u/salted_eggyolk6

I desperately really really need help and i have no one to talk to about this so i’m here.

To summarize i started recovery on my own in july and everything was going really well, then at the start of this august my family spontaneously decided to include me on a huge family vacation in october where i’ll be visiting extended family members for the first time in like 4 years and also to celebrate my 24th birthday there. This came out of nowhere and it made me relapse straight back into my restrictive ed ever since. I’m stressed and anxious all the time, the headaches are killing me, i’ve barely been sleeping and worst of all the food noise came back way worse than before. I tried to talk to my mom about it, she doesn’t know i have an eating disorder but i still did in hopes maybe she’ll be concerned for me and tell me not to diet again but once again all she did was laugh and actually ENCOURAGED me to lose weight. I even bought new clothes for my vacation all in the biggest size but my brain’s still convinced i won’t be able to fit into them. There’s still a whole month left until october and i don’t want to relapse i wanna be able to actually enjoy my vacation but i’m so so terrified of my family commenting about my weight gain and just talking about my body in general. I don’t have friends and getting a therapist or dietitian is out of the question due to financial reasons. I’m literally struggling physically and mentally but i can’t find the strength nor reasons to stop this relapse and nobody around me gets it at all.

Not really asking for advice btw just wanted to share my struggles. Yesterday night I couldn’t sleep due to extreme food noise even though I was exhausted out of my mind, it was so intense it actually gave me migraines, i was literally crying and tossing around in bed for hours begging my brain to just let me fall asleep but my brain was just wide awake and constantly thinking about food even though i already had dinner, and i was supposed to be up at 5am to get ready for work but i couldn’t fall asleep until 7am, and even then i still couldn’t stay fully asleep, i woke up 5hrs later even more exhausted than before and obviously had to call off work which really really bummed me (but still i’d rather take the day off than push myself and collapse at work because i already work a physically demanding job). Crying out of frustration because you can’t fall asleep is genuinely such a miserable feeling. At one point i thought maybe i should just give in to what i’m craving and eat it and maybe then i’ll finally be able to sleep, but i ended up not doing it because i didn’t want to upset my stomach. This isn’t even the first time I’ve been dealing with this but last night was honestly on another level of mental and physical torture. I’m honestly really scared that this would happen again and cause me to miss work and possibly even lose my job.

For context I have a pretty long history of restriction and dieting, I’ve already been suffering from insomnia but having eating disorders just worsen it by like 100 times. I tried to heal and recover but keep relapsing back to restriction every time.

I don’t care anymore I just want to eat, I want to throw my scale away I don’t care if I get fat, I can’t deal with the food noise anymore it’s genuinely making me suicidal like from the moment i wake up to the moment i fall asleep it’s food food food and these food cravings are driving me absolutely insane