u/Entire_Weather3209

I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but a few months ago I started really getting into making songs. It wasn’t ever something I even knew I wanted to do before, but I was in the hospital and terrified, so I just started. It was really therapeutic for me. It was the darkest thing I’ve ever made. By a lot. I made a lot of them. It wasn’t romanticizing my ED, quite the opposite.. it was just.. pain, is the best way to describe it. And it sucks, because I can’t ever let anybody see them. Some aren’t even fully done anyways I guess, I literally physically couldn’t sing some without breaking down crying no matter how many times I tried (I’m not a very good singer as it is so breaking down sobbing really would throw it off 😭)

But I couldn’t ever release them even if they were completed. I’d be paranoid of anybody who knows me personally figuring out they were mine. I thought about just releasing them without my name attached and just not telling anybody, but even then I know it would scare me too much. I know the odds would be low but it still worries me too much. I don’t want it to ever ruin my life in the future, it could impact my career in the future or just my life in general. I don’t know why it bothers me so much that nobody will ever see it, like I said I never even cared to make songs before that but it just does I guess. And I need to get over it because I’ve known for a long time, I think it just gets to me because it’s not like I can even really talk to anybody about it

And I’m still actively disordered so even more of a reason why I can’t release them, it’s not like I could make something after and be like “BUT THEN IT GOT BETTER” because that’d just be a lie, and I wouldn’t want to make something like that when it isn’t true for me

Again, I know the risk would be low. It’s not like I’d be releasing it to get popular, most ED songs aren’t mainstream but it’s my voice, and I feel like that could go very wrong very fast

I honestly don’t know what’s worse. I’ve decided since clearly I’m not recovering I should at least try to make myself not suffer any extra mentally but I’m not even sure what’s worse for me.

I’ve gone extremely long periods without looking in mirrors before, but then I think it made my BDD worse and I’d inevitably see myself by accident in reflections somehow and get jump scared. BUT, then flip side is sometimes I’ll go through periods where I’m not even joking my ✨entire day activity✨ is staring in the mirror looking for flaws, switching outfits and staring for more flaws. I seem to be incapable of being normal and just like.. looking for a few seconds. I really don’t even know what’s less disordered for me to do. Both versions are miserable

I don’t understand how other people aren’t obsessed with their appearance, like good for them but I don’t get it 😭 I want that 😭

I just mean like even with Reddit itself I have multiple accounts. Primarily because I don’t want anything regarding my ED to really touch anything else. Also just to reiterate I don’t post anything pro

It’s not that I’m ashamed I have an ED (I mean it’s embarrassing don’t get me wrong but I don’t care that much if people judge it anymore), it’s more so because I feel like if I say anything people disregard it often times if they realize you have an ED even if it’s entirely unrelated. It’s the same with most of my accounts in general, I always have the “normal version,” and my ED version and then sometimes random others if I’m really interested in something

Also I’ve realized that my “ED versions” of accounts tend to be less triggering for me ironically. Mostly because I find “normal” sides of platforms to be a lot worse (I know ED communities have a bad reputation but I feel like outside of pro spaces we’re actually a lot kinder more often than not)

I don’t know if it’s common or not to essentially have multiple versions, it’s kinda annoying to be honest even for me. Sometimes I’ll have a ridiculous amount of accounts but it’s not because I’m doing something malicious, I’m usually just hiding disordered stuff

I seriously hate hospitals. I’m really terrified of them and always have been. I’ve been hospitalized for a while (it is because of complications from my ED but my doctors don’t know I have an ED). I was supposed to transfer to a different hospital already but they keep not medically clearing me for transfer. I’m so fucking terrified and I hate that my ED put me in this position to begin with. Because even though they don’t recognize the real reason I’m having these issues, I do. And I just want to go home. I honestly feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. Yesterday they have me meds because I was panicking but I don’t want them to do that again because it just made me feel like I was on a strong sedative. To the point that yesterday there’s some memories I have that I can’t tell if they’re real or if they were just dreams. I just want to go home so bad. I want to stay in my room all day. I don’t want to see strangers and them watching me get undressed and stuff for safety. I understand why it’s necessary but it makes me feel so self conscious and uncomfortable

Also I pace when I’m anxious but they keep turning on the bed alarm to make sure I don’t get up which I mean honestly they should but for MY mental health it’s driving me up the wall. Granted they sometimes forget and I think about doing it, but I don’t want them to see me and then I get in trouble for non-compliance so I’m following the rules I guess. I don’t know pace for ED reasons it just makes me feel better but now I can’t and it makes me want to scream. I hope I end up getting transferred today, but I doubt it since it’s already past lunch time. I know it’s my fault for having an ED that I’m in this position and I know I sound dramatic but I really don’t like being here. I just want to be in my room in the dark, not with all these lights and loud machines. I opened the window to try to feel normal but it didn’t help, nothing seems to make me feel better. Honestly I keep contemplating if I should leave and sign whatever I need to to say I understand the risks or whatever but I should probably just tough it out

Also I’m sure my typing and grammar were shit in this so sorry I just made this post because I’m seriously trying to distract myself from acting unhinged 😭 I don’t want them to think I have more issues you know 😭 I think what’s freaking me out is that I like to know things, and since they told me they’d transfer me by now to the other hospital and haven’t, it’s making me panic. I hate not knowing things

One of my family members took me to eat today because we rarely see each other and I can’t really leave my house by myself anymore. I didn’t want to be weird and say I couldn’t eat so I ate a normal meal. But now I feel so guilty and I can’t stop thinking about how much I made a mistake. Also my stomach hurts so bad from it (I’ll be fine but still, it makes it worse that it’s not just mentally feeling bad but also physically)

Also just leaving the house was physically really hard on me which makes me feel sad. I’m trying to accept that my body is just different right now from my ED, it just makes me feel down because I’m still objectively chubby looking but I got the medical issues from my ED anyways

I’m just embarrassed about eating and how much it took out of me to go out (it’s my own fault because I’m supposed to be using a wheelchair till I can better handle walking and stuff but I feel too ashamed so I never really do). I don’t know. I’m just spiraling. I just didn’t want to put a damper on things, I haven’t hung out with her one on one since I was like in middle school so I didn’t want to ruin the day..

Background info >!I’m an hourglass (maybe pear?) woman (I say maybe pear because I have very large breasts but my butt is bigger so I don’t know?)!<

Anyways, I think it makes my ED worse. I have to get very UW for me to look “sick enough” in my eyes. It’s not that I dislike my breasts and butt, I actually like that about myself. But at the same time, it makes me feel so invalid. They’re bigger than most peoples without an ED. It makes me feel like way too big. I think if I didn’t have my breasts and butt as big I wouldn’t feel like I had to go as far as I feel I have to

It’s also odd because at the same time, for what I want my body to look like outside of ED reasons I feel like they’re not big enough. I have H Cup breasts for example (US sizing), that’s supposed to be pretty big. But in my mind for what “looks good” it’s not big enough (I want to be an O Cup), and for my ED it means I’m too fat. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like, I lose in both ways. I would be miserable regardless because I’d either be sad about being too much or not enough. I think if I didn’t have big breasts or a big butt I’d cool off ED wise more though. I think in general my body goals are kinda unachievable. Even if I hit my UGW, which is literally not survivable, I’d still want ribs taken out and things of that nature to look smaller because I’ll always feel like my stomach sticks out too much (I want basically nothing in my abdominal area at all). I thought when I was a teenager that I’d either hit my goals through extensive surgeries or that I’d outgrow it. But nethier happened, now I’m just an adult who’s mindset never really changed

Also I feel like maybe the way I dress might look odd because of it too. I only ever buy clothes based off waist measurement. I completely ignore hip/bust measurement because I know they’re a completely different size than my waist measurement (usually many size differences) and I’m terrified of looking fatter than I am. So I just wear clothes that are too tight for my bust/hips and purely focus on waist measurement. Nobody’s ever called me out for it, but I’d imagine it might be noticeable. I would just rather look ridiculous than fatter than I am I guess, and I can’t afford to tailor my clothes so it’s what I go with

It’s a pattern I’ve noticed I go through often with my ED. Regardless of which phase I’m in though, I stay disordered. Just to varying degrees

And when I say fighter energy, I both mean in terms of “I’m going to recover right now!” And “I will do anything to stay disordered!” They’re both very intense “fighter” energy and both feel like permanent states to me in the moment. It’s weird and they seem opposite, but I consider how intense I feel both to mean they’re almost related in a twisted way

But then they also disappear eventually and become “I give up” energy. When it’s in a disordered way, it’s more like “I’m disordered because I don’t know another way to exist. But if somebody stepped in and pushed recovery, I wouldn’t fight. I don’t have the energy” and also with recovery with “I don’t know how to recover, I don’t feel capable. I’ll just go back to being disordered”

It’s just weird to me how so many different points of the spectrum of my ED I go through, again, all of them don’t actually change much. I stay disordered regardless. But mentally I go through different states throughout my relapse

I feel like I’ve done an incredibly terrible job of articulating what I meant here but I don’t know how else to word it 😭 hopefully it’s not entirely nonsensical 😭

I’m feeling really upset right now because I went on “normal” social media and got triggered multiple times in a row. It wasn’t just the posters but also the comments. People are so heartless about weight, I don’t understand what’s wrong with them. To be honest, I feel like people without EDs are much harsher about the weight of others than people with an ED. Whether somebody is UW, NW or OW I just don’t insult them for it, ever. I don’t understand why that’s such a difficult concept

I hate how society is about weight, food and body image. I don’t mean this in a justifying way to be clear but it honestly does make me feel like I’m not wrong that everybody is judging my weight because that’s all they ever seem to do. And it’s not just online, IRL, people are always making comments even when somebody’s not in the room like “oh did you see so-and-so? Yeah they gained/lost so much weight, [insert cruel comment]”

I know I have an ED. I know I see things distorted, but it’s like.. how am I ever going to sustain recovery when people are like that..? I’ve recovered before, many times. Most for very long periods, and I’m not at all right now, but.. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to hold recovery because of how people are. I’ll always know my weight is a talking point for people. I’ll know people are constantly scrutinizing my weight, because if they’re scrutinizing random strangers then I know I’m no exception. I wish I could give myself some comfort that it’s just in my head. That people don’t actually judge weight. But that’s not true, and I know it

I think the ones who upset me most are the ones who claim that they’re cruel because they care about the persons “health” when it’s utterly clear that it’s bullshit when all they ever do is insult people over their weight

Also the “health” obsession is irritating in it of itself, even if you care about “health” look at like any nutritional influencer and they’ll tell you like almost every food is bad for your health, except for very few. And then you’ll go to the next one and they’ll say even those very few are also bad. It’s why even with my ED I never go for “health” because to me, there’s no point when everything I do will be “wrong” anyways. I’ve even worked with nutritional professionals in the past (LONG TIME AGO) and it’s funny how much they would essentially tell me the last person I saw was completely wrong and to listen to them instead. All it proved to me is they’re unreliable when they can’t even agree so I just focus on cals. Not saying it’s right but honestly, I feel like there’s no winning anyways when it comes to “healthy eating.”

I don’t know. Food isn’t supposed to be some big decision to make, deciding what/when/how to eat isn’t supposed to be hard. Children can do it. Yet for me it’s genuinely ruining my life

I’ve been living alone recently, for me ED wise that’s a massive problem. I was honestly scared of it because I get SI when I don’t eat and I have issues getting myself to eat when I’m alone.

But I actually have been eating. It’s just.. that I’m still restricting which is what it is I guess, that’s expected. But all my safe foods are now.. candy? I’m keeping my cals really low, actually lower than before which is bad, but I’m eating basically nothing but candy. I don’t understand why these are my safe foods now. For most people, it would be their fear foods. I have atypical anorexia but I already saw myself as junkorexic leaning because I eat a lot of junk food but literal just candy is different for me. And I think my body isn’t handling it well. I keep having horrible diarrhea, my stomach hurts so bad, I feel sick (like worse than I do from regular restricting) and I have issues with physically perceiving myself but I think my calves look fucked up right now. They look swollen(?) but in a weird way(?) again I have perception issues so I can’t tell if it’s just in my head but they do also hurt really bad so I don’t think so. But my body hasn’t been doing well so I’m not working out too hard or something

I’m not sure if this is even less bad for me or not. I didn’t anticipate this response from myself. At the same time, I know trying to break me into other safe foods will take a very long time. And honestly, this might be safer than me losing all my safe foods (which honestly may happen soon, I’m feeling so sick that I don’t even want to eat anymore from that alone). I’m so confused. It’s like even I can’t predict my disordered behavior, and that frustrates me because it reminds me I’m not really in control of my ED

I think the reason I eat candy is because it’s small so I don’t feel like I’m overeating and it’s no effort (I will not cook during a relapse). Plus I’m a picky eater with a sweet tooth but in a way, I really am trying my best. Like I got the candy to begin with because part of me was concerned it would be all I’d be willing to eat, and I was right. It’s like I’m trying to take care of myself, but I’m messed up so I’m doing it in a horrible way lol. At least I put in effort to keep me alive even if it is a botched job 😭

I’m not really looking for advice I know it’s just my body throwing a bitch fit (this isn’t RFS) but I just want to vent

I feel like shit. I was trying to eat more to help me longterm. All I’ve been doing is involuntarily vomiting as a consequence to that. I am in so much fucking pain. I hate this. I was trying to do better. Now I’m scared to eat. I was already going to have issues getting myself to eat since I’d be living alone soon, now I’m also physically afraid of the pain of eating. This is going to be a fucking disaster AND now I’m used to purging again. FML. Fuck this disorder. I hate food. I will always hate food. Food is ruining my life. I wish it didn’t exist.

I spent my day vomiting, being in pain, and introducing myself to EMS down the street in case I have to call them since I’ve had a lot of medical issues from this stupid disorder and my dad wanted me to which was embarrassing since I’m an adult but whatever. (I know my dad is just worried and wanted them to get to know me just in case and to give them our codes and stuff in an emergency but still it felt humiliating). This is where I’m at in life I guess

I’m going to be living alone very soon. I know when I do I’m going to get a lot worse. The past few days I’ve been trying to get myself accustomed to eating more so that way hopefully I don’t just start fasting a shit ton when I’m alone. For me, the less I eat the harder it gets to motivate myself to eat. And being alone will make the motivation to eat really low so I was trying to harm reduce by setting what I’m used to eating a little higher before I was alone, even if it wasn’t perfect. I was trying to give me a buffer. But instead all that’s happening is I try to eat a normal meal and start vomiting involuntarily anyways. I know it’s because my body isn’t used to it. But it’s bad because while my ED has become atypical anorexia with restricting as my main issue, I used to be bulimic with purging as my main issue. Vomiting involuntarily usually makes me continue even once I don’t have to anymore because it’s hard for me once I’ve already started to have self control. I’ve been throwing up every day for the past few days. I hadn’t in so long before. My attempt to harm reduce made me worse

I feel like I accidentally made things worse instead of better. Now I’m going to live alone starting Sunday, and now I’m going to be struggling with both purging and restriction. I was just trying to harm reduce to the best of my ability. I guess it backfired anyways. Just sucks a lot. It’s true I wasn’t even aiming for recovery this time, but I really was trying to take care of myself better. Every time I feel like I try to get better it somehow goes wrong. I really wasnt trying to purge, my stomach would just start hurting so bad and then it would happen anyways. But at least for me the biggest purge trigger is vomiting since voluntary or not, physically they feel the same and it did make my pain stop which I feel like reinforced it even more. At least I tried to do better I guess

Also I think what made it worse is while my relapse has been a very long time the past few weeks I’ve gone from my normal to restriction, to eating more, to going back to my normal restriction and then now this. My body is probably confused from all the flip flopping on why my intake keeps changing

Starting Sunday I’m going to live alone. I don’t have friends IRL or anything. I am going to get a visit once a week from my aunt but she taught me most ED behaviors so I’m not going to eat just because she saw me

I lack hunger cues. I have no obligations right now, and I won’t be leaving my house unless I’m going with her or something. I’m really scared because after fasting, I become extremely depressed and have SI thoughts/active plans. I don’t know why but I mentally can’t handle fasting, I don’t know why it causes as much severe SI as it does but it gets really really bad

It’s never been a problem because somebody always interfered before but nobody is going to interfere when I’m alone so please give me advice

It sounds really stupid but one of the main issues is getting the motivation to literally just go to the kitchen. This probably sounds unsanitary to some but basically the only reason I survived the worst of my ED is I just ate in bed and kept a bunch of protein bars in it (in the wrapper). But eventually I’ll stop even doing that if I start going too long between eating times

Oh and also to be honest I stop drinking water as well which is probably the more dangerous issue faster. I’m considering setting alarms to make myself eat, but I’m also not sure if I’ll actually follow them. Especially because the longer I go without food, the less motivated I get to eat and the SI thoughts take over too much for me to care if I live or not

I am considering meal replacement shakes, if anybody has a good idea for those please let me know. But I am allergic to casein so it can’t have that and to be honest I know it seems lazy but I have to be real if I have to mix the powder to be able to drink it I’m just not going to. So it needs to be ready-made (again I know it sounds stupid but I also don’t want to lie and then get really fucked up because I didn’t want to admit the truth)

I feel very guilty about it sometimes. Anybody who has ever been close to me, I have without doubt done it to before. I either just muted myself between it or it was over text so they had no idea. Mostly when the conversation is negative or if I’m anxious, like if I think they’re mad at me or my feelings are hurt. It’s weird but it’s kinda like I used their anger to SH in a way through purging..?

I don’t typically consider my ED a form of SH in a traditional sense but in some ways it kind of is.. it’s to the point where I’ll get really quiet during serious conversations over the phone. Because I’ve muted myself and am busy purging. And they don’t know why I’m so quiet. I guess because who would ever guess that? But it’s because I’m actively purging and sometimes they get mad about the silence. I don’t say what’s really happening of course. I don’t know. I guess I just feel really ashamed of it and I was wondering if I was the only one who does it. It makes me feel like I’m broken sometimes..

I try to stay off of non-ED social media spaces. Ironically, I find them more triggering than ED ones. But I just saw a post from one of the “normal” spaces and it was a person who lost a bunch of weight (from WL meds).. and the comments were MEAN. Like really bad, and had thousands of upvotes so it’s not even uncommon opinions

It makes me really concerned especially since I feel like there’s going to be a massive influx in those with EDs. I’m not against people using WL meds, to be honest I wish I could be on them lmao (I can’t), but I do think since they became popularized that the general public seems.. a lot more comfortable openly being horrible. I’ll be honest, I do feel like “normal” people are always super fatphobic and just pretend to care about “health” to not seem vapid, but how open and cruel people are being about people’s bodies makes me really uncomfortable. I just don’t get it. Genuinely. It’s upsetting because a lot of those people also judge those with EDs, but they participate in things like that which increases disordered behavior

I sincerely don’t understand why people have to be so horrible. Like, even if they think those things they don’t have to be so cruel and say them? I don’t know, I guess it’s clearly a sensitive topic for me so maybe I’m just overreacting but I would NEVER comment in a mean way about somebody’s appearance. This is why I really don’t like to be on that side of social media, it just makes me sad.

I won’t say the show but even recently I started watching bits and pieces of a new show (through YT shorts I hadn’t actually seen the whole thing, I’ve very recently started allowing myself to watch shows/movies again and YT shorts is like part of that), and there was one that was about the main characters not letting another character eat and making jokes about how they hadn’t eaten in a really long time and needed to in order to look good (it was already a thin character but they wanted him to stay thin). And there was even a scene of the main characters slapping away the food from him because they wouldn’t allow him to eat. And I know it’s played for laughs, but it did kinda suck and ruin my enjoyment in the show because it made me dislike the main characters. I feel like EDs just aren’t taken seriously a lot of the time and the focus on WL has just made it worse. I feel like shows hadn’t focused on that so much in more recent times but now that kind of thing is back

I just mean I tend to notice a lot of the same people across subs consistently. I get really happy even if I don’t communicate with them like at all other than random comments here and there when they talk about working towards recovery or struggling, wherever they are in their ED journey

I sometimes wonder how certain people are if they’ve been gone for a while. I don’t know if I’m just weird lmao, but it’s something I pay attention to. Like sometimes I’ll notice the same people being nice and trying to help others consistently and stuff and I just think it reminds while there is bad parts to ED communities (especially on other platforms) a lot of us just don’t want anybody to go through the same thing as us

Perhaps I just sound messed up though and nobody else does that lol

I’m going to be honest this is probably not something everybody would agree with but I’m allowed to feel how I feel without having to defend it

I can’t say I’m just upset at one person. I’m not. I’m mad at everyone. I keep it to myself because I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings but I’m just pissed off. I feel like everybody failed me. I get that I failed myself too and that frustration is also at me, but it’s not just at me

I know we’re supposed to give people a pass when we’re disordered to not be able to handle it.. but I’m upset because I would’ve been able to handle it. And I KNOW that, because I purely have people close to me who are disordered. Everybody else dipped. Yes, it’s painful. I won’t say it isn’t but I’m not like “oh no it’s too much, can’t do it.” My ONLY exception to that is my friends who are actively anti-recovery for ME (as in the ones who told me they’re against ME recovering)

I honestly don’t really care about why people weren’t there for me anymore. In the beginning, I did. I made excuses for it “well it’s just hard for them because x, y and z” or “they weren’t because of x, y and z.” But honestly, I don’t care anymore. I really don’t. It’s something that can kill me. For fucks sake, it is. (I’m not terminal but I can physically feel I can’t handle my ED much longer). There is nothing that beats death in priority. Ever. Like eeeeveer. Unless somebody close to me was terminal or something, it doesn’t matter to me why. “Oh but they couldn’t be because of-“ not interested in excuses on why. I’ve been in my relapse since september 2024, in that entire fucking time nothing could be done? Bullshit. We’re supposed to have support from loved ones to recover. Even if it’s just emotional and them just trying to not be judgmental about the ED. Not people actively making it worse by being cruel. Not ONE person in my personal life in that ENTIRE TIME did shit to help me. Only people who also have EDs I’ve met in ED spaces were there for me, but I don’t blame them because it’s like we have the exact same issue we can’t save each other when we’re literally drowning in the same thing. Even with the best of intentions, there’s a good chance somebody with an active ED that’s the same would probably make it worse

Most of us don’t have anybody outside of ED spaces though. I think it’s why ED groups especially the more toxic ones are so prominent (not saying this is good to be clear! It’s not to be in toxic spaces) because guess where everybody goes when there’s NOBODY? To find at least a place where they feel they feel like they belong. And it makes me so angry when people after the person has passed have their loved ones be like “well we tried, but you know, it’s their own fault” and their definition of “trying” was just being an asshole saying “just recover already” like what the fuck did you think was going to happen? I know we’re supposed to act like “oh poor them” for losing somebody but no. Fuck that. I refuse to feel empathy if they didn’t help. They don’t get to be sad. Having an ED is slow, painful, horrific way to go. Every single fucking day is awful. It takes TIME to end you. The person with the ED suffered, every day. And where the fuck were “the loved ones”? Like I said, I used to feel differently. I used to give it a pass. I recognize now that it doesn’t deserve one. I understand if the loved ones were there and helped with treatment or something, then it’s understandable. But if not and the WHOLE TIME they didn’t do shit? No. Having the ED will always be worse than being the person who watched AND DID NOTHING. Not shit. I won’t extend grace to that, it’s cruel to just let it happen and then to act like they were the ones who went through the hardships

I’ll be rolling in my grave if I hear somebody talking about how “there for me” they were and how they “really tried.” Ultimately, they can lie to themselves, but not to me

Edit: grammar

I want to purge so fucking bad.. I’ve been wanting to do it every day for weeks now. I haven’t been (I’ve just stood by the toilet crying in frustration, listening to the music I do it to to try to make to get it out of my system without doing it, staring at it longingly which probably sounds super weird lmao) but I’m not sure how long I can ignore it. It’s not even when I’ve eaten that’s hardest for me, it’s actually the strongest when I first wake up. Every day when I wake up I just feel like crying and purging. I’m trying so hard to keep myself under control but it’s so difficult for me. I knew my restriction was bad but I thought at the bare minimum I had at least finally stopped purging.

I want to purge so bad right now, I’m actively making this post to try to stop myself but jfc it’s so hard. Nothing else makes me feel better. I just feel so sad, and I want to stop feeling sad. I can try fronting like I’m not depressed all I fucking want but it won’t change that I am. I know it’s dangerous, and I know even if I did I’d feel guilty as fuck and hate myself after. But during it it’s the only time my brain isn’t sad. And I just miss not being sad.

This is so unserious but I just wanted to talk about food dreams. Please share your food dreams so I feel less weird lol

Last night I dreamt about being at some game arena (I have no idea for what, I don’t even watch sports ever), and I for some reason had front stage tickets. Anyways, because it was front stage passes for some reason there was this lady there and she was like “you have to eat if you’re here” and she gave me this huge menu, but everything on it was too scary for me to eat. So I was just like panicking because she was just standing there waiting and was demanding I eat. So I picked the safest thing on the menu ED wise but I was panicking in the dream because I knew I was extremely allergic to it (I was willing to eat the allergen over the other foods 😭) and she brought back to me and was like “well, eat it.” And I was like “oh I’m really not hungry, can I please just watch the game? I’ll eat it later I promise.” And she was like “no, you’re going to eat it right now. And I’m going to watch you. I don’t want you to waste it.” And for some reason that interaction made me so anxious in the dream that I woke up at that part 😭

I’ve had other dreams too about food, sometimes about me being sad watching other people eat but not eating since I don’t know it’s a dream

I had a dream one time where I was eating this new safe food and was so excited because I had checked thoroughly and it was zero cals and tasted good. But then after I ate it the container package changed and said it was such a high amount of calories (I’m pretty sure it’s legitmately impossible for any food to be that high but in my dream it felt real) and I was crying in the dream because I was like “I CAN NEVER FUCKING EAT AGAIN, NOTHING WILL UNDO THIS DAMAGE” I also woke up from that one at that point while dream sobbing 😭😭😭

I don’t know, I have a ridiculous amount of food dreams, it’s weird because during the dream they’re so tense for me. Like it feels so serious in my mind, and then I wake up like “what the fuck 😭”