u/genomskinligt

To my brain, any fluctuation up is real weight gain, but any fluctuation down is a temporary fluke. I trust my bloated fully clothed 7 pm weigh ins more than first thing in the morning weigh ins. It’s so stupid because that’s literally not how anything works.

It makes me feel like it’s extremely easy to gain several kg of ”real” weight in a matter of days, but weight loss is comparatively slow as hell even when I’m restricting exactly according to what my ED wants.

So I feel like I am constantly at risk of getting out of control and regaining all the weight I lost during this relapse if I just make one misstep. One bad week could make me gain X kg of fat, even though logically I know those thousands of calories needed for that fat have not been eaten.

I can clearly see that it’s a distortion made by anorexia but it still feels like the truth. It’s so exhausting. Right now I am convinced I have gained several kg of real weight and any attempt to argue with that voice is met with ”you’re just making excuses because [insert anorexic bullying]” from my ED.

I’m so sick of this brain 😭😭😭

the food obsession is hitting hardddd and I keep seeing posts of fully stocked pantries, fridges, freezers and snack drawers online. It’s obviously aspirational to the point of sometimes not being functional (like when someone cuts up sooo much fruit or stocks their fridge stupidly, they just do it for the video), but the core thing is I want to be able to have food at home so so so badly and I’m jealous.

I can barely have several fruits at home at once, I cannot have any snacks or fun foods, I can’t keep peanut butter around because even if I manage to eat it slowly over a few weeks, I will be haunted by the mental image of peanut butter constantly. I can’t have more than a few servings of low calorie foods either. I can have ingredients but it can’t be too easy to use them. There has to be friction to eat for me to feel safe with having food at home.

If I have too much food I will feel overwhelmed, gluttonous and out of control. I also struggle with food contamination issues and feeling overwhelmed by having too much food I have to eat at some point, so even if there were a 0% risk of me bingeing or overeating, I still couldn’t have an aspirational pinterest pantry.

There is a sale on my favorite protein bar atm, but if I stock up I will eat protein bars every single day until I run out. Like I’m so sick of my lack of self control and my inability to have food around without feeling scared and like it’s calling out to me.

Like how can the same exact body parts and visible thinness markers look thin one day and huge the next. I’m losing my mind.

I’m also in the kind of mood where I approximate my weight in a way that means I’m significantly heavier in my brain than in real life on a scale.

So because I look bigger and my brain decided on this new exaggerated way to think of my weight, I’m now convinced that XX lbs more is my actual true weight/appearance.

How does that make any sense whatsoever to this stupid disorder oh my god I’m losing my MIND. How do numbers stop being objective, like can we be so serious for a second please.

This relapse is so stupid.

My favorite hobby is running. My favorite part about my looks is my hair. Now my hair is falling out again after I spent so long taking care of it since recovering last time, and I’m jeopardizing my ability to keep running every single day.

I was thrifting a wardrobe I love and now my favorite clothes look stupid because they’re too big. I moved into a new apartment a week ago and was so excited to finally have a real kitchen, and I have barely even used it.

I am lying to my friends and family, I am self isolating, I am avoiding dealing with my other issues surrounding mental illness and trauma because all I’m using to cope is anorexia.

I know nothing will get better if I keep getting worse but it feels impossible to change the trajectory of it. I don’t even want to lose more weight on a logical and sane level, but my eating disorder is not logical nor sane.

Last time I recovered because I was sick and tired of being miserable all the time. I am heading straight towards misery but still not changing anything. It’s almost funny how my brain sees all of this and I am still actively getting sicker.

Do any of you have any similar experiences, I feel legit insane

I have been traveling and will be able to weigh myself for the first time in three+ weeks about a week from now.

I usually weigh myself once a week, I don’t own a scale myself (I use one at parents’ house, it’s my only safe scale) and I don’t need to weigh myself every single day. But I need to keep track of general trajectories.

I can already feel myself building up this weigh in a LOT in my head. I kind of need to relax about it but it feels incredibly important that it’s a good number. It’s irrational and disordered but I don’t know how to deal with it.

There are several reasons why I probably won’t like the number, due to normal fluctuations and having traveled. So I’m likely to crash out about it lmao

Do any of you have any ways to deal with situations like this? Common sense doesn’t work 😭

I have a big bruise on my arm from holding my arm while crossing my arms??? I have a bruise on my leg from leaning on it a little bit with my elbow??? I’m covered in mystery bruises from no serious injury, fall or even walking into anything????????

Legit, does taking more iron supplements help with this or what. I take an iron + vitamin C supplement daily but I honestly don’t know if I’m anemic, I should get it checked out. But how tf do I stop looking like a beige, blue and yellow dalmatian from all these fucking BRUISES. Please help 😭

In my case it has always been men who want to sleep with me but it could be anyone, I guess.

”Have you eaten yet today? ❤️” ”please eat something, for me 🥺” ”You don’t need to lose more weight, you’re beautiful the way you are 🥰”

No joke I’ll cut someone off the second they get into that stuff because wtf. I’m not a hobby project, a broken manic pixie dream girl, someone who can be fixed by a true love’s kiss. I won’t be your chance at saving someone or being a knight in shining armor. Shut the fuccccccck up. I’m a human person with a mental illness.

Like sorry but I won’t play their stupid little game where they patronize me or lecture me for being mentally ill, and then expect me to fuck them for it??? In what world is that desireable or cute. I hate it.

Also don’t get me started on when these men find out you have sexual trauma. Bleeding in front of a mf shark. Honestly I’m so sick of being a broken haunted puppet they want to superglue back together with a compliment and weird sexual energy. Ewwwww

I’m in a relapse after over a year in recovery. Before recovery I had an/bp with severe purging and restriction issues and occasional binging. Binging and purging has always been part of my eating disorder.

In this current relapse I’m pretty much strictly restricting. I have only purged a few times in the month or so I have been relapsing (less than once a week), and I have had zero out of control moments or binges.

I just feel that while it is possible that I am in a restrictive relapse, I worry that I will get sucked back into b/p/r cycles. I’m trying to fix the relapse from getting worse but it’s not going super well atm due to the purpose it is filling. But I am terrified of going back to daily b/p issues.

So I was wondering whether any of you anorexics with b/p issues have also had purely restrictive periods. Either while already sick or in a relapse. Or if binging and purging always returns and gets as bad as it used to be 😭