really thirsty.......

I, 15f was diagnosed with >!anorexia!< not too long ago. My problem is, my cousin is coming over for a few nights in a couple of days to hang out with me and I’m so worried. >!When I restrict, I restrict to about 100-500 cal!<, and I get so grumpy. I’m always irritable and lock myself in my room because I’m so mean and I hate it. I hate the idea of being mean to her or anyone for that matter. I don’t want to make her feel unwelcome or regret coming here. Whenever she comes over, I try to >!eat above my calorie count!< so I’m in a little bit less of a mood but then I end up binging and it’s a nightmare. The guilt is horrible and I can’t sleep because I feel so guilty.

It’s as if I’ve lost my sense of taste lol. I don't look forward to food and I do not find food as delicious anymore.

I don't just mean sense of taste, I mean eating is no longer pleasurable to me and it sucks. I wish I looked forward to eating a slice of pizza but I don't anymore. I just feel empty when I eat.

Not even candy, sweets or chips make me an ounce excited. Food tastes like ash in my mouth. It’s a chore to eat. I eat because I have to, not because I want to.

Is this just something temporary due to sleep deprivation etc or will I overcome this? Does anybody else feel this way?

I don't wanna get naked and have to get all personal with a body I hate and don't want to see

Its been 12 days

I'm really dysmorphic and dysphoric.

Any tips would be great

I have had some form of an ED since I was 18 and I’m 38 now. It went from anorexia to bulimia to binge eating disorder then back to atypical anorexia with purging on occasion but my actual diagnosis now is OSFED. I had to get all my top teeth extracted except for 2 molars due to all the purging and I’m so depressed and haven’t been the same since. I’m so angry at what I’ve done to myself and if I could go back in time and get help a long time ago I would have. I feel so ugly and disgusting and I’m so embarrassed. This has caused so much depression that it led to me restricting over the past 15 months and almost dying and having to go to residential but nothing is going to bring my teeth back. I will never be the same again. I don’t even care about eating anymore because a lot of stuff I can’t even chew so what’s the point in eating. I eat just enough to survive but I don’t know how I’m supposed to recover when a whole part of me is gone forever due to my own actions.

TW* brief mention of passive suicidal thoughts at the end

I had a revelation the other night after talking with some people in my family about these issues for the first time and I was like, I don’t want to live my entire life like this and want to be a good older sister and not have this be my entire life. But I know that one night isn’t enough to commit to recovery, even though it’s a start.
I’ve been eating more these past few days but it’s like my mind is screaming at me especially in the morning and at night. And it doesn’t help that I’m at a healthy weight and so it feels like I don’t deserve to recover yet. And I don’t want to gain weight and would prefer to keep losing weight.
I can’t see any professionals until I’m back in town in a few weeks as I’m out of state (in the US). And I’m still very hesitant to see them even though I know it’s nearly impossible to recover on your own. It just feels like too big of a step especially as I’ve been dodging seeing a dietician since 2024.
And last fall I was being recommended a HLOC and idk if that still applies as this is a relapse and I honestly don’t want to leave school or have everyone know about this in my life.
My digestion is all over the place, I feel foggy if I eat or don’t eat, but I think I’m medically stable at the moment.
I’d be scared that if I enter some kind of treatment that I’d resist the structure then, or use it as a kind of validation again like in my virtual IOP (not specifically for eating disorders but my group was great and that’s what I worked on with my therapist) that I’m “sick enough” as I see the professionals become more concerned. And I know if there’s enough containment they would be able to deal with that but still.
I also have depression which kinda sucks because it feels like it gets so much worse when I eat again, which like it doesn’t work that way exactly, but I feel >!suicidal!< at times when eating more even though I wouldn’t act on anything.