u/Entire_Weather3209

I’ve had a lot of moments where I’m forced to realize my ED impacts me more than I like to admit. But I just had one and it makes me feel sick. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight, not all of it from my ED but I used to make videos (for myself) and in some of them I was close to my HW (before I started the healthy weight loss which later became my ED returning). I hadn’t looked at those videos in so long, but today I did. I’m so fucked up for what I’ve done

I don’t want to bullshit, I do prefer my appearance now over then. I know I’m not supposed to but I don’t want to lie. But at the same time, I really am sick in the head. I knew obviously from an objective scale standpoint that I’ve lost a lot of weight, but I never could see it. Now I can. If me then could see me now, I’d be happy with my current weight and so fucking concerned how low my UGW is and how much more I want to lose. I also think that version of me would be freaking the fuck out about how far I’ve allowed my body to break down when it used to be important to me to never allow something like this. I’d be horrified

I wish I could say that it’s my wake up call or whatever, but again, I don’t want to lie. I know I have a problem. I don’t want to have a problem. I don’t know how to actually fix it, and because I don’t know how, I won’t. (Also yes I’ve done tons of therapy and everything else recommended it just didn’t work). It still scares me though, I think it’s worse to be self aware by so much when you know you have a problem, but can’t actually fix it. Ignorance is bliss, and I don’t have it

TW: SH-ish behaviors(?) not sure what else to call it, talking about bodily harm, gross, kinda gore-ish? Sorry I’m not sure how to label this

I have issues with scratching in general, but when I’m not in an ED relapse I can restrain myself. I will WANT to but I just won’t (unless I’m half asleep on occasion). But when I say scratching I mean I’ll keep going and going >!no matter how much I’m bleeding!< and it’s not really in a “I hate myself” way, I for some reason get the most physical pleasure from it than anything. But I have also severely fucked myself up several times from it. Like as an example, I’ve lost my hearing many times for weeks at a time because I tend to go for my ears and I even had an ENT once refer to it as “scary” when she saw it and another became extremely concerned because he said >!a chunk was missing!< (though that healed completely so I think maybe he was just trying to snap me out of it rather than it being super serious. Also I’ve had my hearing checked numerous times I actually haven’t sustained hearing damage at all, it’s just the temporary times from >!blood/swelling/infections/ear impactions!<)

Anyways, it can happen to different parts of me but it’s just so incessant. I’m not even sure if it’s actually considered SH or not because again I do it because I physically enjoy it and I will get extremely pissed off if I have to stop. It’s like the worse my ED gets, the less controlled about my scratching problem I get. But the afterwards I become horrified, especially because sometimes my hearing is gone for very long periods of time and I’ll start crying if I think it’s permanent (especially if it happens to both at once)

I also feel like something is so wrong with me because even when I stop it’s never permanent and it makes me so self conscious. Like right now I haven’t been so my ears actually look perfectly normal, but again, it lines up with my ED behaviors. I don’t think it’s necessarily that my ED causes it directly, but I do think the fact that I care less about things during an ED relapse is what does make that behavior more frequent if that makes sense? I had a doctor tell me once to handcuff my hands behind my back when I feel the urge if I really can’t control it. But I also get extremely aggressive if I can’t scratch if I want to (which is weird because I don’t ever get aggressive about anything, even ED stuff I don’t, I just keep it internal. But the scratching thing is different, I get uncontrollably pissed)

Also please don’t be judgey 😭 I didn’t really have another space I felt safe to talk about it in and I know it’s weird 🫠

I get asked a lot by different people in my family. I get it. I have a problem, everybody knows I have a problem. But I’ve been trying to fast less and being asked that triggers me so bad. I know they’re asking because they think I SHOULD eat but it makes me feel like I shouldn’t when they ask me. I try to do eat anyways but I really hate it.

It also makes me hyperaware because the next question if I say yes is always “what did you eat” and then my answer will always be wrong to them. It’s either not nutritious enough, not enough food, if I lie then they’ll still find some reason why it’s wrong, it just makes me so self conscious

ALSO, these same family members (it’s multiple) will ALWAYS make the conversation turn back to their dietary habits and how they want to lose weight, talking about their weight (if they’re losing/gaining/stable), talking about their food and how they need to eat less, etc. I can’t handle those conversations well, I mean outwardly I do, but not internally

Another thing (and this is rather recent) is my mom keeps texting me asking me if I’m gaining weight. To be clear, I’m not UW. I know she’s asking because I’m supposed to be gaining (again not UW but I’m having medical issues and my doctors recommended me eating more/focusing on gaining muscle and was told not to lose more or I’ll get worse) and while her and I have a complicated relationship, she wants me to not be sick, BUT THAT IS SO TRIGGERING JFC 😭

Especially because sometimes I’ll just be ✨existing and eating like I should✨ and then while mid-bite I’ll just get a text like “are you gaining weight yet?? What weight are you at right now? Eat x food to gain faster, it’s so fattening. You’ll gain so fast” 😭😭😭 one of the times she sent me that I was ACTIVELY eating the foods she suggested to gain and it made me so distressed 😭😭

I really love reverb so I want to make sure I’m not overdoing it, how would you know when you hit “too much”?

Right now in my vocal chain I have both space maker (with a 20% mix, 6.4 width, 8.0 size and the dampening at 9517 Hz) and I also have after that studio reverb (with a 30% mix, 90% tone and 25% size). Is using both too much or am I good? I have to be honest like I said I REALLY enjoy reverb so even like at 90% I don’t think it’s too much but I know that I’m abnormal for that so I want opinions that aren’t mine 😭

I used to feel safe eating food if it was kept in the microwave, almost like a safety container in my mind. I know it’s weird, but it was just a rule for me to feel safe to eat. But recently TWICE there was spiders in it (I’m staying at my dads while he’s gone, there’s spider and scorpion issues even with pest control)

Anyways, I realized I can still convince myself to eat if food is single serve READY-MADE packaged food. I won’t cook and again, terrified of the microwave now. The only issue is I’m struggling really heavily with finding safe foods that won’t make my digestive issues worse (like protein bars and stuff is definitely safe for me but it makes my stomach more sick).

Does anybody have any suggestions? I know it seems irrational but I’m just being honest it needs to be packaged or I won’t eat and I don’t know what to do

I don’t tell people ever because I think they’d be offended, but I have major issues being able to tell people apart physically. And I don’t just mean strangers, I mean my family has joked about being able to follow me without me noticing because they don’t realize that the truth is that I just can’t recognize them. (I’ve walked past family in grocery stores and stuff, gotten into wrong cars with the wrong person, lots of things of that nature)

Unless you have a very unique thing like rainbow hair (that I know is rainbow and if it changes it’ll throw me off) it’s a genuine problem for me. Typically for family and stuff I’ll have things that helps me recognize them (certain hair cuts or something but even then I need to know to look for it), but again if they do it differently it’ll be an issue for me because I rely on it if they haven’t spoken. To be honest, I mostly go off of a persons voice (I’m very auditory) to recognize them and then just general social cues they make towards me

I’m asking because I was sent me a video of what I thought was the person who sent it to me and I complimented them on the video. And then they were like “That’s clearly not even me, can’t you tell??” And the truth is ✨no✨ but obviously I can’t say that 😭

Anyways, I was wondering if this is an ED related issue or not, because I’m like this even in recovery. I don’t think legitimately anybody in my life ever has noticed that reality of it, they just think I’m unobservant. It’s not a major issue. I’ve adjusted to it but it is still a thing I’m used to dealing with I suppose

Honestly it’s put me into really hilarious positions sometimes especially online if I don’t know for sure if an account belongs to somebody or not because I’ll just be staring trying to figure it out like “they have the same name.. that looks like a post they’d make right..? WAIT NOPE, this person posted on their birthday and it’s completely different!” 😭😭😭 I also worry people can’t recognize me too as incredibly stupid as that sounds sometimes I’m like “what if.. what if they can’t tell that I’m me. (I have an uncommon name) What if they think.. somebody else just happens to have my name and also has an account.. they’ll just.. think I’m some random stranger.. oh noooo.. I have to make this clear that I’m me.. how do I do that..?” 😭😭😭

I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but a few months ago I started really getting into making songs. It wasn’t ever something I even knew I wanted to do before, but I was in the hospital and terrified, so I just started. It was really therapeutic for me. It was the darkest thing I’ve ever made. By a lot. I made a lot of them. It wasn’t romanticizing my ED, quite the opposite.. it was just.. pain, is the best way to describe it. And it sucks, because I can’t ever let anybody see them. Some aren’t even fully done anyways I guess, I literally physically couldn’t sing some without breaking down crying no matter how many times I tried (I’m not a very good singer as it is so breaking down sobbing really would throw it off 😭)

But I couldn’t ever release them even if they were completed. I’d be paranoid of anybody who knows me personally figuring out they were mine. I thought about just releasing them without my name attached and just not telling anybody, but even then I know it would scare me too much. I know the odds would be low but it still worries me too much. I don’t want it to ever ruin my life in the future, it could impact my career in the future or just my life in general. I don’t know why it bothers me so much that nobody will ever see it, like I said I never even cared to make songs before that but it just does I guess. And I need to get over it because I’ve known for a long time, I think it just gets to me because it’s not like I can even really talk to anybody about it

And I’m still actively disordered so even more of a reason why I can’t release them, it’s not like I could make something after and be like “BUT THEN IT GOT BETTER” because that’d just be a lie, and I wouldn’t want to make something like that when it isn’t true for me

Again, I know the risk would be low. It’s not like I’d be releasing it to get popular, most ED songs aren’t mainstream but it’s my voice, and I feel like that could go very wrong very fast

I honestly don’t know what’s worse. I’ve decided since clearly I’m not recovering I should at least try to make myself not suffer any extra mentally but I’m not even sure what’s worse for me.

I’ve gone extremely long periods without looking in mirrors before, but then I think it made my BDD worse and I’d inevitably see myself by accident in reflections somehow and get jump scared. BUT, then flip side is sometimes I’ll go through periods where I’m not even joking my ✨entire day activity✨ is staring in the mirror looking for flaws, switching outfits and staring for more flaws. I seem to be incapable of being normal and just like.. looking for a few seconds. I really don’t even know what’s less disordered for me to do. Both versions are miserable

I don’t understand how other people aren’t obsessed with their appearance, like good for them but I don’t get it 😭 I want that 😭

I just mean like even with Reddit itself I have multiple accounts. Primarily because I don’t want anything regarding my ED to really touch anything else. Also just to reiterate I don’t post anything pro

It’s not that I’m ashamed I have an ED (I mean it’s embarrassing don’t get me wrong but I don’t care that much if people judge it anymore), it’s more so because I feel like if I say anything people disregard it often times if they realize you have an ED even if it’s entirely unrelated. It’s the same with most of my accounts in general, I always have the “normal version,” and my ED version and then sometimes random others if I’m really interested in something

Also I’ve realized that my “ED versions” of accounts tend to be less triggering for me ironically. Mostly because I find “normal” sides of platforms to be a lot worse (I know ED communities have a bad reputation but I feel like outside of pro spaces we’re actually a lot kinder more often than not)

I don’t know if it’s common or not to essentially have multiple versions, it’s kinda annoying to be honest even for me. Sometimes I’ll have a ridiculous amount of accounts but it’s not because I’m doing something malicious, I’m usually just hiding disordered stuff

I seriously hate hospitals. I’m really terrified of them and always have been. I’ve been hospitalized for a while (it is because of complications from my ED but my doctors don’t know I have an ED). I was supposed to transfer to a different hospital already but they keep not medically clearing me for transfer. I’m so fucking terrified and I hate that my ED put me in this position to begin with. Because even though they don’t recognize the real reason I’m having these issues, I do. And I just want to go home. I honestly feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. Yesterday they have me meds because I was panicking but I don’t want them to do that again because it just made me feel like I was on a strong sedative. To the point that yesterday there’s some memories I have that I can’t tell if they’re real or if they were just dreams. I just want to go home so bad. I want to stay in my room all day. I don’t want to see strangers and them watching me get undressed and stuff for safety. I understand why it’s necessary but it makes me feel so self conscious and uncomfortable

Also I pace when I’m anxious but they keep turning on the bed alarm to make sure I don’t get up which I mean honestly they should but for MY mental health it’s driving me up the wall. Granted they sometimes forget and I think about doing it, but I don’t want them to see me and then I get in trouble for non-compliance so I’m following the rules I guess. I don’t know pace for ED reasons it just makes me feel better but now I can’t and it makes me want to scream. I hope I end up getting transferred today, but I doubt it since it’s already past lunch time. I know it’s my fault for having an ED that I’m in this position and I know I sound dramatic but I really don’t like being here. I just want to be in my room in the dark, not with all these lights and loud machines. I opened the window to try to feel normal but it didn’t help, nothing seems to make me feel better. Honestly I keep contemplating if I should leave and sign whatever I need to to say I understand the risks or whatever but I should probably just tough it out

Also I’m sure my typing and grammar were shit in this so sorry I just made this post because I’m seriously trying to distract myself from acting unhinged 😭 I don’t want them to think I have more issues you know 😭 I think what’s freaking me out is that I like to know things, and since they told me they’d transfer me by now to the other hospital and haven’t, it’s making me panic. I hate not knowing things

One of my family members took me to eat today because we rarely see each other and I can’t really leave my house by myself anymore. I didn’t want to be weird and say I couldn’t eat so I ate a normal meal. But now I feel so guilty and I can’t stop thinking about how much I made a mistake. Also my stomach hurts so bad from it (I’ll be fine but still, it makes it worse that it’s not just mentally feeling bad but also physically)

Also just leaving the house was physically really hard on me which makes me feel sad. I’m trying to accept that my body is just different right now from my ED, it just makes me feel down because I’m still objectively chubby looking but I got the medical issues from my ED anyways

I’m just embarrassed about eating and how much it took out of me to go out (it’s my own fault because I’m supposed to be using a wheelchair till I can better handle walking and stuff but I feel too ashamed so I never really do). I don’t know. I’m just spiraling. I just didn’t want to put a damper on things, I haven’t hung out with her one on one since I was like in middle school so I didn’t want to ruin the day..

Background info >!I’m an hourglass (maybe pear?) woman (I say maybe pear because I have very large breasts but my butt is bigger so I don’t know?)!<

Anyways, I think it makes my ED worse. I have to get very UW for me to look “sick enough” in my eyes. It’s not that I dislike my breasts and butt, I actually like that about myself. But at the same time, it makes me feel so invalid. They’re bigger than most peoples without an ED. It makes me feel like way too big. I think if I didn’t have my breasts and butt as big I wouldn’t feel like I had to go as far as I feel I have to

It’s also odd because at the same time, for what I want my body to look like outside of ED reasons I feel like they’re not big enough. I have H Cup breasts for example (US sizing), that’s supposed to be pretty big. But in my mind for what “looks good” it’s not big enough (I want to be an O Cup), and for my ED it means I’m too fat. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like, I lose in both ways. I would be miserable regardless because I’d either be sad about being too much or not enough. I think if I didn’t have big breasts or a big butt I’d cool off ED wise more though. I think in general my body goals are kinda unachievable. Even if I hit my UGW, which is literally not survivable, I’d still want ribs taken out and things of that nature to look smaller because I’ll always feel like my stomach sticks out too much (I want basically nothing in my abdominal area at all). I thought when I was a teenager that I’d either hit my goals through extensive surgeries or that I’d outgrow it. But nethier happened, now I’m just an adult who’s mindset never really changed

Also I feel like maybe the way I dress might look odd because of it too. I only ever buy clothes based off waist measurement. I completely ignore hip/bust measurement because I know they’re a completely different size than my waist measurement (usually many size differences) and I’m terrified of looking fatter than I am. So I just wear clothes that are too tight for my bust/hips and purely focus on waist measurement. Nobody’s ever called me out for it, but I’d imagine it might be noticeable. I would just rather look ridiculous than fatter than I am I guess, and I can’t afford to tailor my clothes so it’s what I go with

It’s a pattern I’ve noticed I go through often with my ED. Regardless of which phase I’m in though, I stay disordered. Just to varying degrees

And when I say fighter energy, I both mean in terms of “I’m going to recover right now!” And “I will do anything to stay disordered!” They’re both very intense “fighter” energy and both feel like permanent states to me in the moment. It’s weird and they seem opposite, but I consider how intense I feel both to mean they’re almost related in a twisted way

But then they also disappear eventually and become “I give up” energy. When it’s in a disordered way, it’s more like “I’m disordered because I don’t know another way to exist. But if somebody stepped in and pushed recovery, I wouldn’t fight. I don’t have the energy” and also with recovery with “I don’t know how to recover, I don’t feel capable. I’ll just go back to being disordered”

It’s just weird to me how so many different points of the spectrum of my ED I go through, again, all of them don’t actually change much. I stay disordered regardless. But mentally I go through different states throughout my relapse

I feel like I’ve done an incredibly terrible job of articulating what I meant here but I don’t know how else to word it 😭 hopefully it’s not entirely nonsensical 😭

I’m feeling really upset right now because I went on “normal” social media and got triggered multiple times in a row. It wasn’t just the posters but also the comments. People are so heartless about weight, I don’t understand what’s wrong with them. To be honest, I feel like people without EDs are much harsher about the weight of others than people with an ED. Whether somebody is UW, NW or OW I just don’t insult them for it, ever. I don’t understand why that’s such a difficult concept

I hate how society is about weight, food and body image. I don’t mean this in a justifying way to be clear but it honestly does make me feel like I’m not wrong that everybody is judging my weight because that’s all they ever seem to do. And it’s not just online, IRL, people are always making comments even when somebody’s not in the room like “oh did you see so-and-so? Yeah they gained/lost so much weight, [insert cruel comment]”

I know I have an ED. I know I see things distorted, but it’s like.. how am I ever going to sustain recovery when people are like that..? I’ve recovered before, many times. Most for very long periods, and I’m not at all right now, but.. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to hold recovery because of how people are. I’ll always know my weight is a talking point for people. I’ll know people are constantly scrutinizing my weight, because if they’re scrutinizing random strangers then I know I’m no exception. I wish I could give myself some comfort that it’s just in my head. That people don’t actually judge weight. But that’s not true, and I know it

I think the ones who upset me most are the ones who claim that they’re cruel because they care about the persons “health” when it’s utterly clear that it’s bullshit when all they ever do is insult people over their weight

Also the “health” obsession is irritating in it of itself, even if you care about “health” look at like any nutritional influencer and they’ll tell you like almost every food is bad for your health, except for very few. And then you’ll go to the next one and they’ll say even those very few are also bad. It’s why even with my ED I never go for “health” because to me, there’s no point when everything I do will be “wrong” anyways. I’ve even worked with nutritional professionals in the past (LONG TIME AGO) and it’s funny how much they would essentially tell me the last person I saw was completely wrong and to listen to them instead. All it proved to me is they’re unreliable when they can’t even agree so I just focus on cals. Not saying it’s right but honestly, I feel like there’s no winning anyways when it comes to “healthy eating.”

I don’t know. Food isn’t supposed to be some big decision to make, deciding what/when/how to eat isn’t supposed to be hard. Children can do it. Yet for me it’s genuinely ruining my life

I’ve been living alone recently, for me ED wise that’s a massive problem. I was honestly scared of it because I get SI when I don’t eat and I have issues getting myself to eat when I’m alone.

But I actually have been eating. It’s just.. that I’m still restricting which is what it is I guess, that’s expected. But all my safe foods are now.. candy? I’m keeping my cals really low, actually lower than before which is bad, but I’m eating basically nothing but candy. I don’t understand why these are my safe foods now. For most people, it would be their fear foods. I have atypical anorexia but I already saw myself as junkorexic leaning because I eat a lot of junk food but literal just candy is different for me. And I think my body isn’t handling it well. I keep having horrible diarrhea, my stomach hurts so bad, I feel sick (like worse than I do from regular restricting) and I have issues with physically perceiving myself but I think my calves look fucked up right now. They look swollen(?) but in a weird way(?) again I have perception issues so I can’t tell if it’s just in my head but they do also hurt really bad so I don’t think so. But my body hasn’t been doing well so I’m not working out too hard or something

I’m not sure if this is even less bad for me or not. I didn’t anticipate this response from myself. At the same time, I know trying to break me into other safe foods will take a very long time. And honestly, this might be safer than me losing all my safe foods (which honestly may happen soon, I’m feeling so sick that I don’t even want to eat anymore from that alone). I’m so confused. It’s like even I can’t predict my disordered behavior, and that frustrates me because it reminds me I’m not really in control of my ED

I think the reason I eat candy is because it’s small so I don’t feel like I’m overeating and it’s no effort (I will not cook during a relapse). Plus I’m a picky eater with a sweet tooth but in a way, I really am trying my best. Like I got the candy to begin with because part of me was concerned it would be all I’d be willing to eat, and I was right. It’s like I’m trying to take care of myself, but I’m messed up so I’m doing it in a horrible way lol. At least I put in effort to keep me alive even if it is a botched job 😭

I’m not really looking for advice I know it’s just my body throwing a bitch fit (this isn’t RFS) but I just want to vent

I feel like shit. I was trying to eat more to help me longterm. All I’ve been doing is involuntarily vomiting as a consequence to that. I am in so much fucking pain. I hate this. I was trying to do better. Now I’m scared to eat. I was already going to have issues getting myself to eat since I’d be living alone soon, now I’m also physically afraid of the pain of eating. This is going to be a fucking disaster AND now I’m used to purging again. FML. Fuck this disorder. I hate food. I will always hate food. Food is ruining my life. I wish it didn’t exist.

I spent my day vomiting, being in pain, and introducing myself to EMS down the street in case I have to call them since I’ve had a lot of medical issues from this stupid disorder and my dad wanted me to which was embarrassing since I’m an adult but whatever. (I know my dad is just worried and wanted them to get to know me just in case and to give them our codes and stuff in an emergency but still it felt humiliating). This is where I’m at in life I guess

I’m going to be living alone very soon. I know when I do I’m going to get a lot worse. The past few days I’ve been trying to get myself accustomed to eating more so that way hopefully I don’t just start fasting a shit ton when I’m alone. For me, the less I eat the harder it gets to motivate myself to eat. And being alone will make the motivation to eat really low so I was trying to harm reduce by setting what I’m used to eating a little higher before I was alone, even if it wasn’t perfect. I was trying to give me a buffer. But instead all that’s happening is I try to eat a normal meal and start vomiting involuntarily anyways. I know it’s because my body isn’t used to it. But it’s bad because while my ED has become atypical anorexia with restricting as my main issue, I used to be bulimic with purging as my main issue. Vomiting involuntarily usually makes me continue even once I don’t have to anymore because it’s hard for me once I’ve already started to have self control. I’ve been throwing up every day for the past few days. I hadn’t in so long before. My attempt to harm reduce made me worse

I feel like I accidentally made things worse instead of better. Now I’m going to live alone starting Sunday, and now I’m going to be struggling with both purging and restriction. I was just trying to harm reduce to the best of my ability. I guess it backfired anyways. Just sucks a lot. It’s true I wasn’t even aiming for recovery this time, but I really was trying to take care of myself better. Every time I feel like I try to get better it somehow goes wrong. I really wasnt trying to purge, my stomach would just start hurting so bad and then it would happen anyways. But at least for me the biggest purge trigger is vomiting since voluntary or not, physically they feel the same and it did make my pain stop which I feel like reinforced it even more. At least I tried to do better I guess

Also I think what made it worse is while my relapse has been a very long time the past few weeks I’ve gone from my normal to restriction, to eating more, to going back to my normal restriction and then now this. My body is probably confused from all the flip flopping on why my intake keeps changing