I gained >!1.5kg!< from >!overeating!< as an attempt to recover and now I feel like a failure.........
The only reason I was >!overeating!< was because I felt compelled to finish off food before we go on holiday 😭😭😭😭 but now I feel so gross.....
The problem is just >!binge!< eating isn't sustainable for me because once I start I can't stop eating.... 😭😭😭
I felt awful for eating cake because my brain told me that today was a >!restrict!< day and it's likely I'm going to >!gain!< again and now I'll feel even worse and feel awful on holiday 😭😭😭😭😭😭 especially because I've been >!binging!< the last few days and I've gained so much in a week 😭😭😭😭
I just need some reassurance but I HATE this ED so much 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 my stupid brain hyperfixates and says that I'm bad if I go against what I've told it to do 😭😭😭😭😭
I'm scared that I'm going to get >!overweight!< and >!fat!< in all the areas where I >!lost weight!< in my abdomen and it's already starting to happen so now I feel >!disgusting!<...
I feel like I need to body >!recomp!< so that I don't look like I used to.... because becoming >!overweight!< or going back over a certain weight will make me >!spiral!< downward again...
I feel awful >!overeating!< in recovery as well because of that fear...
I'm also constantly remembering comments my mom made when I was younger..... it makes me not want to >!recover!< at all in case I get >!fat!< and I hear them again.......
Hi, I am a minor but I'm not totally sure about whether I am skinny fat....
Obviously I can't post photos, but it feels like my abdomen and thighs are out of proportion to my arms and calves which are tiny and apparently look like twigs.... naturally my upper body is very skinny whilst my lower body is >!larger!<.
I've been >!gaining!< weight to try and recover from an ongoing ED but now everything looks totally out of proportion because I still have >!bigger thighs!< from rowing and weightlifting. Does that make me skinny fat? I'm still >!underweight!< atm but I'm trying to work on it despite the body dysmorphia.....
WHY WHY WHY DID I DO IT😭😭😭😭😭
I HATE MY BODY AND NOW I WANT TO >!RELAPSE!<, I FEEL GROSS
I'VE GAINED >!4kg!< in 5 days.... I'm trying to recover and I'm SPIRALLING 😭😭😭😭😭
It's probably water weight but now I feel awful about my body, I've >!gained!< back >!fat!< in the places I didn't want to 😭😭😭 and my arms still look like >!twigs!< and my legs look >!bad!<......
I HATE MY BRAIN 😭😭
I went from >!41kg!< to >!45!<kg 😭😭😭😭😭 I've been >!binging!< so badly, I feel like a >!failure!<....
I'm constipated and bloated in ED recovery and now I just want to stop because I feel so >!disgusting!< 😭😭😭 it's only been 4 days and I just want to not >!overeat!< any more.... I don't think not >!exercising!< has helped either because that makes me more regular. I'm already on an osmotic >!laxative!< (have been since I was little for medical reasons) as I had a major bowel resection and that isn't doing a lot to help either, I've been drowning glasses of water and it's not helping either 😭
I look so puffy and my sides look really >!weird!< just from one day to the next..... my abdomen area looked awful in the mirror this morning : (. I haven't looked at the >!scale!< in a few days because that would probably send me over the edge again.....
Do I need to just eat more fibre or just try and wait it out??
I've been eating a lot of bread and dairy and I don't know whether it's just totally overwhelmed me.....
Been feeling really hot the last few days.
It started when I started eating more in recovery and idk whether it's hypermetabolism or whether I'm just making it up because of the heatwave, even though it continued on days without a heatwave....
I'm taking it as a win, I dislike being cold : (
What are your impressions? I hope you enjoy reading it!
-
When he arrives, he's probably surprised to find me patching the sleeve of my tunic - I soon realised how I did it; I snagged it on the rocks, leaving a large tear in one of the sleeves - spread all around me are the pieces of cloth that I'll use to do so. I travel with everything I need: a wooden needle and some thread are all I need. Admittedly, I'm more used to mending nets than clothing, but I don't dare to say that out loud.
I continue to stitch away in silence as he dumps the firewood down beside me with more force than is necessary - clearly he's irritated by the lengthy search that we've had to do just for something that we'd take for granted back home.
He begins to build the fire, muttering under his breath, but it's clear that there's something playing on his mind.
"What is it?" I finally snap, finally staring at him. He pushes a lock of hair out of his face as he replies, something more approaching a scowl present on his face.
"Why are we even here? There's no reason for us to be here! We could have gone to Dunyn, the west coast for all I care!"
I pull the needle through with more force than I intended to have used, causing the edges to scrunch as my fingers clench together. He doesn't understand why I wanted to come here, but I can't him why. I'm not ready to tell him that much. I can't tell him. I have no idea how he'd react to what I have to tell him.
He doesn't know what it would cost me to reveal anything about myself.
I give him a tight smile. "I'll tell you some other time."
He nearly explodes with rage, and I momentarily flinch as the full force of his rage comes upon me. "You say this every single time. Later. Not now. How long will it be until you start lying to me to protect whatever it is you're so desperate to hide." That momentarily takes me aback; I hadn't realised that he was aware that I was hiding something.
I thought I was being so clever, not telling him things, but he saw right through it as easily if I'd told him directly I was hiding something. He must have picked something up.
"I figured it out on the ride over. You tell a thousand stories with your body. I thought it was relief at escaping Eleriad, but now I know it's something entirely different."
I bow my head. I can't tell him. I can't. It would cost me my friendship with him, it would cost me everything that we've fought for together if I told him my secret.
"I'll tell you when I'm ready. Not a moment before." And in that moment, I don't know whether I'll ever be ready to reveal the truth.
"Right." He doesn't say anything more, but I can tell by the way that he turns away from me that he's not entirely convinced by what I've said.
We sit apart for the rest of the night. Clearly he feels betrayed by me not telling him anything, but how could I? He can't understand why I would want to come here, and yet he forgets that this is the only way that we've been able to escape pursuit, to escape the kingdom that's hunting us all for daring to be different, to rebel against everything it's ever told the people.
There's a frosty silence that has settled between us. I cannot break it because I am the one who caused it to occur in the first place. If he never trusts me again, it is not his fault. I have not told the truth whereas he has told me everything. I am being a coward by not facing up to the truth because it is easier, and yet every time I look at him I am reminded of our shared struggle that he has not yet realised.
Something inside tells me that he'd understand my struggle, but another colder part of me, one which has always been cynical of depending upon trust, tells me that I should never reveal it, for fear of what hatred I might bring down upon my own head. I deserve it: for everything that I have taken, for every lie, for every act of forsaking a person I have ever done in my life.
Sometimes I feel that I am hardly better than what I am fighting against, but another part of me maintains that I'm doing it for a just reason. I have lied, cheated and stolen just like they have, but always to stay one step ahead of the game - I may not know my final destination, but I have an idea of how it'll end.
I swore an oath to myself that I'd eventually make my way here. But now that I am here, everything else seems meaningless, in light of everything that I've tried to run away from. This island is full of it; even the flame that burns atop the Clarion is mocking me now, but I cannot run away from my destiny. No matter how much I want to; it is so clearly staring me in the face, even when I wish not to see it.
I can't accept it. It goes against everything I've ever believed in, and yet I must still accept it.
Even as the firelight dwindles into glowing embers, neither of us moves to stoke it. I once thought that we were two ships sailing in the wind, united by a common goal. Now, all it feels like is that our paths are slowly diverging, even when I'm trying to steer after him. I shouldn't pressure him to follow me, but he has been loyal to me. He will follow me to the ends of the Lake, even when he doesn't know our goal, and yet he seems reluctant to.
I know that his heart lies in his own country, far over the water from here. Yet he dares to follow me to a place where he cannot help his own people. He truly wants to help his people, but he knows that he can't do it without support.
Yet, when we go back to his own country, what will await him? Nothing but capture that we've momentarily escaped from. We'll always be running once we go back, because he won't ever stop at anything to find us and bring down revenge upon our own heads. We humiliated Séverin in front of the army - surely that gossip has spread to other garrisons now, and I know that he won't ever forgive us for that act of humiliation - he will always seek retribution for that.
He was cocky; he underestimated the plan that we'd made and Silas's decision to help me was the final straw. Once his mind is set, he will go to whatever lengths he has to in order to help another person - he's proved that to me now - all because he saw an opportunity and capitalised on it. If he'd even waited a little longer, Séverin surely would have caught us in the act, and that would have brought down something even worse on my head.
If we do go back to Eleriad, I'd have to ask Silas to teach me more of his tongue - speaking my own tongue instantly makes me more distinctive, more recognisable - even if it feels like a sacrilege to my own blood to do so. Sometimes, the rare times I speak in his tongue feel like a sin, something that I must do penance for and then never do again. The remarkable fact is how well Silas speaks Aerna, which has helped considerably, as the majority of the Elerian people choose not to speak it - the hatred that most people have for Dunyn is palpable, even in the south, where people weren't as greatly affected, there is still a common hatred that unites them against Dunyn. It's also the reason for all the laws regarding non-Elerian people - a thorn in my side, but it's justified. If I was at the receiving end of a conflict I would have hatred for my enemy. Such is the nature of life - we always find something to hate.
In a way, it's easier to hate people than to try to understand them - it fits with your own view, so it's clear why people don't bother to go against what the majority believes. It's clear to see how the war still divides us, even in everyday life, and just how easy it is to forget those who are different that walk among us.
Even when I first met him, Silas switched from his own language to Aerna - that tiny gesture from him is what made me feel safer around him - it was clear from the very start that he wasn't like everyone else; he actually bothered to look beyond what he had been told, to see who lay beneath. That is why I know he'll be a greater king than any spineless coward who dares to sully the throne of his father.
It's the tiny gestures that have meant the most to me; him talking to me in my own language, showing me what he wouldn't show others, even the way that he's helped me plan, and has dared to defy the command of his leader because he was a brute.
In a way, I have taken that loyalty for granted. If it wasn't for him, I'd likely be a far worse position than I am now; imprisoned or dead, for that matter. At least now I have the luxury of relative freedom, but I know that eventually we'll have to head further inland, and then I'll be forced to face what I was dreading.
I am strangely glad that the night sky is obscured by the Veil tonight. The sight of one particular constellation is enough to make me question every single choice I've ever made. It's a reminder of how I've run from guilt time and time again all because I was too scared to face the past. I may claim to be stronger now, older, but the scared little girl still remains within me, no matter how much I try to quash it, to remove it entirely from my mind.
There are too many scars of my past that lie beneath the surface, each one more painful than the last, each a reminder of every single thing that I have overcome on my journey.
I try to push all the overlapping thoughts out of my mind, and instead try to turn to a more practical issue - even now, my stomach is cramping a little with hunger - between the climb and the meagerness of food over the last few weeks, my body is beginning to feel it - even now my thoughts are that little more sluggish. Normally I'd be able to survive a hollower winter - I'd scrape something from somewhere, but with the amount of running we've been doing recently my body is close to finally faltering.
I pull the haversack towards me, already calculating how many days it'll be until we run out of food entirely, and I'm shocked to feel how light it is. Clearly Silas wasn't expecting us to stay on Maldréa long. There's maybe food for another day or two, but it's probably wise that we make our way towards civilisation before we run out entirely.
"You planned this, didn't you?" I shout into the night air, but he doesn't respond - maybe he's appreciating my irritation, but with a sinking feeling I realise that I'll eventually have to come clean, or else I'll be driven mad.
"Right. We'll go towards Loshan, then. I don't really care!" I'm not trying to be flippant, but the stress of the last few weeks has finally begun to wear me into the ground, and I finally give in.
I try to sleep, for I know that another long day of travel will leave me exhausted, especially when we're barely refreshed from our efforts of yesterday and the long climb earlier today. But despite my best efforts, the night grows longer and longer, and I'm not able to rest - by this point I'm past the point of caring, but my mind flickers back to my family. It's strange that I'd think of them now, not when we're so far away, but I miss them. Not that I'd dare to speak that aloud.
They taught me everything I know; they kept me going even during the worst of times; and they truly gave me some of the happiest memories I have.
I remember the day I caught my first fish; the day I first climbed the Elar Ford; the first time I took down a woodpigeon with my sling; the long sessions with rope-tying that has come to help me so many times over; even the arduous drawing of maps that's helped me to navigate, to not become lost despite all that's changed in my life. Even my mother telling me stories about the dfferent people of the Lake no longer makes me feel grief; instead I am granted a sense of peace that I've not felt for a long time.
Reliving those happy memories is what eventually lulls me to sleep; I am folded in the wings of those same memories, reliving them in a land that only I can see.
When I finally awake, I feel rested; almost ready to take on what might await me. I quickly pull on my clothes, and I'm surprised to see him sitting by the fire, as if we didn't argue last night.
He pulls an apple from where it's been roasting on the fire, and offers it to me. "Peace treaty?" I nod, taking it; whem I bite into it, it tastes like the best food I've ever tasted, because in this moment we are friends once again.
"I'm ready to go." He nods quickly, clearly relieved that I'm finally agreeing with him. "Good." He nods again, almost mechanically, but I'm glad to finally see a smile upon his face once again.
Once the sun has risen high enough in the sky, we're all packed up and ready to go. With the sun blazing high in the sky behind us, we go; both of us cast a final glance back at the clifftop we're leaving behind - it has been our home for a short day, but it has allowed us to reflect upon the many things that exist within us, within the world that we inhabit. This Lake may be small, insignificant, but in this moment it means everything to us - it is where we have grown up, it has sheltered us. Even this plain has helped us to remember what we have lost in war - but yet it has given us a new, tentative hope for the future that everything will eventually right itself.
As we head further across the plain, we can see the landscape begin to change; hills are replaced with flatter land and the grass eventually begins to turn from grass to packed earth to eventually cobblestones. Mairé could be anywhere in the Lake, but yet there is something unique about it.
As we continue down these same cobbled roads, where once people just like us walked and rode, we begin to see the spires of Loshan in the distance, and beyond it the Clarion. The farms look so similar to the ones back in Eleriad, but the deserted villages that we start to pass through remind me of all that this island has lost; what all its people have lost. For nearly a decade and a half, this kingdom has been lost, but yet it still looks nearly new, as if its people have merely gathered elsewhere for a holiday, and not as if there is no one here entirely.
When we come to a large junction, relief fills me. A large signpost stands at the centre, and for the first time in my life, I finally see signs that I can read - something that I never saw in Eleriad, and that is somehow the most reassuring sign.
Because I am home.
It's angry at me again because it told me 'I had a chance to >!restrict!<' and then I didn't because I tried to start recovery and now I feel bad about it all... and I'm so tired of it because I'm going away next week and I'm scared of gaining an excessive amount of weight because then I'll hate myself even more.....
I felt even more guilty tonight because I ate a takeaway (fish and chips).... I'm desperately trying to recover but then it keeps trying to sabotage me... my brain keeps on trying to slam the brakes on and tells me to stop it because I'm >!eating too much!< 😭😭😭
I can eat all this food and then I enjoy it in the moment but then several hours after all the guilt hits me and I immediately feel awful....
I'm tired of it and I just want it to end 😭 but at the same time I selfishly want to >!keep!< this body because I won't get comments about me.... the comments made me insecure and started this all and when I >!gain!< they will probably restart 😭😭😭
I feel like I'm going crazy 😭
I'm afraid I'm going to be trapped between cycles of >!restricting and then bingeing in a quasi-recovery!< and that I'll never recover at all.
I've forced myself to >!lose!< before a week long holiday and I genuinely just don't want to eat pastries or food like pork pie, pretzels etc... but I don't think it's me, I think it's the >!ED!<...
I'm tired of obsessing over food and >!calories!< and I don't know where this is going to end... at my >!lowest!< weight currently and I'm still going down....
I don't want to draw more attention to myself but I feel like I don't deserve to eat what I want to eat in case I get bad exam results, I'm also constantly remembering a comment my mom made when I was younger which makes me scared to >!gain!< weight back...
Please help...
Whenever I can't follow my deficit I get mad, whenever I eat a normal sized lunch I get mad because then I go over maintenance, whenever my parents try to offer me pastries or things for lunch I just feel angry at them for it because I feel like I deserve none of it.
I don't want food unless I physically start eating it so it's so scarily easy for me to >!restrict!<
I'm going on holiday for a week after results day and I'm afraid of the >!weight gain!< I'll get so my brain has been forcing me to >!restrict!< in the runup so that I almost deserve the weight gain....
I'm scared of gaining it back because of one specific my mother made when I was younger and repeated that 'I have a >!lardy arse!<' which sparked my body image issues, I understand that she's worried that I was going to turn into her and not exercise but now all I can remember is that comment swirling around in my head...
I know my parents are worried about me and want me to do my best but it just doesn't help...
Stressed over my GCSE exam results that are coming in 2 weeks time which I'm afraid I'm going to have messed up despite getting only 8s and 9s in my mock and afraid that bad results will send me spiralling... I'm constantly grumpy and the only way I can control my stress is to eat less.....
Whenever I can't follow my deficit I get mad, whenever I eat a normal sized lunch I get mad because then I go over maintenance, whenever my parents try to offer me pastries or things for lunch I just feel angry at them for it because I feel like I deserve none of it.
I don't want food unless I physically start eating it so it's so scarily easy for me to >!restrict!<
I'm going on holiday for a week after results day and I'm afraid of the >!weight gain!< I'll get so my brain has been forcing me to >!restrict!< in the runup so that I almost deserve the weight gain....
I'm scared of gaining it back because of one specific my mother made when I was younger and repeated that 'I have a >!lardy arse!<' which sparked my body image issues, I understand that she's worried that I was going to turn into her and not exercise but now all I can remember is that comment swirling around in my head...
I know my parents are worried about me and want me to do my best but it just doesn't help...
Stressed over my GCSE exam results that are coming in 2 weeks time which I'm afraid I'm going to have messed up despite getting only 8s and 9s in my mock and afraid that bad results will send me spiralling... I'm constantly grumpy and the only way I can control my stress is to eat less.....
All of a sudden baked goods(muffins, bread, pastries etc.), yoghurt, cheese and fast food have become fear foods for me 😭😭
I can only eat 0% yoghurt and I'm avoiding cheese, my excuse for not wanting to eat pastries is that I need to avoid them to stop sugar cravings....😭😭😭
I think I'm looking for control and I don't know the >!calories!< in homemade bread and muffins and other baked good have the same thing and are also >!high calorie!<.
Please help....
Hi, I've figured out how everything is linked for me, at least.
I just want to vent a bit about my frustrations.
This all goes a while back + my ADHD has sort of not helped at all.
When I was little I used to eat like mad (and I could get away with it because we always had breaks and lunch at school where we were running around). Then when I got into secondary school I stopped doing all of what I was doing when I was little because it was discouraged, so I had to make a conscious effort to do this rather than just not think about it.
I stopped playing hockey outfield at the end of Year 7 which didn't help (I was very scrawny still) and then starting from Year 8 I didn't really exercise very much. This prompted some comments from my mom who said that I have 'a >!lardy arse!<' in Year 9 and my self-esteem started to plummet from there. It's really my own fault for not exercising at that point, really 🤷♀️.
Then cue Year 11, right before mocks, I got >!weighed!< (for an appointment) and due to some dental work I'd >!lost!< weight because I couldn't really eat properly for about 3 or 4 months (the appliance causing this has been removed since April so I've been having less restriction about what I can and can't eat). And that's where everything started from.
Once I'd finished mocks, I said for every 8 I got >!I'd lose more weight!<. I got 2 8s in mocks and the rest 9s (still A*s but I'm unfortunately a perfectionist).
Then this spiral started where I was just >!restricting!< at every opportunity I could (ie. lunch at the weekend and most breakfasts).
My parents realised something was up and I started trying to recover first in April, but it didn't last as I headed into GCSEs.
During the second half of GCSEs I stopped exercising at all and just >!restricted!< my meals again. Then I finished my exams and went 'wohoo, I'm never >!restricting!< again.'
And then... I'm in this cycle of restrict restrict then essentially overeat at the weekends as a sort of >!reward!< because my brain associates a >!large!< lunch as being a reward, which is probably tied up with my ADHD as well :(. I'm VERY stressed about my results as well which likely isn't helping because I just constantly keep thinking about my mistakes : (.
I'm scared of >!gaining!< weight now because I have a holiday coming up and I'm scared of it all going back on if I have no motivation to exercise in September when I go back for A Levels because they are a lot harder work than GCSEs..... which is why I'm in my current state.
I'm scared that when I recover I will be criticised again for looking doughy or out of shape....
So yeah, here I am...
I'm desperately trying to recover before I spiral.
I feel like I've been >!overeating!< by eating a >!bigger!< lunch for about a week (I also eat a big dinner) and then as soon as I can I will go back down to a >!restrictive lunch!< again because I've >!gained!< weight and I'm stressing out about this because I'm going away for a week after results day for my exams and I'm scared of >!regaining a lot!< of >!weight!< when I get back to school if it gets really busy.
My mom said that we are baking muffins tonight and I genuinely just want to cry because I >!don't want them!<. I had the next week planned out and now my brain is freaking out because it'll likely send me closer towards >!maintenance!<...
I'm so tired of this all and I just want it to end.
I'm >!depressed!<. I'm worrying about my >!exam results!< and I truly just want to enjoy this summer but I can't because of my fears....
Currently >!41.7kg!< and 160cm tall. I have been eating about >!2100!< a day for the last week and I'm rapidly >!gaining!<, except for 1 day where I ate >!2800!<... the problem is >!weight gain!< on my frame looks weird so I'm trying to stay at a size where I'm happy (before this I used to criticise myself so much because I was >!51.8kg!< at my >!highest!<)
I know it's my brain being stupid but I can't seem to snap out of it.
Hi, I'm trying to recover at the moment but I'm really struggling.
I keep on yo-yoing between weights and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm stressed about going back to school because I don't want to go back to the way I used to look because I'm scared of being told that I look 'bad' by my parents (I didn't really >!exercise!< a lot when I was younger which led to me getting a bit out of shape).
I'm really struggling because I've got a holiday coming up in a few weeks that I'm really looking forward to except I feel like I need to >!restrict now!< in order to >!deserve it!<. As soon as I have an >!excuse!< not to eat a >!big lunch!< I will go back to eating the way I used to because I'm eating a big dinner that my parents portion out for me.
Having ADHD doesn't help me either because I feel equally full regardless of how much I've >!eaten!< (I basically don't get hunger cues...) so that means that I can last a while, I've only been eating >!more!< recently because I've wanted to get my cravings >!out of the way!< before I get back to school and now I don't have any more cravings for anything.
I know I'm in quasi-recovery and I'm trying not to track but it's just getting worse and worse because I feel >!awful!< eating more than my really low >!maintenance!< especially when I just >!sit around!< and that prompts me to just >!restrict more!< when I can.
I'm so tired of this and I want it all to just end 😭😭😭
Hello, I'm 17F, 160cm and currently >!41.7kg!<.
I feel like a fraud because I:
Haven't lost my period
>!Gain!< weight back really quickly as soon as I stop tracking
I'm worried that I'm going to lose control when I get back to school in September because I won't be able to >!exercise!< and I'm worried about being criticised again for my >!weight!<. Therefore my brain is telling me to >!stop recovering!< and >!lose!< more before I go on holiday so that this doesn't happen.
I'm stressed out about exam results and I'm sick of being stuck in this weird cycle.
TW: talking about an ongoing ED in this post
I feel so done with everything.
I feel so... done.
I just want to release everything somewhere.
I can't find any motivation to do anything on the rowing machine whereas I used to be able to do multiple hours (at a low intensity) but now I just can't seem to focus on it. I can't seem to drag myself away from watching Youtube videos...
I can't walk as far as I want to because my parents are home as well, which sort of helps me lose some stress. I've mostly been forced to sit around the house and I feel like I'm going to go insane.
I'm stressed about results day for my exams on the 20th August and my parents really aren't helping by saying it's going to be a disaster even though I put in so much effort to revise and I did well in mocks because I've been remembering all my mistakes and I'm worried that there are other mistakes that I haven't noticed in there. I'm scared of being a failure because my sister got straight A\*s and I probably won't... half of my worry going into the exams was about this as this likely hasn't helped as I got off to a bad start. I feel like now that I've put in so much effort a bad result will irritate me as it doesn't reflect my efforts... I just can't hold it together in an exam it seems.
I'm also really struggling with >!Ed recovery!< and I feel like a failure for >!gaining weight!< because I feel like I'm just going to >!regain it all!< when I go back to school because whenever I get back from school in the evening I don't want to do anything else and I mostly sit around at school anyway. I'm going away for a week after results day and I'm already stressing about my >!weight!< because I'm likely going to >!gain!< a bit as I'm visiting family and we won't really be walking a lot even though I love the landscape, even though I just want to enjoy this summer even though I've fulfilled all my food cravings now so I'm fine going back down to >!eating less!<.
I keep on feeling guilty for eating a lot in recovery.... I feel like I should go back to eating how I was eating before...
I'm scared of going back to the way I used to look and it's so hard....
Looking for general feedback and impressions of my narrator.
Revised edition.
-
When Merranthé flowers late, it is a harbinger of fate.
It is a reminder that the mightiest kingdoms crumbles to dust, that the toughest stone is eroded by the force of nature, which no mortal being alone can withstand. Our fate comes for us all, stretching out its arms, desperately clinging to every part of our being.
That which is written cannot be unwritten.
This rose, this reminder of what lies both before and beyond us, is the sole survivor of the war which left its homeland devastated by war. Such a beautiful flower should not bloom only to warn of Fate, which consumes everything in its path.
My world, this tiny area of fertile land that surrounds the Lake that we call home, has come under great threat only once; but Bryndis of Daerion prevented the homelands of a combined million from being felled by the axe of Dunyn, Rodrik. Bryndis has never been remembered kindly for his sacrifice; rather, his name has become synonymous in history with cowardice, immortalised in an epithet that destroys any last grain of sympathy.
However, despite his actions, the threat has never disappeared; the axe merely lies idle, waiting for the day when someone will raise it aloft to destroy this Lake. Sacrifice has maintained balance, allowed peace to be obtained, but yet it hasn't factored in the human cost of such an action; we have all lost family to this war - myself included.
Even as my vision blurs with tears that I will not to fall, I still unwittingly lower my head to the windowsill. I would invoke Marien, the founder of Maldréa, a kingdom lost to a needless war, except she lies buried upon shores many leagues from here, unable to assist the living despite the claims of folklore. All the tales told about her are stories told to soothe the living, but yet they are the fabrications of another age, a simpler age in which nothing would ever assail her.
I don't even know what I would ask for; I am unable to rewrite the past, no matter how much I wish for that to occur; and what would I wish for then?
I am happy, but yet I wish for something more; ambition, maybe even adventure - just something that would disturb the monotony of everyday life.
I instinctively wince as I hear the telltale scrape of metal against rock; my hand is quicker than my eyes, and I grab the end of a chain that has lain around my neck for the last seven years, stuffing it into my pocket. If the ring at its end is damaged, I’d never forgive myself. It’s the last remaining link to who I am. The last remaining link to my past. The remnants of a mother who gave everything to protect me, all without knowing where her own future would lie.
A past that refuses to be forgotten. I won’t allow it to be forgotten. If we allow the old legends to be forgotten, surely in time the old world will also be forgotten.
It’s not the world which has forgotten us, nor our own deities, but rather us who have forgotten it.
As I swing my leg over the ledge of rock, I’m already scanning the ground for the softest place to land. I don’t do this every day, due to the unnecessary racket it causes, but it’s early in the morning, and it’s likely that only the lightest of sleepers are awake at this hour.
Without a second thought, I launch myself off the sill. The force of the impact is lightened slightly by the pile of discarded hay piled by the kitchen door, but it isn’t the most gentle of landings either. I’ll likely end up with bruises. Seeing as I've crossed the border between childhood and adulthood by coming of age, I am entirely able to dictate my own choices; but yet the freedom associated with such an action still makes me reluctant to act; it has been drilled into me to not do so.
Standing up, I brush the remnants of stray chaff from my cloak, sneaking a glance up at the shuttered windows above my head.
Not a single one moves. That’s better than I was expecting. Usually I’m berated for disturbing someone’s sleep.
Or maybe they’re too busy sleeping off the hangovers from the ludicrous amount of drinking that occurred last night. Just as well my requests to drink were all declined, although I think that Callon would have a thing or two to say if I did. She didn’t drink much either. She's always been level-headed, sensible; whilst I may have asked for a small drink - of which all my pleas were declined - to sample my first experience of adulthood, she was too busy scolding me silently in the background to drink herself - but she's my older sister, even if we're not entirely related by blood, so of course that's expected of her.
Usually, the day where one of us comes of age is marked with a hunt. However, my father opted to keep it slightly less exciting, more out of concern for my safety, but a party was entirely not what I was expecting. Such frivolities are normally reserved for times of bountiful harvests, not during the early winter where food grows ever more scarce by the day.
It’s not every day that you turn fifteen. I was expecting something more elaborate, but I suppose that beggars can’t be choosers. I feel angry tears pricking the sides of my eyes, and I roughly wipe them away.
There's no point in trying to hide, no point in wishing for that which I don't have; my sole direction is into a future that only appears bleak and oppressive - I live in a land where I am not welcome, all because I speak the language of those who opposed this country.
This forest that is my home is an ancient forest; it has existed for centuries. Some say that Ouelle planted the first sapling at its heart. Since that time, it’s only expanded further. Convoys are commonly rerouted around the forest; it's only by a stroke of luck that nobody's managed to find us thus far.
There’s still talk, even now. Rumours are circulating; banners of the Council are being burned and convoys are being disrupted. It’s unlikely to be more than wishful thinking, due to the iron grip that the Imperial Guard has on our land. It’s impossible to think of a way to rebel without being caught – because eventually everyone is caught.
Then what?
Waiting for a hearing that won’t be a hearing. A mere formality at best; because your fate was sealed the moment you were caught. A fate with only one outcome; impossible to escape. It’s best to watch quietly from the shadows, to just go along with what everyone else says. It doesn’t make you complicit; everyone’s just trying to survive. To carve out a life for themselves in an unforgiving world.
Ever since Maldréa’s fall, when the First House ceased to be, life has been much harder. I sometimes wonder how much different life would have been if I lived a life of plenty upon fertile fields and hills, finally able to just be a child, not having to worry about the weight of everything resting on my shoulders. And yet I am trapped in this perpetual cycle of wishing for something which I know cannot occur; I am bound to this very land as if it is my own, when in fact it has tried to reject my presence at nearly every single occasion.
I’ve always survived; maybe not happily, but I’ve lived. Unlike others; my mother passed in the bitterest winter any of us had seen. A winter that took half our number to the grave.
I cannot look upon smoke now without feeling a stab to my chest; every plume is a reminder of how we let go of our dead, of how we rallied just a little longer to survive. That winter stretched longer than a few months; in that winter I was forced to grow up, to realise the harsh realities of this land and also the bitter price of rebellion.
Rebellion has never helped us; I know better now. All it does is bring suffering to those who least deserve it; the kind, the good, the noble, all who are caught in the crossfire of such actions, all so that a select minority can feel as if they have done something good, all when they've hidden in a cosy little hut and waited for others to do their dirty business for them.
But in a way, the act of rebellion was better than just hiding and wishing that the world would just go away by turning a blind eye to it entirely; to just allowing the Imperial Guard to run rampant across this hand.
That reality I can’t hide from, at least not any longer.
There might not be many things which I can change, but even the smallest change I can make, must surely still be a change for the better. Even rebelling is better than hiding, even if it does lead to suffering, because it shows that people are determined to make a change, no matter what occurs.