r/fuckeatingdisorders

I want to recover so bad. I want to be free from this disorder. But part of me is sad because then I’m giving up… me ? Idk I feel like this is me and I know it’s probably the disorder speaking but this has been my life for 6 years and I feel like this is who I am and my personality is all this is. Who will I even be when I recover ? I don’t even remember what I was like before my disorder. I feel like recovering will be giving up a huge part of me. And it’s like… I did all this for what? Years of my life dedicated to this disorder just to give it up like that.. all the work I put in even though it’s harmful it’s like all of these years to this was wasted ..

This type of discussion is probably like a broken record on this subreddit and I apologize but how have you guys coped with changes in your body and not necessarily liking it or accepting it but being semi-neutral about it? I have been giving in to my EH the last month or so and have been noticing changes that cause me a lot of distress. Even the way I handle it seems to reflect restriction though. I find myself going through bouts of EH, and then body checking to make sure I still look “acceptable” to my ED, as in I haven’t visibly gained too much weight. This is definitely an OCD thing for me because I feel the need to keep doing this over and over, and obviously the weight isn’t going to physically show immediately. So basically I’ve been still honoring my EH but as long as it still fits my ED rules and it’s so exhausting that even my OCD and restriction is woven into my recovery.

Sorry this was very long-winded and more word vomiting, I just wanted to see how you guys have been able to cope or at least talk your mind down because I am feeling so lost and alone.

Ugh I have no words, I hate fucking OCD and "magical thinking" I just lost my dog, I held him all night even after he took his last breathe so he wouldn't be alone. I loved him so fucking much! The problem is my OCD and "magical thinking" my curse is: I believe if I weigh a certain amount everything in my life will be okay and even good. But if I go over. then everything turns to shit. I know it isn't my fault and I know I didn't kill my dog, but my stupid fucking brain keeps telling me I did, and it's my fault because I didn't try hard enough to stay at that perfect number to keep him from dying. I'm over 40 years old I know this isn't fucking real, but at the same time it feels so real. I wish more people realized that this disorder is a thousand times more complex than " I just want to be skinny and pretty" bullshit. I'm too old for this, but every time something bad happens this is where my brain immediately goes and I can't stop it. I was just holding him all night watching him slowly pass ( he was already under medical sedation by our vet while we waited for test results) and all I could think about was please please please I promise I won't ever eat again, just please stay with me, I promise I will be a better dog mom by not getting fat so you can stay here with me. How fucking pathetic am I? And I'm a fucking ATHEIST!!!!

i feel like my last two posts have been about me struggling a lost with planning, hesitance for “all-in” and struggles with obsessive tracking. but i wanted to try something different and post some progress and areas of positivity the past few days.

i still haven’t fully committed to the all in approach, but i have increased my intake and cut tracking! some things i’ve noticed:

- my energy is a lot more consistent and i feel like actually talking to people and maintaining conversations!
- my brain fog has gone down and i can focus on homework easier
- i’ve been able to live in the moment more often then looking ahead too much!

though i still have many steps to go, i want to still appreciate the process i made so far.

Somebody today commented on my body in public to their friends specifically about my big back and my flat ass.

I know, they're not desirable features but they tug at my body checking behaviors because they are my worst insecurity. I have always accumulated weight (idk if it's muscle or fat) in that upper region. It makes me look bulky, which is why I'm very picky about clothing.

The only way I could ever get rid of that feature was starving and chipping away at my muscles.

Now that I am in recovery/weight restored that has returned and I'm trying not to cry but I can't believe some people are that rude. and outspoken. probably they're just saying what some people think of me in their heads. It's a big joke online to talk about "big backs" just for enjoying food. why does eating food equal to a shape or weight? it's so cruel. I am also taking many pictures of my back, examining it.

Ignoring these thoughts are very much not simple for me as I have some OCD tendencies. However does anyone know how to not hate a specific feature of your body this much?

and please if possible no suggestions About how my weight will balance out eventually, I have always had this body patterns. thx

Im going through some stressful things in life and unfortunately for me my stress response(exhasperated by depression) is to lose my appetite. i've recently been catching myself falling back into the slippery slope of barely eating throughout the day. Anyone got any tips to make sure i eat enough while i get to a place where im not so stressed? Can't really afford to see a psychiatrist at the moment so im just trying to survive untill i can.