r/AnorexiaNervosa

Most of the time I am focused on my “flabby bits” and consumed by the thoughts that I’m not thin enough yet. I don’t really believe I’m fat anymore but I still can only think about the bits of me that could be “perfected” by losing more weight.

Even with this mindset I’ll have sporadic moments of clarity when I can see my body and think I really am thin or that I’m going too far with this. It’s usually in low light or in pictures where I can’t see my face. I think it tricks my brain into viewing my body as if it’s someone else’s. These moments are very unsettling to me because it feels as though I am looking at two completely different versions of myself, I don’t know which one is correct and which one is my brain lying to me.

It’s terrifying either way I look at it. If I really am thinner than I believe then that means I will always be unsatisfied with how I look until I reach a point where others view me as a monster, if these “moments of clarity” are the ones lying then that means my brain isn’t perceiving my body as it is in the other direction. Either way I can’t win

Sorry if this was a bit of a ramble, I’m tired and freaked out rn

When youre younger its easier because you have time to be ill, but then as you get older its more difficult because you need to maintain school, job, relationships etc. Im struggling to simply get on with day to day life because i need to maintain college,a relationship,family life and need to get and then also maintain a job

Someone's recovery triggered me. Im in​ recovery and i saw a content creator who showed their weight restored body. This usually isnt a trigger for me, but me and that creator have the EXACT same body type/bone structure and i don't want to end up looking like them after their full weightrestoration. I looked like that before all the weight loss aswell and i am terrified of ending up like that even though they aren't overweight. Like i looked exactly like they currently do at some point in time. I feel so bad for saying this but i really don't want to look like that even though its literally a healthy body. ​

Every time I have a bowel movement I feel extremely guilty. I think it stems from how constipated I am when I’m fasting, I guess when I’m not constipated it reminds me that I’ve eaten enough to actually cause a bowel movement. Sometimes laxatives don’t even work on me when I haven’t eaten for a while and I take that as some kind of sign that I’m doing “enough”.

I wish I didn’t think like this. Every part of my life has been consumed by my ED. It’s all I think about

To be honest, I fast a lot and exercise to make up for it if I eat anything; I follow the ‘Slavic Dolls’, I’m on a diet and I’ve made myself vomit (only a few times, because I don’t want to damage my teeth or my stomach). I feel like cutting myself if I don’t stick to my diets, but, honestly, I don’t think I have an eating disorder. Is it the illness playing tricks on me, or what?

I wonder about this because, although I do eat (I plan it, but I also enjoy mealtimes), I don’t have any negative thoughts whilst I’m doing so; I just think about when it’ll be time to fast again. I don’t know, all this makes me feel as if I’m not ill; I don’t think I am, but what I do seems to contradict that, and yet I don’t feel that way.

It’s kinda funny, honestly I was doing really good for years. I developed anorexia starting around later single digits and “ending” around late teens. After that I started getting better. I ate more, I didn’t think about it as much, I basically never weighed myself unless for an appointment. I wasn’t super happy with my weight, but i didn’t starve myself, or obsess over calories.

Over the half year or so (I think, I wasn’t paying attention) I lost like — pounds, not intentionally. I had no idea I’d lost weight until different family members started bringing it up. And you’d think this was a good thing, but it’s just brought it to my attention more. The first time it messed me up a little, but I didn’t relapse. After some more family said something it really put it on my mind, but again I tried to ignore it. And mostly succeeded. Recently I had a psych appointment so I weighed myself, and found out I’d lost — pounds. I think that’s when it got a lot worse. Not terrible! But it’s been a decline. Then yesterday, I hadn’t really been eating much the last few days, or at all that day, and my grandma worriedly commented on my weight. Ironically enough, that’s what’s caused me to completely loose any self-restraint. And I only managed to eat something around the AM, and not even because I was really hungry, I just knew I should.

It’s been awhile since being hungry has felt good to me, but lately it has, and it scares me. I actually forgot why I ever thought it felt good for a long time! And I want help, but I’m so tired so so soooo scared of gaining weight again. If nobody ever commented on it, I’d be fine. But now it feels like, because I’m a lot skinnier, I need to stay exactly that weight if not less. I also felt really happy with my body for the longest time, but now it doesn’t feel small enough. I’m also pretty sure me loosing weight correlated with when I stopped taking medication, so now it’s making want to not take it again even though everything got so much worse over time and I’ve gotten suicidal a lot more often.

I don’t know what to do, I want help, but I’m terrified of gaining weight again.

Edit: — is redacted weight and I’ve reworded the numbers

I was admitted to a hospital for a mh problem last year. Upon being discharged I found out I was underweight. I felt very depressed, then I decided to eat a load of ice cream and just kept eating all the foods that weren’t available when I was sectioned. Now I’m overweight and need to lose weight again.

I finally went and admitted myself to a care facility, and oh my god - I hate it. And I feel bad saying that, the nurses and care staff are really nice and try their best to support me. But, even though I'm eating the meals they give me - all I can think about is when it's finally "acceptable" for me to leave, when my family aren't going to watch me closely at home, how quickly can I lose the weight I put on? And at that point I'm asking myself, do I even want this? Because I FEEL like I do, but I REALLY don't at the same time.

I ended up collapsing at the facility so I was hospitalised and im now hooked to a feeding tube, which means the care staff aren't here to watch to make sure I'm not exercising or whatever but are still here to watch me eat at meal times. And i hate the feeding tube and the normal eating, as i can only guess how many calories im consuming right now - and its not a number i like. And even though I'm so weak right now, whenever I have the energy and whenever I'm not chained to my feeding tube I'm going outside to walk around till it feels like I could collapse again, just to TRY and burn some of the calories.

I hate this, I hate the idea of putting on weight, but I also hate the idea that I'm gonna be in hospital or care facilities forever if I keep being counterproductive with my weight restoration.

The eating makes me feel sick, I'm not hungry and yet I've got to force feed myself because I know its what I need to do. But I just don't want to do this anymore. But if I don't do this, then I'll die eventually and I don't want to die - I want to go back to school and be able to see and speak to my family.

I hate this internal battle, I didn't think it would be so hard and confusing. Like obviously I knew it was gonna be hard - but I never thought I'd be there crying over eating a bowl of cereal, I feel pathetic. I hate the feeling of wanting to recover, but at the same time doing everything I can to sabotage my own recovery.

How long does it take to feel normal again? I've forgotten how to eat, chew and swallow like a normal person - I've forgotten how to live how I lived before, my ED feels like all I've ever known. What comes after recovery? Is there anything after, or is it just called living like a normal person? How does a normal person live? How does a person live without constantly thinking about losing weight, controlling food, exercise?

I feel like I'm losing my mind, I can't articulate my thoughts to others like I'm trying to here. I'm a crazy person, but I want to stay crazy, It makes me feel dead and alive.

When does recovery get easier? Does it, or will it be a constant battle for the rest of my pathetic life?

I am looking for any advice on how to not binge after eating a normal meal and how to just relax and stop obsessing over food. For months if I’m not walking around doing a lot of stuff travelling for most the day, I am watching videos about food, looking up recipes, looking up menus and making delivery orders I never buy, for hours. Or I bake or cook for hours and keep doing it for days. I cannot stop. every living second is thinking about food. I’m obsessed with pudding or any pudding type of texture or smooth sorbet or ice cream. I am obsessed. I cannot stop making food. I try eating more to make it go away and it needs to really bad purging, then trying to eat again, purging, trying to eat again, up to 4 times a day. it is exhausting. i cannot sleep because i think about puddings, i had 3 different dreams about them last night, woke up in a panic thinking I had already had my overnight pudding situation i made. i cannot think or do any activity i actively hear voices or like intrusions of just talking about food or recipes or what i’m going to make. i cannot do any art i cannot write i cannot watch a film i cannot focus on anything that is not good for any second in having the voices talking over me about making pudding right now. how the fuck do i make it stop? i’ve been increasing eating i’ve been avoiding cooking or baking i’ve tried to stop watching videos of food and people making food. i watch everything, cooking videos, food reviews, mukbangs, live streams where they’re making different types of foods in kitchens or street vendors. i stalk bakeries and resturaunts on menus, i watch recipes over and over again of the same exact thing. i am driven demented i understand that this happens but i’ve never ever had it to this extent i literally cannot function and think about anything else and if it’s not like this and i’m outside walking around i am walking for hours and hours straight and so busy doing so much stuff travelling around and going to events and i have nothing or i have some baby food and i feel horrendous and scared because of my legs spasming and heart palpitations.

Ive recently had a pretty high fibre intake due to a big obsession with oat fibre and konjac jelly. Other than these, my diet primarily consists of fruits and vegetables. Ive noticed that my face has become super swollen since i started upping my fibre intake. Is it because of the salt i use in my oat fibre cakes? I also consume A LOT of artificial sweetener (monk fruit erithyritol blend and sugar free syrups). Or is this a sign of something else potentially? Thanks!

i have such bad fomo because im spending the 4th alone again. but at the same time, i get so anxious and irritable when im with other people/my family. i don’t really have friends so im not super close with anyone. i also have bad bad bad sensory issues so i can’t wear a swimsuit to go to the lake or to tan and i can’t wear cute clothes that make me feel good or to match the theme because my nervous system sees almost all clothing as a threat and makes my skin crawl and it puts my whole body into fight or flight mode. it’s honestly hell on earth. It’s part of why I developed an ed. I really think being smaller helps with how bad the sensory stuff is. too bad my diagnosis is atypical ana and i’m not actually “skinny”. i have zero life. i’m 22 and i can’t live the life someone in their early 20s should be able to.

being alone makes me so sad, but being with other people honestly makyes me more sad because i want to have fun but my brain just doesn’t let me :(

possible TW for talking about restriction -

Hi there’s probably a lot of context needed idk but it’s too long. basically i have b/p ana subtype. I restrict, eventually I try increase intake, stomach can’t cope, mentally can’t cope, I purge or I put more in to be capable of doing so because my stomach won’t let it out (don’t want to go into detail incase someone uses the info idk) - this would then be me binging on whatever i have missed and haven’t allowed myself. I might stop at once or might do it three or four times during the day, it’s very distressing and physically exhausting, I have given myself gastroparesis, gastritis, tooth infection, salivary gland problems from this.

to break this exhausting cycle i fasted for a period of time, then would try to eat again, then fast again. this distress has made gastroparesis so much worse, led to extreme constipation.

i’ve abused laxatives a lot prior to all this too i may have given myself lazy bowel.

i cannot move waste through my system anymore i cannot and i don’t think my muscles even push anymore. i keep having very severe comstipation (i consider them partial fecal impactions because i’ve had that before and this feels the same)

it is difficult to pass gas, i can only pee dribbles because it’s squeezing my bladder and urethra, i have intense bloating pain, drink and eating is painful in my stomach.

i keep eating, i’m so scared of it it feels like i’m going to explode. i’ve really significantly increased my intake especially carbs it’s mostly carbs right now.

i don’t know what’s going to happen to it all if it won’t come out but a doctor told me i have to eat a lot to shit but that doesn’t feel true because there’s so much stuck in me already.

my face is swelling it’s very distressing, my stomach is so swollen i feel so so so not good. has anyone else dealt with this before? did eating help? i have prescribed laxatives, stool softeners and enemas rhat i take daily. my GI tract is still having a lot of trouble moving this food through. maybe i went too far and ate too much and i need to slowly build it up? idk what to do any advice is appreciated. i’ve gone three days without purging i just binged i think i ate two bowls of food i did not really need i just mentally couldn’t stop until i had them, it’s food i would always purge. i refuse to right now i need to shit and heal my stomach for a while i’m very scared. any advice is appreciated especially on if i should be eating or not and how to get rid of facial edema thank you

I've been >!relapsing!< into my anorexia recently and I'm a lot more flexible that I used to be at my worst (I can eat little bits of things "off plan" as long as it's not too much and I track it) but whenever my mum makes certain dishes, I get an intense need for them. for example, she makes a dish called melanzana which I cannot resist. every time she makes It, I feel a magnetic pull towards it and even when I tell myself "one more bite" I take more than one more and I instinctively eat quicker. and I feel horrible after, even if my mum says she'll hide it, it doesn't change the fact that I have no self control around it. I feel like >!I'm a fat disgusting person that doesn't deserve to live and a failed anorexic and I just wish I could be good at my anorexia like I used to.!< I feel awful. since my anorexia is a control thing, one of my biggest fears is binge eating, as it means I'm out of control. I'm petrified every time my mum makes that because I'm worried that I'll "lose control and binge" and It makes me feel quite guilty. I'm sorry if this is triggering, I've done my best to spoiler out the triggering bits. I just need support

Edit: I'm so hungry rn and I'm so scared because I'm getting urges to eat and also last night, I ate the melanzana after my >!fasting window!< had started so I was thinking "fuck it I'm gonna keep eating" and I didn't but I'm terrified that I'm switching to BED or that my body is forcing me to recover I'm absolutely terrified because I just need to be in control I wish someone could >!just come and kill me!<

i come from a family of overweight/obese people that don't care for nutritious eating and exercise. so every day i have to face my parents eating until they physically can't anymore, they eat until they're so full and in so much pain they just sleep. they're either eating or sleeping. especially my dad, it has always felt like he's always put food over me. this obviously caused me to develop an eating disorder

i just don't know what to do to make myself feel better in this environment. i cant stand it at all, and it makes it so much easier for me to fall into a binge/restrict cycle. the pantry is always stocked and even if i tell my mom not to buy something (because i know it might trigger a binge, which is always extremely distressing to me), she not only buys it but buys two or three of the very thing i told her not to buy. i dont even know what to do anymore

Okay so I've never made a post on this sub before but I think this has gotten pretty bad and I think I need help in this particular situation, so for reference I'm a minor I am underweight but the problem is for the past couple of days I've been purging and binging literally everyday constantly almost anything I ate , I've never really purged this much before and I even threw up blood I don't know if it's because I scratched myself or something, I am feeling very weird and extremely thirsty wich obviously I of course know why I did buy some electrolytes that you put in water but obviously it hasn't helped, I am alone at home and have been for the last couple of days and I keep eating to the point that I feel sick then purging , Im also feeling very cold...so...do I need to go to the hospital....the problem is I'm obviously not going to tell the doctors that I've been doing this on purpose but also do you think they will actually help?I'm really thirsty really thirsty.......

I feel like every meal is my last chance to truly enjoy food, so I need everything to be 100% perfect. If there’s any noise at all, people talking, TV, music, literally any sound...I get this weird tingling/disgust feeling in my mouth and suddenly I can’t eat anymore.

It’s like my appetite completely disappears unless it’s totally quiet and peaceful. I know it sounds weird, but it’s really frustrating.

Does anyone else experience this? I feel like I'm going insane lol.

The title basically says it all, but I need help.

My body fat is low right now, I'm trying to be on a slight deficit just to get more shredded.

Today I started my deficit, just a little under my manteinance. My blood sugar dropped harshly and I had to eat watermelon breaking my deficit.

One month ago, I passed out three times. I think it was low blood sugar. In the hospital, the doctor suspected of me having anorexia, due to my low weight. I was in front of my parents when asked and I was too embarrassed to admit it.

Last summer, I developed anorexia. Lost a lot of weight in one month. I restricted myself, I obviously didn't feel my best but I could easily eat one egg a day and keep living.

Now it seems possible.

I've read that maybe I'm developing diabetes. Maybe I've been restricting for too long. Maybe it's the amenorrhea. I'm not sure. But I really need help. I think I've just develooed hypoglycemia but I need to know how to lose weight while having it.

Has someone experienced something similar? How did they manage to live with it?

I would appreciate any comments ;)!

i don’t mean this in a mean or wrong way, i’m just genuinely wondering. in my day to day life and when i was in the hospital it was pretty rare to see anorexics and it was almost all bulimics which kinda made me feel isolated. for three days once on a ward of 18 kids i was the only anorexic so when i found this subreddit i was glad to find people since it can be hard to talk to bulimics since we’re so different at times. however, i keep seeing post after post after post talking about binging and purging etc and im wondering why they’re on this subreddit? and if so why havent the mods just changed it to eating disorders or something? sorry for rant, english is not my first language