I hate that I don't i feel guilty about eating, I hate how much I'm eating. I feel like I'm addicted to food and it feels like I'll never stop eating. It's not quite spite, I'm just scared. My brain is going 'Where the fuck are the red lights?' Why? Shouldn't this feel good? I'm also getting tired of rmyself for feeling like this.
For a long time coming now, I've just not enjoyed burgers, ice cream, etc. Like... I don't get pleasure from them. It's not like I'm not allowed to eat them, though. I don't feel guilty or anything. Pizza just tastes too weird for my taste buds. Personally, I don't feel like it's a problem and I've gotten round to eating most foods comfortably - enjoying them, too.
I have made up my mind to eat more. I also feel like if I stopped controlling, really stopped, stopped worrying, caring, I'd never stop eating. Or at least gain a bunch of weight before my brain gets level enough to set satiety level like a normal person. Right now, I do have that point, but I eat about five times a day. I have to eat a lot before my brain gets disinterested in food. Until then, I keep wandering into the kitchen and grabbing something. What my body really wants is carbs and fats, mostly carbs, I guess.
Calorie and weight loss ads showing up everywhere - Youtube, reddit, game ads.
You deserve to feel loved, wanted, cared for and cherished by yourself. You are the only person you'll truly always have by your side throughout your life. I'm not saying that your sense of comfort should come only from food - that's not healthy, either. But neglecting one of the basic needs of both your body and mind sends quite the opposite message to your subconscious. Food isn't only for fuel. Carbs, fats and calories are not all it contains. Different kinds of food provide various nutrients to your body, serving unique functions that you need to function - live, be healthy.
A kind of middle ground I've settled into. When I first officially became anorexic, I used to throw myself into both the restrictive and binge phases - both practically inevitable due to how intense the other was.
Now, I don't allow emotional weight to food or my weight. Not completely, anyway. I don't feel the abnormal level of pleasure that I used to on losing weight. I don't panic if it goes up. It's fine. Temporary and not increase in body fat. I don't restrict unreasonably - which has decreased the intensity and frequency of the binges. I don't allow less food than I really need even even during restrictive phases. I don't panic if I eat more than I expected. I don't compensate consciously. If I'm hungry and have an appetite, I eat. Predictable timings. Remind myself that the number I've set is slightly lower than it should be. The buffer zone helps. If I find myself wanting more food, it's because I need it. I work on expanding my comfort zone without pushing myself too hard.
At the moment, even if part of me - the one that has normal people doing the same - wants something sweeter or more calorie - dense than I'm used to, I don't mindlessly allow it. Occasionally, yes. I kind of check in with myself first. If I'm in a headspace where I'm vulnerable to a restrictive relapse, I don't allow it. If I feel that I'm not ready for it yet, that it'll trigger a restrictive phase, I don't. Something else I do is not immediately allowing a possibly triggering food. I'll get myself a serving after a moment away, then coming back - could be a few minutes, a few hours, the next day. make sure I'm calm first. Progress is slow, but noticeable.
My ED was proud, congratulatory about my getting to lower weights, tolerating hunger, starving myself. I choose to be proud of the progress I've made - ensuring my health even while ill, my education, fighting this disorder.
So... yeah, scared myself into eating, at least, I guess. No promise of absence of relapse, though. Now I'm feeling fake and my brain is going 'See? I can stop whenever I want. I'm not really anorexic. Maybe I'm doing it for attention. There's nothing wrong with me.'
Anybody else feeling like this? Is it in my head or am I taking or what?
If I were to lose my period due to AN, would it be all at one go (You have it one month, the next it doesn't show up ), or would I get less blood or spotting first?
Another fucking restrictive phase. Hello voices. I was doing so well.
I've got occassional passive ED thoughts like I should restrict. I should exercise. Maybe purge? Background noise. It hasn't dictated my emotional state or behaviour until now. Will it? Should I be concerned or worried? I've avoided exercising - anything resembling it - no walking unless it's for a normal purpose.
Completely unwilling, upplanned meal today. (Lunch time.) Someone Insisted. They cleared the table. Made someone else move. Stood around while I was eating. Cleared the table and served me, too. So by the time the circumstance of when I'd usually eat came up, I was completely disinterested in the food. What I actually ate wasn't even something I was completely comfortable with - especially with people around. It's been hours since and I still feel weird - that way I used to feel when my ED was going strong - like I've got nothing stuck in me or like I've messed up something. It's been such a long time since I felt like this. I don't know how, though. I don't have o mental or emotional drive to do the usual ED thing, either - I don't want to purge or exercise or restrict or anything - maybe because it's been ages. It won't make me feel better. I just feel tired.
What's bothering me is that it's been such a long time since I last felt like this and I've been eating most foods - almost no restriction at all. 'Honoring my hunger' so to speak. Even increased my deliberate intake because I keep bingeing.
I thought I was over the emotional and mental shit.
How long into recovery, if you did keep track, did you delete ( weight )/( calorie / food intake ) data. I want to delete mine, but even thinking about it makes me feel like I'm thinking about ripping my arm off or something.
The equivalent of how much I eat not ever showing up on the scale is messing with my head - kind of makes all mad. I feel like I'm playing peekaboo. Sure, it temporarily increases, but it always comes back down. This happens even if the binge phases last for weeks without a break.
I don't even know why I'm so frustrated / angry. Isn't this what I want - for my weight not to go up?
What do / did you do for mental recovery?
I understand why it is discouraged - both outcomes trigger me, but not weighing for a while makes me extremely paranoid - even just making that decision - and I frequently feel like eating eating less than I would if I checked. Advice?
Hi. So... a while ago, I posted here about how I wanted psychological help. I need advice on how to approach my mother with that - tell her I have a voice screaming in my head? Or about how good losing weight feels? Take the chance when she next brings up counseling - which I don't know when it'll next happen? I'm really getting desperate right now. And scared as fuck. College - 3rd semester - starts in September. It's going to be easier than I'd like to start restricting really hard again. There's the added incentive that I hate pooping outside home - I feel so gross and disgusting. I can't lose any more weight. I can eat - sure. But I need help - I can't fix my brain on my own. I think its dawning on me that, left to my own devices, nothing good's going to happen. I'm wondering whether it'll take a weight check at a hospital for a different reason and a doctor telling her I'm uw (not right now) for her to realize the urgency of this situation.