u/Alarming-Cicada6663

i will do literally everything in my power to be able to eat alone and uninterrupted. If someone comes in the room while i’m eating I get seriously so upset

feel like some people with this ed want others to know/ almost try to showcase their struggle, but also some people try to hide it and make it seem like they’re normal

I am a normal, healthy weight and so i don’t look like someone who struggles with a restrictive ed so sometimes I’ll find myself trying to “showcase” my ed in certain ways because i “want” to have anorexia but don’t fit the physical criteria. I just had new roommates move in so it’s been relevant there. I’m almost trying to “show off” in a sense but I probably just look like an idiot😭

I feel like some people with this ed want others to know/ almost try to showcase their struggle, but also some people try to hide it and make it seem like they’re normal

I am a normal, healthy weight and so i don’t look like someone who struggles with a restrictive ed so sometimes I’ll find myself trying to “showcase” my ed in certain ways because i “want” to have anorexia but don’t fit the physical criteria. I just had new roommates move in so it’s been relevant there. I’m almost trying to “show off” in a sense but I probably just look like an idiot😭

i feel like some people with this ed want others to know/ almost try to showcase their struggle, but also some people try to hide it and make it seem like they’re normal

I am a normal, healthy weight and so i don’t look like someone who struggles with a restrictive ed so sometimes I’ll find myself trying to “showcase” my ed in certain ways because i “want” to have anorexia but don’t fit the physical criteria. I just had new roommates move in so it’s been relevant there. I’m almost trying to “show off” in a sense but I probably just look like an idiot😭

I’m sure every place is different and i’m sure it’s different for every ed, but if you’ve been what was it like and what was your experience? Currently struggling with atypical ana and over-exercise if that narrows it down at all🙃

I got a time slot today to buy tickets, but it looks like artistic gymnastics isn’t even an option!

I’ve been in and out of therapy for my aan for almost 3 years now, with a few gaps in between… I went to IOP at around this time last year and it didn’t really help. Honestly, at the time I wanted to “prove” that I was sick because on the outside, I was the healthiest one there, so I almost “rebelled” when I was there. I got out of IOP in late August 2025 and in the middle of October I gave recovery a solid go. I gained some weight but was ultimately stuck and ended up in PHP in December. I got out in the middle of January. While I was there, I absolutely felt like I was treated differently than the other patients in a sense of it felt like i wasent taken as seriously. Ide get into my “evidence” but then this post would be even longer than it already is lol. I know there are many different reasons for different treatments for different patients but all around I just felt like I was treated as less than. I already knew I was the “healthiest” one there and I already *felt* like I wasent “sick enough” so getting treated differently made me so sad. I almost went from *feeling* not sick enough to *knowing* it and it just felt crappy. Having an ed that takes over your life but having a normal body sucks lol.

Also while I was there, I started binge / over eating sometimes due to eh which was scary, discrediting and overwhelming. This has happened before in recovery attempts. Sometimes it feels like my team is more worried about me binge eating than other things. That said, I do bring it up a lot because it’s something i’m fearful of and something I hate that happens to me, as anyone with a restrict ed would. (My exact diagnosis is “Atypical Anorexia with intermittent binge/ over eating…which isn’t technically wrong I guess but definitely makes the “not sick enough” feeling worse🙃)

Now for the part that is actually current:

For a lot of my ed I made sure to get a certain amount of steps in, but it wasent considered excessive. I kept eating and gaining weight while exercising normally even though this caused extreme stress because I couldn’t stand the body I was in. In about April of this year I majorly increased my daily step count and it’s just been going up since. I also started to restrict again (not as much as when I was at my worst. The amount of calories I eat in a day would be considered “normal”, though I eat almost the exact same things every single day with minimal lenience) With all of this, my weight dropped a decent bit. I’m still a healthy weight, not at my lowest weight and physically healthy, but my life is absolutely shit. I do nothing but walk all. day. I don’t ever leave my house except to go to work and any type of last minute plans, or plans in general, cause *anger*. I have no life. I still struggle with over eating / binging sometimes so on the days that that happens, I almost double the amount of steps I get on a normal day.

I have recently been asked not return to therapy/outpatient treatment for a while due to “lack of readiness”. I wouldn’t say that’s true, i’m just struggling. I’ve been at higher weights before which caused a ton of stress, anxiety and sadness. I want to recover and stop waking and just be able to eat but I feel like I can’t. My body doesn’t let me not. During this little relapse, I've gone into therapy and spilled my guts about all the anxiety's I have about recovery and instead of giving me helpful tools or even just validating me, it almost feels like i get in trouble. It almost feels like she just doesn't really listen... but at the same time i've been with her for almost 3 years so | value her word (even when it's brusque) and it feels weird to leave/ stop going.

Im also dealing with my parents recent divorce, ssri withdrawl and a handful of other life stresses and major life changes. I literally can’t keep my head on straight and my therapist basically told me not to come back to treatment due to "lack of readiness".

It feels like i've been screaming for help because my life is unmanageable, but instead of seeing that she told me to leave Imao. That said, I also try and see it from her side and maybe i'm not coming off the way i'm meaning to and maybe i am making it seem like i'm just being stubborn and unwilling to change even if that's not the case.

I don’t want to gain weight. I HATE my body. I’m embarrassed of my body. At the same time, I wish I could have a life and I can’t. (I have another reason besides the ed that makes my social life abnormal, but that would be a post about as long as this one lol)

Ultimately, what would you do in my situation?

I’ve been in and out of therapy for my aan for almost 3 years now, with a few gaps in between… I went to IOP at around this time last year and it didn’t really help. Honestly, at the time I wanted to “prove” that I was sick because on the outside, I was the healthiest one there, so I almost “rebelled” when I was there. I got out of IOP in late August 2025 and in the middle of October I gave recovery a solid go. I gained some weight but was ultimately stuck and ended up in PHP in December. I got out in the middle of January. While I was there, I absolutely felt like I was treated differently than the other patients in a sense of it felt like i wasent taken as seriously. Ide get into my “evidence” but then this post would be even longer than it already is lol. I know there are many different reasons for different treatments for different patients but all around I just felt like I was treated as less than. I already knew I was the “healthiest” one there and I already \*felt\* like I wasent “sick enough” so getting treated differently made me so sad. I almost went from \*feeling\* not sick enough to \*knowing\* it and it just felt crappy. Having an ed that takes over your life but having a normal body sucks lol.

Also while I was there, I started binge / over eating sometimes due to eh which was scary, discrediting and overwhelming. This has happened before in recovery attempts. Sometimes it feels like my team is more worried about me binge eating than other things. That said, I do bring it up a lot because it’s something i’m fearful of and something I hate that happens to me, as anyone with a restrict ed would. (My exact diagnosis is “Atypical Anorexia with intermittent binge/ over eating…which isn’t technically wrong I guess but definitely makes the “not sick enough” feeling worse🙃)

Now for the part that is actually current:

For a lot of my ed I made sure to get a certain amount of steps in, but it wasent considered excessive. I kept eating and gaining weight while exercising normally even though this caused extreme stress because I couldn’t stand the body I was in. In about April of this year I majorly increased my daily step count and it’s just been going up since. I also started to restrict again (not as much as when I was at my worst. The amount of calories I eat in a day would be considered “normal”, though I eat almost the exact same things every single day with minimal lenience) With all of this, my weight dropped a decent bit. I’m still a healthy weight, not at my lowest weight and physically healthy, but my life is absolutely shit. I do nothing but walk all. day. I don’t ever leave my house except to go to work and any type of last minute plans, or plans in general, cause \*anger\*. I have no life. I still struggle with over eating / binging sometimes so on the days that that happens, I almost double the amount of steps I get on a normal day.

I have recently been asked not return to therapy/outpatient treatment for a while due to “lack of readiness”. I wouldn’t say that’s true, i’m just struggling. I’ve been at higher weights before which caused a ton of stress, anxiety and sadness. I want to recover and stop waking and just be able to eat but I feel like I can’t. My body doesn’t let me not. During this little relapse, I've gone into therapy and spilled my guts about all the anxiety's I have about recovery and instead of giving me helpful tools or even just validating me, it almost feels like i get in trouble. It almost feels like she just doesn't really listen... but at the same time i've been with her for almost 3 years so | value her word (even when it's brusque) and it feels weird to leave/ stop going.

Im also dealing with my parents recent divorce, ssri withdrawl and a handful of other life stresses and major life changes. I literally can’t keep my head on straight and my therapist basically told me not to come back to treatment due to "lack of readiness".

It feels like i've been screaming for help because my life is unmanageable, but instead of seeing that she told me to leave Imao. That said, I also try and see it from her side and maybe i'm not coming off the way i'm meaning to and maybe i am making it seem like i'm just being stubborn and unwilling to change even if that's not the case.

I don’t want to gain weight. I HATE my body. I’m embarrassed of my body. At the same time, I wish I could have a life and I can’t. (I have another reason besides the ed that makes my social life abnormal, but that would be a post about as long as this one lol)

Sorry this got SO insanely long. Ultimately, what would you do in my situation?

I’ve been in and out of therapy for my aan for almost 3 years now, with a few gaps in between… I went to IOP at around this time last year and it didn’t really help. Honestly, at the time I wanted to “prove” that I was sick because on the outside, I was the healthiest one there, so I almost “rebelled” when I was there. I got out of IOP in late August 2025 and in the middle of October I gave recovery a solid go. I gained some weight but was ultimately stuck and ended up in PHP in December. I got out in the middle of January. While I was there, I absolutely felt like I was treated differently than the other patients in a sense of it felt like i wasent taken as seriously. Ide get into my “evidence” but then this post would be even longer than it already is lol. I know there are many different reasons for different treatments for different patients but all around I just felt like I was treated as less than. I already knew I was the “healthiest” one there and I already *felt* like I wasent “sick enough” so getting treated differently made me so sad. I almost went from *feeling* not sick enough to *knowing* it and it just felt crappy. Having an ed that takes over your life but having a normal body sucks lol.

Also while I was there, I started binge / over eating sometimes due to eh which was scary, discrediting and overwhelming. This has happened before in recovery attempts. Sometimes it feels like my team is more worried about me binge eating than other things. That said, I do bring it up a lot because it’s something i’m fearful of and something I hate that happens to me, as anyone with a restrict ed would. (My exact diagnosis is “Atypical Anorexia with intermittent binge/ over eating…which isn’t technically wrong I guess but definitely makes the “not sick enough” feeling worse🙃)

Now for the part that is actually current:

For a lot of my ed I made sure to get a certain amount of steps in, but it wasent considered excessive. I kept eating and gaining weight while exercising normally even though this caused extreme stress because I couldn’t stand the body I was in. In about April of this year I majorly increased my daily step count and it’s just been going up since. I also started to restrict again (not as much as when I was at my worst. The amount of calories I eat in a day would be considered “normal”, though I eat almost the exact same things every single day with minimal lenience) With all of this, my weight dropped a decent bit. I’m still a healthy weight, not at my lowest weight and physically healthy, but my life is absolutely shit. I do nothing but walk all. day. I don’t ever leave my house except to go to work and any type of last minute plans, or plans in general, cause *anger*. I have no life. I still struggle with over eating / binging sometimes so on the days that that happens, I almost double the amount of steps I get on a normal day.

I have recently been asked not return to therapy/outpatient treatment for a while due to “lack of readiness”. I wouldn’t say that’s true, i’m just struggling. I’ve been at higher weights before which caused a ton of stress, anxiety and sadness. I want to recover and stop waking and just be able to eat but I feel like I can’t. My body doesn’t let me not. During this little relapse, I've gone into therapy and spilled my guts about all the anxiety's I have about recovery and instead of giving me helpful tools or even just validating me, it almost feels like i get in trouble. It almost feels like she just doesn't really listen... but at the same time i've been with her for almost 3 years so | value her word (even when it's brusque) and it feels weird to leave/ stop going.

Im also dealing with my parents recent divorce, ssri withdrawl and a handful of other life stresses and major life changes. I literally can’t keep my head on straight and my therapist basically told me not to come back to treatment due to "lack of readiness".

It feels like i've been screaming for help because my life is unmanageable, but instead of seeing that she told me to leave Imao. That said, I also try and see it from her side and maybe i'm not coming off the way i'm meaning to and maybe i am making it seem like i'm just being stubborn and unwilling to change even if that's not the case.

I don’t want to gain weight. I HATE my body. I’m embarrassed of my body. At the same time, I wish I could have a life and I can’t. (I have another reason besides the ed that makes my social life abnormal, but that would be a post about as long as this one lol)

Sorry this got SO insanely long. Ultimately, what would you do in my situation?

I’ve been in and out of therapy for my aan for almost 3 years now, with a few gaps in between… I went to IOP at around this time last year and it didn’t really help. Honestly, at the time I wanted to “prove” that I was sick because on the outside, I was the healthiest one there, so I almost “rebelled” when I was there. I got out of IOP in late August 2025 and in the middle of October I gave recovery a solid go. I gained some weight but was ultimately stuck and ended up in PHP in December. I got out in the middle of January. While I was there, I absolutely felt like I was treated differently than the other patients in a sense of it felt like i wasent taken as seriously. Ide get into my “evidence” but then this post would be even longer than it already is lol. I know there are many different reasons for different treatments for different patients but all around I just felt like I was treated as less than. I already knew I was the “healthiest” one there and I already *felt* like I wasent “sick enough” so getting treated differently made me so sad. I almost went from *feeling* not sick enough to *knowing* it and it just felt crappy. Having an ed that takes over your life but having a normal body sucks lol.

Also while I was there, I started binge / over eating sometimes due to eh which was scary, discrediting and overwhelming. This has happened before in recovery attempts. Sometimes it feels like my team is more worried about me binge eating than other things. That said, I do bring it up a lot because it’s something i’m fearful of and something I hate that happens to me, as anyone with a restrict ed would. (My exact diagnosis is “Atypical Anorexia with intermittent binge/ over eating…which isn’t technically wrong I guess but definitely makes the “not sick enough” feeling worse🙃)

Now for the part that is actually current:

For a lot of my ed I made sure to get a certain amount of steps in, but it wasent considered excessive. I kept eating and gaining weight while exercising normally even though this caused extreme stress because I couldn’t stand the body I was in. In about April of this year I majorly increased my daily step count and it’s just been going up since. I also started to restrict again (not as much as when I was at my worst. The amount of calories I eat in a day would be considered “normal”, though I eat almost the exact same things every single day with minimal lenience) With all of this, my weight dropped a decent bit. I’m still a healthy weight, not at my lowest weight and physically healthy, but my life is absolutely shit. I do nothing but walk all. day. I don’t ever leave my house except to go to work and any type of last minute plans, or plans in general, cause *anger*. I have no life. I still struggle with over eating / binging sometimes so on the days that that happens, I almost double the amount of steps I get on a normal day.

I have recently been asked not return to therapy/outpatient treatment for a while due to “lack of readiness”. I wouldn’t say that’s true, i’m just struggling. I’ve been at higher weights before which caused a ton of stress, anxiety and sadness. I want to recover and stop waking and just be able to eat but I feel like I can’t. My body doesn’t let me not. During this little relapse, I've gone into therapy and spilled my guts about all the anxiety's I have about recovery and instead of giving me helpful tools or even just validating me, it almost feels like i get in trouble. It almost feels like she just doesn't really listen... but at the same time i've been with her for almost 3 years so | value her word (even when it's brusque) and it feels weird to leave/ stop going.

Im also dealing with my parents recent divorce, ssri withdrawl and a handful of other life stresses and major life changes. I literally can’t keep my head on straight and my therapist basically told me not to come back to treatment due to "lack of readiness".

It feels like i've been screaming for help because my life is unmanageable, but instead of seeing that she told me to leave Imao. That said, I also try and see it from her side and maybe i'm not coming off the way i'm meaning to and maybe i am making it seem like i'm just being stubborn and unwilling to change even if that's not the case.

I don’t want to gain weight. I HATE my body. I’m embarrassed of my body. At the same time, I wish I could have a life and I can’t. (I have another reason besides the ed that makes my social life abnormal, but that would be a post about as long as this one lol)

Sorry this got SO insanely long. Ultimately, what would you do in my situation?

I’ve been in and out of therapy for my aan for almost 3 years now, with a few gaps in between… I’ve recently been asked not return to therapy/outpatient treatment for a while due to “lack of readiness”. I wouldn’t say that’s true, i’m just struggling. I’ve been at higher weights before which caused a ton of stress, anxiety and sadness - I would go to therapy and tell her how I felt about my body and all the parts I hate and she basically just says “so what?”. So, if you’re “not struggling” and all you want it to get better… what exactly is therapy for?

I do this probably once a week and it makes me feel like shit every time i binge but at the same time… i look forward to it? it’s so confusing. i feel like a faker.

I do this probably once a week and it makes me feel like shit every time i binge but at the same time… i look forward to it? it’s so confusing. i feel like a faker.

During the day, I have a harder time following my meal plan because i’m really worried about over eating. At night though, I feel okay eating and meeting the needs of my meal plan. That said though, i’m eating a decent bulk of my days food right before bed which I know is a bad habit/ ed behavior. Obviously I want to stop doing this, but at the same time, i’ve almost started looking forward to bigger amounts of snacks before bed and it makes me sad and almost anxious thinking about not being able to have it.

Sometimes it feels a bit compulsive, because even though I had unintentionally restricted throughout the day, I know it’s not a good thing to be eating a bunch before bed either so I try to stick to my one night snack that is planned, but I usually can’t because I want more food. i’ve almost moved my meal plan around just so I can eat a lot before bed.

I think I do this because what If i eat normally and unrestricted during the day but then still want a lot of food at night and end up way over eating?

Does anyone else struggle with this / have any tips?

During the day, I have a harder time following my meal plan because i’m really worried about over eating. At night though, I feel okay eating and meeting the needs of my meal plan. That said though, i’m eating a decent bulk of my days food right before bed which I know is a bad habit/ ed behavior. Obviously I want to stop doing this, but at the same time, i’ve almost started looking forward to bigger amounts of snacks before bed and it makes me sad and almost anxious thinking about not being able to have it.

Sometimes it feels a bit compulsive, because even though I had unintentionally restricted throughout the day, I know it’s not a good thing to be eating a bunch before bed either so I try to stick to my one night snack that is planned, but I usually can’t because I want more food. i’ve almost moved my meal plan around just so I can eat a lot before bed.

I think I do this because what If i eat normally and unrestricted during the day but then still want a lot of food at night and end up way over eating? Sometimes I wish I could just go back to restricting lol

Does anyone else struggle with this / have any tips?

During the day, I have a harder time following my meal plan because i’m really worried about over eating. At night though, I feel okay eating and meeting the needs of my meal plan. That said though, i’m eating a decent bulk of my days food right before bed which I know is a bad habit/ ed behavior. Obviously I want to stop doing this, but at the same time, i’ve almost started looking forward to bigger amounts of snacks before bed and it makes me sad and almost anxious thinking about not being able to have it.

Sometimes it feels a bit compulsive, because even though I had unintentionally restricted throughout the day, I know it’s not a good thing to be eating a bunch before bed either so I try to stick to my one night snack that is planned, but I usually can’t because I want more food. i’ve almost moved my meal plan around just so I can eat a lot before bed.

I think I do this because what If i eat normally and unrestricted during the day but then still want a lot of food at night and end up way over eating? Sometimes I wish I could just go back to restricting lol

Does anyone else struggle with this / have any tips?

a bit of a back story -
My ed therapist told me to take 3-4 weeks off of therapy due to “lack of readiness.” (i lowkey feel like i’m subconsciously, but also consciously(??) screaming for help in every aspect of my life and nobody sees it) Anyways, I’m going back after 2 weeks because i’m honestly just miserable.
i’m definitely a little nervous that shes going to act annoyed and have a bit of a steely tone, but I just hope she sees me. I also feel like it’s important to note that my parents just for divorced for a multitude of reasons - this comes in in one of the last paragraphs.
( P.s - when I talk about exchanges, it’s basically a different word for calories - my treatment teams own version of the diabetic exchanges system)
Anyways, heres what I wrote:

• here to tell the truth when i wasent 100% before. Yes, it still is a lot of “diet food” and it’s repetitive, but I am truly trying even though it’s probably not good enough…
• eating (almost) my meal plans exchanges, but still seems like a “restrictive” amount, and if/ when I change it up to less diet food and foods I “actually want” it feels as though it will be even more restrictive in a sense. I think my meal plan is a very normal amount, especially for someone my size, but it’s hard to feel satisfied / have decent portions when you have to split it 6 different ways. (3 meals 3 snacks) I’m not saying it’s impossible, i’m just saying it feels hard. (i’m sure i’m “wrong” here too somehow.)

• Even when I follow my meal plan I feel the exact same as when i'm restricting. The same energy levels, the same amount of hunger, the same about of “hanger" , the same amount of isolation in order to follow meal & snack times etc. I feel just as restricted if not more so. A big part of my restrictive eating started because I’ve always been prone to eating a lot (without even really noticing sometimes) and I started to get embarrassed by it. If I start eating something I “actually want” Im not going to want to stop. Right now my brain probably won’t let me actually over eat, but who knows with me. I thought that the first time in recovery but my diagnosis (atypical anorexia w/ intermittent binge/ over eating) clearly reflects that when I try to recovery I simply can’t handle myself around food. If there isn’t any food, you can’t over eat it and that just feels easier. No temptation at all is so much less miserable.
• i’m just too afraid to over eat, as clearly it’s something it’s something that’s happened a handful of times in the past.

• i’m not at my lowest weight, but not at a high weight either and I feel like if the way I look right now was my natural weight I feel like I could learn to accept it, but it’s not. My natural weight/ natural look is something i'm honestly so embarrassed by. (I’m truly someone who has a naturally broader/ wider, bigger body. Not
naturally skinny but have body dysmorphia big. Body image issues, yes. True body dysmorphia, no. It’s been proven time and time again between the numbers and / or other peoples comments. I’m insecure, not blind.

• If I'm doing ed behaviors I'm isolating so I can continue them, but when i'm not doing ed behaviors, i'm isolating because i'm embarrassed of the way I look.

• still struggling with exercise - making a conscious effort and “wanting” to stop but it really does become habitual. Putting this before walking rather than walking coming first. (laundry, dishes etc)

• people trying to interrupt my walking schedule, my *not* walking schedule, my meal times or just anything i have planned in general, it makes me SO mad. I usually have my days planned out in the mornings so I know what to expect with my day and if someone tries to change it I get majorly stressed and irritated.

• I wish I looked “gross” skinny when im restricting / exercising the way some (not all!) people with eating disorders do when they’re doing what im doing, but instead I just look normal. “Better”, even. I think I might be subconsciously “striving” for this. There’s a girl I used to do gymnastics with and she developed an ed as well, but she looked/ looks very emaciated and skeletal. As soon as her eating disorder became physically present, people were talking about her all over the place and talking about how scary thin she looks and how they feel so sad for her and texting her or texting her mom to communicate their concern etc. Nobody even bats an eye at me. Or, if they do, it’s a “compliment” on how good or how healthy I look even though we are/ were doing the exact. same. thing.

• being forced to go to my grandmas house 3.5 hours away with my dad this weekend. I was crying on the phone to him about how i don’t want to drive 3.5 hours away to go to the farm with him and all the reasons why, yet somehow he manipulated me into it anyways. (even though im literally 23 and a grown adult)
• i hate being that far from home with no escape. I told my mom about this and she says this is exactly something that my dad would say… which makes you think he would understand where i’m coming from, especially in the spot i’m in right now. But because it’s something HE wants other people’s feelings don’t necessarily matter.

• My cousins bachelorette party is at the end of august + wedding september 12th. Even thinking about it makes me *majorly* upset.

*end of list

(i also feel like it’s important to know that I have an extreme form of sensory issues... i currently have 2 tshirts, 4 sweatshirts 4 pairs of shorts and 1 pairs of pants that i can comfortably wear. nothing else. I think something that helps a lot of people in recovery is finding clothes that look best on their body, but I don’t get that luxury🙃)

no matter how much i restrict or how much i exercise, i never have been and never will be truly thin. Even at my lowest weight, i’ve never looked sick. (my diagnosis is atypical ana) I’m currently in a bit of a relapse but definitely not at my lowest weight. I gained a decent bit of weight since getting out of php in mid-January. But since about late May, i’ve been slowly losing a bit of weight. I hate living like this but I also hate living in a body that’s borderline overweight. I KNOW muscle weights more / can look a bit different than fat, but still. It’s not at all how I want to look. Im very short and compact so any amount of weight or fat gain is quickly noticeable on me.

I might be/ have been a lower weight, but it still is/ was a healthy weight and i look healthy. In fact, since losing weight from my highest natural weight in 2022-2023 i frequently get told how much “better” I look.

Right now, i’m not at my lowest weight, but not at a high weight either and I feel like if the way I look right now was my natural weight I feel like I could learn to accept it, but it’s not. I was kinda talking to a friend about all this and she described my current body as “normal-skinny”. I was telling her that i wanna be naturally normal-skinny rather then having to feel like death to achieve it when other people don’t even have to try and look like me (in certain ways - i was a gymnast and still have a decent bit of visible bulky muscle left even after restriction, which I know isn’t super common)

I wish I looked “gross” skinny when im restricting / exercising the way some people with eating disorders do when they’re doing what im doing, but instead I just look normal. “Better”, even. My natural weight/ natural look is something i’m honestly so embarrassed by. If I’m doing ed behaviors I’m isolating so I can continue them but when i’m not doing ed behaviors, i’m isolating because i’m embarrassed of the way I look. It’s a lose lose situation. Honestly even when i’m at a lower weight i’m embarrassed of the way I look just due to my bone structure making me look bigger than I am, but as I said earlier, If this was my natural weight I could maybe learn to accept it, but it’s not.

There’s a girl I used to do gymnastics with and she developed an ed as well, but she looked/ looks very emaciated and skeletal. As soon as her eating disorder became physically present, people were talking about her all over the place and talking about how scary thin she looks and how they feel so sad for her and texting her or texting her mom to communicate their concern etc. Nobody even bats an eye at me. Or, if they do, it’s a “compliment” on how good or how healthy I look even though we are/ were doing the exact. same. thing.