r/EatingDisorders

I recently weighed myself and I am not happy with my weight. I’ve been trying to relapse, but I just can’t. It seems impossible. Especially that skinny is in and my clothes are barely fitting. I just feel so disgusting and my birthday is coming up soon. I just want to rip the flesh off my body. How do I make peace with my body and mind? I feel so out of control. I genuinely don’t want to relapse, how do I make these thoughts go away?

I married the love of my life on May 2nd of this year.

For years, I refused to get married if I couldn't fit in a dress that was always too small for me. I thought I was unworthy of love if I didn't hit a certain weight or size.

When I went into treatment 3 years ago, I made as much progress as anyone does when they want their life back but wasn't ready to completely let go of their disorder. I did get my life back while still struggling. My boyfriend of 4 years and I talked about marriage after we both got help with our mental health. We loved each other, but I secretly wanted to lose weight before we got engaged and married. I worked hard on radical acceptance, making progress in what most professionals considered to be healthy timeline. I just didn't want to let that one thing go.

Everything changed when my mother went into hospice this year. I wanted her to see me get married. Knowing this, my now husband proposed to me on Valentines Day, and we started rushing to get everything ready by May. I ordered a beautiful, used dress online and got it tailored to fit just right. It didn't hit me until I was standing in my dress at the tailors, that I hadn't thought about my weight or sizes or anything other than how beautiful I looked.

I had no time to worry about that stuff. I look at my wedding photos now, and I don't see a bride in a bigger body. I see a bride and groom. I see my family being happy for the first time in months. I see my mom, who I did all of this for, smiling for the last time before she left us 2 weeks later.

I couldn't have done that 3 years ago. All the things I sacrificed were worth it. None of that matters to me anymore. I'll always have this disorder, it was show up when I least expect it. I'm ready take it on with the love of my husband and the memories I have with my mom.

I’ve been seeing a dietician for the past three weeks. She gave me a meal plan to follow, and I started eating according to the plan every day. My dietitian told me that following the meal plan was the only option I had to prevent being admitted to inpatient care.

But eating according to the meal plan has become increasingly difficult. The reason is the feeling of having a lump in my throat, and the sensation of food being stuck after swallowing. This issue seems to become worse every day, and it has made me dread every single meal.

I informed my dietitian about this issue, and asked her if it was possible for me make swaps (drinking something nutritious instead of eating solid foods). She told me that it’s best if I try to eat solid food, but it’s okay for me to swap foods with liquids such as smoothies or an extra glass of milk. I wanted to ask her about ONS (oral nutritional supplements) since this would give me the nutrition she wants me to eat. However, I felt that since I don’t “look ill” she won’t feel it’s necessary for me to get ONS.

This issue with my throat and swallowing doesn’t just apply for food. It’s also really hard to swallow pills, and after brushing my teeth I get a lump in my throat. I end up not feeling hungry most of the time, and I fear that my dietitian will feel I’m not trying my best. I don’t want to get admitted. I’m not asking for a medical diagnosis. I’m seeking advice and wanted to know if some of you have had the same issue? I’m planning on telling my GP about this next week.

Lately when I purge, I struggle to get up much solid food no matter how hard I try. I am not seeking tips, because I know this isn’t good behavior, but what I am seeking is validation or clarification. Is this normal? Is it a sign of damage to my body? Has anyone else suddenly lost the ability to effectively purge? It seems like all I can get up is liquid and a few pieces of the food. Much less “effective” than I used to be.

Any information helps. I’m just scared that something has happened.

I used to be borderline overweight, then borderline underweight and I’m back to being heavier than I was at the start. I want to recover and loose weight healthier but I somehow miss how ‘sick’ I was. How thin I was. I know my weight then was very unhealthy and even my partner would comment that I was deathly skinny and is proud of me. But I just can’t shake it.

Would this indicate that I’m not as close to recovering fully as a might have thought? I’ve heard other people say that they aren’t when they think like this. And that sometimes it never really goes away.

So, I'm not sure how to start this, but as the title

suggests, eating disorder, and it may have been going on for longer than I'd like to admit. I realised this about a week or so ago, when I noticed that I find it very hard to eat if there's nobody to tell me to or monitor me, I've gone 3 days comfortably without any food, and I can't help but check my body at every reflective surface I pass. At first, I just tried to play it off as just forgetting and just wanting to check my "build", but I really can't keep lying to myself. I feel like this may be stemming from my past relationships with food; I haven't necessarily always had the best experience. From when I was younger and in ballet to when I was older (still a kid) and living with my abusive auntie, who only allowed me to eat the rotten and leftover food. So now I feel like food is either something to be earned (eg; I have to finish so and so chores before I can eat) or only if necessary (until my stomach hurts or I feel physically weak). I only started to realise how bad my relationship with food was when people started asking what my favourite food is and I realised I don't have one and that I also don't really enjoy most food anymore almost like I can't really taste it. And I feel like it's starting to affect my health, I don't know tbh.

My partner suffers from an eating disorder. We have a small child. How concerned should I be that she is going to pass along this eating disorder/mental health crisis onto my child? And in turn creating a chain reaction of generational trauma that my child will have to deal with, and then potentially she passes on to her children. Creating a generational trauma chain. Is this a real valid concern?

I want to recover but I can't because I know that I will just go back to being overweight seeing as Im just at a healthy weight. Not to mention that my doctor will start nagging me about being overweight. But it's just so exhausing living like this. I eat so little and can only dreaming of being able to eat normal. On top of that I want to eat even less than I do now even though I am very tired. I've never really known what normal eating is like because I've dealt with food and body image problems for so long. I don't want to wait until I end up underweight but I just can't live with myself if I go back to being overweight. I feel like recovery could be triggering for me. I just don't know what to do.

I’m typically a rather adequate writer but I don’t even care anymore.

I need to stop throwing up. My parents get suspicious when I’m in the bathroom for so long so I sometimes do it in my room, and since bags make to much noise and are hard to clean, I brought a bunch of little plastic bowls in my room and throw up in there. Of course not everything fits in it so I end up still having food in me and I’ve gained so much weight this week. I haven’t weighed myself in almost half of a month out of fear. I finally did it and I’m freaking out crying in the bathroom holding my stomach. Ik I probably can’t give (three letters and starts with a b) but I’m under the underweight line for adults, but still average for a minor. I used to be underweight and have a thigh gap, which is incredibly difficult considering how short I am. I never did sh but I’ve scratched my legs in hope of cutting off the fat (illogical ik) and this weekend I treid out of curiosity to do a little bit but the razor was too old and blunt, also I’m afraid if I go to the doctor they’ll see. But now I just want to take a big rectangular kitchen knife and slice through the fat on my upper thighs, maybe even on my stomach. (I won’t though)

Anyways about the throw up thing I’ve spilled it all over my bedsheets and had to scrub it with makeup remover and white paint (my mother was right outside my room and I didn’t want her too see.) I’ve spilled it on the floor countless time, and on my clothes. I even got barf ALL over my nicest sweater 😭

Now the most disgusting thing happened. I hid a few bowl around my room last week and forgot about them. I went to take them yesterday and lo and behold, two of them (that were under my bed 🤮) had THICK layers of mold on them. I was shaking, even though I’m not one to get grossed out easily. A little bit of mold on bread? No big deal. But INCHES of mold on something that came out of me!?!? And I had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out :( I thought that was going to be my wakeup call, but nope- I’m back at it today at my toilet.

Although now that I weighed myself I don’t think I can ever eat again. If I eat again I’m going to want to die. I hate food but I keep on eating it.

i’ve been struggling with anorexia for half a year now. not as long as others, but it has still worsened, and it is likely at its worst these past 2 months.

i’ve been eating more because i graduated this week and ive been attending gradation parties, my own included. my family has baked me several cakes, gotten me all my favorite sweets, took me out for all my favorite meals. ive been eating way above what ive been eating, and what im
comfortable with. today, i ate 2 slices of cake, a donut, and still had breakfast and dinner, and i feel so nauseous thinking about it.

does anyone have any advice coping with eating more? i know im eating the average amount for a lot of people, but i still have this anxious feeling im going to gain weight or that people are judging me or something. i’m trying to use this week as a way to recover, but im struggling.

I’m 19 and in university, so I’m fairly new to solely living with and relying on my peers.

I’ve been in a mild-moderate bulimia relapse for months now and it’s looking like I’ll be struggling to various degrees for a long time.

Is it worth telling my close friends? Or should I just carry on as usual without mentioning it?

I’m also not sure what I would even say if I was going to open up. My friends are all aware that I’ve had other metal health struggles in the past, but since eating disorders are a very active illness I feel like opening up would be very different.

im stuck in anorexia, but its not even about the mental part anymore. i dont even fear gaining weight, instead, the reason i cant get better is because i physically cant eat more and if i force it, i will feel even more terrible.

im pretty sure i completely messed up my digestion over the years. i barely feel hungry, and i will keep feeling full even after several hours of eating. i cant eat normal-sized meals anymore and sometimes even a glass of water is enough to make feel like im going to explode.

my bathroom habits are also messed up. i have had constipation for a very long time. every 2 weeks or so i get so bloated that i feel extremely uncomfortable and i cant eat anything at all..

i tried forcing it, or just simply being more patient but its been more than a year and i just keep losing weight. despite eating very little, im constantly bloated and feel full.

how do i reverse this? has anyone struggled with the same thing?

Hey everyone,

Like 7 years ago for a couple months I used to struggle with binging and purging and honestly I didn’t really count it as an eating disorder and I never told anyone. I didn’t loose any weight, no one noticed, and once I realized how seriously I can mess up my body I stopped altogether.

Up until now I’ve been cruising by but I got put on a new medication by my doctor. I just met with her today and I told her I was doing good but I’m not doing good at all and I don’t know how to tell her. Even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes cause I’m so ashamed.

My new medication made me increasingly hungry and it really triggered me even though it’s been 7 years. I figured that the only way I can stop weight gain from being overly hungry is to control and crack down on what I eat completely. It wasn’t meant to be like this but I started tracking my calories again. I was gonna eat like a healthy amount of calories a day and I was like yeah that’s fine there’s no issue but now I’m thinking and I’m like maybe I should do less cause I’m not physically active most days. I started having bad thoughts and now I’m scared of so many foods. I stopped eating some of my favorite foods and now I track every minuscule thing I consume.
I didn’t mean to but my grandma bought cake over and I ended up purging cause I went over my calorie limit.
I’m afraid things are getting out of hand so fast and I meet with my doctor again in a month and I just don’t know how to tell her about this.
Honestly I still don’t accept this is real because I’m eating 3 meals a day and some fruit so it’s fine. so it doesn’t feel valid it doesn’t feel like I have a problem but I know I do because I’m scared and I don’t want to be like this and I’m scared it’s gonna go farther.

I don’t know how to tell this to my doctor because honestly this was kind of one of our last resort medication options and I really don’t want to change medications again but I’m losing my mind.
I’m scared.

bro. it is so hard to eat. idk whats happening to me, i was told i have disordered eating, and i am going multiple days with no food and im still not hungry!!! i even workout!!!

i went to some comfort food and i could only do like one bite before feeling extremely full. im finding it super difficult to eat ANYTHING. someone help me!!!! PLEASE HELP ME. How do i eat!!! i am losing so much weight. HOW DO I GET MY APPETITE BACK. PLEASE.

i dont think i have anorexia because i WANT to eat. i literally physically cant.

Hello, I really need some help..
Im very VERY worried that my little brother (13) is on the path to developing an eating disorder. Especially the way he talks about his body calling himself “fat” and saying he needs to stop eating so much “junk” and talking about these “Maxxing” videos online. even though he’s very normal for a Teenage boy (I think its definitely some form of body dysmorphia). Now he wants to exercise and eat zero “bad” foods so he can lose his “fat.” It makes me so worried because I’ve seen this pipeline and I know my brother. He’s tried to starve himself before (which he told me about). He doesn’t do that anymore but that confession alone scared me really bad. Our Mum doesn’t know about that. He’s been bullied about his weight too. I also noticed he started using our scale very frequently.

I feel like, because he’s a boy the warning signs aren’t taken serious by my mum or anyone else I could tell because he’s painting it as if he wants to get “healthy” which is bullshit because he IS healthy. Teenage boys just eat a lot it’s so normal for his age, he’s growing. I have thought of talking to my mum about it but it’s hard especially because I think the way she talks about herself, calling herself “gross” because she feels fat, saying she shouldn’t eat this or that because It’ll make her fat…it breaks my heart when she talk about herself like that. And it’s frequent.

It doesn’t give the best example for my brother when you grow up with an already negative talk about food and bodies from the person you’re supposed to look up to. But I fear if I tell her that the way she negatively talks about herself might impact him this way she’ll feel like im blaming her. I also don’t think that she would take my concerns seriously, she might say im overreacting.

I don’t think Im overreacting but I don’t know Im unsure. I need help on how to support him without pressuring him but I fear he’s too far into it. I’ve tried talking about it with him in quiet moments but it’s like, Im rather on the skinny side and I don’t gain weight at all so he doesn’t really feel like I get how he feels and he’s right, I don’t, I’ll never know how he feels and saying I do would be a lie. I don’t know how I can help him and Im out of ideas. Im just so worried.

Sorry if this sounds messy but Im really anxious and I don’t know what else to do and I wanna do something against it before it’s too late.

I had told my friend I’m really struggling lately with my ED. They keep talking about their GLP-1. When I asked them to stop, it made them mad. I know they need to take it for their health, but I’m really struggling with my restricting and compensatory behaviors and it was really making it worse for me.

my best friend has an eating disorder — a bad one. hes been admitted to the hospital before for inpatient, and his heart has stopped before, so he had to be revived. he has doctors appointments weekly, sometimes more often. i feel like im failing as a friend. i know its not my fault, but i just wish that there was more i could do. hes not in hospital anymore because he gained enough weight for them to let him leave, but he still restricts to the point where even one meal a day is pushing it for him. im a teen girl and im close to being hospitalised for an ed, but i just feel like i dont totally understand because hes a guy and eating disorders dont really manifest in the same way. if we hang out ill try to make him eat (which he usually wont anyways) but i dont want to be pushy because i know that someone forcing you to eat royally sucks. hes being voluntarily admitted this time for some like, twelve week program. talking to him about it made me realise how illogical eating disorders are, because even though he isnt actively suicidal, hed risk dying again to be skinnier, and that really hurts to hear. i wish there was more i could do to help that isnt just… talking about it and force feeding him. any tips?

i’m recovering on my own and nobody around me knows i have an ed. but my dad would say stuff like “your face looks so much paler than your friends” in front of my friends and this made me so upset. i was in recovery when this happened. this is one of the minor things i could remember.

my dad also said that i’m getting better at eating. i felt very conflicted cuz i don’t wanna relapse but i honestly feel so out of control during recovery. (is this normal?)

i think my mindset has gotten so much better after actively recovering. i rarely restricts myself but this feels like losing self control. like sometimes i would munch on things without even noticing.

I am 16 and have been recovering for a month, now fully weight restored, HA recovered and i think i might even overshoot. I eat a little less than at the start, but i am still very hungry. People around me don't really believe me when i get hungry so early after a meal and i have to wait a little longer until i eat and it drives me crazy. I eat healthy with some healthy snacks, sugar in moderation, simply because this is what i have always done and is not driven by my ED, but my portions are still disproportionately big and i eat a lot of nuts, peanut butter, butter, cheese, etc... I want to eat like a normal person now. I just found my dream skirt and if i gain any more weight i will not be able to wear it ): i have been looking for it for years and years and years . Also i do not work out, i feel like i am not in the right headspace, but I don't know if i am just lazy 🙁 i really want to, though.

Any advice, please? Big or small, I just need something to hang on to for my sanity

Has anyone had any luck finding an ED specialized therapist online? I am struggling and I could really use some support but I haven’t had much luck in finding a therapist.