r/socialskills

So I was playing a game of chess with a good friend of mine who I’ve known for years. Part of our dynamic is that we do tease each other here and there, but it’s all friendly, just guys being guys. We were playing chess, and I forfeited the match about 3 moves away from a checkmate. He got annoyed and claimed it was bad sportsmanship even though I politely pointed out that I was bested. Now I was upset that I lost, but I was not trying to prevent the win. If anything, I view it as the same thing as winning normally because I’ve made the decision to throw in the towel. He said that I was trying to spite him and that grandmasters usually quit early on when they know that they have faced defeat, and he said I had plenty of time to forfeit but choosing to do it then shows bad sportsmanship and pettiness. He had won the two previous games we played, and I had asked for my time on this match to which he had reluctantly agreed. After the match, he then made fun of me for losing and claimed I was just mad that I lost. We debated for a bit about it. I claimed he was just saying this because he didn’t checkmate me and conclusively win the way he wanted. He then just kept mocking me, and was showing the match to a friend of his to make fun of me (we were on the phone)
I guess my question is whether or not it was bad sportsmanship, and what I can do to avoid this situation in the future. How do I let the person know that I respect them and their skill after losing, while still maintaining self respect, when the person is better and is more than happy to remind you that they are?

How can I improve my mindset and view people in a generally positive light?

I’ve gone through a very rough few years, have made my own social faux pas and am really making active efforts to learn to be better, but have also experienced some really negative experiences at the hand of my peers. I’m now very anxious and scared of people, and a large part of the issue is that I’m paranoid that people are secretly very mean or manipulative (I understand that this is a trauma response). I’ve learned the hard way that many people (not all) don’t approach others with the *authentic* kindness that I feel I embody (i.e people being “nice” to my face and fucking cruel behind my back). Over the past few years, I’ve become extremely averse to negative gossip (towards anyone about anything that is inconsequential). It makes my skin crawl and makes me question people’s intentions, but I know this is kind of a natural part of socializing for many people.

Sociological question: Why is meanness and judgement towards those we don’t understand the default, rather than empathy and kindness? In my mind it’s just as easy to be mean as it is kind and vice versa, but the default seems to be the former. Is this even true or am i just jaded?

Seeking advice: How can I change my view of the average person to be more positive, and that people are truly good?I feel this would be helpful in making friends and maintaining a generally positive mindset, but I truly struggle to believe it. I’m also GenZ and feel very disconnected from my generation; I’m not on socials, don’t like and am not good at texting, am not great at small talk, and didn’t consume the same media content as my peers growing up. Im still learning to improve as a friend but am genuinely kind and well-intentioned but it’s difficult for me to believe that others are the same way. Help!

ETA idk if it matters but im in the US

I noticed a theme at work and that’s that upper management can really get the ball moving when something needs to get done.

I don’t think it’s just a matter of title. I think many of them got there because they were able to get people to do as they’re asked.

This is a skill that confuses me.

When I ask people to do something that needs to get done, I get ignored or people take too long.

How do people “work behind the scenes” to get things done and not burn bridges while doing so? These people must be great at building connections.

Please don’t give any generic advice like out of a self-help book. I mean advice that’s specific and can be executed and replicated to achieve success

If you want the quick version: I am a genuinely, quiet, shy, trustworthy person. Probably to a fault. Yet, I am always treated like I'm untrustworthy.

Long version: I am a 37m and I struggle with loneliness. It used to make me ponder death regularly, but now I mostly try to avoid thinking about the "feeling of loneliness" and just Continue to try to make connections with people.

I have decided that I am a socially awkward extrovert that regularly gets mislabeled as an introvert for having unusual hobbies. I recognize that I can be off putting to some people because I lack some socializing that would have been valuable in my youth (i was homeschooled by churchy parents).

I am divorced for about 2 years now, after trying with my ex for about 10 years. She had many mental health problems, and this resulted in her having trust issues with me, which meant I was also at 200% alertness trying to show I was safe and trustworthy, and years of being berated by her and accused of things I wasn't doing has left me with some ptsd and a sensitivity to not being trusted. (My point being that I am hyper aware of something that others probably dont think about)

In most social situations, everyone (sometimes as a group) treats me like I am lying. I am a pretty vulnerable and open about my thoughts and feelings. I am generally viewed as a funny person, but I am at most joking 20% of the time, and most of my ​jokes aren't related to trustworthiness (more goofy word play). I will say something like "I can handle that task" at work, and people will treat me like I am not following through with other tasks, which is very untrue. An over sensitive reaction I have is when I say something like "Id dress up for your party" and people will say "no you wouldn't" and treat me like "I'll believe it when I see it". But where it REALLY HURTS is when I saying something related to my feelings like "I dont mind", or "Im not mad" or "I really appreciate that, thank you" and people will proceed to tell me that I am not feeling thay, and then tell me what Im supposedly actually feeling.

When I say EVERYONE does this, I mean I cant think of an exception. These are people I consider closest to me ij my life. Does anyone have a guess of what I could be doing wrong?

Idk how to approach this. I haven’t had trouble making friends ever in my life but I’m worried college is gonna be rly hard. I can’t explain why I’m just scared and worried abt starting college bc I’m leaving all the things that were familiar to me. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? Or what to do to try and meet people? Or first day things to do?

So, I wouldnt call my self a sensitive person. I have been insulted countless times but I did not let it get to me however, anytime someone yells at me, I cant control my tears. Not because I get upset or scared, but its like who tf are you to raise your voice at me.

A very embarrasing incident happened today. I went to my teacher because I was having difficulty with something. My teacher started yelling at me and one thing about her is that she takes everything any one says or does as a personal attack. I said something along the lines of "I need help i deserve it" she screamed at me and says "WELL I DESERVE SOME RESPECT TOO ALL OF YOUR CLASSMATES NEVER LISTEN TO ANYTHING I SAY" yada yada. She even insulted me calling me irresponsible etc. I did make a mistake of not going to her earlier because I wanted to figure it out myself but I did go to her before the deadline so technically im not in the wrong here.

Unfortunately tears started rolling down my face out of anger that was very uncalled for. How do I stop doing this because in some situations you really cannot let people see your vulnerable side.

NOT A VENT BTW just explaining

people say I'm annoying when I talk online, and I genuinely don't know how to not be. anything is fine, tips you've used, tips you've given before, anything.

How would you describe the way you think about people and being social?

I figure that people who have the easiest time with people have a great positive mindset concerning themselves and others.

So, basically my relationship with my sister has always been quite toxic. I've always been a people-pleaser and generally have had trouble saying "no" without an explanation (like a technical excuse why I'm not able to do the favor). My sister, on the other hand, has always been manipulative, lazy and basically trying to outsource everyone around her to be able to do the bare minimum and get away with it. She's also been quite aggressive in her manipulations, reaching even for emotional blackmail etc. She's almost 30, doesn't study and doesn't have a job. Our family sees the problem, but generally my parents try to keep up appearance of a well-adjusted family, so we don't really talk about it. My sister may suspect what I think of her, but I've never told her that straight to her face and she seems to profit off of the fact that we pretend everything is ok.

She has recently found herself a new boyfriend who happens to live in the same direction which I frequently drive on the weekends. She generally avoids public transport - my guess is that it's just easier for her to say that she's scared of public transport and have somebody else drive her, than actually use public transport and pay for it herself.

So she started asking me to give her a lift to about half-way to where her boyfriend lives and then her boyfriend will pick her up from there. The clue is, due to the dynamic of our relationship, I usually tend to avoid her if I can (except family gatherings etc.) and I am definetly not seeing myself taking her with me every other weekend after a work week. How do I deny giving her a lift, when <theoretically> there are no real excuses (like I don't have to go off my usual course, so it technically costs me no additional mileage etc.).

Starting university and want to take life seriously so that I don't regret later on.

When I have something in mind I want to say, but people are talking, I wait until they are done so I can voice my thoughts. The problem is that either this moment never seems to come, or someone else immediately jumps in and takes my spot. I feel disconnected from the conversation because of this. I have no issue listening to what other people are actually talking about-that's oftentimes all I'll end up doing-but it's really hard to be engaged when I seem to be incapable of making myself be seen. How can I begin correcting this?

I was trying hard to be nice and helpful in my new position. I ended up becoming a doormat. Now I have a group of women who take great pleasure in bullying me every shift.

HR is not an option. So now I am back to job hunting.

I need to figure out how to not become a punching bag at work.

What is the way to handle this? Do I get angry and insult back? Do I stay quiet and try to ignore what was said?

I don't want to come across as a coward, but I also don't want to come across as someone who can't control his emotions. Neither seems right, so there must be a balanced way.

So I've been invited to a long time friend's birthday party. The thing is I don't know anyone else other than her and I fear I'd be awkward, lonely or possibly weird.

I've been to her other birthday parties previously and this happened everytime. I've tried to socialise with her other friends but I guess they're just not interested.

I can't expect my friend to stay with me and give me company since she'd be busy. I can't say no either cuz her mom begged me to come as well.

I'm not very good at parties either.

Is there any way I can make it a positive experience? I know it's not as serious as other posts but I'd still like to hear your side.

*just a note that I’m not trying to be comfortable in being like, a bigot or anything, because I know a lot of posts of that nature tend to sound like this*

I get very anxious about whether my opinions or beliefs are in line with everyone else. If I find that my train of thought differs from everyone else around me, I get very nervous and assume there must be something wrong with me.

It’s as though I need permission in order for my thoughts to be valid.

I know of nobody else that struggles with this, so that has made me even more concerned.

How can I be more comfortable with being comfortable with my own thoughts?

And how do people normally deal with situations where they are the odd one out in terms of thinking?

I'm relatively new to posting on Reddit (female, 60s, recently retired). Overall, I consider myself a reasonable person who values treating others well, but a few of my recent posts have drawn surprisingly harsh or overly critical reactions.

​In one instance, I asked for perspective on hosting out-of-town family, and a few commenters assumed the absolute worst about my intentions, leaving me feeling pretty attacked despite doing my best to be a gracious host. In another post about a local issue (lawn damage caused by a neighbor's service), several people suggested I shouldn't even address the property damage, which left me confused about standard norms here.

​I deleted my previous post because the negativity was overwhelming, but I’m genuinely curious about how others navigate this platform.

​Question for the Community:

How do you separate helpful, constructive feedback from unnecessary negativity on Reddit? Is it common for commenters to assume bad intentions, and what strategies do you use to protect your mental peace when posting here?

Hi all. I'm 35M based in NZ. I consider myself pretty charismatic, able to make connections quickly and am regularly told I make people feel comfortable. I get that vibe from my social interactions as well.

So in an attempt to get to know the people I meet better, I sometimes reach out to people after via social media to say hi. The response is usually positive, sometimes with a bit of back and forth, until the point where I ask to hang out doing some activity and get radio silence.

Honestly it's nothing major, it's usually along the lines of "Hey let's hang out some time!" And just get no response, this is regular for me and it's crushing my confidence.

Is anyone able to explain this to me? Do you do it or experience the same thing? Is asking to hang out inappropriate? I'm really trying to understand where Im going wrong here.

I am poor, old, disabled, unemployed ,very isolated, very opinionated and strongly disagree with almost everyone I know on almost every single subject. I've struggled with communicating, making friends, finding jobs, and expressing myself my entire life. I feel misunderstood by every single person I know which is making me pretty miserable since I don't have a single person I see eye to eye with. I'm not stupid (but not a rocket scientist either) but apparently everything I believe, say or do is wrong. I have no friends and I don't get along with my husband, parents or siblings either. I am very very angry and it's taking a toll on my health (which isn't great to begin with). What can I do to better explain my thoughts and feelings without alienating the people I care about, convince them to discuss difficult subjects with me (instead of just shutting down the conversation altogether) and be more accepting of people who have a totally opposite worldview than I have?

I don't like greeting anyone and when i get the nod from other men and even women i just ignore it, sometimes even when driving, how am i perceived? and how can i become more sociable? I simply hate people :(

I don't have any idea for what I would do to get friends nowadays? I can't really find much in the way of meetups and those are usually once a week and usually too far or at the wrong time for me to go to them too. I don't think something like that is going to go anywhere? High school clubs and stuff like that were also once a week but it always felt like when I wasn't there nobody ever cared that I wasn't there and nothing ever happened where they want to have anything to do with me outside of that very specific 1 or 2 hour period per week.

I don't know where I would go outside of meetups either, there's basically nothing in the way of places where people want random strangers talking to them so trying to get anywhere with them is impossible.

I've read somewhere that people only care about what value you have to them, but I have no value to other people at all? I'm not funny and don't have productive things to say, I'm not uplifting, insightful, interesting or any other possible positive quality a person could have and so there is just no reason for people to interact with me at all and I have no idea how to fix that? I've also heard that I actually have to be an above average person or else they will just immediately cut me out for that average person instead always?

I know the likely problem is that I have bad interests but I don't know how to force myself to like better and more interesting things? I don't think fake enthusiasm for other people's interests is going to go anywhere but if they're talking about something I'm not interested in then I have nothing to say to them? It's not really productive to just agree with them or repeat things they say but I don't really have any insightful opinions to talk about either, especially if they're talking about something I don't care about. It's probably a sign of extreme selfishness that I don't care but I don't know how to force myself to have those emotions to care about everything?