u/_skinnystrawberry

it's only been 5 weeks of outpatient therapy and my therapist wants me to consider a higher level of care, such as a day programme.

I start my bachelors degree in a few weeks and private day programmes are so expensive. there are virtually no public day programmes for EDs, just intensive outpatient and inpatient.

I'm so lost. I thought I've made a lot of progress but it feels like it isn't enough.

it's past 9pm where I'm at, and I should've finished the second litre by now (one at 7 to 8pm, the other at 8 to 9pm) but I haven't finished the first. this is god awful. I'm almost done 1L by taking sips of diet cola in between it.

I'm nauseous, my stomach is in so much pain, and I'm having reflux. I'm also barely emptying out? I maybe went to the bathroom once and it's been two hours since I started.

this is so disgusting. it tastes like snot. I feel so sick from the taste.

I ran out of green coloured ice pops, and I only have lemon flavoured jelly. I don't have any non-dyed flavoured syrups and I'm not even sure if I have any in the supermarkets near me. what do I do? 🙁 I also need to drink another 2L tomorrow morning... my procedure is in the afternoon – I have both a colonoscopy and a gastroscopy.

I'm only 3 weeks in, but have been in therapy with my therapist for a couple of months before starting CBT-E.

I feel like it has only made my ED thoughts worse. the constant focus on fixing my behaviours and rationalising them don't feel useful. I'm more obsessive now and my thoughts spiral for hours on end.

my depression and OCD has gotten so much worse too. I don't know what other alternatives there are out there aside from FBT (which I do not want to do – I'm 20 but live with my family).

I also want to consider harm reduction instead of all-in recovery but I don't know how to without sounding resistant to treatment.

any advice would be appreciated :)

I've been knitting for more than 2 years and have only completed two sweaters (one in which I frogged), a cardigan, a pair of socks, and a few other small accessories/items as practise.

I spent the first year just learning how to knit and different techniques. I knit like 3 bralettes using cheap acrylic yarn so I could learn increases/decreases, ribbing, knitting in the round, icords, etc. I started so many projects and then frogged them because I felt like too much of a beginner to do them, didn't have the "right" yarn/needles, or just lacking the skills.

and then there are people on social media who have knit five jumpers in half a year, some being cables or colourwork, as a newbie knitter.

I'm not that slow of a knitter, but I do feel a bit... ashamed of myself for not being good enough in a craft that I dedicate my time to.

I appreciate knitting as a craft and I love the process of knitting itself more than the outcome, but I still feel discouraged.

EDIT: okay I did not expect this much traction. I appreciate all the kind words!!! I just feel like the monetisation of hobbies and how they're displayed on social media fabricates this kind of ideal expectation of how the hobby should go. I wish we could all appreciate knitting for the beautiful craft it is, and not the need to consume and produce more.

in recovery doing outpatient treatment. this is my 2nd session but my first weigh in, because last week, the scales were broken lol.

I purposefully looked away from the number and made a joke how I wouldn't anyway care much because I noticed the scale was set in pounds (I use kg). she asked if I saw the number, I said no, and then she said something like "you weigh about [this many pounds] which translates to about [this many kilos] so your weight hasn't changed much".

I don't think I communicated effectively that I didn't want to know. I've mentioned before that it's more about food control than it is about my weight, but I'm still uncomfortable knowing. she asked me how I felt about now knowing my weight, and I said I wasn't sure. she said our goal is to be able to tolerate seeing a difference on the scale. whaaaat?

this isn't to bad mouth my therapist. I've been working with her for months, before treatment, and she's helped me immensely.

what do I do about it next week?

I'm on the lowest dose, 10mg a day, and I take it before my main meal of a day. I've been on this dosage for 3 months now and it's slowly losing its effectiveness. I'm thinking of asking a doctor to increase my dosage but I'm worried about cardiac health. I'm underweight, have an eating disorder, and already experience chest pains, shortness of breath, etc. normal EKG though!

this has led me to asking about other possible medications.

I trialled metoclopramide but that gave me immediate neurological side effects – I was extremely paranoid, restless, and I had involuntary muscle movements.

my general practitioner (not a GI doctor) mentioned prucalopride as being an option but didn't want to prescribe it to me because of its potential side effect of worsening depression. I have a history of suicide ideation.

are there any other prokinetics out there that are effective? or has anyone here been on a higher dosage of domperidone for > 3 months?

I'm not diagnosed with GP, though my gastroenterologist and psychiatrist mentioned it being a possibility because of my eating disorder. if my scopes come back normal, I'll ask for a GES, but in the meantime, I'm suffering so much with these symptoms. I'm also in treatment for my eating disorder and I can't increase my food intake (or drink enough water...) because it hurts.

I joined my first online support group yesterday, it was a zoom call. I didn't participate (camera hidden), I just viewed it. it was okay, and quite wholesome. I thought I'd be triggered but I wasn't at all. I'm not sure if I can name specific organisations but if I can, let me know and I'll share it to anyone that's interested.

I'm curious on anyone's experience with group sessions, whether that's in-person or online.

I wanted to get better in jaunary, I really did want help. I went to therapy, got scared, and didnt schedule another appointment for over a month. and then I just started gaining an insane amount of weight even though I'm barely eating.

I gained almost >!10kg!< eating barely any food. my bmi went up by a lot. it feels like fat and I feel huge. I'm not comfortable in my skin. I can't recognise myself in the mirror... my cheeks are puffy and my stomach looks so round from the bloating.

I attributed the weight gain to >!chewing and spitting behaviour!< but when I posted it on the ask doctors sub, I was told it was fluid retention due to possible organ failure. I feel fine. why do I feel fine? a few months ago I felt like I was dying, and now I feel physically fine. I didn't see a doctor yet because I don't feel like I deserve help anymore.

I'm in therapy and I have regular sessions but I don't know how to cooperate if I feel like I don't deserve it.

I also relapsed with sh recently. I hate how mentally ill I am.

I don't know what to do. I just keep gaining weight and I hate what I see in the mirror. not eating makes it worse, eating makes it worse. I don't want to keep doing any of this anymore.

I don't know why I'm posting this either. I just feel so alone.