u/mami51421

tw: iphone health app, movement

when my iphone health app gives me a "ping" and says "New trends: there have been changes in your active energy, distance, and steps trends." yes... I know.

isn't it so annoying? yes I know I've been not moving my body. why did I need you to tell me that? why was it necessary to bring it up? it hasn't been *too* triggering to me but for someone who might not yet be in recovery, or is tiptoeing into recovery, this kind of thing is terrible.

so yeah, I guess this is a PSA to disable your notifications for that app.

Hey everyone,

I have been able to partially recover the website of a children's book author Gwyneth Rees who writes about fairies -- it was a big part of my childhood. Thanks to Wayback Machine I have been able to re-access the website (www.gwynethrees.com) albeit with many links and files not accessible.

The feature I'd like to recover the most is a fairy-themed karaoke song - "http://www.gwynethrees.com/Fun-Stuff.php?sub=fabfairysong&id=singalong". There's a swf file that isn't able to load, karaoke.swf. I checked the URLs menu from Wayback and it wasn't archived.

Is it lost forever? Has anyone else dealt with this sort of problem, or ever heard of Gwynethrees.com? I even contacted the publisher about 5 years ago asking about the website and the song, and they ghosted me!

TW: fatphobia

My parents flew in to see me and are staying in town for a few weeks. When my mom first saw me she looked down at my belly for a long time, and then in for a hug. And then the rest of the night both my mom and dad kept dropping hints that I needed to lose weight.

i know i gained a lot of weight during recovery. I gained a lot. But I also got my period back for three months in a row for the first time in years. And ive actually been eating very well and very nutritiously for the past few months. I’ve been not exercising at all.

but I know my parents hate my body. and that makes me dislike the changes my body has been through. I know I’m doing the right thing for myself and that weight gain is natural and even required, even if it makes me technically overweight. I try to ignore them.

but their words still get to me and it just all makes me want to cry. I feel ugly and unlovable and like I’m walking on tiptoes just by existing.

I just had my first Zoom meeting with an ED-trained dietician. He told me that he used to suffer from ana + orthorexia and has now made a full recovery and enjoys being a dietician to help others on their journeys. Ok.

I told him that I wanted to speak to a dietician to help me navigate through my extreme hunger, since it's been scary having to eat so much cookies/chocolates/raisins/muffins just to fall asleep, and then sometimes waking up at 3 or 4am with a sore stomach that I have to quell with more sweets. And that this just started a few weeks ago, even though I've been in active recovery for around a year or so.

The first thing he said was "So you're craving a lot of added sugar?" and in my head I was like... "added sugar"? I mean they're sweets, why call it "added sugar"???

Then he said "Have you considered eating fruits instead?" And I was thinking... FRUITS?? do you think wanting cookies/chocolate and wanting fruits are the same?? that my body has been finding in chocolate what it should have been finding from FRUIT???

I was all "yeah... I've had fruits but they don't help me feel better in the same way chocolate/cookies do."

Then he said "What sort of emotions do you feel when you crave and eat sweets?" (probably wondering if it's some sort of unhealthy binge behavior)

I said "Well I just feel a physical sensation in my stomach, soreness, that tells me I need to eat, and only sweets help me feel better."

And then after typing down what I said, he said "Hmm this is interesting, I've never had someone have symptoms like yours." Like EXTREME HUNGER??? Like textbook restriction recovery symptom???

Sorry he's a nice guy but this was.... not it.

I’m so exhausted of it… every day it’s oh I’m so hungry… ok now I feel better, oh wait no I didn’t eat enough, time to eat some more, oh apparently I’m thirsty, now I’m nauseous, now I’m tired, now I need to eat again, now I think I ate enough and I’m done here, oh wait nope I‘m nauseous again time to figure out what else to eat 😩

****TW: mentions of fatphobia and disordered thoughts***

Hi everyone,

I discovered you all last week and you guys have been absolutely instrumental in helping me realize I had an ED/disordered eating, and helping me cultivate healthier thought patterns. So thank you.

I just wanted to post this to say that I've realized that people who don't like their own bodies are more critical of you. I would ask people around me (because I often couldn't tell how I appeared) if I looked ok, if I needed to lose weight. Like my mom, or my sister, or my friend N. Now I realize all of those people have an unhealthy body image and do not like their bodies.

My mom would tell me I needed to seriously exercise a lot, every single day for the 2 weeks I went to visit family. But she would always say she (herself) looked fat in pictures, when she doesn't.

My sister really dislikes her own body and compares herself all the time to Instagram girls, which makes her self-esteem even lower, and aspires to look like them - she doesn't have disordered eating habits necessarily but she does struggle with compulsive and compensatory exercise. She's completely healthy, but doesn't like how she looks because she isn't rail-thin. She also projects her body image concerns on me and comments on my weight.

My friend N is someone I thought I could lean on to to reassure me about my appearance. When I asked him "Do I look ok, should I lose weight?" he would say "Um... I mean... it's up to you... I mean I know people who are very large and you are not them... the important thing is eating less calories and to just exercise more. It's really that simple." And I took that to mean he did think I was too heavy and I needed to lose weight, which was completely not what I wanted to hear in my ED recovery (having gained a lot of weight due to EH). And I left feeling terrible about my body.

But then I realized N is someone who has disordered thoughts about food... he actively dislikes his own body and thinks he's too heavy, and he is engaging currently in compulsive movement (an insane amount of steps per day, PLUS gym afterwards) and counting calories. Someone with a healthier body image would probably have been more positive with me, like "You look fine, you look perfect." I realize fatphobia is pervasive in society, but other people in my life with a healthier relationship with food and body image do not make me feel bad about my body, even if I've gained weight.

So, yeah. I depended so much on their validation but now I'm trying not to let them get to me and project their body discomfort on me. It's not easy, because I do internalize what they say, and I'm not always comfortable with the changes my body has gone through in recovery. But I'm working on it.