r/EDAnonymous

I have a tendency to be misunderstood so I will be careful. I have no intention to bodyshame anyone. I want to know what you guys think.

I hear things like "Not being able to gain weight is as bad as not being able to lose weight" and "Skinny shaming is worse than fatshaming" a lot. Any kind of bodyshaming is terrible yes, skinny shaming is also terrible but is it really worse than fatshaming? People who said these kind of things have never experienced an eating disorder in my case (not all cases but in my case) and I don't know if they think that way because they've never experienced ed or am I thinking they're wrong because I have ed.

I don't know if I am not being objective bcs of my life with ed, but as far as I know, not being able to lose weight and getting fatshamed is far more dangerous, it's simply the one of the most common ways to develop an eating disorder. Isn't not having enough calories always worse and more dangerous than having more than enough calories? The beauty standarts also say "skinny is better than fat"

I don't want to offend or upset anyone and I am sorry if I did

17m, my ED has gotten pretty bad lately if I’m being honest. It’s not to the point where I ONLY eat safe foods but >!it’s to the point where it’s hard for me to eat non-safe foods as part of any meal other than dinner!<. So most of what I eat is confined to a small number of foods that feel safe although I can still eat other things it’s stressful.

I had a job this summer so I do have some money but not a lot and it runs me at least >!50$ a week!< for groceries, even if I try to only buy things that are on sale. I have a medical procedure (won’t kill me if I don’t have it, but still necessary for quality of life) coming up in about 8 months which I will also have to pay for myself and it’s going to be expensive, I either need to get a job now or stop spending money on safe foods in order to pay for it.

My parents aren’t wealthy which is why I pay for my own groceries but they aren’t so poor that they skimp on buying food for themselves. they don’t cook for me so unless I’m cooking for all 3 of us all the food I eat is payed for out of my own pocket. Bottom line is that I can’t afford this and I can’t stop eating entirely either. I’ve already had to start rationing my food just because I don’t have the money to keep buying more at this rate. I’m trying to get another job but have had no luck so far.

I feel bad for wanting my parents to pay for my food since they worry about money already and they say they’re proud of me for stepping up and buying my own food but I can’t afford this anymore. They will pay for my college but I don’t think they’re going to send me any money for food/bills/medical expenses/housing while I’m in college so I need to be saving for that too.

I guess my question is, is this normal? Should my parents be paying for my safe foods or AITAH for expecting that?

Friday this week I had a moment of “wth am I doing? This isn’t sustainable” and decided to increase my intake by >!100 calories!< . I told myself the likelihood of gaining weight over that was low but o would feel better having more food to fuel me. Saturday I did that. Increased. Didn’t feel like a zombie all day. Today stepped on the scales and I >!Gained 1.2lbs and I’m freaking out now!< I told my husband and he laughed saying it’s normal scale fluctuations. Which I logically know that. I’m trying to tell myself that but my ED is losing it. The irrational thinking of how to fix it is so loud.

Why can’t I be normal?!

I don’t know if this is a product of anorexia, scarcity mindset, ocd, or some other ed like ARFID- but I have a bit of a history with food fixations, and I’ve been having this issue in recovery, in which I’ve been eating almost the exact same meals at every meal without fail, for weeks to maybe months. Every day it’s the same foods, same times, same thoughts, same fears, same same same. I want so deeply to eat something else, as I’m getting burnt on it, but at the same time, I fear that if I switch it up, then it won’t be as satisfying or enjoyable. When I type it out, this really is an issue, but I don’t know how to stop(???)

For context, it’s typically yogurt, rice cakes, cheeses, some sort of bread, bananas, and shakes. So it’s volume, variety, and sensory, and the idea of eating something less so, like cereal or oatmeal, is disappointing asf and causes me to opt for the safe foods every time. I feel silly, and annoyed, so if anybody has experience with this and is able to give tips, please do 🙏

i ate about >!1000!< above my >!tdee!< and it didn't kill me. i mechanically ate and adjusted my plate to where my hunger sees fit and it felt freeing almost. my goal now is to keep this going for a week!! i've tried to do this but i struggled... i am being gentle with myself..! (^^)

does anyone else feel an extreme jealousy when they hear or read about about other people experiences of being treated for EDs when they were kids/getting therapy (or getting treated for any mental illness)??

the first time I ever restricted was when I was 11 years old, and its rlly been downhill ever since. 6 years of thinking about food every single day all day. although just bc my ED started at 11 doesn't mean I wasn't struggling before. I was EXTREMELY socially anxious as a child and had very little friends and cried a lot. I always felt lonely and out of place and very disconnected from everyone else in the world.

despite what I (personally feel) were many red flags that I wasn't really well, no one ever really said anything about it and people just acted like it was simply a part of who I was. Now, whenever I hear of people's stories of them being like 'yeah my parents noticed that I didn't connect well with other kids/avoided eating in front of them/hid food or wrappers in my room/seemed very depressed and isolated all the time and they took me to the doctors and I got therapy/diagnosed with mental illness :/' it makes me feel this deep pang of anger and jealousy and sadness because I literally did and do all of that but no one ever said anything or did anything.

I can't remember the last time I ate in front of my family. its been literal years. my mum has made several comments about how I thin I am and my dad even noticed that I had lost weight and my siblings regularly joke/comment on how little I eat, so why isn't it enough? my mum actually knows for certain that I have an ED (she snooped through my room when I was at school, found my diary and READ IT) and said 2 words about it to me and nothing else. I literally wrote that I was going to kill myself on my door and the only thing she did was get angry.

when I hear other peoples stories of how easy it was for them to get help and how much their families cared about them and noticed them makes me feel...angry? I don't know if 'anger' is the right word, but it makes me feel a very intense and negative emotion that makes me want to cry. why do they get help? why do they get noticed? I did what they did. I felt what they felt, so why not me? its a bitter and jealous way to think but I am a bitter and jealous person with a bitter and jealous disease.

I know comparison is the thief of joy, but I don't really have much joy to be robbed of in the first place, hence why I am venting on reddit, so what's the harm? I've never really verbalised any of this stuff out loud, just been aware of it in the background. does anyone else think this way? got to adulthood without anyone ever having said anything and it just makes you feel really depressed? idk

so I know one of the premise of eating disorders is control. you're controlling your food, weight, activity and such, and that's why we become so focused on numbers that feel safe. but since relapsing, it feels like this obsession has leaked into my personal life in ways.

I feel the need to micro-manage everyone or else I get anxiety. I was not like this before (in fact I was much more "chill"). I live with my parents. I try to memorize my siblings work schedules and what days they do what and at what times. the other day my older brother, who's an adult, decided he was gonna go stay with a friend, and I started asking "how long will you be there? what time/day do you think you'll get back?" and he straight up looked at me confused and said, "I don't know.. why?" and that's when I realized I have no answer to why. I don't know why I feel compelled to ask. I don't like if somethings uncertain, and I like knowing I guess.

whenever my parents buy groceries, I have to be the one to organize them, I have to put them up where they belong (in my mind). one of my siblings tried helping me the other day and I flat out told them to stop and let me do it because the idea that I wouldn't be able to control where everything went was making me anxious. I organize the fridge, pantries, cabinets, freezer, closets, I do the laundry and fold the clothes, if something is moved out of place where I put it, I immediately put it back. whenever I'm in a room my mind just instantly sees things to pick up, clean or organize (I'm especially bad about this when it comes to my parents room) but that can come off as rude whenever it's not my own room.

I even micro-manage my parents schedules. If they're going somewhere, I need to know. I need to know the amount of money we have. I need to know what errands and chores need to be done so that I can step in and do it. if one of my parents slightly hint at a task, like saying, "oh I need to wash some of my clothes for tomorrow" I chime in and say "I can do it" like on instinct??? even whenever someone walks out their room I get this strong urge to go see what they're doing.

I eat at certain set times routinely. I make myself go to bed at the same time every night. I don't allow myself for example to play a game I like until after I've had x meal at x time because it differs from my routine and I'm worried I won't enjoy it all of a sudden.

this has also kinda back fired on me because every day feels the same and it's making me depressed.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I probably sound like a crazy control freak writing this out but trust me, it's driving me nuts being at war with my mind every day. Is this a common thing or am I just weird??😭

I feel disgusting sick heavy and horrible, ive been eating all day. I want to cry and scream and >!relapse and self harm but im 1 1/2yr clean so i obviously can’t!< i just feel nauseous and want to try >!purging!< but i literally never can and know inshouldnt start. I just feel horrific rn and wanna scream and cey but theres nowhwre to go so im just upset and eating gummy bears but its not evenbhelpinf just making me feel worse

Ugh idk how to explain well but I’m SO sick of being treated like idk not normal ? Well yes I guess I am not normal but it hurts when it becomes noticeable whether through >!my weight!<, physical signs, or just people clocking my behavior 😭I’m very rarely treated like full person , every conversation I have gets all careful and weird (esp family) I’m sick of everyone talking about me instead of to ME, or straight up trying to micromanage me constant nagging omg like I can’t do shit!! Pls that’s not all I am.

It feels like I’m not me anymore because my ed is the only thing everyone just sees and when I refuse help or just ask everyone to shut up I’m treated like I’m selfish, attention-seeking, manipulative, or like a moral failing idk it’s exhausting , like all my irl relationships are trashhheddd

I’m 24. I’ve been having eating issues for 5 years I’d say. But I had been using eating/not eating as a coping mechanism even a little before that. I almost regained everything I had lost. I wasn’t even totally recovery minded when I stopped restricting. I just felt like “it won’t hurt to eat what i want” and then depression piled up and so did me using delivery apps and bingeing. Well. Now I’m broke-ish? Due to all my medical/therapy visits and not keeping track of my spending and leaving work early/calling out. Now that I’m out of the storm I question if I’m even that depressed. I recently started back getting into actively disordered stuff. I never really stopped being disordered. It just wasn’t bad as it used to be when I first started. I deleted tiktok and other stuff because it was weighing on my mental health too bad. Now all I have is reddit and twitter.. well.. ofc I’m on edtwt cause I can’t be fucking normal. While I do have a community on there it doesn’t help obviously. I always questioned if I was truly disordered and at the beginning it fueled me. But now with bills and a full time job.. I’m starting to get back into my honeymoon phase but I can’t afford to. I’m in my mid 20s brah. It’s so silly but I think I’m trying to relapse or I am relapsing. I’m really engaging in the shit I used to go in the beginning! Is this constant cycle normal? I’ve tried to get help for my ED but I can’t find anybody that ACTUALLY is trained in it. Along with my ed, I just want to stop getting help for my other medical issues. It feels like I’m a hag trying to relive her youth and I won’t be taken seriously until something happens and then I’ll be looked at as stupid. But I just needed to vent to people that may actually experience what I’m going through. Nobody really in my real life knows that I even struggled with this or the full extent of it.

*tw relapse mention no numbers

i dread going to bed because nearly every single night without fail i get bad restlessness, like a constant urge to move my legs and arms and stretch out my torso or it gets so stiff it's painful, no position seems comfortable. if i get up to walk it stops, but as soon as i'm in bed it happens again, it's exclusively a resting thing i'm pretty sure. stretching only alleviates it temporarily

i know this has something to do with my relapse because during all of my relapse/semi recovery cycles this has only happened during relapses and gone away with recovery, but i'm not sure exactly what causes it. if it's the exercising, the restricting, stress or something else. is there anything i can do to fix this (other than recovery. not ready i just need harm reduction options). like some specific routine, or supplement, or a specific food or drink that has a nutrient that'll relieve it somewhat?