u/IHatePeople79

*just a note that I’m not trying to be comfortable in being like, a bigot or anything, because I know a lot of posts of that nature tend to sound like this*

I get very anxious about whether my opinions or beliefs are in line with everyone else. If I find that my train of thought differs from everyone else around me, I get very nervous and assume there must be something wrong with me.

It’s as though I need permission in order for my thoughts to be valid.

I know of nobody else that struggles with this, so that has made me even more concerned.

How can I be more comfortable with being comfortable with my own thoughts?

And how do people normally deal with situations where they are the odd one out in terms of thinking?

If you don’t get the map on the first run through, and come back after you’ve defeated the boss.

TIL I guess.

Seriously screw that dude all of the way for hurting me just trying to get down.

And he has the gall to give me attitude when I throw a bomb at him?

I didn’t see him in the ending dance party, so there is hope.

I’m mainly curious to see an outside perspective about this. I have tried asking my parents about this but they don’t really have a clue. Not that they are very well in terms of mental health.

Whenever I get into a negative interaction with someone (or something similar), my mind will replay the interaction constantly, making me extremely tense and nervous each time that happens. If the interaction involves a certain topic or opinion, than my first instinct is to give up whatever position I hold and adopt the other person’s position, just to stop the anxiety.

I know this isn’t how “normal” people react to stuff like this, because I’ve asked other people about this who don’t suffer from anxiety.

So I’m curious as to how people normally cope with things such as this.

What types of strategies are used to cut down on validation seeking, especially with decision making?

A couple of examples.

\-You watch a movie or tv show, but you can’t decide if it’s good or not without seeing what other people think about it.

Or if you do have an opinion about it, you don’t think it’s valid or okay to hold it if someone else doesn’t also share that opinion.

\-You conduct research/read about something on a less trivial level than the above example (like about politics, society, religion or whatever).

Similar situation as above, you can’t (feel comfortable) holding any opinion or position without someone else confirming or validating it.

The important thing is that you don’t feel comfortable forming a belief of opinion by yourself just for the sake of it, it must be validated by someone else.

AITA I went to 7/11 yesterday. When I get there I saw what I truly thought to be a homeless man crouching by the trash bin talking to himself. When I went inside I bought three bananas to give him, cuz bananas are cheap but nutritious. When I came outside and tried to give him the bananas, he threatened me. Turns out, he was not homeless and is offended presumably because he thought I was being racist. I can’t help but feel like I failed in the moment, but I didn’t explain myself and just backed away carefully after he got aggressive with me. Am I the asshole? Should I have explained myself? It feels like it would have made things worse to say I bought them for you because I thought you were homeless.

About three years ago, after my father passed away, my mother gifted my sister and me $10,000 each as Christmas gifts. Because my husband and I were living separately at the time, I asked my sister to hold my $10,000 temporarily.

To accomplish this, my mother gave my sister $10,000 and paid $10,000 directly toward my nephew's college tuition. My sister was then supposed to give me the $10,000 she had originally set aside for my nephew's tuition.

Recently, after my husband and I reconciled, I asked my sister for my $10,000. She told me she had returned it to my mother. I questioned this because neither my mother nor my sister had ever informed me the money had been returned, and it did not appear consistent with the original arrangement.

When I asked my sister for details about the transactions, she did not answer my questions. Instead, she contacted my mother, who then sent me another $10,000 and asked me not to pursue the matter further.

I continued asking my sister for clarification, but she did not respond. My mother later called and told me to stop discussing the issue with my sister. My sister also told me I had crossed a line and ended our relationship.

My primary concern is not my relationship with my sister, but whether I was wrong for asking questions about what happened instead of remaining silent to preserve family peace.

My girlfriend and I are going to a festival in a couple of weeks. It’s not really my thing but she enjoys it so I agreed to go with her. The festival has a cinema tent and it’s showing some good movies so I thought it would be good to check one out, 

I suggested one and she refused as it was at the same time as an act she wanted to see. I suggested she goes to the act and I go to watch the film but she said she doesn’t want that. 

I suggested another film but she said it was too late as we need to drive back to our room and the movie wouldn’t finish until 1am. I pointed out she needs to compromise somewhere and that the full weekend isn’t just about her. 

She said it was a music festival so I should be focused on the music but I reminded her it was just her who enjoyed the music, I was only going for her so she should be willing to compromise with me. 

She refused and said I shouldn’t be leaving her alone while I go and watch a movie but I told her she’s free to join me. 

AITA for watching a movie at the festival?

Fair warning, this is probably going to come across as extremely cringeworthy and embarrassing.

Yes, I know the irony of me posting this right now.

For many reasons that I will not go into detail about, I am extremely insecure about my sense of self, and by extension, worldview. Whether it’s regarding politics, religion, or even just trivial bullshit, I feel like I can not be comfortable holding an opinion or viewpoint without someone else confirming that it is okay for me to do so.

An example of this would be me taking screenshots of Reddit threads filled with comments that I disagree with and posting them to different subreddits; because even though I knew that I disagreed with them, I still needed confirmation before I could feel it acceptable to feel that way.

This issue isn’t only an online one, I struggle with this in IRL also.

It’s to the point where I am amazed that someone is able to hold on to an opinion or position without having it confirmed by someone else, especially after disagreements (this issue pops up in these instances very often).

I’m not sure what to do anymore, because this issue isn’t pathetic, but at the same time I feel like I’m always on edge because of this.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/news/s/gC9In4ntjv

There was a case in China where some boys in China were caught killing a mother dog and its puppy. Predictably this sparked outrage.

Especially among this person, who we’ll refer to as outraged person: https://www.reddit.com/r/news/s/NVum6zu0WH

Someone adds in an anthropological theory that states that early humans used violence to get rid of anti-social behavior among their group: https://www.reddit.com/r/news/s/XHWlluw073

Another person defends the outraged person: https://www.reddit.com/r/news/s/dOqILIIRUY

Someone dares to criticize the outraged person for being a bit gleeful about violence, and gets accused of being pro-pedophile: https://www.reddit.com/r/news/s/bri3sKptih

A couple of others also disagree with them:

https://www.reddit.com/r/news/s/KUq6LlPoEz

https://www.reddit.com/r/news/s/4dkzalaoM5

The outraged person gets posted on r/iamverybadass because of the content of their comment, but the comments seem to take the side of that person: https://www.reddit.com/r/iamverybadass/s/HxGpRsO8PL

Hello! First time posting here. I need to clarify something before we get started. I have an eating disorder called ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder). I have been diagnosed since I was 25 and it continues to affect my eating habits. I am slowly improving, though it’s a two steps forward one step back process.

So, I have been sober from drug abuse for 10 years now. I wanted to celebrate this milestone but didn’t really know how to. There’s a lot of stuff I want to do but I have really bad choice paralysis. My girlfriend had an idea and it was a day out ending with her making me dinner. I was a little bit hesitant about the dinner part and tried to bargain with her but she insisted. For context, I like to cook my own food because of the aforementioned ED. She knows this but we’ll get into it later.

The day was fantastic, I loved it. That wasn't the issue though, the issue arose when she made me dinner. We had talked about what would be made beforehand and we settled on one of my comfort foods. A nice chicken noodle stew. I usually get a can of the gravy I like and home-make everything else. My girlfriend, however, decided to try and make the gravy from scratch. She found a recipe for the stew, not just the gravy, and wanted to show me it but I told her, “I can’t know what’s in something, if it contains any unsafe ingredient/food I will not eat it, so I need to taste it without knowing.” Which she respected.

After dinner was made, we sat down at the table. I thought the stew would be something that was safe, something I would enjoy considering we’ve been together for 10 years now and she knows most, if not all of the foods that are unsafe for me. What she neglected to tell us is that a big ingredient for this stew was peas. I abhor peas because of their mushy texture. I like my stew with carrots and celery. This had both of those with the addition of peas.
Me: Hey, I know you put a lot of effort into this but I can’t eat it.
Her: Why not?
Me: It has peas in it. I don’t like peas.
Her: Then just take them out.

For anyone here who has ARFID, you’d know it’s not as simple as just taking out the unsafe food. To put it as best I can, it’s like someone coated the peas in cyanide. I can take them out, but now the rest of the food has cyanide in/on it. My brain will not allow me to eat anything that contains or has come into contact with the unsafe food.

I continued by telling her it isn’t that simple and she got frustrated and called me difficult. I tried to explain to her about my ED and she said something along the lines of, “You’re just picky, get over it.” Which really hurt. I sat up from the table, and went to my room (We have separate rooms as she has issues with touch). I didn’t say anything else. I can’t help but feel like I was rude to her. After all, she treated me so nicely the entire day. Was I too rude? Did I overreact?

Edit: For some clarification, I have sent her a list of unsafe foods. But that was when we first got together. I guess I thought she kept it in mind. I also realize my mistake of not looking at the ingredients list and instead insisting she kept it secret.

I bought groceries for the house, and after I loaded them into the car, I mentioned that I hope no one snacks on the sandwich ingredients. My reasoning is I often come to find that we have a surplus of bread but no sandwich ingredients. It's annoying because I like to have one for lunchtime. For what it's worth I also bought her saltine crackers, because I know she likes to snack on those.

1 day later, we are going to cook dinner together, but she grabs peppered salami and cheese from the fridge. In good faith I assumed she would make a sandwich for herself considering what I said in the car a day ago, but I see her leaving the kitchen while I am starting the stove. So I ask her to "please don't snack on them, or make a sandwich."

She asks me where the tortilla chips are in response, re-entering the kitchen with her plate, which was a sizable portion for maybe 1 and a half sandwiches (I forgot how much cheese there was).

I direct her to the chips but ask her again, louder because I know my voice is quiet: "I asked you guys not to snack on those, make a sandwich please."

I reach for her plate, planning to offer to make one for her, but she dodges me, and I ask, she replies, saying: "I'm making a moving¹ sandwich." She sat on the couch.

I was getting annoyed at being ignored and joked at, so I finally asked more sternly, "Mom..."

"What?"

"Can you make a sandwich?"

I think she mumbled something, but she might as well ignored me because she did not get up to make one. She was focused on either her tiktok or watching the tv. Or both. She asked if I was watching what was on. I was petty and said yes I am watching it.

For me, I can't do anything if she insists on snacking, so I opted for a silent, even exchange. This is because asking to change the tv show is also a favor. I believe in the golden rule. Ultimately, I live under her roof, so it is her rules, but she's the one who asked.

After a bit she noticed I wasn't watching: "You're not watching this!" (playful tone)

"And you didn't make a sandwich." (sarcastic tone)

She says a few things in protest, but I responded again saying "I asked you guys not to snack on that because it's for making sandwiches."

She gets up telling me "you guys² are so mean" and stomps to her room while tearing up.

───

Immediately following, she texts the gc:

Mom: Why are you both even here you don't like me please leave nobody is asking you to stay here

Mom: Not one of you is going to tell me what I can and cannot do in my own house that I pay every single bill for I don't care what it is

I texted back:

Me: all I asked was for you to make a sandwich it is not that scary to do a favor to NOT snack on ingredients that I literally bought for you to make food with ???

Me: you arent omnipotent stop acting like it, respect goes both ways and u can't act like you're being attacked because you do the same³

Me: please I am asking you to think rationally and not with feelings. no one here hates you, you are just stuck in a loop of confirmation bias⁴

Me: there is no reason to make this a power issue

In between, I go to apologize, but her door is locked, so I text again. It stays locked because she is off work, I don't know when she goes out.

Me: I made you food (I made Italian sausage alfredo pasta)

───

2 days later, she pops into my room and tells me to move all of the groceries I bought into the second fridge in the garage. I oblige, but first I take my dog outside to pee then back into my room, and she comes by again and starts an argument:

"Tell your friends if they have ever told their mom to make a sandwich"

And something along the lines of "ask your friends if they have ever disrespected your mom like that, make a poll." She stumbled quite a bit so it is hard to know exactly how she was saying it.

She looked upset and made eye contact while saying this, which immediately turned me defensive. I tell her "I didn't TELL you too, I ASKED you, you ignored me." I then explained my reasoning, the same I wrote above earlier. She denies and insists that it was disrespectful and I should never tell her what to do.

There is a back and forth of this until she puts her pointed hand towards me. I instinctively pushed it aside. I hate being touched so I overreacted. (She did not touch me) This caused her to react too, "If you ever put your hands on me like that I will get you put in jail." I am in disbelief and at this point the argument is pretty heated, so I take a few steps back and continue arguing,

"Alright well, sorry, I'm telling you, you are talking over me and I'm trying to tell you that's not what I was meaning to say, you are misunderstanding me."

"Now I'm stupid?"

"I didn't say that. I'm trying to tell you what I meant and you are twisting it. I had a reason and I told you and asked nicely."

She is yelling louder so it is hard to remember exactly, but I know exact sentence fragments: "you're gaslighting me" and "I know what happened" and "you can't manipulate me."

"I asked, and you ignored me. You are twisting the narrative to make me into some evil person."

She says she's done because of the gaslighting and slams her door. I open it and continue to try and talk, telling her that she's "a wall none of us can talk to because you've decided what is and you're always right" but she tells me again that she is done and to "tell your friends, make a poll if you think you're so right."

───

I know the way I dealt with this is sub-par, but I honestly feel I was not disrespectful in asking her to make herself a sandwich/to not snack on ingredients.

I'm someone who sees the practical side of things first, so there is a lot of miscommunication because she is the opposite. I feel that I made myself very clear in my intentions but she seems to think I was disrespectful in every manner of the sort. I think she feels I am talking down to her, but I am simply explaining myself through my intentions/reasoning. I don't know how else I should express my feelings or the argument other than fact. There seems to be a difference in what happened vs. what she feels happened. It is frustrating because it's something I can see but not understand because I am not her.

I asked her if she wants to add or change anything to this story, but she declined and also has not read it. When I said I can get her a poll she said "That's all I want," so I'm hoping the input can at least resolve this and get her to start thinking about reconciling my sister (F21) as well.

I know that leaves some context out, but I think it isn't necessary to talk about in detail, since their arguments are similar to this. Just a lot of escalation since they both get very emotional. Also the post would be much longer. Additionally I want advice mainly for this situation, since she wanted a poll for that.

I can't really "make a poll" so I guess the advice I am seeking is how to be more emotionally mature/compatible with my mother so we can stop having petty arguments escalate in this way, and to help her communicate with my sister, who is having the same problem. Then I can take the advice or read some of the comments to her and we can have a more reasonable conversation.

---

¹Or walking? I forgot, it was a weird terminology from her that was meant to be in jest, I think I am too young to understand

²My sister (F21) does not have a great relationship with her right now, and I am stuck in the middle of it. Things are very tense between them and it is a vicious cycle that I do not know how to mend on either side. She also lives with us.

³I'm referring to my act of pettiness here, saying I was watching the tv when I was in fact not. She was about to tear up while speed-walking to her room, so I thought she felt attacked when I had done the same thing to her, not willing to grant the favor she asked.

⁴I said this because she once told me if she ends up a grouch that my sister and I should cut her off. I thought about why she said this and I think whatever made her say this is influencing her somehow. Neither of us want to do that.

---

TLDR: I bought sandwich ingredients for my family and my Mom decided to snack on them when I asked her not to repeatedly. After being ignored I decided to lie and tell her I was watching the tv, when she realized I wasn't, she got angry and has been giving me a silent treatment. This continued until now when she suddenly burst into my room, starting an argument about how disrespectful I am, and that no one talks to their mother that way, and to ask all my friends if they talk to their mother that way. Since she is the one who asked for input, I wanted to seek out more unbiased sources. How can I resolve this conflict and become more emotionally compatible with my mom so we can stop having petty arguments that escalate?

(Paraphrased)

Natasha: You never insult someone else’s dish! I would never say such a thing about other people’s food. Not even your food.

Beth: cries

Natasha: But I will now!

Beth: SOBS

Probably my favorite scene in the series.