r/socialskills

ive been talking with a girl sometimes, and we also sometimes chat a little (im always the one initiating the conversation and its always just like once a month. she reacts to many of my messages with 💖 and shes 2 years older btw. she also told me in person that my pants looked good. i dont want a relationship but i would be open for being friends. what does she mean with 💖. and also shes very very friendly but not asking many questions back. she sometimes writes like a nicee instead of just nice.

thank you

i (M21) have never had anyone in my life i'd consider a fake friend so seeing people vent about it so much has always been a mystery to me. if you don't like someone, or they don't like you how exactly are y'all considered friends?

also, if someone does something disrespectful or inconsiderate shouldn't that be cause to cut them off, confront them or at the very least lower your expectations on what to expect out of your relationship (depending on what they did, or did not do)?

I have really bad problems with silence or not being talked too so I would usually compensate my anxiety with being loud, making jokes, or oversharing details about myself. It’s honestly exhausting after and sometimes I regret what I say, how do I fix it?

This really bothers me. I notice people do not apologize for things, small or big. It drives me insane. How do other people brush this off?

I liked an embarrassing instagram reel. A friend replied to the like saying "girl are you okay". I replied "i didnt mean to like that reel omg😭😭 i might have accidentally". She replied "😭😭😭"

Then after a few mins I replied "but it is relatable." I was so worried that it sounded like I was seeking attention bc at first I said I didnt mean to like and now im saying its relatable. so after 20 mins i delete the message and sent her a funny reel of someone opening a pot that had a pig head inside, to distract her from how i deleted the "but its relatable" message, then I unsent the reel immediately because i thought that made it worse. I'm scared if she saw me sending and unsending those. So I sent "sorry😭😭". I'm always so awkward like this so i avoid messaging or talking to people. Does it sound like im being weird? If so how can I make it better?

At least reach out, I’m not very much of a talker, and a lot of the times I don’t think I have the energy. Like some people have a good personify and it shows by the way they present themselves,

I kind of don’t like that about myself, and I wish I did have that drive or personality. And I don’t think that means I’ll never have friends or anything, I just don’t think I can naturally get them easily

I try using video games to be social, as I would like to make some online friends, but like I said earlier I naturally don’t have a lot to say and speaking is out of my comfort zone, and sometimes comes off as cringe or not natural when I do try

hey so there's this dude who was my classmate back in elementary who unfriended me during highschool for unknown reasons. we were not talking anymore during that time, and we were on good terms. as far as i remember, the last time I saw him was when we walked past each other on a street but we both just ignored each other (I'm scared to say hi to people I'm not that close with when I was a teen lmao unless they said hi first). also we were literally like 10 people on our class and I think I'm the only one he removed as friend 💔

anyways, those events were like almost a decade ago. I stumbled upon his account again and I'm wondering if it's weird to add them again after a very long time? I don't have any plans to talk to him, just that I wanted to see what's up

I never let what other people say about a person influence whether or not I want to be around them, unless they tell me that the person committed heinous crimes or something of that nature.

Sometimes I end up liking people who others can't stand, so it's all opinionated obviously.

TL;DR:

I made a small anti-snobbism framework for becoming easier to talk to. The main idea is simple: stop using taste, knowledge, and “advice” as ways to feel above people.

I call it the Hongdae Thesis. I do not mean Hongdae literally. I mean the stereotype of that one guy who turns every casual conversation into a superiority contest:

“Oh, you like that band? Their old stuff was better.”

“You drink that coffee? Real coffee people don’t.”

“You watch that show? That’s so basic.”

Here are the rules.

1. Stop treating taste like a social credit score.

Someone liking something “basic” does not make them basic. It means they found something that works for them.

Maybe they want comfort. Maybe they want nostalgia. Maybe they had a terrible day and want fried chicken, cheap beer, and a movie that does not require a philosophy degree.

Preference is not a personality defect.

2. Your knowledge is not a knife. Put it down.

Knowing more about music, movies, coffee, fitness, books, games, or anything else should make you more helpful, not more insufferable.

A good expert opens doors.

A gatekeeper stands at the door with a clipboard and ruins the party.

Also, a lot of snobbism is just beginner knowledge wearing a fake mustache.

The person who just discovered “real cinema” suddenly hates superhero movies.

The person who just discovered craft beer suddenly becomes too holy for normal beer.

Actual experts are usually calmer than that.

3. Ask first. Correct later. Maybe never.

When someone shares something they like, do not immediately stomp on it with your opinion.

Bad response:

“Oh, that band? They’re overrated.”

Better response:

“Oh, you like them? What songs got you into them?”

They are sharing a tiny piece of themselves. Try not to hit it with a hammer.

4. Unwanted advice is just being an a-hole with extra steps.

Sometimes people want advice. Sometimes they just want to vent, celebrate, complain, or think out loud.

Jumping in with “Here’s what you should do” can turn a normal conversation into a surprise performance review.

The question I try to ask myself is:

“Do they want advice, or do they want me to listen?”

A shocking amount of the time, the answer is: just listen.

5. Be fun to talk to, not exhausting to impress.

You can dislike something without being a dick about it.

You can have opinions without turning it into a public hearing.

I used to think being sociable meant being witty, interesting, knowledgeable, or charismatic all the time.

Now I think a huge part of it is this:

Do people feel smaller after talking to you, or do they feel more comfortable being themselves?

That is the test.

These rules have helped me become less judgmental, less performative, and hopefully easier to be around.

Hope this helps someone.

I swear I don't rage bait people (at least not intentionally) but I'll just be in the middle of conversation, usually asking a question, and then people just say I'm rage baiting. I think at times I can be a little annoying, but it got to the extent where recently, me and a person I'm only friends with through a mutual connection were talking about WWII, and he got so angry whenever I didnt even realize we had a disagreement. He said he wasn't going to further the conversation because than he'd just be giving me what I wanted. I swear I don't rage bait, I just have conversation.

Why?

I have a few people in my life who do this. They completely turn their head/eyes or body while having a conversation with me. So then i mirror them by looking else where while they are talking. So now its 2 people looking completely different directions while having one convo. It makes me so disinterested and kind of plan my exit.

Am I missing something? Do these people want to be looked at while talking? Do they want me to look away so they can look at me? Do they have anxiety of being seen by me (or anyone)?

And i can hold eye contact but I’m also mixing it up and looking else where too and then coming back for eye contact. I’m not creepily staring into their soul.
And whats more if i do this long enough where I don’t look at them, then they will seek out eye contact. Position their body in my view point or gesture unnecessarily to get my attention back on them.

Anyone have this experience? How can I understand this?

Meanwhile my neighbor (complete stranger) who I met for the first time in 2 years, could hold perfect eye contact.

So there was a girl that I met in the gym a couple months back and we hit it off pretty good texting back and forth and even following each other on social media until I got too intense/excited with one of my text to her which is usually not me because I was listening to a friend and in turn stopped her from texting me altogether. I was going to wait till I see her in person to apologize but seems like she has been coming in the mornings and not at night anymore to the gym. How do I go about this and regain her interest again if possible. I want to at least apologize to her about it through text.

As title says. Id say im socially awkward. I stumble over my words, I say the wrong thing sometimes (like when someone says goodbye and you say thank you type of way), I’m not brilliant at looking at someone for a long period of time when speaking 1 on 1 (I’ll look at there mouth mainly and then maybe when I’m speaking I’ll look off to my side or something) and I feel like slightly awkward when having a social interaction. Like at work I always say sorry if I’m squeezing pass them or mess something up or whatever. I think also before a social interaction that’s new I get quite socially anxious. I guess I just dread it but then once I’m talking I am relaxed but I’m just socially awkward.

I think the biggest thing for me is like thinking of things to say to people which is the main advice I’m looking for. Just making what social interaction I have a bit lengthier. Like I don’t know if it’s just a British thing but if someone asks how your day is it’s literally like
Person 1: “how’s yours day been?”
Person 2: “yeah not bad, what about yours?”
Person 1: “yh fine”

And I guess I want to try and expand that. I will give myself props. I think once someone gives me a nugget of information I do think I can dig deeper and ask lots of questions about the subject matter.

I don’t know what it is though but I’ve actually realised that people genuinely do not ask about you very often if at all. There’s so few people that don’t really try and find out about you other than surface level stuff.

I guess I just want to thrive socially. Have lots of friends especially gain more girl friends just because I do like hanging around with girls in a friendly way like at work sometimes I enjoy talking to my female colleagues more than my male ones. I just want to go in a room and talk to anyone and not necessarily be the life of the party as such but just be able to bounce around a room talking to different people and sort of not seem like the awkward unsure one that just sits in a corner or sticks to 1 person.

Is there anyone that used to be like me that can give me almost life changing life advice whether that’s a book, a video, internal thoughts they have of there own when going into a social situation etc etc…

Thanks

My friends are all incredible. They’re charismatic, they are talented, they are loved, they have good relationships with their families they have tons of friends. And I’m just envious of all of them.

It sucks to always feel jealous of my friends when they succeed, or when they show their skill at something, or when they can casually talk about partners or friends or family and the like. Because its so dirty and gross to feel envy at my friends for just living their lives and being happy.

I dont know, they’re just so incredible, and im just this less than average person. Im not smart like them, im not skilled like them, im not charasmatic like them, i dont have a work ethic like them, i dont have the determination of them, and I don’t have a personality that grabs attention and can make others smile.

I often feel like I dont deserve to be friends with them. I feel like they might realize how much worse I am than them and leave me. They have so much worth and I feel like my presence doesnt change anything in the grand scheme of things.

I just want to know what I can even do here. I just dont want to grow bitter with the people I love. But I always feel like an asshole for feeling jealous.

I need an outside opinion because I’m struggling to make a decision on my own.(i’m 20)

My best friend and I have been best friends for 8 years, but he’s never really been there for me the way I’ve always been there for him. For example, one night at 3am I felt genuinely unsafe because of a man who was acting threatening toward me, and when I told him about it, his only response was “ew.” That’s just one example out of many.

A year ago, we had our first real argument because I told him I was tired of always being there for him while he barely made any effort for me. He’s been obsessed with his ex for 3 years, even though he’s been in a relationship with someone else for a year now, and a lot of the problems with the ex were partly his fault. I’m saying this just to give an idea of his personality and behavior.

Recently, our whole friend group fell apart, so now it’s basically just the two of us. The difference is that I only have him, while he still has me and his boyfriend. A few days ago, we argued again for the exact same reason as last year: I’m exhausted from giving so much while getting almost nothing back.

Whenever he calls, I answer. Whenever he has a problem, I help him and try to find solutions. Whenever he wants to go out, I say yes even if I don’t really feel like it. But he has never done the same for me. He rarely replies to my messages, and when he does, it’s usually very short.

Recently, I asked him to go to a fair with me because I literally have nobody else to see, and we only meet about once a month. He said no because “we might run into our old friends.” To me, it just felt like: if it’s something he doesn’t personally want to do, then the answer is automatically no, even though I would do it for him without hesitation.

I replied, “We can’t stop living our lives because of them,” and he never answered. A few hours later, he sent me a snap talking about meeting his boyfriend’s family like always, everything was about him. This time, I didn’t respond.

And for the first time in 8 years, because I ignored one message about him, he completely stopped contacting me. It’s been a week now with no messages at all, which feels very intentional.

So now I genuinely don’t know what to do. If I decide to cut ties, do I owe him a conversation about it? Honestly, I really don’t want to because I know he won’t stay calm. Part of me wants to just unfollow him and disappear but he’s gonna see it, another part of me wonders if I should just keep waiting and do nothing.

What hurts the most is that he knows something is wrong. He knows he’s my only friend right now, and he knows I’m probably overthinking all of this but he still doesn’t reach out, while he has his boyfriend there to comfort him.

For most of my twenties I operated on a simple principle: don't ask, don't get rejected. Don't apply, don't get turned down. Don't speak up, don't get embarrassed. It felt like self-protection. It was actually just self-sabotage with better PR.

The thing that changed it was a simple rule: once a day, ask for something you expect to be told no to. Do that for 30 days.

What rejection therapy actually is:

It's a form of exposure therapy. The premise is that fear of rejection isn't really about rejection itself - it's about anticipation. Every time you avoid asking, your brain logs it as a near-miss with something dangerous. Avoidance doesn't protect you from fear. It feeds it.

How to structure the 30 days:

Week 1 - low stakes. Ask a barista for a free drink. Ask a restaurant for something off-menu. You're just learning that a no lands softly and ends quickly.

Week 2 - tolerate the pause. That two second window between asking and hearing the answer is where all the anxiety lives. Raise the stakes slightly - ask your landlord for a concession, ask a colleague for honest feedback.

Week 3 - social stakes. Ask your manager for something you've been sitting on. Have a conversation you've been postponing. The dread should be noticeably smaller by now.

Week 4 - the real asks. The job application you've been talking yourself out of. The rate increase you haven't asked for. The first three weeks exist to get you here.

What actually shifts:

People say yes far more than you expect. A significant portion of requests get granted simply because most people are accommodating when asked directly. That alone starts to rewrite your self-image.

The rejection itself is almost never the hard part. Once you've been told no thirty or forty times and nothing bad has followed, the story you've been telling yourself - that you can't handle embarrassment - starts to lose its footing.

One thing that makes this work better:

Keep a log. After each attempt, write two sentences: what you asked, and how you felt an hour later. You're documenting the gap between how catastrophic something felt in anticipation and how minor it felt in hindsight. After two weeks that log becomes the most convincing argument you'll have against your own anxiety.

Thirty days, one ask at a time. The confidence isn't something you find at the end - it accumulates quietly in the middle, until one day you notice the pause doesn't scare you anymore.

Lmk what you think, would love to hear your experience with this!

I'm introverted.

If I'm in a group with a lot of people I don’t know, I will take a while to warm up. I'm naturally a really chatty person if comfortable but, I become more reserved in new situations.

I've had people (especially people older than me) say in my face and behind my back that I should smile more, talk more, be more…
It bothers me a lot because I am polite and respectful as much as I can, I just can’t force myself to be fake (I just don’t have the energy for it) and I also don’t ask anyone to tone it down because they are too much (I don’t think it’s my place to do so).

This said, I don’t think I should change. I’m closed off, I don’t deny that (and I will say I need to work on it) but, I don’t trust easily (shaped past experiences and my overall personality) and I take my time to feel comfortable to be myself in most settings.

What is your opinion?

I’ve been trying to work on emotional maturity after years of dealing with depression, trust issues, abandonment problems, and constantly feeling like people eventually leave or disappoint me. I’ve already been to therapy, and it helped me understand why I feel this way, but I still feel stuck trying to actually move forward in real life and relationships.
What I’m curious about is the unconventional or unexpected things people did that genuinely helped them grow emotionally. Not just the standard “go to therapy” advice — I mean the weird, random, difficult, or life-changing things that made something finally click for you. Thanks

My whole life I felt I was pretty talkative and outgoing but me and my family moved states recently and I’ve been here for like 6 months and I feel like I’ve become a full shut in. When I’m in passing with strangers I feel pretty social but I just can’t seem to find anyone to become close with. My friends from my old state have visited/planning on visiting and they ask me how I’ve gotten along here and they expect me to have a bunch of friends already but damn I didn’t expect it to be this hard again lmao. For context I’m a 20 year old male in college but even then I didn’t make any friends this semester

I met some friends after a while and they were saying that you need to improve on the topics that you discuss and how to say it

They Said that I sound like a boring old person even though I am 19 years old

I don't know how to sound cool and person that people want to hangout with.

I think my main problem is that when I don't know what to say , i just revert to boring topics like studies, also i don't do a lot of things that people talk about like relationships.