u/Enough-Context-9265

Does anyone else feel as though they hold some bizarre tension / paradox within them, in regards to age and maturity? When I was a kid I felt as though people my age even would instinctively baby me, like they sensed I was helpless or naive etc. But I also frequently got opposite remarks about my appearance and behavior, that I looked and acted way older than I really am.

Then now as an adult it feels the same, I am in my late 20s and usually work with men in their 40s and 50s who have told me I seem more mature than my actual age, Idk what that is based on though. But I also still feel like some people feel the need to baby me and think I am childish or innocent.

So I don’t know how to explain or make sense of this strange paradox, like I am spiritually and emotionally childish but intellectually old or mature? I don’t know.

I usually feel as though I genuinely have nothing to say, and don't want to interact with others. It's only really a problem at work because I have to approach people and such, and it usually turns into some kind of conversation. But I usually don't have anything to talk about other than the dry, simple exchange of information and announcements. So it becomes awkward when I feel like | just have to slightly rephrase and repeat what they said just to have something to come out of my mouth, other than
"Yeah" "That's right" "Okay" etc. Then when it's time to leave I have nothing to say other than "Okay I'll be going now." Etc. Just an extremely awkward performance. Again it wouldn't be a problem if I could just be left alone but I can't at all. So how to make up things to say, or something? To not out myselt as a detached cold robot?

Does anyone else use / abuse chemicals to cope with symptoms? I find my symptoms to be much more obvious and overbearing when I am stone cold sober, which wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have responsibilities. But having a job that requires me to go out in the world and talk to people and say things is nearly impossible for me, yet there's no way out atm. So I find myself repeatedly turning to chemicals to cope and get through life. By chemicals I mean alcohol, THC and kratom. Not all at once but in alternation. I go sober as long as I can stand until I almost have a breakdown and then return to chemicals for relief / escape. I could be sober forever if only I could be left alone.

Is this something everyone else experiences? I will often be so caught up in my internal abstraction and fantasy whilst performing mundane chores and activities, that I will “snap out of it” briefly and realize I’m doing the wrong thing completely. Putting water in the dogs food bowl. Putting dry cabinet goods into the refrigerator etc. It’s like my body is just a vaguely present automaton, computing mundane performances at a very low level of power, whilst the majority of my power is strongly projected internally. Detached from one another.