u/mami51421

I’m so exhausted of it… every day it’s oh I’m so hungry… ok now I feel better, oh wait no I didn’t eat enough, time to eat some more, oh apparently I’m thirsty, now I’m nauseous, now I’m tired, now I need to eat again, now I think I ate enough and I’m done here, oh wait nope I‘m nauseous again time to figure out what else to eat 😩

****TW: mentions of fatphobia and disordered thoughts***

Hi everyone,

I discovered you all last week and you guys have been absolutely instrumental in helping me realize I had an ED/disordered eating, and helping me cultivate healthier thought patterns. So thank you.

I just wanted to post this to say that I've realized that people who don't like their own bodies are more critical of you. I would ask people around me (because I often couldn't tell how I appeared) if I looked ok, if I needed to lose weight. Like my mom, or my sister, or my friend N. Now I realize all of those people have an unhealthy body image and do not like their bodies.

My mom would tell me I needed to seriously exercise a lot, every single day for the 2 weeks I went to visit family. But she would always say she (herself) looked fat in pictures, when she doesn't.

My sister really dislikes her own body and compares herself all the time to Instagram girls, which makes her self-esteem even lower, and aspires to look like them - she doesn't have disordered eating habits necessarily but she does struggle with compulsive and compensatory exercise. She's completely healthy, but doesn't like how she looks because she isn't rail-thin. She also projects her body image concerns on me and comments on my weight.

My friend N is someone I thought I could lean on to to reassure me about my appearance. When I asked him "Do I look ok, should I lose weight?" he would say "Um... I mean... it's up to you... I mean I know people who are very large and you are not them... the important thing is eating less calories and to just exercise more. It's really that simple." And I took that to mean he did think I was too heavy and I needed to lose weight, which was completely not what I wanted to hear in my ED recovery (having gained a lot of weight due to EH). And I left feeling terrible about my body.

But then I realized N is someone who has disordered thoughts about food... he actively dislikes his own body and thinks he's too heavy, and he is engaging currently in compulsive movement (an insane amount of steps per day, PLUS gym afterwards) and counting calories. Someone with a healthier body image would probably have been more positive with me, like "You look fine, you look perfect." I realize fatphobia is pervasive in society, but other people in my life with a healthier relationship with food and body image do not make me feel bad about my body, even if I've gained weight.

So, yeah. I depended so much on their validation but now I'm trying not to let them get to me and project their body discomfort on me. It's not easy, because I do internalize what they say, and I'm not always comfortable with the changes my body has gone through in recovery. But I'm working on it.