u/Emotional-Chemist462

If you want the quick version: I am a genuinely, quiet, shy, trustworthy person. Probably to a fault. Yet, I am always treated like I'm untrustworthy.

Long version: I am a 37m and I struggle with loneliness. It used to make me ponder death regularly, but now I mostly try to avoid thinking about the "feeling of loneliness" and just Continue to try to make connections with people.

I have decided that I am a socially awkward extrovert that regularly gets mislabeled as an introvert for having unusual hobbies. I recognize that I can be off putting to some people because I lack some socializing that would have been valuable in my youth (i was homeschooled by churchy parents).

I am divorced for about 2 years now, after trying with my ex for about 10 years. She had many mental health problems, and this resulted in her having trust issues with me, which meant I was also at 200% alertness trying to show I was safe and trustworthy, and years of being berated by her and accused of things I wasn't doing has left me with some ptsd and a sensitivity to not being trusted. (My point being that I am hyper aware of something that others probably dont think about)

In most social situations, everyone (sometimes as a group) treats me like I am lying. I am a pretty vulnerable and open about my thoughts and feelings. I am generally viewed as a funny person, but I am at most joking 20% of the time, and most of my ​jokes aren't related to trustworthiness (more goofy word play). I will say something like "I can handle that task" at work, and people will treat me like I am not following through with other tasks, which is very untrue. An over sensitive reaction I have is when I say something like "Id dress up for your party" and people will say "no you wouldn't" and treat me like "I'll believe it when I see it". But where it REALLY HURTS is when I saying something related to my feelings like "I dont mind", or "Im not mad" or "I really appreciate that, thank you" and people will proceed to tell me that I am not feeling thay, and then tell me what Im supposedly actually feeling.

When I say EVERYONE does this, I mean I cant think of an exception. These are people I consider closest to me ij my life. Does anyone have a guess of what I could be doing wrong?

I am in a lonely place in life, both tonight and the last few years.

As a disclaimer, I am not looking for someone to talk me off the ledge, and I am proactive about managing my depression. I am open with people, I have a therapist, I take Wellbutrin. Honestly, I am just wondering if people feel as stuck as I do.

I moved into my car last November. It was kind of by choice. I was living paycheck to paycheck, and I am good at being a survivor and sleeping anywhere. I started a new job in November as well, and I don't believe anyone knows. I shower everyday, and I dress nicer than most others. At work, only one person knows. I enjoy having more money, but I also had no other choice.

I have always been isolated. My parents were abusive in a way that made it hard for my sisters and I to stay close. They don't like to chat on the phone. I have other family that cares about me as a person. I have friends, but I feel like I get invited to maybe one third of the stuff the other people do. (I could go on but I don't want to whine).

On nights like this, I try to entertain myself. I have been proof reading a book for someone and I have been learning game development. But I look around and see random people with their friends, and families and couples laughing and having fun, walking in and out of restaurants. Or all climing out of a van in swim wear. I want so desperately to either be passionately loved and missed, or fraternally and unconditionally supported. I've had too many days where I needed someone to actually talk me off a ledge, and literally no one replies. I've learned to talk myself down.

So this is me, toughing it out. Getting through another day secretly living in my car. (I miss the cats I rehomed) I'm Wondering what the point is. Trying to think of a way to build a family around me.. but honestly, just trying to distract from the reality that I have tried everything. I'm out of hope. I hate to say this, but I hope someone else out there can understand what this is like. Just me, in a car, shouting into the void. True, literal loneliness.

I'm sorry if this was a downer. It honestly wasn't my goal. I wish you all the best of luck out there.

If I'm honest, I am mostly looking for a woman's advice on this, but a balanced male opinion could be valuable. Please no suggestions for that are just sexually driven.

To cut to the chase, I M37 have been divorce for about 2 years and and single the whole time. To be brief, Im kind of emotionally fragile and lacking a lot of self worth. This has resulted in the idea of dating to be kind of scary. I have sensed interest from women, but not in a clear and direct way.

Cut to the last few weeks. A girl at work that had always been nice started giving clear hints that she's interested in me (I genuinely dont know to what end). She is genuinely beautiful, out of my league in my opinion, but she's probably an 8/9 and im probably a 7ish.

I could tell there was an age gap, but based on maturity, whit and her​ interests (Millenial type music, movies and politics), I was thinking she was like 26, which is a gap but not too bad. Today she hinted pretty heavily that I should join her to the lake this weekend, and I am tempted to make it happen. But the age thing was bugging a little, so I googled her. SHES 21! 😐 I enjoy her company, and I'm not a "hook up guy" so that's not my concern.

Basically I'm torn because normally I would never be attracted to someone if I knew that gap existed, but I feel almost like my "dont be a creep" security system was circumvented. One part of me wants to be an older brother figure and say "get better taste in men!" But I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the conversations or that I found her attractive. What do I do?

A some what selfish part of me keeps whuspering to me "well if she wants to pursue older guys, at least I'm a safe-ish person to learn that on" but another part of me wonders if Im blinded by my own emotions fragility. Please help fast, Im very lost and gears are in motion.

Edit: Its a little unusual to me that people are actively down voting this. I posted it knowing that its a taboo and looking for feedback. I haven't shut down anyone saying theyre against it. I didn't choose this situation, and I am conflicted. Im sure there other communities out there where people would suggest I hook up with her and move on, but I would never be like that to anyone, but especially not someone in the power dynamic. Vote as you wish I guess. but if I am having this experience then someone else out there is too, and down voting just hides this.