Has anyone else struggled with always wanting to feel hungry rather than specifically worried about gaining weight?
Hey everyone, I'm a guy who's had anorexia for around 3 years now. Early on in the disorder, I wanted to stay at a low weight and my restrictions revolved around not wanting to gain any. Now, though, I'm at a point where I objectively would like to be at a higher weight. I don't like how thin I look, and I know I'll be physically healthier.
The roadblock I'm facing, though, is the sort of obsessive desire to be "hungry" before meals and after I wake up. As I mentioned before, my restrictions around food now aren't outwardly about not wanting to gain weight anymore - instead, I find myself trying to eat so that I feel "hungry" before my next meal. (For example, I've noticed that if I don't have a bowel movement on any given day I really don't feel hungry that day, so I'm always hyper-aware of how much fiber I'm eating so that I consistently have BMs.) Of course, I'm sure my desire to be hungry is deep down connected to a subconscious fear of recovery/gaining weight, but it doesn't outwardly feel like that. The roadblock for my recovery is the idea of eating enough to feel fuller than comfortable, which I know I will inevitably have to do at some point to gain weight. It feels like if there were a way to snap my fingers and be at a higher body weight, but still maintain that "hungry" feeling when I eat, I would jump at the chance.
I was just wondering if anyone else had struggled with thoughts like these, and what you did to cope? Thanks for everyone's help!