I'm changing schools in September. Obviously that's bad because I have to pick either a skirt or trousers. Either way I'll look shit. And then we have PE. Trousers or shorts. New people. New teachers. People will judge me for being fat. What am I meant to do?
So recently I went on holiday and school ended so I thought I'd restrict even more because nobody will hear my stomach rumble. Sometimes things get pretty bad and I SH a little with my nails and go numb or quiet for an hour or two. Once, I started throwing pyjamas for a solid 10mins just because they weren't wide and the top wasn't long. So stupid. But most days it's not that bad. I just track my calories and make sure its under the limit. Sometimes I feel such strong disgust for my body that I SH. Others I just go 'ew' and leave the mirror. Am I even anorexic? Not underweight, not lost x% of my bodyweight, not constantly thinking of my weight, and I act like I did during recovery, but I don't want to go back to normal. Am I even relapsing? I feel like I'm not. Am I just in denial?
I posted about something on reddit, on a literal recovery space, asking a question about whether my body was mean to have changed at maintenance calories. Of course, I did get helpful, kind comments, but there was a woman who dismissed my experience, saying it did not last long enough.
I then said that I didn't mention what happened, nor how severe it was, so they couldn't judge, saying the length of an ED doesn't make it not an ED. She responded by telling me to enjoy the attention grab and that she stands by what she said. She also said that there are DSM-5 criteria based on weight and duration that are required for an AN diagnosis; neither of which are true.
She also said that she's sick of the drama and attention grabbing lil teenie boppers like me. I then asked if she was so mature and intelligent, why was she on a ''lil teenie bopper's" post in the first place, to which she finally replied that eating disorders are not specific to one age group, and told me she wouldn't bicker with me any further. Thing is, several people replied about their experience, one saying he/she had only restricted for 2 months before being hospitalised.
Now, almost a month later, I decided to see what else she wrote because like I have time. She was reallt helpful to other people, so I'm like, then what did I do? Said woman had been suffering from anorexia/bulimia/bingeing and purging for decades, yet decided it was a good idea to be negative on a young girl's anorexic experience, who, again, is CURRENTLY RELAPSING. Like.
Long rant, ik, what do you guys think?
I had AN from September 2022 to December 2023. If you say that's not long at all, I was a fucking tween. Anyways, I started recovery in early January of 2023. I gained very little weight, despite the fact I was eating over triple the amount I did during the ED, which I was glad about (fears). Anyways, I went on holiday on August. Come September, I started gaining a little weight. And I was confused. Really confused. I hadn't been eating any different from before, so how could I be gaining weight? This also sort of caused my current relapse. FYI I was only a little underweight, as in, majority of the disorder was me at what was technically 'healthy'. Anyways, has it happened to anyone else?
EDIT: someone in the back kept mentioning 2024 so I wrote that on accident. Meant 2022/23. Sorry about that.
I had AN from September 2024 to December 2024. If you say that's not long at all, allow me to tell you that I was a fucking tween. Anyways, I started recovery in early January of 2025. I gained very little weight, despite the fact I was eating over triple the amount I did during the ED, which I was glad about (fears). Anyways, I went on holiday on August. Come September, I started gaining a little weight. And I was confused. Really confused. I hadn't been eating any different from before, so how could I be gaining weight? This also sort of caused my current relapse. FYI I was only a little underweight, as in, majority of the disorder was me at what was technically 'healthy'. Anyways, has it happened to anyone else?
EDIT: I meant 2022/23. I was talking to somebody else about theirs and their ED was then, srry just reread it. And also, fuck the person who told me that my experience was not valid because 'it was not long enough'. Talking about econroy.
EDIT 2: LOL econroy just got his comment deleted by a moderator. If anyone wants to know wth happened just DM me or reply and I'll either tell you or send screenshots. Hope y'all are okay :)
A couple years ago I stumbled across D.N. Beauty Natural, a creator on YT that makes workouts. These are very easy workouts, and the thumbnail on it goes from either a plus-sized, curvy girl or even a healthy girl, sometimes even a very slim girl, to a dangerously underweight K-pop idol. It disgusts me. I saw a video thumbnail and it went from a girl with a thigh gap to Wonyoung's dangerously thin body. As in, the thigh gap is bigger than the thighs. OML this is so triggering.
My parents just got some new clothes. Among them was a dress for me. I saw the way it fit around my hips. How thick my calves looked. Everything. I hated it. And not long before it, I was forced to eat a dessert. I took photos, but the camera angle was all wrong and now I look fat and shit and everything. I hate it. I want to starve myself more. I want to vomit. I want to burn off every single calorie. I want to exercise for hours. I feel like shit. I hate my body. I want to hurt myself. I want to repeatedly put my fingers down my throat, but I'm too scared. I'm a little bitch. I hate myself.
I've started relapsing after like a year and a half of recovering. Obviously did not go well. Today I found all the workouts I'd do during my first episode and put them into a playlist, then added even more, then made myself guilty about how I could barely do this one difficult workout when back then I could do X amount on X amount of calories. Can't even wear fucking leggings. Not even joggers. I take pics of my body bloody daily and then half break down. I send photos to AI so it can see how my body looks because I don't even know what I'm looking at anymore. And then I feel upset when it says I look a certain weight. I resist fucking squash now. That's a new low.