u/diddierdans

so i’ve dipped in and out of all in recovery a few times this year (unintentionally falling back into restriction/restraint) and then having to go back all in again. i am back on my all in recovery approach which from what i understand is this: if you want food, whatever that may be, eat it. if you’re hungry you eat what you want, when you want. no limitations or restrictions. if you’re thinking about certain foods all the time / thinking of food you’re more than likely mentally hungry therefore you should eat and honour it.

here’s my issue - this hunger isn’t going away. each time i’ve done it before i’ve lost interest in the foods i once restricted after about 4/5 weeks and i then ended up naturally transitioning to eating less these foods and ate a bit more balanced and structured. however my ed voice took over and then would take control and i’d start walking more, avoiding certain foods and then the cycle would start again.

i’ve been honouring my hunger again for around 4 weeks again consistently but this time i’m not seeing any changes mentally?

don’t get me wrong, my mental and physical hunger has significantly decreased from the start of this year when i went all in for the first time ever.. but it’s not seeming to shift now?

some days i don’t eat as much, but some days i eat a hell of a lot. i can’t seem to let go of this guilt of how much im eating each day calories wise too. when i eat it i feel better both mentally and physically (satiated and calmer with metal or physical hunger) but then i feel so much fear, shame and guilt as i feel its not a normal amount of food to eat each day, continuously.

i’m really panicking in all honesty because i just want to get better, im constantly freaking out about my weight and scared im gaining weight but with no real signs of being closer to recovery mentally (i still have significant food preoccupation etc)

ive had this illness 6.5 years and despite restoring all of the weight I lost it is so frustrating that the rest of my body hasn’t caught up with it if that makes sense?. the weight i’ve gained back is through time not just the past year, but i can’t help but feel it should all be calming down now due to my body being at this size — i know weight/size and recovery isn’t linked but it’s just frustrating.

i also keep freaking out because im scared im doing this wrong — my therapist doesn’t really like the all in approach but its the only thing thats seemed to work for me as ive is needed the full freedom to eat what i want when i want as for years ive yearned for this food. however i am just scared because i sometimes feel i have no idea what im doing, if im doing it right or just using this as an excuse to eat

im sorry i know this is a mess i kinda just word vomited and im hoping someone can reassure me in some way if they’ve done all in recovery or are recovered ❤️

i, f 24 went all in for around 4 weeks in february this year after having a very intense ed (ana) for around 6.5 years — going all in helped my mental and physical hunger so much - however i unintentionally transitioned back to a more restrictive (not under-eating a drastic amount as far as im aware) and rigid diet and routine (eating safe foods, avoiding certain things, moving more and hoping to lose weight).

this enabled a back and forth restrict/react phase for a few months until i got a hold of myself 5 weeks ago and went back all-in despite the discomfort and shame of not doing it right the first time around.

i tried to transition into a more sustainable way of eating again after 4 weeks of all in recovery and it obviously went horribly wrong again as my ed was leading it and hoping i’d lose weight so i was moving more, being more hesitant and restrictive around food again which obviously led me to where i am now.

my struggle is this: my mental hunger has lessened since february due to the on and off consistent bouts of honouring my hunger (which i’m thankful for), however the idea of someone saying to me “okay you have to eat in a structure now” breaks my heart as part of me still wants the cookies and chocolate, and pizza and everything i’ve restricted for the last 6 years. the whole “3 meals and 3 snacks” approach didn’t work for me as it felt like limitations (i know it’s not meant to be but it did for me idk) and i was only eating safe foods in that approach. all in brought so much freedom but it’s also really destroying me mentally. my physical hunger isn’t too bad anymore, it’s stabilised pretty well, however once i try to go back to eating in a more “structured/sustainable” way my old habits creep back in ever so slightly and my hunger AMPS up to the max.

full disclosure — im on the bigger side body wise which also makes it harder to continue with recovery because you feel less worthy of it i guess? going all in is really having me gain a lot of weight, but the only time i feel calm around food is when im all in.

i just need some support right now. im scared if im honest that ill never get better. i dont even know if i should still be honouring all in recovery as my mental hunger isnt half as bad as it used to be.

but for example, i have cookies and brownies downstairs and although im not hungry i keep thinking about them, and not because im forcing myself to think about them im just thinking about eating them but my brain is then going “you’re not hungry you don’t need them” which i guess is true. or because im thinking of them and its not as intense as before i guess i dont feel i should have them?

i feel i should be so much further along in recovery now but i keep going backwards and i don’t know how to stop this. i don’t even know how to transition after going all in into more sustainable eating because although im eating some regular meals when im all in im still having a lot of chocolate, cookies etc.

any help would be appreciated ❤️