u/Virtual_Way_4467

Hi, I have a bit of an odd, subjective question for all of you…

Does time generally feel like it’s going fast or slow for you?

I know it’s a weird question, but I remember when I was in the depths of my ED, time passed so excruciatingly, painfully, unbearably SLOWLY, no matter what I was doing. Everything felt like an eternity, and sometimes the painfully slow passage of time tortured me almost as much as the ED itself.
I suppose it was because I was always waiting for something. For the next food. For the next excuse not to eat. For the next crazy, shitty thing to add to this disorder. In the later stages, I was waiting for death. But since starting recovery, time has been going so fucking fast! I blink, and half the day is gone! There isn’t enough time in the day now to do all the things I want to do.

Holy moly, having the energy to actually live and not just survive is awesome…

If you’re struggling to recognize whether you’re actually hungry, “binging,” or “eating out of boredom,” ask yourself this question:
If everyone on Earth disappeared and I had the whole world to myself, if I could do anything I wanted without being judged, what would I do?
…
If one of your first thoughts is finally eating ALL the food you want, especially the foods you deem “unhealthy” or normally don’t allow yourself to have, there you go…

Why does food feel like something you could only fully enjoy in a world without judgment, rules, or consequences?

People who are eating enough for their bodies and don’t have this constant mental battle with food probably wouldn’t immediately start fantasizing about finally being allowed to eat EVERYTHING they’ve been denying themselves.

I know that our relationships with food, exercise, and our bodies are deeply personal, and we all have our own reasons for doing what we do. Maybe you were bullied in the past. Maybe you desperately wanted to be loved. Maybe you were abused. Maybe controlling your body became a way of coping with things you couldn’t control. Maybe it was something else entirely.

But! ask yourself this: If my body existed without anyone else being able to see or judge it, would I still impose all of these rules on myself? Would that fear of gaining weight eventually disappear if there were nobody else left on the planet? Would you still be afraid of “losing control” if there were no one around to judge you, reject you, compare you to someone else, or hurt you?

The world would be your playground, your oyster, right?

But what if I told you that it already IS your playground and your oyster, even with all the people, circumstances, and things you can’t control?

If you mask restrictive eating habits or overexercising with “I just want to be healthy!”, another question for you: If nobody else existed, would I still choose to eat the way I currently eat? Would I exercise this much? Would I force myself to do the same amount of movement?

If the answer is no, then maybe some of the things you call “health” aren’t really about health at all. And that’s something worth being curious about rather than ashamed of.

I know you’re angry. Recovery can make you angry. It can feel deeply unfair to have to fight against something your own brain is telling you to hold onto.
But there comes a point when we have to take responsibility for our recovery. We may not have chosen to end up here, but recovery still requires us to choose, again and again, to do things differently.

It’s a mental game, my loves. I got trapped in it, and so did you.

So try to act like a gentle, loving parent toward yourself. Feed yourself. Let yourself rest. Stop punishing yourself for being hungry!!! Question the rules instead of automatically obeying them.

That little girl is still inside you. Treat her the way she deserved to be treated all along.

I hope some of this resonated with you and rang a bell. It’s worth giving it some thought. It could also be a good journal prompt for some shadow work :)

Hello everyone,

I know that many of the things I’m going to mention have already been addressed in this thread. However, I think I mostly need some reassurance that what I’m experiencing is normal.

I’ve struggled with food and my body for as long as I can remember. There are many reasons for that: being put on a restrictive medical diet when I was only seven years old (I was very sick and couldn’t eat most foods for nearly two years), food-related trauma, sexual abuse, bullying, and choosing romantic partners who only made things worse.

I first started restricting my food intake when I was 13. Because of other mental health issues, I was prescribed antidepressants, and when I was 15, I developed bulimia. That continued for another five years. When I was 20, I stopped taking antidepressants, broke up with my boyfriend, and somehow my bulimia turned into orthorexia/anorexia.

It’s important to note that I had never been underweight during my struggles with food until after the breakup and coming off antidepressants. I quickly reached a very low BMI, and if I had continued for much longer, I probably wouldn’t be here today.

Six months ago, I decided to face my fears and recover on my own. The weight gain happened RAPIDLY, and after only two months, I reached the minimum BMI considered “healthy.” Right now, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, and I don’t know whether I’ll ever stop gaining because the extreme hunger is still there. I’ve accepted the number on the scale and the fact that my body looks very different from how it did just six months ago. However, I don’t want to become overweight or obese.

The problem is that I have never learned how to eat normally. I don’t know how to tell whether I’m truly hungry or whether I’m using food to suppress emotions. I’ve felt disconnected from my body my entire life.

I’ve also been missing my period for almost a year. It disappeared after I stopped taking birth control, but I was already underweight at that point. My gynecologist told me it was likely due to my low body fat percentage. It’s also worth mentioning that I was put on birth control at 16 because my periods were very irregular—possibly because I was already struggling with food back then. Looking back, it feels like birth control may have been a quick fix for a deeper issue.

Because I have struggled with eating disorders for most of my life, I don’t even know what my ideal weight could possibly be, or whether I can truly consider myself “weight restored,” given that I have never lived without an eating disorder and allowed my body to do its own thing.

I saw a therapist between the ages of 16 and 19, but it didn’t help. I know that one of the biggest tasks in my life is probably learning how to love and accept myself, but I don’t know how. When I was at my lowest weight, I hated myself the most. I remember thinking that I would finally love myself if I gained all the weight back, which felt strange because before the weight loss, I believed the exact opposite. At my lowest weight, I also wanted to end my life. I started giving away my belongings because I was coming to terms with the fact that I was starving myself to death.

I’m no longer starving myself or trying to make myself smaller, but food still occupies my thoughts every second of my life. It’s exhausting. I almost didn’t finish college because of it. I also feel embarrassed because I’m almost 22 and still dealing with something that feels like it should have been resolved years ago.

I’m figuring all of this out on my own. Does anyone have any advice, especially if you went through recovery without professional help or a support system? Do you think my period will return? Is it possible to live without constantly thinking about food and my body? Is this really extreme hunger, even though I’m now closer to being overweight? Is it possible to overcome something that has been part of me for as long as I can remember?