u/LogicalEngineering80

I don’t know if this is a product of anorexia, scarcity mindset, ocd, or some other ed like ARFID- but I have a bit of a history with food fixations, and I’ve been having this issue in recovery, in which I’ve been eating almost the exact same meals at every meal without fail, for weeks to maybe months. Every day it’s the same foods, same times, same thoughts, same fears, same same same. I want so deeply to eat something else, as I’m getting burnt on it, but at the same time, I fear that if I switch it up, then it won’t be as satisfying or enjoyable. When I type it out, this really is an issue, but I don’t know how to stop(???)

For context, it’s typically yogurt, rice cakes, cheeses, some sort of bread, bananas, and shakes. So it’s volume, variety, and sensory, and the idea of eating something less so, like cereal or oatmeal, is disappointing asf and causes me to opt for the safe foods every time. I feel silly, and annoyed, so if anybody has experience with this and is able to give tips, please do 🙏

So my brother’s birthday is tomorrow, and I’ve been wanting to be able to have something for the occasion. I went ahead and bought some yasso froyo bars, to sort of ease my way to it. I felt horrified of them, and was waning in on my resolve, but ultimately I had one tonight- ice cream, for the first time in years. Do I feel guilty? Yes, but I also know that’s part of the process. Do I feel proud of myself? Hell yes, I’m a fucking adult and deserve to break the chains that bind me. You all do too :)

So I was looking through old photos of my Pre-Ed self(15-16 yr) in hopes that maybe I was just too hard on myself then, and that my reality was distorted or something. Unfortunately, what I saw myself as then, is quite accurate to the reality. I genuinely just hated my body/face and how I looked in it. I still feel the same way toward that body, even as an adult. I am trying to recover from this, but seeing these photos of my ugly self has really triggered me to question recovering further/fully. I genuinely don’t want that body or face back, while anorexia isn’t me, that body isn’t either yk? To be fair, I was still just 16, so I’m like, will I look different now at the same weight because I’m older? Nobody can really answer that, of course, that’s part of what makes recovery so fucking difficult, uncertainty. I just want to reach happiness, but am extremely freaked out, yet again.

So I had been buying keto bagel thins by Thomas for weeks, but then they suddenly disappeared. I’m curious as to if they are discontinued, or if you guys have seen them at all either? I am lowkey so worried that they’ll be forever gone, as my ultimate safe food lol 😭

I’ve come to see that dissociation is actually a huge trigger for my ED. I’ve chronically dissociated my entire life as a coping mechanism(if you can even call it that) from OCD and maybe(?)gender dysphoria and several other issues. When I was 14, I suddenly snapped out of it for a moment and felt bewildered by what my body looked like(as well as who I even was). It was like body horror, and I had to “fix” myself, this took me down a long road of complete self-abandonment, in order to become “perfect”, and “prevent”(avoid) perceived or even real fears. Completely pissed that I had been denying reality my entire life, I shamed and hated myself, which spiraled into a very real ED, and I am only now trying to recover, as an adult. The dissociation is my main trigger at this point, I’m horrified of “forgetting” what I look like, or denying reality again. It makes reality and self-trust extremely difficult. As well as kind of makes the typical ED recovery treatment and tips void, because I can’t simply “cover the mirrors” “don’t look” “avoid [x]”, I have to quite literally do OCD-type exposure to my own face and body, watch compulsions from forming, learn to not hate myself, and make sure that I slowly ween off of the reverse-checking and learn to trust that I won’t dissociate if I don’t check, all at once. If anybody else has experienced this, please leave a comment and tips if you have any, I honestly feel so alone in this issue.

So I’ve always really enjoyed dance and expressing myself, and even in my ed, I would use up half of my energy just dancing in my room lol (my self-hatred and shame never let me truly embrace this though). But when my ed became really bad, I wasn’t quite capable of even trying, both physically or mentally. It also ended up taking my voice away. Through my recovery though, I’m finally reaching a point that I’m capable of trying again(and this time unashamedly) my energy still isn’t 100%, but I’m actually gaining my spark, and feeling good enough to when I feel like it. It’s so freeing, and just shows me how much that this ED has taken from me, and I’m finally going to make the life that I choose into a reality :)

I tried so hard to be brave today, I know what I need to do to move forward in recovery, but I’m terrified of actually doing it and accepting the changes and “what ifs”. I ate more calories today, and tried to set the new standard for how much that I’m “allowed” to have a day- but now I feel horrible and scared, and idk what that will do to my body, and am comparing the amount to others, to the point that I feel that I should go back on it and continue to just eat what I was before. It’s all so frustrating and scary, I wish that I didn’t have to have this illness.

So I was triggered yesterday, and to today I’ve felt completely out of control of things in my life, and am noticing myself slip back into old thoughts and behaviors(even unrelated to ED) in order to regain control and a sense of self. I’m so scared of relapsing, I even had a nightmare about returning to my full ED self, but I also don’t know how else to cope, when people take my sense of self and the little control over things that I can away from me, at the sake of “being nice” as if they know better than me, why do they not respect me or see that I know what I want?

I apologize for how much that I post here, it feels as if there is a new struggle every day in recovery tbh

Anyway, part of my reason for even having this shit disorder in the first place, was due to the way that people perceived me. I’m short, and people my entire life made me feel small and pointed out just how “cute” that I was, and made me beyond aware of the fact that my body is incapable of looking anything more than just like a “cute little kid that I want to squeeze” and caused me to feel that I was incapable of being attractive or cool or “sexy”, no matter how old that I become. Constantly called “pretty” “cute” “little” “baby girl”, it all made for me to feel absolutely small and confused. My dad, in particular, would “bug” me throughout my childhood, by calling me names that referred to this “cuteness” and would pick on me and make me feel like a little kid(he did not do this to my brother, who was tall, slim, amab) it was just me. My perception of what I wanted for myself, was always to be cool and attractive, I wanted to look mature, I wanted to be respected and taken seriously, I wanted to be perceived in the way that I perceived myself, I wanted to feel like I was able to trust my own eyes, I wanted to be made to feel like I was actually good enough and not a little kid. As I got older(14) I began engaging in ed thoughts, this spiraled. I figured out that if I slim and tone my face, if I become skinny and “actually attractive”, then I wouldn’t have to deal with that shit anymore. I would finally be perceived and feel the way that I feel and desire, without lying to myself, because I would actually appear taller and look “cooler”. This even stopped my dad from bugging me, and the worse that I got, the more that my point was proven. This all also revealed a lot about my gender dysphoria and my need for self-validation and to feel safe/real in myself.

At my sickest, being this year, I was so malnourished that I looked skeletal and like a Tim Burton character(which was my goal the entire fucking time, I had wanted that kind of masc body my entire life, it allowed me to know for a fact that I was safe and looked and felt “cool” without lying to myself. I also feel less dysphoria the skinner that I am) but this was an insufferable experience, I genuinely was not able to agree with ED anymore, and knew that I had to change.

Now, I am not as ill as I was then, but I’m also not fully recovered by any means. I feel extremely stuck, because I, in spite of being an actual adult now, you would think that I would be over the napoleon complex and need for that “adult” feeling, but I’m quite literally still just as fucking horrified at the thought of having a fuller face and recovered body, as I was at the age of 14. I associate that body, with being a “cute little girl” and being misinterpreted/not respected or taken seriously, and feeling so “ugly and fat”. I genuinely cannot seem to handle the idea of this, but at the same time, I desperately need to fully recover and live my life. I try to affirm myself, that others perception of me cannot be controlled nor should I let it determine my own or bother me- but then I feel that I’m “just lying to myself” because I can’t seem to face the reality that I’m big, short, ugly, and just a “stupid little girl”(the gd goes hard with that one). I don’t want to avoid reality, but I also don’t want to make myself feel worse unnecessarily(?) it’s caused me to have bad dysmorphia today(I was triggered yesterday) and I’m getting those evil ED thoughts/“ideas” again, and scared of weight gain more than I was the day before. I’m not sure what I’m expecting of you guys, I guess that this is kind of a vent, while also asking for any tips. Thanks.

I do want to note, that I will be bringing this up to my therapist Wednesday, as this type of shit is almost certainly the core of my anorexia.

As I’m trying to recover, I’m beginning to notice that my ed was(is) a major coping mechanism for almost everything in my life(shocker), and one such being boredom and dissatisfaction/disappointment. Does anybody else feel like their eating disorder is a way to distract and cope or numb out from insufferable boredom? I find myself having no fucking idea what to do with my time, as I don’t actually enjoy doing much of anything, but I also don’t enjoy doing nothing. I do like to go places half of the time, but that’s not always possible for me atm(or throughout childhood, of course, especially bc I didn’t have any friends really n was homeschooled), so it feels like a “what’s the point” typa mentality, and the ed seems so much more appealing than just being miserable and not wanting or being able to do anything.

So I was just eating my lunch, and was going to finish my protein shake, things were going pretty ok and I was enjoying it all. That’s when a friend walks into the room, and I immediately start to feel agitated and wishing that they would just leave me tf alone(?) they asked me how my lunch was, and for some odd reason it pissed me off even more. The part that really confuses/bothers me, is that I fucking lied and told her that I didn’t enjoy it(???) I am genuinely so frustrated by this, because it doesn’t even make sense for me to feel this way or lie about it. If anybody has struggled the same, or done this as well, any insight as to why I might have felt the “need” to react in this way would be great.

I’ve been really wanting to let myself have a snack/treat a day as part of my meal plan, and have been stuck ruminating in fear of all that *could* go wrong in almost all regards. Today though, my mom was going to eat some bagged popcorn and offered some to me, after all of these years of fear, and all of this rumination that I’ve had these past weeks, I finally broke the rules and said yes! It was amazing, just enjoying popcorn with my family and not letting Annie’s screams stop me from it :)

(So I’m hoping that it’s ok to share my recovery goal wins on here?)

I’ve been really wanting to let myself have a snack/treat a day as part of my meal plan, and have been stuck ruminating in fear of all that could go wrong in almost all regards. Today though, my mom was going to eat some bagged popcorn and offered some to me, after all of these years of fear, and all of this rumination that I’ve had these past weeks, I finally broke the rules and said yes! It was amazing, just enjoying popcorn with my family and not letting Annie’s screams stop me from it :)

Hello, I am in anorexia/ed(quasi)recovery, and as we all know, fear foods play a major role in it. While I have been able to keep up with 3 meals a day, I still cannot seem to grasp the idea of eating(or drinking) “treats” or having a snack. I’m very much afraid of “unhealthy” foods and if I do eat something that I deem “bad”, I try to make sure that I counteract it(which is kind of annoying ngl), but that being said, I’m really wanting to integrate the allowance of a treat into my meal plan, and was hoping to be able to go out and get a frosty or froyo with my friend today. I’ve been stuck on this since yesterday, worrying that I’m making a mistake, or am going to make things harder on me(I really don’t want to relapse the work that I’ve already put in) but I also know that the only way out is through. If anybody has been through this same kind of spiral/rumination/fear, any tips would be of great help. Thankyou!

I hope that it’s ok to post here, this is a repost from ED communities, but I feel that you guys may be of help in some aspect, if you have been through this. As the title states, I am currently in recovery from anorexia, and my height is somewhere near 5’0. I have always been short, and it’s affected me my entire life. This is not the single driving force of my eating disorders, but it definitely is a big contributor, as I feel that I need to be as small and frail as possible to look truly slender, taller, and attractive, as well as to steer away from my height and other imperfections, and make others worry about me, instead of make fun of me. I also struggle with feelings of possible gender dysphoria(undiagnosed), and I only feel aligned /happy with myself when I am slender/skin n bones/appear tall. I know that I cannot live my life in this way anymore, and I want to truly recovery and be/eat \\\*normal\\\*. When I begin to think over what that would look like, I feel stuck in this quasi state that I have been in, as if I raise my calories per day, I will most likely look much “thicker” on what still wouldn’t even be enough to be able to eat at restaurants or have snacks/desserts or eat what feels like a free amount. So it makes \\\*true recovery\\\* feel pointless, and as if I’ll be in quasi forever just to maintain a weight/body that I’m not even happy with. If anybody has recovered in this same position, and has tips or advice on how you did it, thanks in advance.

As the title states, I am currently in recovery from anorexia, and my height is somewhere near 5’0. I have always been short, and it’s affected me my entire life. This is not the single driving force of my eating disorders, but it definitely is a big contributor, as I feel that I need to be as small and frail as possible to look truly slender, taller, and attractive, as well as to steer away from my height and other imperfections, and make others worry about me, instead of make fun of me. I also struggle with feelings of possible gender dysphoria(undiagnosed), and I only feel aligned /happy with myself when I am slender/skin n bones/appear tall. I know that I cannot live my life in this way anymore, and I want to truly recovery and be/eat \*normal\*. When I begin to think over what that would look like, I feel stuck in this quasi state that I have been in, as if I raise my calories per day, I will most likely look much “thicker” on what still wouldn’t even be enough to be able to eat at restaurants or have snacks/desserts or eat what feels like a free amount. So it makes \*true recovery\* feel pointless, and as if I’ll be in quasi forever just to maintain a weight/body that I’m not even happy with. If anybody has recovered in this same position, and has tips or advice on how you did it, thanks in advance.

As the title states, I am currently in recovery from anorexia, and my height is somewhere near 5’0. I have always been short, and it’s affected me my entire life. This is not the single driving force of my eating disorders, but it definitely is a big contributor, as I feel that I need to be as small and frail as possible to look truly slender, taller, and attractive, as well as to steer away from my height and other imperfections, and make others worry about me, instead of make fun of me. I also struggle with feelings of possible gender dysphoria(undiagnosed), and I only feel aligned /happy with myself when I am slender/skin n bones/appear tall. I know that I cannot live my life in this way anymore, and I want to truly recovery and be/eat *normal*. When I begin to think over what that would look like, I feel stuck in this quasi state that I have been in, as if I raise my calories per day, I will most likely look much “thicker” on what still wouldn’t even be enough to be able to eat at restaurants or have snacks/desserts or eat what feels like a free amount. So it makes *true recovery* feel pointless, and as if I’ll be in quasi forever just to maintain a weight/body that I’m not even happy with. If anybody has recovered in this same position, and has tips or advice on how you did it, thanks in advance.

As the title states, I am currently in recovery from anorexia, and my height is somewhere near 5’0. I have always been short, and it’s affected me my entire life. This is not the single driving force of my eating disorders, but it definitely is a big contributor, as I feel that I need to be as small and frail as possible to look truly slender, taller, and attractive, as well as to steer away from my height and other imperfections, and make others worry about me, instead of make fun of me. I also struggle with feelings of possible gender dysphoria(undiagnosed), and I only feel aligned /happy with myself when I am slender/skin n bones/appear tall. I know that I cannot live my life in this way anymore, and I want to truly recovery and be/eat normal. When I begin to think over what that would look like, I feel stuck in this quasi state that I have been in, as if I raise my calories per day, I will most likely look much “thicker” on what still wouldn’t even be enough to be able to eat at restaurants or have snacks/desserts or eat what feels like a free amount. So it makes true recovery feel pointless, and as if I’ll be in quasi forever just to maintain a weight/body that I’m not even happy with. If anybody has recovered in this same position, and has tips or advice on how you did it, thanks in advance.

Trigger warning for terminology.

>!Hello, I am hoping that this is allowed. I am currently in anorexia recovery, I also struggle with severe OCD/perfectionism and am Orthorexic(I believe). I am seeking out help from those who have faced similar issues and mental distress as I have, and managed to recover/face their fears and find peace. Right now, I am obsessively bothered and stuck on the idea of eating an “unhealthy” vs “healthy” food, macros checking, food health comparing, uncertainty on if a food is “ok” to eat or not, along with if I would lose control and/or eat it all of the time(because I have been known to fixate on a food and make that my daily intake), and what that would do to me/my body if I were to do that, if it will cause weight gain or other effects to my body because its “unhealthy”, or if I don’t know if it is “unhealthy” but I am unaware, if I’m right or wrong for wanting to eat “unhealthy” foods, and honestly just alot of what feels like intense and possibly unnecessary paranoia. If you have any advice on how to get over the fear of meat/fruit/veggies/ready meals with varying ingredients, and the possible inaccuracies of them, that would be great too. I want to learn how to trust myself, and be freed from these disorders, any help/guidance would be nice, thank you.!<